For me, the peak of the curve is transfer day. Leading up to it I feel happy and relaxed, not jealous at all of anyone. Family occasions are easier to get through, I'm more patient and tolerant of comments. In my mind, my happiness is just around the corner with all the hopes and dreams riding on the upcoming transfer. When transfer happens, the peak plateaus while we anxiously wait for results. If the results are good, the peak rises a bit; but as always has been the case in the past, there was always a significant dip when the transfer didn't work or when the pregnancy ended in miscarriage. Each time we lost a pregnancy, the dip went a little lower and made it harder to climb back up. Almost as though the baggage of previous losses weighed us down and helped gravity sink us even deeper.
This thought only popped into my mind yesterday as I was folding laundry. It was so strange to realize something so fundamentally simple and obvious. It completely explains why it has made riding the upswing of the curve so difficult. As soon as we got the all clear weeks ago I should have been thrilled but I just couldn't enjoy it because I know what it's like to be in the depression of the dip and I'm terrified of being there again.
None of this was news. It was just very interesting to me to realize this about myself. Maybe now that I realize it I can do something with it.
This makes a lot of sense! Especially the part about each time the curve went down and there was a disappointment/loss, it dipped further and made it harder to rebound/climb back up. I feel like we are in that place of a supposed upswing where we should feel hopeful and excited (I had a frozen embryo transfer last Wednesday). There's some excitement at times, but I do feel like the previous cycle which ended in a chemical is weighing us down, and maybe our psyche is trying to protect us from the grief. I've also had several failed IUIs in the past, too. Anyway, I appreciate this post. How do you think you might use this insight going forward? I think an initial benefit might be recognizing "why" you feel the way you do and having understanding/compassion for yourself.
ReplyDeleteHi Kristina. I think understanding this insight helps me manage my expectations. Knowing what's ahead is one thing, but realizing the curve helps in accepting the past and preparing emotionally for the future.
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