Hello 2018

Winter break is over and we're back to work tomorrow. I spent part of my break watching lots of TV. I'm a fan of Survivor and over break I caught up on a few older seasons. One of them was Survivor Palau which aired in 2005. Spoilers ahead, in case you're saving it for watching later. 

In that season, one tribe gets completely decimated by the other. So much so that one tribe is left with one member while the other tribe had 9 people. What struck me about the season was that no matter how many times the losing tribe lost, they still had hope for the next challenge. At first it was lack of team cohesiveness and underestimating the other tribe, but even when they did everything right luck was just not on their side. As an objective observer outside the game watching the cleanly edited version, it was obvious there was no chance in hell they were going to get a comeback. When they were down to three members, one of them, who was a religious muslim, commented that there was a reason god kept him in the game this long and maybe there was a change of tide up ahead. He was voted off next. It was depressing to watch them not only get defeated but to continuously keep hoping for a chance. 

I very much connected with the losing tribe. It sounded a lot like our journey to date. No matter what we do we can't seem to catch a break. And no matter what happens we're still hopeful for a different outcome every treatment. After watching that season I was so depressed. I was already down because I was feeling left out of some things. I was down and just feeling sad and sorry for myself. 

I spent New Year's Eve crying in the shower while getting ready to go out to a few parties. I thought of everything we've been through so far and I'm just over it all. I'm so sick of this phase. I'm so over the failures. I'm so done with extra procedures poking and prodding of my uterus just to try to get some answers for why we can't do something that everyone else seems to have been able to master so easily and naturally. I don't want any more blood tests or procedures or medications or shots. If it felt like we were working toward something then it would be worth it, but there's no guarantee that just because we've been doing this for years we'll be successful. What if it wasn't meant to be? What if I was looking at it as an objective outsider I'd see the possible truth that there's no way it's going to happen for us? What if I need to cut our losses and just enjoy my life while accepting that this was just not in the cards for us? 

I know I'm not yet in a place where I'm ready to give up. I'm still in the hopeful-or-bust stage. But it scares me to think that we might have done all this for nothing. That maybe I will be ready to quit soon. Or that my husband will be done before me and we'll have to make a difficult decision. Our second opinion doctor said that the main reason people aren't successful is because they quit. I can't say I blame a single one of them for that decision. What if we're not successful even once we've exhausted all of our resources and stamina? 

I thought about all the things we're putting on hold while waiting for this stage to be over: home renovations, my career, our life. There in the shower on NYE I decided that 2018 was going to be the year we weren't going to do that anymore. 

While I'm not ready to give up on building a family, I am ready to stop giving up everything else. Whatever is in store for us will happen either way. Instead of resolutions for this year I want to make a wishlist. In the spirit of dreaming big, I present my wishlist for 2018:

• Take a big trip. It's time for new experiences, new adventures, and a change of scenery.
• Refinance and take out a loan for home renovations. For starters, bathroom situation needs a solution. I want to renovate the current one and/or add another one. I don't think we can afford an addition but a girl can dream. We also need to update the floors and kitchen counters. If we're really ambitious, adding some rooms in the basement. 
• Career shift. Either take on more responsibilities for a title change and pay increase or start looking somewhere new. I'm done putting my career on hold "just in case" I get pregnant. 
• Focus on relationships. I've prioritized my marriage and my feelings for the past few years, rightly so. Maybe it's time to add to that and expand my horizons by letting more people in like friends and extended family. I can't complain that people aren't there for me when I'm not a great friend to them. Regardless of how good my excuse is for being absent, I still need to do my share if I want the same in return.
• Have a baby. I know this one is completely beyond my control. But maybe having this on a list will help me remember that it is the goal for all those shots and pills and medications and ultrasounds and procedures.
• Eat healthier. Aside from continuing the weight loss attempts, I want to make vegetables more of a highlight in our menus. Even as I write this I groan internally about all the work that this entails, but I hope to make changes in small increments. If I do that there's more of a chance the changes will happen and stick long term.  
• Focus on kindness. There are many days that I know I could use a kind word or a kind gesture because something shitty happened or we got bad news or because infertility sucks. A kind gesture by a friend or stranger goes so far to help me and lift my mood, giving me the strength to keep going. Knowing what a difference it makes for me, I want to help other people feel the same. It doesn't have to be a big deal, but thinking about it and implementing it into every day life with intention can only help make it a better world. 

