FET 5: Beta 2

Thankfully, good news.

The call came at 1:30 PM, a full two hours later than the call earlier this week. It doesn't seem like a lot in hindsight, but when you're checking the phone every 30 seconds or so it feels like an eternity #shpilkes

My nurse directed me to make an ultrasound appointment for late next week so they can measure something? Sac placement? I'm not sure. Too early for a heartbeat, so definitely something else. When she specified "when you call the front desk to schedule, specify that it's an OB ultrasound so they put you in for the right amount of time," to which my immediate reaction was, "Shhhhhhh don't jinx it!" though thankfully the filter caught that one in time and it remained just a thought in my mind. The anxiety is real, daily, and insistent. I'm trying to keep superstitions at bay - what will be will be - though that's easier said than done. I know it can end in a second.

Thank you for all the love. I've gotten several emails and fb msgs from people saying that Blogger is giving them trouble with commenting. I'm touched not only that you're interested in my saga but that you also took the time to find a way to reach me and share your good wishes. Thank you! If it's easier, there's an anonymous post option where you can just sign your name at the end. Either way, I love hearing from you. I've opened a complaint ticket at blogger so maybe they'll be able to shed some light on it.

Hope you enjoy a wonderful weekend!

FET 4, Beta 2: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

The good news is that my numbers doubled: they're up from 448 to 954.

The bad news is that I've been having intense cramping and around lunch started spotting heavily. I called my nurse in a panic and I was told that spotting is normal. She said there are a few reasons for bleeding at this stage, such as the meds causing it. She said that while it seems alarming I should try to relax and just keep taking the meds. It was reassuring enough to keep me from crying but not enough to make me stop worrying. Next appointment is Monday for third beta so if I'm in pain or have heavier bleeding I need to call the after hours line.

The ugly is that I had just gotten to Wegman's for some pre-holiday shopping when I decided I should use the restroom quickly first. It was there that I discovered the bleeding so in my freakout I just ran to my car to call the clinic. I didn't get any of the groceries I meant to buy and didn't realize until later in the day.

We're cautiously optimistic. The numbers doubled, as they should. But as soon as I saw the red my happy bubble burst and I realized that this could all end at the blink of an eye. I'm happy the numbers doubled and that there's still a chance that this will be ok, but I'm so worried. I'm trying not to assume the worst just yet.

FET 4: Beta

It's been a long and exhausting day but there are important updates and limited editing below.

Left the house at 7:00 AM and made it to the clinic by 7:30 AM. Waited for 25 min before being called for bloodwork. Back in the car at exactly 8:00 AM. Made it to the interview place by 8:40 AM which gave me time to find parking, look over some papers and use the restroom before the 9:00 AM interview. I met with three sets of people and talked non-stop until 10:45 AM. From there I went to meet a friend for coffee. I got home at 12:25 PM at which point I got the call from the clinic.

You know how they like to see a number above 100? You know what my number was? 448.

4. 4. 8.

The doc said the number, and I'm like 148? That's great! He's like no and repeated it. I'm like 248? Wow! I finally got it on the third time. 448!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is that even a real number??? I didn't know numbers that high were even an option for first beta!

We told our parents and a close friend following our story. If you know me IRL please keep this news to yourself - we're obviously not ready to go public yet.

We're thrilled. I was so happy with the news. But it doesn't feel real yet. I couldn't sit still at home so I went in to work for the afternoon. They were actually texting me questions and because it's a short week they were time sensitive, so it was easier to just come in. It's fine - I enjoyed being around people with my little secret. In fact, meeting new people and learning about the new position in the interview made me appreciate my current job and team members even more.

It still doesn't feel real and every few minutes we remember and we're like, is this real? Is this really happening?? We're so cautiously happy, knowing that it's still so early and anything can happen. But for the time being... officially pregnant. Thank you Hashem. Thank you everyone who said tehillim.

Next bloodwork is Wednesday to confirm the number is doubling.

FET 4: 6dp6dt

Day 6 post transfer
Day 2 of monster cold

In short, a few exciting things:

• Did a glass blowing workshop today. I made a wavy bowl. It needs to cool off slowly because it might crack if cooled too quickly so I'll pick it up in a few days. So fun.
• Have an interview scheduled for Monday morning!
• Not feeling preg. I know it's early for symptoms. I also know it's possible that being congested is masking symptoms, however minor. 
• Haven't tested yet.

