Appointments, errands, progress

For the first time since May 19, the date of the ultrasound which changed everything, I started really feeling like myself.  I still carry the baggage around but at least I'm starting to see beyond the fog. What attributed to this change? I can't pinpoint an exact moment it happened, but I think it has a lot to do with things going on this week. 

Sunday we did something out of the ordinary for us and went kayaking. It was way out of my comfort zone to plan a bbq and go with a big group and figure out all the details of who's bringing what. I ended having a slight meltdown yelling to my husband about someone on the way, but after that it was such a non-issue and ended up being a lovely day. 

 

I bookended appointments both Tuesday and Wednesday before and after work that it basically became the week of -ists: dermatologist, dentist, therapist, cardiologist.  My friend suggested that maybe I missed having daily doctor's appointments. It does seem like it, right? It's not intentional, honest.

I started Tues morning with an appointment at the dermatologist. They removed a cyst/mole of sorts that I've had for years. It was entirely cosmetic but I haven't wanted to deal with it in the past because stitches would interfere with mikvah, plus the location on my thigh would make it annoying for fertility treatment with docs poking around. I figured now is a good a time as any since those are both currently irrelevant. It was a quick and easy appointment and I got to work early. After work I went to see the infertility therapist. I could write a whole post about that appointment, but I'll summarize it instead. Pros: it was good to talk to someone who knows all the people and terminology. Even though she's not directly related with the clinic, she knows all the doctors and nurses. She's sympathetic and easy to talk to. The office is well organized and convenient. Cons: I didn't really see the point. She's not going to fix anything or change the past. In her assessment she says that I need to give it time. I left feeling ok and scheduled for another appt in a month. I don't immediately see the benefit but I'll see her again on the chance that there may be one. Biggest con is that she doesn't accept insurance.

 

Wednesday was also busy. I started the day getting my permanent crown put in post root canal. Another thing happily crossed off my list. Then I went to a brit/baby naming. This was a friend who got married for the second time and just had her first baby. We were asked to kvatter but turned it down. I stopped accepting for non-family. It's nice to be asked but bittersweet. Anyway, one of the baby's grandparents is a big deal in the community so the place was packed. There were easily 300 people there - it was a big party. Everything was decorated in "baby boy" colors and decor. It was beautiful and I felt overwhelmed but not so much that I had to run out. Or cry. It was encouraging rather than not. I'm not sure I can explain it. After that I went to work and called the dentist because the crown put in earlier needed adjusting. I ran back to the dentist at lunchtime to get it fixed, then grabbed a bagel and headed back to work for a few hours before going to the cardiologist for the stress tests.

 

My office is closed next week and I'm planning out the week so I don't have too much down time to mope. I also have several vacation days I'll lose in Sept if I don't take them so I would really love to take a vacation. My husband has the opposite problem - he's barely got enough vacation days to scrape together a weekend getaway. It's so discouraging to try to plan a trip and keep hitting a brick wall (for time off, expenses, zika-free location) but I've been freshly motivated to try to make it a reality. We're still trying to save a lot of my husband's vacation days for a big trip but right now I'm focusing on getting a breather and a change of scenery, even if it's just a couple of days.

 

Today marks 5 weeks since the d&c. Still waiting for AF to show up. I'm still not sure what to do with the next cycle: IVF 6 or FET 6. Both are good options. Both are intense in different ways. Both have pros and cons. I can also skip a cycle to extend the break and just take more time to think about it, though the idea of delaying indefinitely doesn't sit well either. 

Not ok

This morning I had an appointment to get blood drawn so they can continue to monitor my hcg levels go down. I dreaded having to go back. I didn't want to deal with traffic or the parking lot. I didn't want to sit in the waiting room. I cringed at the thought of the smell of the clinic. It's not an unpleasant smell, it just brings a rush of memories every time.

But, feeling like I need to be a responsible adult, I went. I was 15 min late to my appointment but I didn't care. Whatever. I was only one of two in the waiting room so clearly they weren't swamped. Maybe everyone else got pregnant and moved on.

My second favorite tech J called me back. She can get blood most times. I figured it would be quick in and out so I can get to work on time. As she was getting prepped she asked how I'm doing. I appreciated that she cared to ask. I said I'm doing ok and averted my eyes so she couldn't see they misted over. She tried twice and got nothing. They called over my fav tech T who usually gets it on the first try. She tried twice and struck out. Four sticks in, I joked that maybe we should call over the front desk people to give it a try. Meanwhile I'm thinking this is is someone's idea of a terrible joke and how much I don't want to be here anymore.

They decided to escalate it to a nurse, and agreed among themselves to go get nurse K. It happens to be that nurse L was walking past and they flagged her down. She came over, chipper and chatty, hands on hips jokingly asking if I'm the "trouble maker." We've never met before. I saw on her lapel that her name tag says her title is Donor Nurse Coordinator. Interesting choice, universe. She settled in and started with small talk. Up until this point I felt proud of myself for keeping it together, especially whenever someone new walked up and asked me how I'm doing.

