Friday, September 10, 2021

Don't understand

I don't understand. I want to understand but I just can't wrap my mind around it. Why are people fighting SO HARD against masks and vaccines? They would rather inject themselves with worm medication intended for animals rather than accept the science and get the tried-and-tested HUMAN vaccine.  

 "We have been patient, but our patience is wearing thin. And your refusal has cost all of us." - President Joe Biden, September 9, 2021

Those words: your refusal has cost all of us. Your refusal is making my life more difficult. Your refusal means that case numbers are still going up and that I can't travel freely to visit family and friends. Your refusal means my son has never been in a grocery store or normal shul service. Your refusal is prolonging this pandemic for everyone! Your freedom is not more important than everyone's safety. People inject ink under their skin and drink alcohol until their liver explodes but won't take a medication that will end this pandemic. If you don't want your shot - fine - it's your choice to get sick, but stay out of the hospitals. Go live in the woods where you're not posing a threat to anyone else. You don't want to wear a mask? Fine, stay home. If you live in society you need to play by the rules and the rules are that you can't harm other people with your poor choices. 

On the flip side, Texas abortion laws. Where's the outrage there? Where's the protest and vitriol we've seen, like from people on airplanes refusing to wear a mask? The anti-abortion laws don't even understand basic biology (saying a woman has six weeks to decide, where most women aren't even pregnant weeks 1-3 because dating is based on LMP).

It's become a judgement point for me. I'm having a hard time maintaining relationships with people whose mindset is so different than mine. It started with the Trump era but I chalked it up to "different politics" and avoided the topic. This topic is not avoidable. If you're not vaccinated I won't bring my son in the same room with you. If you refuse to vaccinate your 12+ aged kids, you're putting them at risk and I can't wrap my mind around that parenting choice. I don't understand. 

Help me understand. Is there a reasoning I'm missing? Is there a message I can share that will help spread more correct information and get people on board? What is it? What's the trick to helping me understand them so that they can understand me? I don't agree with forcing anyone to do something so outside their comfort zone but what are the other options?

Thursday, September 9, 2021

Rosh Hashanah 5782 - 2nd COVID new year

This time last year we were in shock that it was six months later from the start of the pandemic and we're still dealing with it. Everyone did Rosh Hashanah on their own. It didn't even occur to me that there may be more new years we'd be spending in a pandemic. 

Fast forward a year. We planned a small gathering for the first night. Considering the rising infection rates, one family decided it was too risky to travel. Another family had a member with fever and, even though everyone tested negative for COVID, they backed out too. I hope we have more opportunities for future gatherings all together soon. My husband went to an outdoor service and we stayed home.

The night before RH I got an urgent call around bedtime. "Get dressed, I'm coming to pick you up." Turns out a local COVID vaccine clinic was nearing the end of the day and there were several doses still left that were about to be tossed. It was posted in a public group, first come first serve, for anyone to claim. First, second... or third doses. I didn't hesitate and got the shot. Part of me remembered about pupo status and for a minute considered texting my doctor. But after following all the information online about the safety of the vaccines and the ACOG recommendations that anyone pregnant or TTC should get them, I was confident I was doing the right thing for my safety. Protecting me means protecting any potential occupant, knowing that getting covid while pregnant raises the risk significantly to both. 

Over the holiday I read a potty training book. Today I bought a potty. And while I was shopping online, also got some pee sticks. I've lasted this long without testing, maybe I can hold out. Lot of cramping and bloating, very uncomfortably so. I thought maybe it's a UTI but I tested for that and it came back negative so not sure what's going on but I also got more UTI strips. Pee everywhere.

Sunday, September 5, 2021

FET 8: CD 28, 3dp

Only one symptom: cramping. Ongoing since transfer. Started before I started the crinone on cd 26. On Saturday we were walking home and it got more intense. I took a few breaks going uphill and then rested when I got home. Trying to stay hydrated. Getting ready for the holidays is keeping me occupied and my mind off the what ifs. 

