Antsy

It's day 5 of my strict diet and the scale seemed to approve. I know most of it is water weight and I'm ok with that. It was more difficult to maintain over the weekend because of multiple parties but I'm proud to have held strong. While I'm annoyed to be back to the daily grind, I appreciate the routine of weekdays. I know that I need to keep checking my willpower though because it can get fatigued toward the end of the day. I'm drinking a lot of water and sleeping well and I think that's helping also.

I'm feeling really antsy. I don't know if I'm delirious from the withdrawal of sugar and carbs or bored with getting back to the mundane of daily life. I'm thinking of moving houses. I'm thinking of applying to new jobs. I even considered starting a new blog. Each one has pros and cons. A new house wouldn't need as much renovations but will we still like our neighborhood? A new job might have exciting new challenges but would it have the same perks? A new blog would bring with it a fresh start but how am I supposed to turn the page while we're still in the thick of fertility treatments?

I'm feeling stuck; physically and mentally. Nothing interests me and I'm easily irritated. Last night I went on a binge of searching beautiful hotels in the virgin islands. Private pools. Stunning views. Delicious kosher food available for delivery. All of it available if you have the money. Some of these resorts start at $500 per night but that's not even the biggest kicker. Zika is still an issue in all these beautiful locations. Even if I won the lottery and could afford these tropical destinations it wouldn't make a difference.

The path of least resistance is to do nothing and wait until the antsy feeling fizzles away. But maybe I don't want to let it fizzle without a change. Last time I felt this way I signed up for a pottery class and cut off my ponytail. Maybe this time I'll actually go through with looking for a new job?  Other ideas welcome.

Carpe diem

I recognize that to be entirely happy with my decision not to leave my job right now, I need to find something else that will keep me busy and happy.

I've been searching online and came up with several ideas:

- Art class of sorts: glass blowing, pottery, woodworking
- Exercise of sorts: kickboxing, barre, yoga, archery
- Part time job (doing what?)
- Learn to play an instrument
- Start and manage a bookclub
- Make wine or brew beer
- Learn to properly care for and use a firearm
- Write articles to be published

Just for s+g I also applied for two government jobs. Their benefits and perks are excellent so it would be a worthwhile switch. In the meantime, I'm going to focus on finding a new passion project.

Challenged

I'm feeling challenged today. I had to go in to work because I have deadlines coming up but I think I could have benefited from another day off.

Physically I'm feeling fine, just a little sore. My jaw is sore from keeping it open for an hour and the numbing shot. I'm having some minor cramping but I think those are pre-period from stopping the meds rather than the ERA.

It's more of a mentally challenging feeling. I just wanted to zone out and quietly get my work done but people kept annoying me with needs and questions and thoughts to share. Someone came over to ask whether she should get a new stroller she found a deal for on a sketchy website. Not only was it not even work related, but I'm also really not in the mood to discuss strollers right now.

I'm stalled on a project because a coworker is delayed on their part of the project and I can't start mine until I have theirs. I also got an email asking me where critical documents due today were and I responded that I sent them on Friday but the coworker that was supposed to pass them on after review dropped the ball. None of these are actual issues on their own, but when I'm already agitated and annoyed, each one has been an explosive situation in my mind. So much so that I started looking at job listings late this afternoon.

It didn't end there. When I got home I checked the mail and got a letter saying we owe $3,600 for a medication billing error. I don't know what happened, and I plan to look into it and raise some hell, but it was too much to deal with and just tipped me over the edge into a sobbing mess.

It's a bad day and I'm on edge waiting for results. I know that logically. It's just all very overwhelming and challenging right now.