Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Whirlwind

I knew it was going to be busy so being exhausted shouldn't surprise me. Both work and home have been a crazy whirlwind the past few days.

Yesterday was the craziest yet. I had a really rough day at work with non-stop fires to put out for Sunday's event. I was supposed to leave at 4 pm to finish prepping and setting up for the 7B but I didn't get out until 5 and had to rush to finish and get there before guests started arriving at 6. We got home at 9:30 and I couldn't move anymore. I just collapsed into bed completely exhausted. My back and legs are sore today from running around the whole day.

Pregnancy is in my face everywhere. I haven't had any time to think about it. I ran into my next door neighbor yesterday, whom I haven't seen in a while, and noticed her bump. At 7B yesterday someone I know was struggling with infertility showed up with her bump and is due in June. Most notably is my coworker whose desk is right near mine. She just started her second trimester and as her news travels people come over to our area to congratulate her. It's literally in my face all day long.

How am I supposed to react to that? It's hard to put the struggle into words, especially when I'm trying to type in a hurry to get my thoughts down. I don't fault any of them for moving on with their lives and having children. It's such a normal part of life. The fact that it comes so difficult to some people is abnormal and unnatural. But I would be lying if I didn't admit that it's a slight punch in the gut every time I see another one who seemed to have succeeded while I'm still struggling and sticking long-ass needles in my sensitive parts just to get to where they are. Having a transfer around the corner is giving me hope and letting me feel like maybe I can also join the ranks shortly if I just hang on. I don't even want to imagine if I miscarry the next transfer while my coworker continues her pregnancy.

I think asking her to move her pregnancy conversations elsewhere is rude and unhelpful - she's not talking about it intentionally or maliciously; it's just a major part of her life right now. I understand that. It's such a difficult part of the struggle and I guess I'm just feeling sensitive.

Friday, March 24, 2017

FET 5: Baseline

It's a go!

Bloodwork took no less than three sticks. Once again I considered the ramifications of getting a tiny x tattoo right where the vein works. The first tech tried once and tagged out. Second tech felt around for what felt like an eternity before I suggested maybe I can drink some water, do the ultrasound first, and then come back. We did that and after two more sticks they were able to get blood. Jeez.  Even with the delay in drawing I was out within 30 minutes, but I felt justified in giving the appointment its time instead of trying to cram it all stressfully yesterday morning.

So here we are. We've officially started FET 5.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Waiting a day

In breaking news, we postponed baseline by a day. Hear me out.

I have an early morning meeting tomorrow. With all the craziness going on it didn't click that it was a conflict until this morning. Even moving my appointment to the first possible time, I still can't guarantee being at work on time. I'm leading the meeting and there are 20 people expected to be there. It was purposely scheduled several months ago. Rescheduling the meeting was not an option. Skipping the meeting was not an option. I tried to make peace with possibly coming late, but that didn't sit right.

So I called my nurse and asked if I move baseline to Friday, will it affect the rest of the timeline? Will the transfer date be moved? I specified that I only want to make the change if it has no effect no the rest of the schedule. If I can move baseline to Friday and meet my work requirements, then why not. I would not move it if it changed the transfer date.

My husband was not pleased. He said treatment is more important than work. He said I should skip the meeting. In fairness, I don't think he realized that delaying baseline didn't actually delay anything. I was upset at what seemed to be a quick dismissal of my job, or not even considering the ramifications of such an irresponsible move at work.

I would put treatment above work if necessary. I have since day one. I'm tired of bending backward to fit treatment into my schedule instead of the other way around but I do it because it's important and my number one priority. But if it doesn't make any difference overall why not make the change to fit my schedule better?

My nurse called me back and said there's no problem with moving the date, so I took the change and baseline is on Friday.

Even as I'm writing this out I recognize that I'm trying to convince myself a little too. Logically I know there's nothing wrong with making the switch because it doesn't make any difference for the timeline. Logically I know it's normal and healthy to make accommodations for other things in my life and not let treatment overwhelm every aspect of it. Logically I know nothing is different. Still, in my heart I feel like I'm somehow neglecting our efforts by postponing baseline. I can't be upset with my husband for his perspective when it's basically my perspective too. Still, it needed to happen to keep my sanity.

