Sad

So, so sad.

It breaks my heart to see my husband depressed. He shared the news with his parents last night and couldn't explain why the pregnancy didn't take. The question everybody wants to know is,"Why?" and we just don't have an answer.

It doesn't seem to be getting any easier as the days go by. Especially knowing a period from hell is on its way. I feel like there's a weight on my shoulders and on my heart. It's possible that things seem more bleak now than in previous transfers because we know this transfer progressed to a pregnancy as opposed to just a failed transfer with a negative beta.

I know things will get better. I know we will try again and maybe we'll have success. One day all this may be but a distant memory. But in the meantime we're still living through it. It's still fresh and the heartbreak feels unbearable.

We had an uneventful weekend at home with family and friends visiting. At times we just wanted to be sad and cry but felt the need to put on a brave face for company. No one would have judged us, of course; no one expects us to put on a brave face for them. It was nice to be checked in on and kept distracted and busy. I don't believe it's healthy to wallow.

I started reading Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes. She talks about overcoming fears and purposely going for them even when it's scary. To me, it's scary to think that this isn't the last time this might happen but what's the alternative? Not to try again?

We went into the transfer knowing that failure was a possibility, and braced for the worst news and the heartbreak that comes with it. But when we got the positive result at the first beta, it was such joy, such happiness.

It was a glimpse into the possibilities of the future which gives us just enough hope to keep trying.