This is 35

Happiness takes work but it is a choice. During the Jewish month of Adar we increase our joy. It's not just automatic, but it's more easily accessible. One example I was taught was that it's as though He has opened up the happiness tap and all we have to do is reach out catch it raining down on us. It's available and there, but we do our part to gather it. So I've been working on happiness, positivity, being present.

At this point in my life, solid mid-30s, I don't have patience to do things I don't want to. I don't feel like I owe anyone an explanation for anything I choose. I appreciate genuine honest interactions more. I don't want to feel like I'm wishing my time away until xyz happens. For better or worse, this is my journey and it's up to me to make an effort to enjoy every day.

Over the weekend we celebrated my birthday. Friday was the actual day but I went to work and it was just us for dinner. Saturday night we went out with friends but I didn't keep my phone out so there isn't even a single picture - so did it really happen? On Sunday my family hosted a nice party. I took Monday off just to chill. I ended up spending some of the day getting the bathroom ready for the updating, but that's a different kind of joy since I'm so excited for this reno.

Tomorrow is a heavy date that's been weighing on me. While I've been trying not to let past baggage weigh me down I can't deny that it's on my mind. Working on trying to be positive about what's ahead.

Upcoming bday blues

I'm sure I'm not the only one to experience birthday blues. I feel pressure to celebrate and make it awesome and worthy of being posted on social media. Sometimes I don't feel like making it into a big deal or that I've reached whatever milestone I thought I would have accomplished by said birthday.

By my friends and family I want to be celebrated and pampered and the same time I hate surprises and don't want anyone to feel obligated to do anything. It's hard to know what I want which means it's hard for them to know what to do. Then I try not to resent them for not living up to my unrealistic expectations.

In past years I came up with the idea to take a short trip around my birthday. We did Philadelphia one year, Chicago another, Niagara Falls once. All short trips, usually about two or three nights. The perfect amount of time to get away, feel like I've done something special, taking control of the day while easing off the burden from my loved ones to plan something incredible.

Last year we didn't go anywhere because of the pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. This year my birthday is on a Friday and travel doesn't fit with our work schedules. I thought I made it clear to my husband what I want but from his responses and reactions I don't think I did, and it bums me out that it's a point of contention. I get that planning and gifting isn't everyone's strong point and I'm not only asking him to go outside his comfort zone but I'm also expecting him to completely change who he is and that's just unfair to us both.

Thirty five feels like a big number. Youth is officially over. I'm no longer in the 18-34 age range. It's officially as far away from my 20s as it is close to my 40s. AMA gets stamped on every OB chart, should I be so lucky to get to that point. Yet it's not even middle age. I don't feel old. I just no longer feel young. I try not to compare myself with people around me the same age. I try not to think that I've "wasted" nearly five years on being in limbo trying to build a family, feeling stuck career-wise, financially, and in nearly every aspect of life because of fertility treatments and their failures.

I feel that it's incredibly entitled to feel glum or complain about something as simple as a birthday and/or its celebration. No one owes me anything and I'm incredibly lucky to be turning a year older. So my goal for the next few weeks is to focus on gratitude and remind myself of the accomplishments and blessings we do have.

FET 6: 13dp6dt, BETA (3/8/18)

This post was originally written on the date in the subject line. All posts for FET 6 were saved as drafts and posted together as a series on one day. Read more here. 

My original birthday post doesn't include the reason I was really happy all day. Beta came back positive at 686.

We went in for bloodwork together for the first time. We needed to get our non-viable embryo disposal forms signed in front of a staff member as a witness. The other option was to find a notary but that would mean going during business hours and it wasn't something we wanted to miss work for. We went earlier than usual so that my husband could still be at work on time. So we left home at 6:30 AM. I had been dead asleep only half an hour prior, so I didn't really have a chance to chug my water as usual. I tried, but it was so early and even room temp water felt cold and like cement in my stomach. I still got 16 oz down but it apparently wasn't enough, or didn't have enough time to absorb, because they couldn't get blood even after two sticks.

I took a break, drank tons more water, signed the paperwork in front of our witness, then went back to the waiting room to get called back for bloodwork. At this point it was 7:20 am and I was fussing that if they would have gotten blood the first time around we'd be done by now. My husband wasn't worried. He said there is nothing more important we have to do today. <3

I got called back again and the staff had rotated. The new person was able to get it with one stick. We checked out and booked it out of there. On the ride home we chatted and I was happy he got to see a glimpse of what life is like for me during a cycle. When it's one time that they can't get blood it's one thing; but when it's like that day after day that time adds up and it's really frustrating.

He went to work and I went shopping, doing some retail therapy and just clearing my head browsing at stores. I was so pleased with my BBB score. I got new bedroom decor and sheets and blankets and throw pillows - the works! My bedroom decor vision is coming together. I just have to get an electrician to swap out the light fixture and we're almost done.

