This morning I felt cramps and they scared me. I wasn't sure if it was gas or something more ominous. I might still be digesting the enormous birthday dinner from yesterday. That's what I'm telling myself.
This just goes to show that it's impossible to "just relax." All this can end in a split second. It has before. On one hand I feel like I can't let my guard down - everything is so fragile. On the other hand I want to enjoy the happy moments as they happen. Last pregnancy I spent all my time worrying and waiting for the bad news. When it came it was devastating and no amount of thought or anxiety could have prepared me for it, so what did I gain by worrying all the time?
I still can't help it but I recognize it's not ideal.
I'm scared to go to the bathroom. I'm worried about every twinge.
How do people not know when they're pregnant? I don't understand how they can grow a human without realizing anything is different. Maybe I have more symptoms because of the PIO. I don't know. Then I think about all those unwanted pregnancies and how people wish them away, hoping they'll dissolve before it becomes a relevant baby. Or those moms who take shit care of their bodies eating garbage, smoking anything, or drowning in alcohol.... those pregnancies last through the nine months. I've seen those babies in the NICU, going through withdrawal and hearing their tortured cries. It's horrendous. Yet those pregnancies managed to hold on.
Here I am taking vitamins and shots and eating whole grain and a specially crafted balance of carbs and proteins and fats just to get through each day and stay pregnant.
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