Antsy

It's day 5 of my strict diet and the scale seemed to approve. I know most of it is water weight and I'm ok with that. It was more difficult to maintain over the weekend because of multiple parties but I'm proud to have held strong. While I'm annoyed to be back to the daily grind, I appreciate the routine of weekdays. I know that I need to keep checking my willpower though because it can get fatigued toward the end of the day. I'm drinking a lot of water and sleeping well and I think that's helping also.

I'm feeling really antsy. I don't know if I'm delirious from the withdrawal of sugar and carbs or bored with getting back to the mundane of daily life. I'm thinking of moving houses. I'm thinking of applying to new jobs. I even considered starting a new blog. Each one has pros and cons. A new house wouldn't need as much renovations but will we still like our neighborhood? A new job might have exciting new challenges but would it have the same perks? A new blog would bring with it a fresh start but how am I supposed to turn the page while we're still in the thick of fertility treatments?

I'm feeling stuck; physically and mentally. Nothing interests me and I'm easily irritated. Last night I went on a binge of searching beautiful hotels in the virgin islands. Private pools. Stunning views. Delicious kosher food available for delivery. All of it available if you have the money. Some of these resorts start at $500 per night but that's not even the biggest kicker. Zika is still an issue in all these beautiful locations. Even if I won the lottery and could afford these tropical destinations it wouldn't make a difference.

The path of least resistance is to do nothing and wait until the antsy feeling fizzles away. But maybe I don't want to let it fizzle without a change. Last time I felt this way I signed up for a pottery class and cut off my ponytail. Maybe this time I'll actually go through with looking for a new job?  Other ideas welcome.

IVF 7: Day 6

It's the sixth day of hormones and I'm starting to feel the emotional effects. Not so much physically yet. Already snoozed several accounts on fb because of their copious baby picture posts.

I had my dermatology appointment yesterday. I go every six months as a preventive measure. Of course she found something to slice off. It made her feel better and it was on my leg and I didn't care so off it went. It took about 10 seconds and I'll get results in a few days.

Yesterday a new coworker asked incredulously why I don't have a higher title or position. She was trying to understand the culture and it was asked innocently. I wasn't offended - I completely hear what she's saying. I'm not tooting my own horn but it is weird to be in my position considering my education and qualifications. But seeing it from her perspective was a startling reminder about what we're giving up in the attempts to build a family.

The first reason is because it's comfortable enough to afford flexibility for treatment. The second reason is that it's because I work at a non-profit and people don't leave; they stay for 40 years and then retire, so basically anyone young needs to wait for a retirement party or funeral before a position in management becomes available. The third reason is that my ambition is channeled all toward success in treatment and I just don't have the energy to fight for it every year at my review or put in the effort to look for a new place.

I know they're lame excuses. I know I'm not stuck and I know I can start looking for another job today. Why don't I? Because in the back of my mind I'm also hoping treatment will work and then I'll need the flexibility for the duration of pregnancy and then when having an infant at home. I've gone back and forth in my mind about it a hundred times over the past few years and I always come to the same conclusion: I have the rest of my life to build my career but there is a finite number of fertile years and we'll never regret giving treatment the best chance possible. If I coast along for a few years in a job that offers less stress and responsibility so that I can focus on trying to build a family, it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. It still stings though, especially when you realize it's obvious to the outside world.

But I can't tell all that to a new coworker. I came up with a plausible answer and left it at that. Every time I feel like I'm at peace with my choice something like this comes up and makes me second guess whether I'm making the right decision.

Ordered

I finally crossed "buy meds" off my list. Of course there was multiple hold times with Freedom and the person had to call me back. It's never simple with them. It is what it is.... bye-bye thousands of dollars.

I went back to read my blog from this time last year. It's so sad. I can't even think of anything I want to do less than go through that again. Yet here we are... starting another cycle.

I had a mini-career crisis today. It feels like I'm stuck in a position where they see me in a certain way and I have nowhere to grow. I do look around at other open positions and occasionally apply and interview, but it's not like I'm getting comparable offers left and right. There are also so many good things about my job that I don't want to lose if I leave.

After venting to a friend who used to work there and knows the dynamics of the place, I felt better. I realized I want to figure out a way to get ahead at my current place rather than give up and try somewhere else. A decade ago I was so ambitious but these days it feels like all my energy is spent on gearing up and recovering from cycles. Being aware of that makes me want to try to rediscover some of that ambition and try new things.