Physical and pregos

I went to my regular doctor yesterday for my physical. I haven't had a physical since 2014. Yikes! I knew it was a while but didn't realize how long its been. I usually go to urgent care for immediate care when I don't feel like waiting. As predicted, I waited half an hour in the waiting room, got called back, and then waited another 35 min in the smaller room. I knew it would happen. I wasn't worried - I took the time off work for the afternoon knowing I'd have a long wait. It's a good doctor with good office staff so it's a trade off.

Everything looked fine. The things that were worrying me were blood pressure and cholesterol but both are good. Everything else in my bloodwork was fine too except low vitamin D, as expected. I talked to her about where we are in our fertility journey and ran through what we've done until now as well as the plan moving forward. She is a good listener and made a few comments but overall no recommended changes.

Also of note yesterday, three things happened in a row. 

First, during our team meeting, one of my coworkers announced she's 13 weeks pregnant with her second baby. It wasn't unexpected. She mentioned that she was sure everyone knew. The truth is I did suspect it but I would never ask. I've suspected it since the summer but, again, I wasn't going to say anything. Turns out she had two miscarriages - once in the summer; once in the fall. So I was right - she was pregnant the whole time, just unfortunately miscarried twice. So now she's pregnant and she's "so glad it's out so she doesn't have to hide it anymore." How am I supposed to react? We work very closely together and I really like her. She's a good team member but I'm worried this will cause resentment. I can't fault her for her success in getting/staying pregnant, but I'm aware this may present a big challenge to see it daily until September.

Then, when I left the office in the afternoon for my doctor's appointment, I called my friend to vent about something unrelated. She mentioned in a by-the-way kind of comment that her cousin who was struggling with infertility for 5 years just had a baby or got pregnant. I said ok, that's cool. She said it makes her happy to hear infertile people have babies, it means it works and gives hope for people who are struggling through it. 

Finally, when I was at the doctor explaining my fertility journey, the doctor mentioned that one of her former assistants got pregnant with twins after several years of infertility. 

So a lot of pregnancy talk yesterday. I'm not sure why people feel the need to share stories of random people for whom fertility treatment works. I guess it's their way of relating? I suppose it's a coping mechanism when they know someone is in the thick of their struggle, possibly as a way to comfort them. As if somehow by saying that if it worked for Random Stranger it can also work for you!  I don't think it works that way. It doesn't comfort me to know that it worked for other people. I'm not mad that it worked for them, but their success has literally no effect on my challenge ahead. Just because it worked for them doesn't mean it will work for me. 

It's different when someone says it happened to them and they're telling me the story first hand. For example, last year I was once in urgent care getting checked out for something I can't remember and the doc ordered some bloodwork. The lab tech taking blood came in while I was telling the doc about all the fertility meds I was currently taking at the time. As the doc left so the tech can take blood, the tech told me he and his wife went through IVF to have their two kids and he understands how tough it can be. It was a very sweet "hang in there, we're rooting for you" message without any empty promises of "it will happen for you." It was very sweet and I was touched he cared enough to mention it. As someone who knows first-hand how hard it can be, his comment held more credibility and he knew how to be sensitive about offering words of support. 

It's hard to know what the right thing to say is, especially when different things resonate with different people. But I wish people wouldn't assume I want to hear about random success stories. I know they're trying to help so there's nothing for me to say. 

Tomorrow is baseline and I hope it's the start of our journey.

Monday, March 20, 2017

Busy

It's Monday! It's Spring! It's the first day of a very busy few weeks. It's also the first day of being more mindful of healthy eating and putting more effort into meal prep. I'm nervous about the next few weeks just thinking about it.

This week I have my annual physical scheduled and baseline for FET 5 later in the week. Both are making me nervous even though there's nothing specific to worry me. There are also a few important meetings and deadlines I have to hit at work.

Next week my friend is getting married and two days later we're co-hosting 7B so I have to cook and shop and prep a bunch of things. That week I also have a girls night out and the new therapist scheduled. One of the days next week is also a big day at work, getting ready for an event the following week.

The following week is the big event at work -- I'm looking forward to the event and looking forward to it being over. I'm the project manager and I need it to be behind me so I can relax mentally pre-transfer. There are a few other things happening at work that week, but not as big and the responsibility is split among some coworkers. I have one late night at work and one early morning - back to back, ugh. At home, that week I need to actually do the majority of Pesach preps - that's happening! It's coming up whether I'm ready or not so I need to start hustling and I probably won't have a chance to start until that week. Luckily I have help scheduled to come but I still have to get the house ready first.

