For the first time since May 19, the date of the ultrasound which changed everything, I started really feeling like myself. I still carry the baggage around but at least I'm starting to see beyond the fog. What attributed to this change? I can't pinpoint an exact moment it happened, but I think it has a lot to do with things going on this week.
Sunday we did something out of the ordinary for us and went kayaking. It was way out of my comfort zone to plan a bbq and go with a big group and figure out all the details of who's bringing what. I ended having a slight meltdown yelling to my husband about someone on the way, but after that it was such a non-issue and ended up being a lovely day.
I bookended appointments both Tuesday and Wednesday before and after work that it basically became the week of -ists: dermatologist, dentist, therapist, cardiologist. My friend suggested that maybe I missed having daily doctor's appointments. It does seem like it, right? It's not intentional, honest.
I started Tues morning with an appointment at the dermatologist. They removed a cyst/mole of sorts that I've had for years. It was entirely cosmetic but I haven't wanted to deal with it in the past because stitches would interfere with mikvah, plus the location on my thigh would make it annoying for fertility treatment with docs poking around. I figured now is a good a time as any since those are both currently irrelevant. It was a quick and easy appointment and I got to work early. After work I went to see the infertility therapist. I could write a whole post about that appointment, but I'll summarize it instead. Pros: it was good to talk to someone who knows all the people and terminology. Even though she's not directly related with the clinic, she knows all the doctors and nurses. She's sympathetic and easy to talk to. The office is well organized and convenient. Cons: I didn't really see the point. She's not going to fix anything or change the past. In her assessment she says that I need to give it time. I left feeling ok and scheduled for another appt in a month. I don't immediately see the benefit but I'll see her again on the chance that there may be one. Biggest con is that she doesn't accept insurance.
Wednesday was also busy. I started the day getting my permanent crown put in post root canal. Another thing happily crossed off my list. Then I went to a brit/baby naming. This was a friend who got married for the second time and just had her first baby. We were asked to kvatter but turned it down. I stopped accepting for non-family. It's nice to be asked but bittersweet. Anyway, one of the baby's grandparents is a big deal in the community so the place was packed. There were easily 300 people there - it was a big party. Everything was decorated in "baby boy" colors and decor. It was beautiful and I felt overwhelmed but not so much that I had to run out. Or cry. It was encouraging rather than not. I'm not sure I can explain it. After that I went to work and called the dentist because the crown put in earlier needed adjusting. I ran back to the dentist at lunchtime to get it fixed, then grabbed a bagel and headed back to work for a few hours before going to the cardiologist for the stress tests.
My office is closed next week and I'm planning out the week so I don't have too much down time to mope. I also have several vacation days I'll lose in Sept if I don't take them so I would really love to take a vacation. My husband has the opposite problem - he's barely got enough vacation days to scrape together a weekend getaway. It's so discouraging to try to plan a trip and keep hitting a brick wall (for time off, expenses, zika-free location) but I've been freshly motivated to try to make it a reality. We're still trying to save a lot of my husband's vacation days for a big trip but right now I'm focusing on getting a breather and a change of scenery, even if it's just a couple of days.
Today marks 5 weeks since the d&c. Still waiting for AF to show up. I'm still not sure what to do with the next cycle: IVF 6 or FET 6. Both are good options. Both are intense in different ways. Both have pros and cons. I can also skip a cycle to extend the break and just take more time to think about it, though the idea of delaying indefinitely doesn't sit well either.