I had already decided that when the call comes in I'll let it go to voicemail so that we can hear the results together. I'd been peeing on my expired pee sticks so I knew there was some hcg in my system. At 10:55 am I got an email with the subject line: Mazal Tov. From there it became the happiest day. No matter what else went on birthday-related, I knew I'd be on cloud nine the rest of the day. Later on the nurse called to confirm I had gotten the results but I was shopping and it went to voicemail anyway.

At this point I don't have any more fall-back reassurances. At least when I was peeing on the sticks and seeing the line get darker day by day it was a measure of something going right. But now that we've confirmed it, there's nothing the pee sticks can tell me. It's another waiting game until next beta on Monday. So nerve wracking.

We've gone from 13dp6dt to 4w4d with one result.

So we wait. We'll enjoy our secret and the morning sickness that started creeping in around mid-mornings.

This is 34

It was a great day. I took the day off work and spent it doing whatever I want. First I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and whipped out a collection of gift cards and coupons I'd been saving up. I walked out with nearly $300 worth of stuff after paying only $21. I also visited Williams-Sonoma for fun, shopped around for some clothes, and then had lunch with friends. Got my nails done in the afternoon and went out to dinner when my husband came home from work. For dessert we opted for a huge Belgian waffle with whip cream, ice cream, chocolate, and berries instead of cake. Worth it.

All in all I'm happy with the decision to take off and just do stuff I don't normally do - like go to a store and browse; I buy everything online these days. I was happy to have me-time as well as spend it with people I love. It was interesting to see who preferred to send private messages and who posted on social media. I appreciated it either way and tried to respond to the personal messages (via text/email) but stayed away from fb most of the day. Family celebration over the weekend coming up.

Happy birthday to me!

Happy Birthday!

A very happy my birthday to you!  Hope you're having a great day. So far so good for me.

I went out to lunch with my team at work. It was lovely. A great way to spend lunch break if I have to be at work anyway.

My husband is currently baking a cake (!) and making pizza for dinner. I'm super excited. He's not a kitchen person and I love that he's stretching beyond his comfort zone for me.

I think the cry yesterday helped me so much. I was able to start today with a fresh outlook. It helped make it a cheerful day and I'm back to being hopeful.

I sent my doctor an email asking him to call me. I included my phone number and said it's not urgent - it's really not. I'd be fine with it if he calls me within the week. I've noticed I'm not so impatient anymore. Maybe because I know the transfer is already scheduled and it's still a while away so there's no rush. In any case, I asked about the endo scratch and he couldn't give me a recommendation one way or the other. He said it's up to us and what we decide. He still doesn't believe the value in it but that they offer it as an option because of mixed reviews.

There's also the added factor of the ERA. The results from the ERA said my lining is most receptive after 6 days of PIO. But the biopsy for the ERA happened without an endo scratch. Which means that introducing an endo scratch may invalidate the ERA results. On one hand, I'm not objecting to the biopsy itself. However, I don't want to transfer too late based on the ERA results if my lining has already been "woken up" by the endo scratch and miss my window. I'm torn. My husband says it's up to me, since it's my uterus getting scraped.

It feels like it's a gamble. Regardless of what we decide if it doesn't work we'll regret not going with the other option. If whatever we decide this time doesn't work we'll do the other option next time. We're adding the prednisone/lovenox meds into the mix this time no matter what we decide with the endo scratch.

So: endo scratch or not?  I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Rough day

Today was a hard day. I worked late and got home around 9:00 PM. My stomach was bothering me and I was in and out of the bathroom all day. I ate just a plain yogurt (probably a bad idea in hindsight), banana, and apple all day. I wasn't hungry because I was busy and occupied.

I got the official timeline from my nurse. There were some notations on the bottom that I thought were just leftovers from the template she used for the last patient or something. I asked about them and she's like, "Oh, those are your biopsies." Wait, what? I had no idea what she's talking about. I asked about it and she said, "With the implantation failure we do perform 2 endometrial biopsies...The biopsy is meant to "wake up" the lining." Yeah, I'm familiar with the terminology what I don't get is why it's in my timeline and why is this the first time I'm seeing it? Did I miss something?? I was very confused. It took me completely by surprise. I remember discussing it at our WTF appointment in the summer after failed FET 3, but it was never decided that we'd do it. In fact, the doc wasn't even convinced that this would help and was just mentioning it as an option. He was  adamant about changing only one thing at a time though. So we went with the ERA option because it would give "concrete" information. We changed protocol for FET 4 based on the ERA results. When that failed, we added the extra meds prednisone/lovenox for FET 5. I'm still unsure where it was decided to add the endo scratch anywhere. My husband doesn't remember it being discussed after the July appointment either. I'm paying too much money for them to treat me like some statistic and randomly add crap to my timeline without asking or even telling me about it.

In addition, we got back PGD results for our embryos. One. It's hard to be upset at a beautiful healthy embryo. And yet I can't stop crying. I'm so, so grateful it wasn't a busted cycle with zero. But one? Just one? All that money and blood, sweat, and tears for one? We went through all that for one? I'm feeling guilty for being upset about the one. I know some people would love to get a healthy embryo from their own eggs/sperm. I know people go through multiple cycles just to get one healthy embryo PGD-tested and ready for transfer. Even so, knowing what I know about our transfer history I'm upset that this cycle resulted in only one shot.