So just a lot happening - very out of my comfort zone to have everything stacked, especially both personally and professionally. Among all this I'm still trying to track down a specific form so I can get my taxes filed. Let the juggling commence! My goal is to get through it with my sanity intact and dropping no balls along the way.

Happy Spring!

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Therapy

A while back we considered starting therapy. Neither of us has been to therapy before and didn't know anything about the process. I had no idea how to find someone or where to start. It took a lot of effort to find someone that fit all our criteria but we finally did and scheduled the appointment.

We had an initial reaction when we first walked in but tried to reserve judgement. The place was cluttered with knick-knacks and lots of throw pillows. He had socks on but no shoes, possibly because he was overweight and they were swollen? I don't know. Maybe he was going for a homey/comfy feel but to me it felt stuffy, overcrowded, and unprofessional.

All that aside, we wanted to give him a fair shot. Since we had nothing to compare it to, we just assumed this was normal. We sat and talked for an hour. I felt like the therapist spent a lot of time talking. He was pleasant and friendly; he seemed experienced and knowledgeable.

After the first appointment we weren't thrilled but then again didn't really know what to expect. My husband, who is not nearly as judgey as I am, felt like he was an ok therapist and we should give him another chance. I wasn't too keen on starting the search process over so we went back for session two.

At the second session, it was more of the same with him chatting a lot. At one point he was trying to explain something and he asked, "Do you have any kids?" I did not like that question. We clearly explained in the first session that we were there because of infertility and loss - what kind of therapist doesn't take notes and then forgets a key reason why we're there? We got through the session but on the way home we both agreed that it was an egregious error. As daunting as the task was to start the search over I wasn't interested in settling for this guy.

For the second search, I reached out to a community resource who was able to guide me through finding someone. I was given recommendations for 4 therapists that were a better fit. I researched all and picked the one that fit almost all our criteria: he has Sunday/eve hours and he's a specialist in his field. Bonus is that he also texts/emails and he understands Jewish law. The only catch is that he doesn't take our insurance. Paying out of network can get pricey but after we meet our deductible the sessions would be covered at 70%. So we decided to give it a try and the appointment is next week.

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Ides of March

When I checked the calendar and saw that baseline is next week I kind of groaned to myself. Feels like we just finished the last of the IVF cycle recovery/period/mikvah and barely had a breather. We were also obsessing over whether or not to do an endo scratch and that took up a lot of mental capacity.

We know that any decision we make, if it leads to a failed transfer, we will wish we had chosen the other option. We can't keep thinking like that. We can't obsess about things beyond our control. We're trying so hard to predict a future no one can see. Nearly everyone we polled -- we were really struggling with this decision and asked for a lot of opinions -- said not to do it. If I was able to get pregnant twice then implantation isn't my issue. More importantly, we don't know what an endo scratch will do to the lining relative to the ERA results. I don't want to miss the transfer window, since we were led to believe that it's such a narrow time frame.

A crazy option is to do some more ERA tests. Repeat the test with an endo scratch on day 5. Repeat the test with an endo scratch on day 6. Is it insane? Sure. But at least we wouldn't be wasting embryos. We'd be wasting more time and money. In my mind it's better to waste $2k on more ERAs than $20k on another IVF for more embryos. But who knows what that would do to my lining long term. And ouch. We're definitely not doing that.

I had my annual gyn appointment last week and asked for her opinion since I was there already. Her first answer was to stop overthinking it. It isn't a silver bullet and there's no way to know whether or not it helps. She also said that some women aren't meant to get pregnant (she's practical and blunt like that, which is part of the reason why I love her) but that doesn't mean that may be me. She said if we weren't screening for a devastating disease and had tried naturally I probably would have several kids by now. In her opinion, she said she'd throw everything at it; in other words, pro. Her opinion carried more weight so her saying to do it kind of made me continue thinking about it even after we thought we had a decision.

I feel like the endo scratch is the last straw for people who don't know what else to try. It may or may not be so but that's my perception. There was also no information online or through my doctor's office for people who have done both the ERA and the endo scratch. I couldn't find anyone who had any experience with both, let alone a positive pregnancy after doing both.

Ultimately, based on the information we have and the logic we pieced together, we decided to skip the endo scratch this time. It's important for me to write this out so that I can go back to read it in case our transfer fails. I may blame myself if it fails again, but at least I'll know we really put the time and effort into making a thoughtful, intentional choice based on all the information we had at the time.

