The past two days I've been distracted with Purim so it helped keep my mind off the elephant in the room. This morning I tested again with expired strips. I literally fished them out of the trash to take one but then threw the rest out once I got my answer. It's not going to get any more or less accurate and I need to get rid of them all together. Since then, the trash was taken out and picked up so there's no more temptation.
Wednesday was the fast day. I felt guilty for not fasting but my husband and I agreed that, being one of the minor fasts, it's not worth risking implantation issues by fasting. I broke the fast in the morning by taking my morning pill with usual amount of water. For breakfast I had some dry cereal and another bottle of water. I didn't eat treats or extras - kept hydrated and ate enough to last until the next meal but not until satisfaction. Even though I wasn't doing anything wrong, I still felt that in solidarity with those who are fasting, like my husband, that I shouldn't use this as a way to take advantage of the situation. I had my light breakfast and then went to work. I came home for a quick lunch and went back. I didn't snack or drink at my desk. My coworkers already know I observe the fasts and breaking it in front of them would have been a giveaway something is up.
That night we walked to Megilla reading where people booed haman enthusiastically. When we got home I made some hamentashen while keeping my husband company in the kitchen as he ate his post-fast meal. The next morning we got up early to get ready for shul and early megilla. We both worked that day so we had to get up and out early. I spent the first half of the day at work; more of a party than actual work. at noon I went home and had a light lunch followed by some local deliveries by walking around the neighborhood. Before we knew it it was time to head to the seuda. I brought veg lo mein, rolls, hamentashen, and paper goods. It was more of a load than wha others brough but I felt kind of responsible to pull it together. It was the first time in ten years we weren't hosting and I missed it, but I wasn't going to risk working hard and jeopardizing the potential pregnancy in the early stages.
We left a little early (6:30ish) because we had friends stopping by and also some of us needed to do a shot. Turned out our friends had to leave shortly after arrival because their kid wasn't feeling well. Just as well since we were pooped.
I didn't set an alarm for this morning so I slept late until 7 am. I woke up with a full bladder and intention to carry out the stupid task of taking another hpt. It was an expired strip but the line showed up almost immediately. It was also a lot darker than the line on 4dp. I don't think the strip is lying but I also know not to believe this might be happening for real. No real symptoms other than the full feeling in my uterus. It's become a more mild feeling and very much in the background. No more pulling, no more cramps, not really fluttering - just.... there.
I started thinking ahead to calculating second beta and then heartbeat and then trimesters... I really had to pull the reins. Woah. Just woah. Calm down. It's really hard to not be excited when you see two lines, but I'm only hurting myself if I get ahead of things and it all comes shattering down.
So Purim is over and we're starting to get ready for Pesach. I've already told my husband I don't want to host. That includes sleep over guests like his family. It makes everyone sad and I don't know how to solve the problem so that everyone gets a piece of what they want.
I want: not to work hard, not to host
He wants: to spend time with his family, for his family not to be sad (which they will be if they're not invited).
My compromise:
- option a: buy all prepared foods
- option b: have them in a neighbor's house (not available)
- option c; not have them at all
- stay in a pesach hotel nearby
His compromise:
- stay in a regular hotel 1.5 miles from his parents.
We'll see.
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