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Sunday, May 14, 2017

Lag Sameach

Ten years ago my grandmother, my mother's mother, passed away on Mother's day. While it was a surprise that it happened that particular day, it was not a shock because her health was deteriorating. The following year it felt wrong to celebrate on Mother's day so we started the tradition of celebrating my mother on the Friday prior. It's been 10 years and we still think of my grandmother often, remembering her stories, her recipes, and her love of life.

My dislike for Mother's Day didn't start with my grandmother's passing, nor was it a result of our infertility journey. It has to do with the fakeness of the holiday. With everything being posted online it starts to feel like a contest of kids projects and husbands one-upping each other. I believe this holiday started out with altruistic roots and over time it became misconstrued and over commercialized. 

The inclusiveness has gotten out of hand. I saw a chart on buzzfeed (that I wish I'd saved because now I can't link it) which suggested different types of flowers for other women, i.e., those who have lost a child or lost their mother. They also had a suggestion for women who have chosen not to become mothers. I don't think those are in the same category! If you chose not to have children then you're not a mother and mother's day isn't for you. You don't have to be included. 

Through no fault of my own, I am not a mother and mother's day isn't about me. It may be painful and I appreciate some tactful sensitivity when appropriate, but I don't need special flowers on Mother's day. Grandparents Day and Fathers Day are also not about me - it may hold a little less sensitivity but to me it's the same concept. Why be inclusive where it doesn't belong?  

On Friday one of the friendly maintenance guys was going around wishing everyone a happy mother's day. When he got to me he asked if I have kids, and when I said no, he's like "Oh I thought you did!" Awkward. Why do we need to go through this conversation every year? I also didn't need the cashier at the grocery store this morning to wish me a happy mother's day. Isn't it pointless coming from people who never benefited from your role as a mother?

What is the point of a message like this on social media: "To my amazing mom....[insert long post]... and even though you're not on facebook I love you a lot!"  Are you serious? Why are you posting something she'll never even see? Did you even call her today? Along the same lines, I don't understand the posts starting with, "To all the awesome moms out there..." - why are you wishing random people a happy Mother's day? Doesn't that dilute any kind of meaning to wishes you possibly sent your own mom? 

Mothers should be celebrated. They should be put on a pedestal for the incredible work, devotion, and sacrifice that they do to make their children survive and thrive. Over the years I think the meaning of this holiday got lost. I'm not sure of the purpose of posting what your kids made for you on social media other than for humble-brag purposes, which are designed to make someone else feel bad. Why not just enjoy your kids and your new gifts? Why does it have to become public too? 

I hope that one day I can join the ranks of motherhood despite, not because of, this holiday. What am I missing? Do I just not understand the way the holiday evolved?  Maybe I just don't get it. 

4 comments:

  1. I do feel you ARE a mother now! You are nurturing a life NOW. Although I can totally relate to your disdain for Mother's Day, I hope you could enjoy it at least a little, as you celebrate the life you are growing. Last Mother's Day, two days before actually, I lost our third baby. It was heart wrenching. Although I'm barely pregnant again at five weeks, and we still have a long way to go, this Mother's Day was a little easier to bare. Wishing you the best!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I suppose you're right - mother-to-be is its own category. Congrats on your good news!

      Delete
  2. Very true. Facebook just dilutes everything to me. I don't see anything as genuine that's on that site. To me, mother's day is about my mother. I chose to honor her because she deserves it. I don't post pics on Facebook or do cheesy things. Just dinner and a token of gratitude in the form of some cool gift that she'll use. That's it. My sisters chose to be exclusive about it all "it's my day and I'm not sharing with anyone". Go ahead, I don't care. Pat yourself on the back, because that's what you're doing. To each her own, but thank God I live in reality, unlike so many other people out there. To you, I wish you a mother's day full of peace and hope, no different than any other day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There is definitely value to a site that connects people globally. But it's only as good as the values of the people using it, and for some reason it seems people are just missing the mark.

      Delete

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