Beside for all that, I don't think my clinic does this procedure very often. They scheduled to take two biopsies because legally they have to send one to the lab for pathology testing. So I need to go through two uncomfortable biopsies within a week because of legal reasons? That's BS. Maybe that's just the procedure and it really is a double-scratch with a week healing in between but it sounds off to me. It's not only the pain and discomfort of the actual biopsy, it's also the emotional rollercoaster. So before committing to another procedure I'd need to understand more of what it entails. And if my clinic isn't fully equipped to handle it I'm not prepared to do it just because.

We have a week to breathe before we start baseline and shots again. The snow day was a great break from general routine. My husband worked from home but I was officially off. I did a few hours of work but overall chilled. I had Harry Potter on in the background while I was working so that was fun. I also caught up on Big Bang Theory and Last Man on Earth.

I met with a friend earlier this week. We reconnected recently, after I saw her in the hospital when I went to visit someone else. She was about to be induced with her first baby after a long struggle with infertility. She had multiple unexplained losses.  Her issue was staying pregnant. It was nice chatting with someone who gets it. Someone who is also Type A personality who needs to know and has to fix and wants to change. Someone who feels like they can if they just find the problem and address it. Her baby is less than 3 months old and she's already thinking about #2. She had a classic, uncomplicated pregnancy and yet she didn't believe they were taking home a baby until they strapped her in the carseat on the day they got released.

I had plans to drop some weight before this next transfer. But it's coming up so fast I barely had enough time to get rid of the IVF bloat I was carrying around from February. I have a physical next week and I'm getting routine bloodwork. I don't know if my reg doc can recommend anything but willing to ask. For a hot second I thought of maybe postponing the transfer so we can get a little bit of a longer break. We both quickly shot that idea down - neither of us like that. A break may be nice but we don't want to push off a transfer.

I'm worried about the next transfer in a hazy sort of way. It's constantly in the back of my mind yet I'm in denial it's around the corner. It's mixed in with Pesach preps so I have an easy distraction when the thought of it gets overwhelming. Part of me just assumes it will be another bust but I can't wrap my mind around another loss. I still haven't been back to Wegman's since the last loss. The idea of another 2WW overwhelms me and I quickly change thought patterns to something else. I want to be excited for it but I'm having a hard time imagining a different outcome than the utter disappointment we've experienced in the past. Four times we've had our hopes raised and four times they were crushed. It's more than just the physical toll it takes; there's an enormous emotional toll every time. We have to make a purposeful and mindful effort to keep our sanity and marriage together through each loss.

At this point it's taking too much effort to psych myself up so I'm not forcing it. I'm going to give myself a break from thinking about it until baseline. I'll have enough time to think about it later. Right now, I'm going to try to enjoy whatever is left of our "break."

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Happy Birthday!

A very happy my birthday to you!  Hope you're having a great day. So far so good for me.

I went out to lunch with my team at work. It was lovely. A great way to spend lunch break if I have to be at work anyway.

My husband is currently baking a cake (!) and making pizza for dinner. I'm super excited. He's not a kitchen person and I love that he's stretching beyond his comfort zone for me.

I think the cry yesterday helped me so much. I was able to start today with a fresh outlook. It helped make it a cheerful day and I'm back to being hopeful.

I sent my doctor an email asking him to call me. I included my phone number and said it's not urgent - it's really not. I'd be fine with it if he calls me within the week. I've noticed I'm not so impatient anymore. Maybe because I know the transfer is already scheduled and it's still a while away so there's no rush. In any case, I asked about the endo scratch and he couldn't give me a recommendation one way or the other. He said it's up to us and what we decide. He still doesn't believe the value in it but that they offer it as an option because of mixed reviews.

There's also the added factor of the ERA. The results from the ERA said my lining is most receptive after 6 days of PIO. But the biopsy for the ERA happened without an endo scratch. Which means that introducing an endo scratch may invalidate the ERA results. On one hand, I'm not objecting to the biopsy itself. However, I don't want to transfer too late based on the ERA results if my lining has already been "woken up" by the endo scratch and miss my window. I'm torn. My husband says it's up to me, since it's my uterus getting scraped.