Nurse L then asked conversationally, "So what day stim are you on?" and for some reason that trigger just broke me down. I was heaving with sobs. I was shaking. I couldn't help it. It's been several hours and thinking back on it and typing it out still makes me tear up. She immediately realized her mistake. Between sobs I managed to get out that I had a D&C a few weeks ago. Tech J came rushing over with tissues and started to rub my arm. Nurse L kept saying she's so sorry. I wanted to tell her that it's not her fault but I was having trouble speaking. There's no way she could have known. There's no way I could have warned her that a simple question like that was a trigger for me because even I didn't know.

Trying to calm myself down I kept saying I'm ok so that she could continue to do what she needed to get blood. It took a minute for me to stop shaking enough for her to get the tourniquet on. I think I was trying to convince myself. But I'm not ok. I managed to calm down enough to answer her question: "I was on IVF cycle 5," I said. "I was 8 weeks pregnant when they couldn't find a heartbeat." I felt it was important for her to know why I broke down. I didn't want her to think it was her fault but I also felt it needed justification. I also needed to say it - I can't deny or avoid what happened. She was able to get blood with one stick - 5th time's a charm - on the back of my hand. When she was done she gave me a big hug and said again how sorry she is, almost crying herself. It was actually the first time in that clinic that I've ever felt some kind of emotion from a staff member, so while I'm slightly embarrassed it happened and a little sorry for ruining her morning, at least I left feeling like someone cares.

Last night I was debating if it was really necessary to find a therapist for me to talk through this with. Now I know it's not an issue of if but when. I'm clearly not over it. I may be moving on logically and physically, but I'm carrying around the emotional baggage on my sleeve and I need help moving on.  I gotta get my head back in the game if we want to try again because as things stand now I am not ready at all.  I had no idea it would be this hard to move on. I'm not quite sure what I'm holding on to. I'm hoping that with the start of my next period, essentially the last step of FET 5 and the first step of the next cycle simultaneously, I'll be able to officially close the door on this awful chapter.

Bloodwork results came in and my hcg levels are down to negative. Halleluja.

Therapy

A while back we considered starting therapy. Neither of us has been to therapy before and didn't know anything about the process. I had no idea how to find someone or where to start. It took a lot of effort to find someone that fit all our criteria but we finally did and scheduled the appointment.

We had an initial reaction when we first walked in but tried to reserve judgement. The place was cluttered with knick-knacks and lots of throw pillows. He had socks on but no shoes, possibly because he was overweight and they were swollen? I don't know. Maybe he was going for a homey/comfy feel but to me it felt stuffy, overcrowded, and unprofessional.

All that aside, we wanted to give him a fair shot. Since we had nothing to compare it to, we just assumed this was normal. We sat and talked for an hour. I felt like the therapist spent a lot of time talking. He was pleasant and friendly; he seemed experienced and knowledgeable.

After the first appointment we weren't thrilled but then again didn't really know what to expect. My husband, who is not nearly as judgey as I am, felt like he was an ok therapist and we should give him another chance. I wasn't too keen on starting the search process over so we went back for session two.

At the second session, it was more of the same with him chatting a lot. At one point he was trying to explain something and he asked, "Do you have any kids?" I did not like that question. We clearly explained in the first session that we were there because of infertility and loss - what kind of therapist doesn't take notes and then forgets a key reason why we're there? We got through the session but on the way home we both agreed that it was an egregious error. As daunting as the task was to start the search over I wasn't interested in settling for this guy.

For the second search, I reached out to a community resource who was able to guide me through finding someone. I was given recommendations for 4 therapists that were a better fit. I researched all and picked the one that fit almost all our criteria: he has Sunday/eve hours and he's a specialist in his field. Bonus is that he also texts/emails and he understands Jewish law. The only catch is that he doesn't take our insurance. Paying out of network can get pricey but after we meet our deductible the sessions would be covered at 70%. So we decided to give it a try and the appointment is next week.

Insurance hiccup

Called Freedom to fill my prescription for the upcoming cycle. There's a snaffu with my insurance in that no one can tell me if I have a yearly maximum on fertility medication or a lifetime maximum. It took four calls and waiting on hold for a combined total of 2 hours to get to this point. Until they figure it out they consider no coverage at all. Never a dull moment.

In follow up news, we finally found a therapist and have an appointment scheduled. It was an ordeal to find someone that met our criteria, which wasn't even that picky. Needed to take our insurance, have evening hours, and preferably have one or two good reviews online. I searched online for recommendations but anyone that came recommended didn't take insurance and the rates were beyond what I was willing to pay (i.e., $350 for first session and $200/hr beyond that). Then I searched through the insurance website, but anyone who had a few good reviews wasn't accepting new patients or if they were taking patients had no availability until March.

I expanded my search parameters up to 20 minutes away and just started calling and leaving messages. I finally got someone to pick up the phone. He took our insurance and had an evening appointment within the month - WIN! I scheduled the appointment. In the meantime I got a few calls back so if we don't like this guy we have a few backups.

The meeting with my supervisor regarding my position and expanding my role went well. I have a follow up meeting with my boss in a few weeks.

I just finished my latest show on Netflix, 3%. The show is in Spanish and while I'm not a fan of subtitles I thought the concept was interesting. I'm usually not a fan of shows that don't have more than one season but I made an exception and glad I did. While we're in between shows we're watching reruns of Seinfeld and Nature with fuzzy baby animals.