I don't have any pee sticks. I may have learned my lesson with the mind games they cause and didn't restock after the last round. Instead, we're running around town looking for other tests: covid testing kits are once again in short supply. We're trying to test the group before gathering for the holiday and it's proving difficult to find kits. I went to two walgreens, a cvs, and a rite aid and got one kit. Others have found similar results. I don't understand why test kits are this difficult to find 18 months after the start of the pandemic. This, along with the new Texas abortion laws, makes me wonder if I should reconsider living in this country.

Watching the Netflix documentary "Turning Point: 9/11 and the war on terror." I was in high school when it happened and remember all the details from my point of view. Over the years I watched a lot of footage about other people's point of view of the same day. Hours and hours of documentaries and personal stories. Maybe it's that I remember witnessing the event, or that I know a world before 9/11, or that I'm still in disbelief that it actually happened. Regardless of the reason, I will watch anything new that comes out (minus the conspiracy theories - watched enough to know it's not for me).

Among several other dishes, my Rosh Hashanah menu includes a delicious vegetarian mock liver (basically an eggplant dip), some sweet and sour meatballs, and so much challah. 

Happy 5782! Wishing health, happiness, success, and peace to all. 

Thursday, September 2, 2021

FET 8: Transfer day

I signed all the consent forms electronically ahead of time. Due to COVID protocols, my husband was not allowed to hang out with me in the waiting booth this time. They made him stay in the main waiting area until I was taken to the OR and then he was escorted in. I'm glad he was able to come at all since in this new world that's not at all a given.

They asked me to come in an hour before my scheduled procedure. While I waited and sipped water to get my bladder nice and full, I heard the other patients being wheeled to recovery from their procedures. One lady just beyond my curtain was coming out of an egg retrieval. She got 19 eggs and sounded like she was in a lot of pain. At one point while getting dressed she dropped her phone on the floor. Instinctively I reached out to get it then remembered the invisible privacy barrier between those curtain dividers. We're supposed to pretend we can't hear all the TMI happening just inches away. I called out asking her if she wants me to pick up the phone, and she responded, "Yes please" almost in tears. A nurse got to it before me and helped the patient. I'm sorry for how much pain she's in now. More sorry for her knowing the pain will be uncomfortable the next 3-5 days before she starts feeling better. I wanted to share with her all the tips and tricks I've learned over the years from going through multiple IVF cycles, at the very least remind her to snack on salty foods and stay hydrated no matter how much it hurts to pee. But not only was she not in the place to hear it - she was still very out of it and asking questions on repeat - she was also on her own journey. Maybe today is her hard day and tomorrow she'll bounce right back. Why should I scare her with how long it took me to recover. It's so individualized. 

Back to my story, my official weigh in this morning was 3.2 lbs higher than the last transfer. Different this time was also that in the waiting booth I just got a chair, not a bed. And I walked to the OR instead of getting wheeled in. Almost as though they didn't want to go through cleaning another bed in the COVID era. Two female doctors ran the procedure, with one female embryologist. The whole thing took about 10 minutes, which included the adjustment of the legs and instruments. 

We feel blessed to be in a position to be able to try again. Feels really lucky that it landed on a week day, not on shabbat or holiday, and that daycare is open and available (not a given considering the recent weather event and all the COVID protocols). 

The embryo they transferred was categorized as B/B, frozen as A/A. We're hoping for the best and I'm trying to tame my superstitions. For example, the doctor offered me a photo of the embryo. I have one from every transfer except the last one that was successful. I wanted the photo but was worried that taking it might "jinx" things. Logically I know there isn't any connection. But those are hard rooted and ingrained deep from years of failure. 

We left and picked up brunch, ran a few errands for the upcoming holiday, then both went back to work. Business as usual. Over brunch we chatted about the morning and discussed the lady in the booth near mine in pain from her retrieval. The conversation shifted to what-if scenarios and he asked if I would consider doing another retrieval if things came to that. I can't say for sure at this point, but I really hope I won't need to. We tabled the discussion to focus on the here and now. One day at a time. Our job now is to wait.


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