Upcoming bday blues

I'm sure I'm not the only one to experience birthday blues. I feel pressure to celebrate and make it awesome and worthy of being posted on social media. Sometimes I don't feel like making it into a big deal or that I've reached whatever milestone I thought I would have accomplished by said birthday.

By my friends and family I want to be celebrated and pampered and the same time I hate surprises and don't want anyone to feel obligated to do anything. It's hard to know what I want which means it's hard for them to know what to do. Then I try not to resent them for not living up to my unrealistic expectations.

In past years I came up with the idea to take a short trip around my birthday. We did Philadelphia one year, Chicago another, Niagara Falls once. All short trips, usually about two or three nights. The perfect amount of time to get away, feel like I've done something special, taking control of the day while easing off the burden from my loved ones to plan something incredible.

Last year we didn't go anywhere because of the pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. This year my birthday is on a Friday and travel doesn't fit with our work schedules. I thought I made it clear to my husband what I want but from his responses and reactions I don't think I did, and it bums me out that it's a point of contention. I get that planning and gifting isn't everyone's strong point and I'm not only asking him to go outside his comfort zone but I'm also expecting him to completely change who he is and that's just unfair to us both.

Thirty five feels like a big number. Youth is officially over. I'm no longer in the 18-34 age range. It's officially as far away from my 20s as it is close to my 40s. AMA gets stamped on every OB chart, should I be so lucky to get to that point. Yet it's not even middle age. I don't feel old. I just no longer feel young. I try not to compare myself with people around me the same age. I try not to think that I've "wasted" nearly five years on being in limbo trying to build a family, feeling stuck career-wise, financially, and in nearly every aspect of life because of fertility treatments and their failures.

I feel that it's incredibly entitled to feel glum or complain about something as simple as a birthday and/or its celebration. No one owes me anything and I'm incredibly lucky to be turning a year older. So my goal for the next few weeks is to focus on gratitude and remind myself of the accomplishments and blessings we do have.