Revving up

Part of the reason it takes so long for me to recover after a failed FET is because it takes a lot of effort and energy to rev up to face it. I'm working on psyching myself up for FET 5. On one hand I'm trying to stay positive and get excited at the possibilities. On the other hand I'm trying to be realistic and not get ahead of myself by, for example, calculating due date (too late).

 

I purposely requested a specific transfer date because it worked out with both of our work schedules. It's a week later than the first possible window but there are so many things outside of our control in this whole situation that I may as well take a convenient option when it presents itself. It's only a week and in April that means the difference between pre-Pesach madness and post-Pesach calm. I'd rather go into it calm and fully prepared to give it the best chance possible.

 

I have days where I'm so pumped for this next try. I feel confident and optimistic. I calculate trimesters and figure out maternity leave. I'm so sure this will be it. Today is one of those days - it just feels like this is it for us. There are other days where I feel like there's just no point; this is only something magical that happens to other people and it may never happen for us and we should stop wasting money trying. On those days it feels like a failure in life and a failure in something we want so badly we can feel it in every aspect of our lives. It feels like all the sacrifices we made up until now were pointless and unnecessary. Those are really hard days. It's hard to look at our history of failures and continue to be hopeful. It's hard to look at the bank account and realize the what-ifs. It's really difficult to feel like everything is on hold, with no guarantees for a timeline or success or progress.  Which is why revving up takes so much effort. And why the failures feel like such a weight: another heavy burden to carry as we move forward. I try not to carry all that baggage from one cycle to the next but it becomes part of us. It's impossible not to compare cycles or symptoms or hold your breath as you near a specific milestone that held bad news in a previous cycle.

 

I hope that our PGD results come back with good news. Not only for healthy embryos, but now I really want to try this new MitoScore thing! It tests the mitochondria and rate of "stickiness" of the embryo. I think if we get results that indicate a good embryo with a good MitoScore (apparently lower is better?) we may prioritize that over the one in the freezer that wasn't tested for this. It's a new feature that wasn't available even just last year. Hopefully there will be a few good ones and we'll have a choice.

 

I can't believe it's already March. My birthday is on Wednesday. I'm feeling really mellow about it. My husband had roses delivered on Friday, which was my Hebrew birthday. It was lovely having the pretty bouquet for Shabbat. I'm not really expecting much else. That's ok. I know I'm the shizz.

 

I remember January taking F.O.R.E.V.E.R. but February flew by. Back in January when we were debating next steps I was so upset about waiting until April for a transfer and yet here we are with April just around the corner.  I really hope this is it for us. I really hope we find the solution to help our embryos stick. I really hope I get to share good news soon.