Every single day is a gift and too often we take it for granted. Each year brought its own challenges and blessings. The year 2015 was rough. I was hopeful 2016 would be different and it wasn't. I was hoping 2017 would be better but it wasn't. We're starting a new year and I'm still hopeful but I can't say I'm not worried and scared for what's in store. I'm less optimistic and more cynical but I'm so grateful for the blessings and I don't want to take them for granted any more just because I get lost in the tunnel vision for what we don't have. I love my life and the people in it. I'm terrified of something happening to take any or part of it away because I complain about one aspect of it that isn't going the way I want. I understand that nothing is guaranteed and my main resolution is to be grateful every day for whatever blessings I have been given.  

The plot line for 2018 has yet to be written... I can only hope that if I get a chance to write the NYE post on 12/31 I'll be able to look back and smile more than cry. 

2016 so far

Remember how everyone started out 2016 so hopeful and full of enthusiasm? THIS was going to be our year. This time it would be different! It wasn't just an ordinary January - it was January 2016. Nice, even number. The sweet sixteen of the decade. There was optimism and ambition and anticipation... so sure were we that the thing we want most is just around the corner. We could almost taste victory as we waited anxiously for the big things to happen to us.

Yet here we are, with over half the year gone, and it hasn't quite turned out the way we expected. It seems like I'm not the only one who feels this way about 2016.

I think there's a limit to what we can expect to happen TO us and what we actually go for. I recently finished Survivor season 29 and I was so impressed by the winner. Spoiler alert - I'm about to mention her name. I watched Natalie and her twin sister Nadiya on the Amazing Race a few years ago and I found them to be so annoying. They were shrill and aggressive and way too outwardly competitive to be fun to watch. But as a die hard survivor fan I watched the season anyway. When Nadiya got voted off first from her tribe, it was mainly because her tribe mates had similar prejudices against her based on her Amazing Race performance. Rightly or not, that reputation followed her to Survivor. Her sister Natalie was on the winning tribe and had time to form alliances which allowed her to secure a place for the long haul. Natalie also won me over. She was soft spoken (hunger and fatigue??) and very strategic. She wasn't greedy and gave up her reward and personal comfort on multiple occasions to further her game. She still kept some rewards and she worked hard for the immunity challenges she won. There were several times that her closest ally got voted off and she had to scramble to solidify new relationships. She didn't lose her mind or go off on people; she used the time she had to find immunity idols and make bold strategic moves.

A lot of people I know are working on their post-baby body, trying to get back in shape after having kids. Here I am still working on my pre-baby body to get ready to have healthy pregnancies. I could be doing more. I should be doing more. I'm not sure what's holding me back.

I very much have an "all or nothing" mentality that I've been working on modifying. I've started shifting that mentality because I realize life is not about all or nothing. If I only have 20 min to work out instead of 90 min, it's better than not working out at all. I should be able to have a cookie without having 3 more following it. I used to not try at all because I wasn't sure I'd be successful. I recently saw the interview of Sara Blakely who has a different view of failure, one which made her incredibly rich as the founder of Spanx.

I know that I can succeed at anything I put my mind to. I have enough self confidence, common sense, and skills to know that for sure. The question is what do I want to accomplish. For now, I'd like to set a realistic, achievable goal of losing 20 lbs (up from my 10lbs plan because, hey, let's dream big). I have a specific number in mind that I want to weigh when I go in for the FET #4 baseline. Even though I'm not sharing it here, I have it written down on a sticky note on my desk.

I know that these are the steps I need to accomplish that:

1) Work out at least 60 min 3x week
2) Limit calorie intake
3) Stay accountable on a daily basis using myfitnesspal.com

As for timeline, I'll say October 1 which gives me 10 weeks and sounds realistic for healthy weight loss. It's a start. It's a goal. It's a project.

Not only will this give me a target to focus on, but it will also help me feel like I'm doing something productive to get my body ready for the next FET. I hope that this coupled with whatever results we get back from the ERA will allow us to finally have a successful transfer and healthy pregnancy.

I'm pumped for this challenge. I feel that I can accomplish this goal and I'm the only one standing in my way. 2016 is not over yet! There's still time to MAKE it the best year yet. Let's do it!!!