In diet news I'm exactly the same weight as baseline from IVF 6. That means I'm just under the limit but want to get more of a cushion. I've been at this weight for about two years +/- five pounds. My newest goal is to get to a certain number by transfer day, whenever that happens to be. Right now I'm 21.4 lbs away from that number. I have a little time until baseline but Thanksgiving is right in between so I'll have to be careful not to overdo it that day.

Microblog Mondays: Business

I admire people who have the discipline and motivation to work at home, either for a company or for themselves. Entrepreneurs are visionaries who are able to make their dreams a reality with a lot of hard work, ambition, and getting up when they inevitably get knocked down.

In my current job I can't work from home every day because I need to be in the physical space of the office to get my work done properly. If I did work from home, I already know I wouldn't get dressed most days in addition to getting easily get distracted by things like dishes and laundry. Still, I appreciate the people fighting for equal rights, not only for equal salary but also equal opportunity in the workplace so that one day when I am ready I may have that opportunity myself. The world becomes a better place every time a woman is entrusted with a leadership role.

People cope with loss in lots of different ways, but there's still some taboo on discussing infertility. I think one reason is because people feel they may be treated differently once others know they're struggling. There's no such taboo on talking about business and failed attempts at careers. Maybe one day I'll run a business that pays more money, but for now I see my current business as building a family. It makes me happy to think of our path this way.

Current outlook

It's officially summer and I'm bummed that I'm not more excited about it. I used to love the weather, the beach, the mental break. But we haven't planned a vacation, pools gross me out, and there are mosquitoes everywhere. Ew.

My mood and mindset has been interesting. I couldn't fall asleep one evening (unusual for me) and my mind was wandering. I was wondering what goes through people's mind when they contemplate ending their life. To clarify, I'm not suicidal. I don't want my life to end or do any harm to myself or others. I was thinking that I can't do that to my husband. I certainly can't do it to my parents. It was a fleeing thought about pain management and how people deal with their issues.  

I had part I of my root canal last week. I had part II this morning. Both were painful. I can't remember last time my face didn't feel in pain. Is this just my life now? I've been living on milkshakes, because it hurts to eat anything else. I've been trying to avoid medication, but I caved and started on ibuprofen. This evening the pain got really intense and I dipped into my post-surgery meds stash. I have almost 98% of it since I barely used it and hopefully it will help me sleep. 

Work life has been rough over the past few days. My coworker has been fired. The firing wasn't a complete surprise, but the way it was handled was shitty. Her replacement was hired a few weeks ago, and despite being instructed that it was confidential until told otherwise, she told a few people who then told others and eventually it leaked to the person who was getting fired. So awful. While I'm not actively concerned about my position, it does make things feel unstable and I know anyone is replaceable. I've discussed my career ad nauseum (here, here, and here for starters) but part of the reason I stay put is because of the flexible schedule and how it fits into fertility treatment. I don't regret it but when they pull stunts like this it makes me feel icky about working for a place like this.

No news on Period Watch 2017. While no longer nidah, it's still complicated with regard to halacha without birth control. I estimate it could come around first week of July.

I've reconsidered refinancing and taking out a HELOC. I don't want more debt. It's not like we're barely keeping afloat but things are snug. I don't want to accrue anything additional to student loans, mortgage, and car payments. We're lucky we've been able to keep the credit cards clean and our credit scores high. Our house may not be beautifully updated but it's good enough for now. Hopefully as time goes on it will continue to rise in value. We'll be able to refi with cash out or just move and buy fresh. No one says we're stuck here forever. If I can afford the maintenance, I want my next home to have a pool. In the meantime, I will do what we can afford to pay in cash. If it takes a while to get things done then so be it.

I've had a very much "what's the point?" attitude lately. Nothing matters. I don't care about most things. I don't think I'm depressed but I'm probably right on the border. I'm giving myself the weekend to mope and then starting a new routine. Today I joined a gym and I hope to work out regularly. I also cleaned out the cabinets and the pantry. I want to make a menu plan and then go shopping. I don't think I feel blue, I just feel numb. Then I see something like the burning building in London or the baseball game shooting and I realize my problems are small potatoes. My root canal will heal; my mood will improve with time; we will eventually become parents. My problems are what I've been handed, so that's what I'm dealing with. 

