Every so often I feel overwhelmed by my thoughts. Sometimes it's a spiral of anxiety, spinning the most awful what-ifs and trying to figure out how I'd dig myself out of each scenario. Other times it's trying to organize my thoughts into some order and being unsure where to start.
At some point during our fertility treatment, after yet another loss, I tried therapy. Maybe it was the therapist, maybe it was my personality, maybe it was just not the right fit. For whatever reason it didn't help so I stopped after one or two sessions.
I recall the point in our journey, back in 2016, on the eve of yet another new year without children, when I started the blog. I think part of me wanted to connect with other people going through the same thing. It quickly became the most trusted way for me to feel relief whenever my feelings felt like they were going to spill over beyond my control.
As a bilingual, I frequently get asked "what language do you think in?" Answering that question means taking a step back and realizing that when I'm thinking, I'm figuring out how to tell the thought or story over to another person. Which means that whatever language you're currently more fluent or immersed in is the one you're probably going to be thinking in.
Over the years writing has become an extension of my thoughts. I've referred back to it when meeting specialists to get exact numbers for whatever procedure. I've worked out how I feel about any particular situation or event by writing out the pros and cons and walked away feeling clearer. Sometimes it's to document for the sake of trying to unburden my mind from needing to retain information. I've poured my heart out time and again by writing out when I felt like the burden of my pain was just too intrusive and heavy to ask another person to listen to; sometimes seeing my pain reflected back at me through their reaction was too much to handle.
Writing feels judgement free. Effortless. But also one-sided and bias. I can take as little or as much time as I want to formulate thoughts. I can abandon thoughts if I feel like I'm finished thinking about them. I can look back at old pieces and see how I've evolved.
I would consider monetizing writing if the opportunity came up but I haven't pursued it. I would hate for it to ever feel like a chore.
Why do you write?