And then since I was crying already, I couldn't stop. I cried for the failed transfers. I cried for the nights of anxiety. I cried for the years we've been childless. I cried for the unknown. I cried because my birthday is tomorrow and not only am I getting older, but the pressure of "what are you doing for your birthday?" has become overwhelming -- the answer is nothing. It's a regular day that happens to be the anniversary of when I was born. I should be calling my mom to say thanks and call it a day. The one thing I wanted to do was travel and we can't do that. I cried that we can't go on a trip. I cried that we don't have money for renovations. I cried because my husband didn't realize I hadn't eaten yet and ate all the good parts from the crockpot meal I put up in the morning since I knew I'd be working late. I cried because the tissues were rough. I cried because the president is a lunatic. I cried because I don't like feeling sorry for myself; I'd rather be a badass. I cried because I want to share good news with my parents so badly. I cried because I'm relieved we got a good embryo from the cycle. I cried because we only got one embryo from this cycle. I cried because I'm scared for the transfer. I cried because I'm worried for the future.

As I was crying I was surfing online and came across a line: "A winner is just a loser who tried one more time." We are not on an easy path. Hope guides us as we stumble along, trying yet one more time.

Chicago!

This year's birthday trip was to Chicago, IL.  Neither of us had been there and it fit all the requirements for our trip: close enough to travel to, enough attractions to keep us busy, and no zika virus!

It was a jam-packed trip and even though we have very different vacation styles we both had a great time. When I go somewhere new, I like packing everything as much as possible. My husband thinks that vacation is for relaxing and taking it easy.  What? No, we didn't fly here to sleep.  Party time!

We were able to get a lot done even though it was only a few days. We lucked out with the weather. It was pre-spring and the weather was beautiful the entire time. In a nutshell, we visited the Bean in Millennium Park, did the Architectural Boat Tour, walked up and down the Magnificent Mile, visited the Navy Pier (and the stained glass museum section) even though most of it was closed while they were getting ready to open for the season, saw an improv show at Second City, went to the top of the Hancock center to get a 360-degree view of the city, and walked along Lake Michigan on a beautiful day. We also visited Skokie a few times since that's where the kosher restaurants are.

When we checked in and told them we were there to celebrate a birthday, the hotel upgraded us to a river view room and gave us complimentary drinks at the bar. We also met a TSA agent whose birthday was also on the 8th!

City skyline from Navy Pier

View of the city from our room

 Deep dish pizza

Second City stage

The best part was that it was not only a physical change of scenery, but it was also a mental break. I like my job and I like my schedule, but getting a break from the routine of regular life was really nice. It was great to walk around in the beautiful weather and see new things.   

Party time

Another year, another birthday. Well, not yet - it's next week.

Growing up we didn't make a big deal of celebrating birthdays. Of course, there would always be a cake with candles at family dinner and a token gift. We didn't do the big bashes kids have today with 70 screaming children hopped up on sugar and running wild at laser tag or whatever.

When I got married I expected a similar celebration from my husband - thoughtful gift and a token celebration. Since thinking ahead and planning romantic anythings is completely out of his comfort zone, my birthday was disappointing the first few years of marriage. I get that I may be hard to shop for, but more than that is that my expectations were unrealistic to the personality type I married. 

Enter Brilliant Plan of 2015. We decided that since we never go anywhere or do anything, since our favorite activity is being lazy together at home binge watching TV, we should use birthdays to visit new places. The birthday person would plan their perfect trip and we would go together. 

Last year my birthday was on a Sunday and to save on cash we decided to make it into a day trip instead of an overnighter. It worked out so well. We went to Philadelphia and spent the day touring. Among other things we visited the Liberty Bell and were surprised at how small it was. I made sure to point out that we would never have known that if we didn't see it in person because it always looked so big in pictures! Wasn't it supposed to be bigger? Also, should we tell someone there's a crack in it?

We splurged on dinner at a fancy restaurant and headed home. It was only a 2 hr ride away and we always said we would visit but we hadn't been able to get our lazy butts out of the house any other day. Not only did we have a lovely time, but I also felt thoroughly celebrated on my birthday. 

This year is a little different. I wanted to go to Florida for my birthday. I miss the beach. It's such an easy trip and there are so many great restaurants. My husband hasn't been to Florida since I ran the Miami Half Marathon in 2012 so he was on board even thought it's not a new place. We made the plans in the fall and started looking forward to the trip. 

Since then, zika virus broke out. Even though I haven't heard much about it recently, there is no way I'm going through all this fertility treatment to try to have a healthy baby only to compromise it with getting the zika virus. So Florida was out. In fact, any place down south was out - I don't know where those crazy mosquitoes are breeding! Not risking it.

We also can't really visit the West coast because we only planned a few days off work and didn't want to spend most of them on an airplane. So we were limited to the upper right quadrant of the United States. After much searching online, considering the weather, debating locations, we picked a place and have it booked for next week! I'll post pictures and details when we get back. Happy almost birthday to me!