Recent movies: Beauty and the Beast, Colossal, Passengers, The Big Short

Recent books: The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck, The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo by Amy Schumer, True Faith and Allegiance by Tom Clancy

Tisha B'Av

Spotting started on Thursday evening with AF on Friday. I emailed my nurse to get an updated protocol for September. It's the same whether we do an FET or a second ERA but it's better to get on the schedule sooner rather than later because the lab calendar fills up and there's more flexibility the sooner you schedule. My nurse is on vacation this week but the nurse covering for her sent me the info and said we'll just tweak it if necessary, depending on ERA results. I didn't understand if that meant we're doing an FET regardless or if we'll tweak it based on the ERA results for when we repeat it. I didn't press the issue because that will be answered when we get ERA results.

Today is Tisha B'Av. I'm usually a pretty good faster but it's more difficult during my period. I feel drained and thirsty. It's also 100 degrees outside so I've been home avoiding unnecessary movement.

I placed the laziest grocery order ever. I went online on Amazon Prime Now and saw what they had available in my zip code. I was able to get almost my entire regular shopping: fruits, vegetables, milk, yogurt, some fun salad toppings, OJ, and bottled water. I was craving orange juice for after the fast but didn't want to go out which is what inspired the order, and then I had to fulfill the $20 minimum to get free delivery. So easy. It was at my door in ice packs within two hours.

Amazon also came out with Amazon Fresh but that costs more money where as Prime Now is included in regular Prime membership.  I think Fresh has more options but this was perfect for what I needed today. The groceries I bought were more expensive item-for-item (i.e., $4.19 for a 24-pack of water instead of $3.49 I usually spend) but overall I saved money from not getting extra things not on my list like I normally do at the store.

Last week I started applying for jobs. I've debated for a while about my job (see Leaning In and Weepy) and I think it's time to face reality. As much as I hope a pregnancy is just around the corner, it may not be happening that quickly. While there are a lot of perks to my current job, I just can't deny the fact that I'm ready for a change and I don't see room for growth.

If I were to get pregnant, it makes sense to stay put and have the flexibility in a job I already know. I still don't regret giving fertility treatment the priority over my career. I still have 30+ years of career ahead of me and I can afford to cruise for a year or two while I build up my resume.

A few opportunities presented themselves and I decided that it doesn't hurt to apply. I have a number in my mind that I'd be willing to give up my current job for and if the new job offers it, I see that as a win-win. I have no interest in wasting their time or mine with an interview so I am seriously considering a switch if it makes sense overall.  I know that they are interested in someone with my background and skill set and thought it might be a good fit. The job is a lot less customer-service oriented and more about numbers and spreadsheets -- definitely my cup of tea. I'm the nerd who took an extra statistics class as an elective in college. Just for fun.

So we'll see. There are a lot of pros to my current job and it would have to be a great opportunity to leave it, but I'd be dumb not to even consider something new just because of my current job's perks. I have my annual review coming up at the end of August. If I have a new offer at that point I can use is as leverage for a higher salary, but is that what I want?  I have time to think about it.

In other news, my palm started twitching weirdly at the base of the thumb. I googled it and of course the answer was hand cancer, epilepsy, or the start of Parkinson's. OMG relax Google. I decided to see if I'm doing anything specific to trigger it and realized I was using the mousepad on my laptop with my thumb as the anchor which keeps the muscle tight for long period of time. Stopped doing it and the twitching stopped. Thanks Google.

Weepy

I don't know how else to describe my mood other than weepy. It's a beautiful day -- almost summer-like -- and the house is clean: both things that usually make me so happy. Physically, I feel great since I haven't started any meds yet and the new diet/exercise routine is awesome. So what's my problem?

Beside the regular what-ifs that accompany a new cycle, I'm back to the thought that maybe I should get a new job. I started explaining it in a previous post, Leaning In . It's a new season, the weather is beautiful, and I'm thinking of renewal and change. Maybe I should be looking for another job, thinks I. Then I recycle all the arguments of why not. Then the pro arguments bubble up. There's never a resolution, but here I am thinking about how "everyone else" has their shit together with their fancy titles, their buckets of money, and amazing benefits whilst I keep peeking over to the greener grass.