Beta and interview are same day, back to back. I'll have to take the morning off for the interview, and it will likely be close to 11 am by the time I get in to the office. By then it will be almost time to get beta results. Last time I got not great news I left the office at lunch with a "migraine" and didn't come back. If the news is good, I have no issue going in to the office. If it's not good news, I'll want to be home. So I'm considering taking off the whole day. 

I have the time and my supervisor wouldn't give me any issues. I don't know why I'm so opposed to taking time off. I'm always trying to save it, but this is exactly the kind of thing it's being saved for. I can always take off and then figure it out at the time.

4w2d

I'm so bummed. I know it's not over til it's over, but things feel different.

For one, the cramping stopped. It's been a constant buddy since transfer day and this morning I just didn't feel it anymore.  For another, I took a HPT with fmu and the line barely showed up. I cried most of yesterday evening after reading what it takes for such a low beta to result in a healthy progressing pregnancy. It wasn't hysterical sobbing, just a quiet mourning and sadness of what's possibly to come.

I told my husband that we should have shared the news with parents while it was still relevant and we were excited, instead of just sharing a chem preg / miscarriage. He said that we can tell them tonight, before Thursday's bloodwork, and that it may still be ok. I feel like at this point we shouldn't get their hopes up only to possibly crush them tomorrow. Then again, the support and prayers would be appreciated so I might take him up on the offer.

Whenever I starting thinking about cutsie ways to announce the pregnancy I stopped short, not letting my train of thought run wild. I didn't calculate a due date. I didn't figure out with a calendar when each trimester would be done. I didn't come up with a list of friends I want to personally notify. I didn't think about a way to let my supervisor and her boss know. I didn't devise a cute plan of how to tell my coworkers. I put everything on the back burner - first I wanted to see a heartbeat.

I know there's technically still hope but none of the signs point to a good outcome from this and I'm so guarded about holding on to false hope. Even if tomorrow's bloodwork comes out shitty they still want to see me again on Monday to follow the progression, if any.  So we might not get a definitive answer tomorrow, but hopefully we'll know more. 

:'(

Beta #1

Introducing, for the very first time ever, the "pregnant" label!!!! Beta came back at 61.2 from this morning's bloodwork. According to betabase.info it is within the normal range even though it's on the lower end of the range and under the median. According to my clinic, they like to see a number above 50. I've been trying to stay off the message boards and Google.

It's so surreal. I told my husband as soon as I heard results and we celebrated silently via texts while we were each at work. We had originally decided to tell parents after we heard back the beta results but now that it's a real thing, we're not so sure we're ready to share the news yet. Next blood test is scheduled for Thursday and we're supposed to see the numbers double. I think we want to wait until a heartbeat, but we'll see.

I'm a little in denial. Thrilled, happy, calm. I'm enjoying it as it's happening but also very cautious about being too happy too soon. I put in a call to my nurse to ask a few questions: what happens after the second beta? At what point do we do the ultrasound to hear the heartbeat? How long do I have to keep taking the meds? When do I get released to my OB? Anything else I haven't mentioned? I'll probably hear back from her tomorrow.

This is uncharted territory. We've never been here before but we're glad we made it. Ahhh!

13dp6dt

The waiting continues! Today is the last day of the 2WW. I went into the clinic this morning for my blood draw and we're just waiting to hear results, which I assume will come around lunchtime. Traffic was nearly non-existent and the clinic waiting room was empty when I got there. I was called back within seconds and asked why things are so quiet. The tech said the schedule is packed so she's not sure what's going on. I don't know either but it worked out well for me. I was out so quickly, and traffic on the way back was so smooth, that I had time to go grocery shopping and drop off the food at home before getting to work early! It's as if everyone knew today is a great day to stay out of my way.

I've been feeling symptoms all week but I don't know if they're any indication of anything. My boobs have been sore, which could be the progesterone. I kind of lost my appetite, which could be the heat. I've been having something going on for the past two weeks: it's a mix of cramps, indigestion, and/or gas. It's not gas or indigestion because it's too low down, but that's what it feels like. Again, it could be another side effect of the PIO. When it's there I worry that something is wrong. When it goes away I worry that things stopped progressing. I assume that's what pregnancy will be like the entire time.

I'm excited! I feel good about this. I hope we hear good news.