This week

It's been a rough weekend. I took the rest of the day off Friday after we got the news. My supervisor was very supportive. I spent most of Friday in disbelief crying on my husband's shoulder.

We were scheduled to go to a family kiddush on shabbat but the thought of going to shul and being among all those pregnant women, strollers, and little kids was too much. I couldn't stop crying long enough to look presentable in public so we skipped it. My husband considered going on his own to represent but he didn't want to leave me alone. He's been amazing. I know he's processing it differently, and that he's not dealing with the hormones, but it's his loss too and I appreciate that he's putting my needs first. At one point I woke up in the middle of night to cry. It's just such overwhelming grief. Tears continued on Saturday.

We're lucky to be surrounded by love. I texted my siblings on Friday. I was hoping to be able to share the good news with them after we heard the heartbeat. Instead I had terrible news to share. We had visitors on Friday and again on Saturday. My sister came with her 5 month old which we dubbed the Therapy Baby. I talked about it over and over again. It was incredibly therapeutic to discuss it freely. I'm able to talk about it now without automatically tearing up. This morning we had a session with our therapist. It was pre-scheduled but timing worked out well.

I last spoke to my RE at 3:30 PM on Friday and he presented the options: do nothing and let it pass naturally, methotrexate, or D&C.  We're not even considering the methotrexate. Originally I wanted to let it pass naturally. I'm sick and tired of the medications and procedures and just want to let my body heal. The problem with that is that it may take weeks/months. The other issue is that my body still thinks it's pregnant along with all the side effects. Every time I felt a wave of nausea over the weekend I got angry and bitter. I couldn't believe I've been suffering with the nausea, the symptoms, the shots for so long for nothing. Just so ridiculous. At least when there's a baby you think there's a point. Essentially nothing has changed between Thursday and today except that now we know it's an empty sac and I just want it out.

We're leaning toward the D&C. I'd like to schedule it for Friday for two reasons. First, because then I have the long holiday weekend to recover. Second, because I want to see what happens when my body gets rid of the majority of the medications. I was worried about weaning off of the bloodthinners when the time came at the end of the second trimester. It was basically an experiment and I didn't know if the pregnancy would suddenly abort itself if I stopped cold turkey, since a lot women I know who take it need it for the duration of the entire pregnancy. Granted, those women are taking it because there's something in their blood to indicate its necessity, but we were throwing darts in the dark. I was tested and all came back normal yet we still opted to give it a try. Did it work? Who knows. All I know is that this is the furthest we've gotten so far. So this is a good a time as any to test it out: If my body gets a week break of shots, will it expel the pregnancy on its own - that's what I want to figure out.  A third reason which didn't really make it into consideration but is a bonus, is that it's our busiest time of year at work and I didn't want to feel like I'm flaking out. Obviously my health comes first and if I needed to be home/recovering I would. My supervisor would completely understand. It happens to be that it works out this way.

So what's next? Nothing.  My body will take time to heal. I understand that my period may not come for about 6 weeks after the D&C. It will be a forced break to regroup and recharge, which may not be so bad since we've been going at this non-stop since summer 2015. Maybe we'll take a vacation for our anniversary. Maybe we'll finally renovate something in the house. I don't know. I know that I want to try again. I know I'm not done. I also know that it's going to take time to recover emotionally. We were so invested. We were so happy. We were under the impression we were seven months away from meeting our miracle and the rug was completely pulled from under us.

I hate that my anxiety and fear won this time. It will make it that much harder to believe in the future. Not impossible, but definitely harder.

I've had a challenging time with prayer. It's hard to keep praying when I know it was in His control whether this pregnancy succeeded or not. It's hard to continue believing that his master plan is all for the best when you can't fathom why this didn't work. I guess it's not up t me to understand. I know that sometimes we pray and the answer is just "No." Doesn't mean I can't keep praying or trying.

In other news, I can now get that root canal for the crown that needs work. My pregnancy didn't work out and my consolation prize is a root canal. May as well get all the shitty stuff out of the way to make room for some good things in the future.