I know facebook is not an indication of happiness for anyone - it shows only the highlight reel. I know everyone has their issues, even if they're not sharing them with the world. It still doesn't feel good to do a quick newsfeed scroll and see the perfection that is others' highlight reels... new cars and houses, fancy vacations, family outings, new babies.... etc. etc. etc. All normal things.

I'm happy with my job. It could be better, but for the most part I have a very enviable package. What they lack in salary they make up for in benefits. On some level I think that I keep going back to the career conversation because I feel like it's something I can control. The IVF treatment is so unpredictable and at times, especially during the waiting times, I feel so helpless that it's so incredibly out of my control. That's not a great feeling for a control freak.

Even though I have no guarantees, I need to believe that it will work. Otherwise I can't go through it over and over. I'm about to start injections again tonight for cycle #4 and I'm still confused why the other cycles weren't more successful. There's an element of control and there's an element of needing some good luck. We seemed to have hit a bump of some crappy luck the last two cycles.

I'm hoping and praying that we're successful and lucky this time around. I will do everything possible on my end... the rest is up to Him.

Leaning In

I agree with Sheryl Sandberg's message in her book, Lean In, where she encourages women to make their voices heard in the workplace. Having women in leadership roles is good for everyone, including the bottom line. I easily give advice to coworkers and friends about career choices when it comes to work-life balance. When it comes to making decisions for my own path, I hesitate, overthink, and freeze in place.

When I graduated with my MBA I had not much else than a degree and good grades.  My work experiences in the field were slim and I took the first job offered. After a while, and through various poor company choices, that job ended when the company folded and I was unemployed for a short time before landing my current gig at entry level. I developed the position and with it came yearly salary increases, but I've stalled and started considering my options.

There are so many good things about my job and I am grateful to be employed. There is schedule flexibility, copious time off, great supervisor and coworkers, predictable schedule, short commute... the list goes on. The issue is that I am bored. BORED. It doesn't seem like a reason to leave, and on its own it may not be. The daily downtime gets to me. I am severely overqualified for my job that honestly any competent college grad can accomplish. I know I can get a new job elsewhere, but here are my issues. 

Paid Time Off

My current schedule flexibility is a big deal and so is the excess time off for legal and Jewish holidays.  I have been at my current position for several years and they know me so I don't have to prove anything, whereas if I go to a new job I need to start from scratch and work extra hard to prove myself.  I know I'm not at my best when I'm hopped up on hormones, let alone adding hours to make point. 

Salary

The current salary is ok, not amazing. It's good enough and I'm ok with that, but I know there is a lot of earning potential if I switch jobs.  For instance, I am on track to receive 2-3% raises yearly, unless something spectacular and surprising happens. If I switch to a new job, I can request a 20% hike or more as a starting negotiation.  The thing is there are some perks that money can't buy. 

FMLA

If I switch jobs and then get pregnant, I will not be eligible for the Family Medical Leave Act because you have to have been at your job for a year before that kicks in. That means that when I go on maternity leave they don't have to save my job for me and I may lose the job before I even get a chance to prove myself. The other part of my brain says that there's no baby yet, and even if I start interviewing tomorrow there's still 9 months before a baby is even an issue.  

Timing

On one hand, now may be the perfect time to make a transition -- before we get into treatment again for the 2016 year (waiting for insurance), before there's maternity leave, before there's an infant at home to care for.  On the other hand, I don't want to add any extra stress to an already stressful situation of fertility care. 

I have this conversation with myself (and lucky family members) every few months and the answer is always the same: better to stay put. First, we maxed out fertility benefits on my husband's insurance and recently switched over to mine. I want to use that benefit to its max before moving on, keeping in mind that some time in the future either he or I will have to get new insurance depending on how many cycles we do and how many succeed. Second, as much as I think I would want a stimulating job, I know if I'm honest with myself I don't want to deal with new responsibilities as I'm trying to get pregnant. If I need the distraction I can start a new hobby or add hours to Netflix, but trying to mix a new job and treatment just seems like such a terrible idea.  

I don't want to look back with regrets. Hindsight is 20/20 but at this point I can only decide based on the facts in front of me. I may regret not making a career move, but I will never regret giving treatment the best shot possible. With that in mind, the choice to stay put becomes clear. I can, and probably will, revisit this conversation again in a few months.