Superfluous fluff: what holds you back?

Last night my husband asked if I ever feel like Judaism holds me back and it sparked an interesting conversation. The question was rather does the fact that we choose to be orthodox and follow halacha make me feel constrained in any way? To answer the question, not really except in one aspect. More on that soon.

For some background, he was learning about the mitzvah of p'ru urvu, literally translated as be fruitful and multiply, referring to the commandment to have children. In order to fulfill this mitzvah, one must have at least one boy and one girl. Anything else doesn't fulfill the mitzvah regardless of how many children or grandchildren one has.

Logically, if one has a genetic mutation that may cause a child to have a fatal disease, one would think that they are exempt from this mitzvah, right? He couldn't find any rav that says that in source. No one will come out and say you're exempt. You have to make the decision whether you want that mitzvah point regardless of how disabled or how slim the chances for survival are for said child.

In our case, we know we have a 50% chance at having a severely disabled child. While we are both normal, healthy adults, our child could come out with significant, possibly fatal defects. There is a spectrum and the disability could be very minor or very awful which would result in the necessity of multiple surgeries and endless stays in the NICU. I can't do that. At a certain point it becomes less about me and my mitzvah and more about this tiny baby coming into the world for a lifetime of pain ahead.

There's no way to know in advance which point on the spectrum the child will land, and it could be different for each child. Back when we were engaged and just learning of all this, we had decided that we would do everything in our power not to get pregnant with a disabled child but that if we did get pregnant naturally, there would be no abortion. Birth control may be a gray area in Judaism, but abortion is nearly black and white. Even if it wasn't, I knew that it's against my own personal belief. I wouldn't be able to handle it mentally and emotionally knowing I was purposely aborting my babies, potentially over and over depending on how many times it took to get pregnant with a healthy baby.

So it bothered my husband that no matter what we do, we may not complete this mitzvah of p'ru urvu and he felt like he can't win. I shared that in my view, we can't win 'em all. They say it takes a village, and in this case I think it can be meant literally. There are 613 mitzvot and we as a tribe can fulfill them all, but there's no way that one person can individually. For example, I said, "I can't be king and you can't be niddah." That's just how the cookie crumbles! Another example I gave was that we have so many friends with only one gender kids - all boys or all girls. They also didn't get the mitzvah point for p'ru urvu because technically they're still missing a gender. It doesn't make their kids any less special or miraculous. At the end of the day they all get married and have their own kids. Everyone fulfills their part and together we get to the 613.

I'm a lot less strict regarding halacha than he is and a lot more laid back about technicalities, so maybe that's why I never feel restricted. There is one thing I feel restricted and that's Survivor. It's my absolute favorite show and I would LOVE to be a contestant on it. But there are too many parts of it that I'm limited by Judaism: Shabbat, tzniut, kashrut, negiah... the list goes on! I would be so good at the strategy and manipulation, I could do puzzles and challenges, make fire, build shelter, find idols, and I would be great at the social aspect of it. But I can't go into a challenge not being able to eat a bug because it's not kosher, or not being able to cast a vote at tribal council because it's Friday night and I'm not supposed to write on Shabbat :) The thought of trying to explain all these limitations to Jeff Probst is hilarious to me. It's a very silly restriction and not really a restriction because I can obviously do without. In short, I don't really feel restricted at all. But I digress.....

I don't care so much about the technicalities of p'ru urvu, possibly because it's not even my mitzvah; it's his responsibility. Even so, I want a baby because I want a child. I understand that he will become a smartass one day and talk back and have tantrums and be expensive and exhausting. I know. I can only imagine how hard it would be, but I also know that the reason I want it can't be described in words.

I was telling my husband I want it all: the bris, the pidyon, the celebration, the parties, etc etc etc. He said not to get our expectations too high because what if there isn't a pidyon and what if we're so disappointed. I said that after all the years of waiting and treatment and then the 9 mos of pregnancy living with heightened anxiety and then surviving the stress of labor, if we are ever zoche to have a healthy baby in our arms, none of that will matter anymore and there is just no way we could be disappointed. I can dream big and hope for the best but we both know that the healthy baby is the important part; everything else is fluff.

IYH soon by us.