It feels like it's a gamble. Regardless of what we decide if it doesn't work we'll regret not going with the other option. If whatever we decide this time doesn't work we'll do the other option next time. We're adding the prednisone/lovenox meds into the mix this time no matter what we decide with the endo scratch.

So: endo scratch or not?  I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Rough day

Today was a hard day. I worked late and got home around 9:00 PM. My stomach was bothering me and I was in and out of the bathroom all day. I ate just a plain yogurt (probably a bad idea in hindsight), banana, and apple all day. I wasn't hungry because I was busy and occupied.

I got the official timeline from my nurse. There were some notations on the bottom that I thought were just leftovers from the template she used for the last patient or something. I asked about them and she's like, "Oh, those are your biopsies." Wait, what? I had no idea what she's talking about. I asked about it and she said, "With the implantation failure we do perform 2 endometrial biopsies...The biopsy is meant to "wake up" the lining." Yeah, I'm familiar with the terminology what I don't get is why it's in my timeline and why is this the first time I'm seeing it? Did I miss something?? I was very confused. It took me completely by surprise. I remember discussing it at our WTF appointment in the summer after failed FET 3, but it was never decided that we'd do it. In fact, the doc wasn't even convinced that this would help and was just mentioning it as an option. He was  adamant about changing only one thing at a time though. So we went with the ERA option because it would give "concrete" information. We changed protocol for FET 4 based on the ERA results. When that failed, we added the extra meds prednisone/lovenox for FET 5. I'm still unsure where it was decided to add the endo scratch anywhere. My husband doesn't remember it being discussed after the July appointment either. I'm paying too much money for them to treat me like some statistic and randomly add crap to my timeline without asking or even telling me about it.

In addition, we got back PGD results for our embryos. One. It's hard to be upset at a beautiful healthy embryo. And yet I can't stop crying. I'm so, so grateful it wasn't a busted cycle with zero. But one? Just one? All that money and blood, sweat, and tears for one? We went through all that for one? I'm feeling guilty for being upset about the one. I know some people would love to get a healthy embryo from their own eggs/sperm. I know people go through multiple cycles just to get one healthy embryo PGD-tested and ready for transfer. Even so, knowing what I know about our transfer history I'm upset that this cycle resulted in only one shot.

And then since I was crying already, I couldn't stop. I cried for the failed transfers. I cried for the nights of anxiety. I cried for the years we've been childless. I cried for the unknown. I cried because my birthday is tomorrow and not only am I getting older, but the pressure of "what are you doing for your birthday?" has become overwhelming -- the answer is nothing. It's a regular day that happens to be the anniversary of when I was born. I should be calling my mom to say thanks and call it a day. The one thing I wanted to do was travel and we can't do that. I cried that we can't go on a trip. I cried that we don't have money for renovations. I cried because my husband didn't realize I hadn't eaten yet and ate all the good parts from the crockpot meal I put up in the morning since I knew I'd be working late. I cried because the tissues were rough. I cried because the president is a lunatic. I cried because I don't like feeling sorry for myself; I'd rather be a badass. I cried because I want to share good news with my parents so badly. I cried because I'm relieved we got a good embryo from the cycle. I cried because we only got one embryo from this cycle. I cried because I'm scared for the transfer. I cried because I'm worried for the future.

As I was crying I was surfing online and came across a line: "A winner is just a loser who tried one more time." We are not on an easy path. Hope guides us as we stumble along, trying yet one more time.

Monday, March 6, 2017

Revving up

Part of the reason it takes so long for me to recover after a failed FET is because it takes a lot of effort and energy to rev up to face it. I'm working on psyching myself up for FET 5. On one hand I'm trying to stay positive and get excited at the possibilities. On the other hand I'm trying to be realistic and not get ahead of myself by, for example, calculating due date (too late).
 
I purposely requested a specific transfer date because it worked out with both of our work schedules. It's a week later than the first possible window but there are so many things outside of our control in this whole situation that I may as well take a convenient option when it presents itself. It's only a week and in April that means the difference between pre-Pesach madness and post-Pesach calm. I'd rather go into it calm and fully prepared to give it the best chance possible.
 
I have days where I'm so pumped for this next try. I feel confident and optimistic. I calculate trimesters and figure out maternity leave. I'm so sure this will be it. Today is one of those days - it just feels like this is it for us. There are other days where I feel like there's just no point; this is only something magical that happens to other people and it may never happen for us and we should stop wasting money trying. On those days it feels like a failure in life and a failure in something we want so badly we can feel it in every aspect of our lives. It feels like all the sacrifices we made up until now were pointless and unnecessary. Those are really hard days. It's hard to look at our history of failures and continue to be hopeful. It's hard to look at the bank account and realize the what-ifs. It's really difficult to feel like everything is on hold, with no guarantees for a timeline or success or progress.  Which is why revving up takes so much effort. And why the failures feel like such a weight: another heavy burden to carry as we move forward. I try not to carry all that baggage from one cycle to the next but it becomes part of us. It's impossible not to compare cycles or symptoms or hold your breath as you near a specific milestone that held bad news in a previous cycle.
 
I hope that our PGD results come back with good news. Not only for healthy embryos, but now I really want to try this new MitoScore thing! It tests the mitochondria and rate of "stickiness" of the embryo. I think if we get results that indicate a good embryo with a good MitoScore (apparently lower is better?) we may prioritize that over the one in the freezer that wasn't tested for this. It's a new feature that wasn't available even just last year. Hopefully there will be a few good ones and we'll have a choice.
 
I can't believe it's already March. My birthday is on Wednesday. I'm feeling really mellow about it. My husband had roses delivered on Friday, which was my Hebrew birthday. It was lovely having the pretty bouquet for Shabbat. I'm not really expecting much else. That's ok. I know I'm the shizz.
 
I remember January taking F.O.R.E.V.E.R. but February flew by. Back in January when we were debating next steps I was so upset about waiting until April for a transfer and yet here we are with April just around the corner.  I really hope this is it for us. I really hope we find the solution to help our embryos stick. I really hope I get to share good news soon.
 

Thursday, March 2, 2017

FET 5: CD1

With first day of full flow begins the official timeline for FET #5. I start bcp on Saturday and have a date scheduled for a transfer.

The lab doing PGD on our embryos sent paperwork for us to fill out and they need us to fill out whether we want PGD or PGD+Mitoscore. Wth is mitoscore? I didn't know what to fill out so I asked my nurse who also had no idea, and when she asked other nurses they didn't know either. She's going to look into it and let me know. Weird.

I have an appointment for my annual gyn appointment next week. I scheduled it so long ago and I was sure I'd be pregnant by this appointment. I love my doctor so I'll be glad to see her but I hope I get to see her more often for a different reason soon. I also have my annual physical scheduled for the end of the month. I think it's important not to lose sight of overall health amidst all the fertility appointments.

Tonight starts my Hebrew birthday. Next week is my English birthday. We haven't planned anything. In past few years we've done a getaway. We just didn't have time off work to make it happen this year. We were thinking maybe after Pesach but with a transfer in a few weeks a trip may not happen at all. Please... if only. I wanted to take a day off work but things are so busy there doesn't seem to be a good day to do that.

My in-laws are coming for Pesach again this year. We'll have to figure out how to do all the shots on yom tov with guests around. Not that we're hiding it but still. Purim is a week from Sunday and I haven't started any preps. I waited until after the egg retrieval to send out invitations because I was worried about recovery. Turns out I had waited too long and all the guests I invited aren't available or have other plans.

I had trouble sleeping this week and it's catching up to me. I can't believe it's already Thursday night. It feels like the week flew by. The tiredness makes me feel apathetic to everything. I'm too tired to feel sad or care about things. I just am. It just is. I don't like this brain fog because I keep getting the feeling like I'm forgetting something. Last night I barely got 5 hours total and it wasn't even consecutive. I'm trying to hold out to go to sleep at a normal hour so I don't wake up at 2am for the day.

My husband is happy when I tell him exactly what I want for my birthday. He'd rather we go buy it together than be expected to surprise me because I'm hard to please (according to him). So I have a few things I'd like. A new oven. A new bed. Redoing the floors on the first level. Obviously some are more pricey than other options but that's the idea. I love jewelry he picks out but I know there's a finite budget and I want all the things. As I get older I value my birthday differently and my expectations differ. Maybe I'll write about it more next week.

There has been some office drama going on. It makes for short days, but they're intense and exhausting. I think this needs its own post too.

I went pottery painting with a friend the other night. I really enjoy working with my hands. I want to start a hobby doing it but I'm not sure what or whether I want to spend the money on it. I loved installing the doorbell and feeling useful around the house. I wish I knew how to do renovations on my own - that would solve a lot of dilemmas!


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