FET 4: 5dp6dt

Today in a word: miserable.

My back pain is gone. In its place is a monster cold. I caught a cold and it's making me miserable. Stuffed nose, clogged ears, intense sinus pressure, and sore throat. I know I can take Tylenol so I will probably take some so I can sleep. I know that if my husband had this cold I'd tell him to stop being a big baby and that "it's just a cold." But goshdarnit, I can't focus on anything with this leaky mess. At some point during the day my tissues became sandpaper on my nose. I left work an hour early - I just couldn't anymore.

Speaking of work, someone made my Monday extra special by messing up one of my spreadsheets. In trying to sort the sheet by alpha order, this coworker sorted only one column, leaving all the other columns unsorted. This wouldn't be a big deal if the coworker didn't then save the spreadsheet before undoing this error. FFFFFFF. Not only was it a big deal eff-up, but I didn't have access to my backup. I asked IT if they can recover the old version of the spreadsheet. They could, but only from last night so all the work I had done this morning would be lost. We figured it out - basically had to recreate the whole thing. I stayed calm and worked through it. But seriously, if you're not sure how to use Excel, you can ask. At the very least, Google it! And for the love of Oprah, don't save something once you're messed up.

In pupo news, I haven't tested yet. I don't think I fully thought this through because it gets harder, not easier, not to test every day. Every day it's a challenge. By day 5 last cycle I already saw a clear, albeit faint, line. Tomorrow morning will be 6 and I know that if something took it would show up. But I'm really trying not to test. I tested last time and what good did it do? My mood for the day entirely depended on the results and it was a daily roller coaster. In the end what good did it do - nothing. It just raised our hopes so much only to be crushed later. I want to avoid it if possible. If I test tomorrow and it's blank, I'll be devastated but still hopeful that the next day will be different. I'll try to rationalize it and figure out when is too early. I can't do that to myself daily. In another week we will know for sure.

Technically I'm supposed to go in on Tuesday for the beta, but because of the holiday they moved it up a day. They like to limit the number of people who come in on holidays and weekends whenever possible. They scheduled it in a way that if I have to come back two days later for a second beta, it wouldn't be on the holiday itself. Works for me - one less day to wait. 

Thursday Thoughts

I'm feeling UGHGHGHGHGHGH. I don't know what I want.

We went straight from the holiday season into two events at work. Even though I work at a Jewish institution, nearly 90% of the employees are not religious. So while they know all about the holidays and everything they entail, they don't necessarily celebrate. For them, the past few weeks were vacation. Which means that they're ok with planning events on the day we come back.

For me, I'm exhausted. I'm getting over the holiday stress. I'm trying to catch up on work stuff I didn't do at home during the holiday season. I'm trying to catch up on laundry and dishes and getting the house back in order. I have a brain fog I can't shake and it's frustrating me.

We had the event last night and while I didn't mind working the event, I knew I had a million other things to take care of. I'm kind of over busy work. I don't want to deal with dumb minutia of someone else's ideas. I want to implement my own ideas and be excited about the tasks I'm doing because I came up with the path to do them.

It's times like this that I revisit the idea of getting a new job. I've talked about it before, here and again here. I want a new challenge, but I don't know what the challenge is. I want to have an interesting job that I find interesting and I can be proud of telling other people about it. If I think about it honestly, I don't really believe in the methods or agree with a lot of the organizations choices.

I like my direct supervisor who I work with on a regular basis. It's partially because of her that I've stayed as long as I have. My supervisor's boss, who is also technically my boss, is not someone I respect. I don't think I have any more to learn from that person. In fact, there are things I actually don't like that I want to make sure I don't learn, such as not respecting people's time.

I'm back to the age-old conundrum: do I leave and give up a lot of non-salary perks, like having a flexible work environment, many days off, short commute, etc. or do I try to find something more satisfying that has clearer potential for growth? It would help if I knew what it is that I wanted to do, or at least what my passion is. Ten years ago when I was in an entry level job I didn't think I'd be in an entry level job still trying to climb my way up a rung.

It could be I have a complex. I believe I am such a good employee that I should not only be getting promoted regularly, but that people should also be knocking down my door trying to recruit me to their company. I definitely think very highly of myself, rightly or otherwise. At the same time I am reminded of how grateful I am to be employed. On one hand, I have it so good that people are envious of my job and its perks. I am lucky and I recognize it. On the other hand, why should I settle? I could have it even better with a job I like, great perks, and an amazing salary!!! Right? Maybe?

I truly believe that I am able to accomplish anything I set my mind to. The challenge is getting started and figuring out what it is that I want to accomplish. What do I want? Do I want to stay in the same field? What are my priorities? Do I want to make lots of money? Do I want to work from home? Do I want to manage people? Do I want an anonymous cubicle job where everyone just leaves me alone?

I don't want power, but I want autonomy. I want repetitive work I can do while I zone out, but I also want exciting challenges where I get to be creative. I want to have responsibilities but only ones I like. I want a high paying salary. I want excellent health and medical benefits. I want an easy commute or the ability to work remotely. I want the opportunity for growth. I want to work as part of a team with a strong leader I can learn from. I want to manage competent, dedicated people. Am I asking for too much? Does this even exist?

When I was in college I knew exactly what I wanted.  I loved school and knew my exact path moving forward. I finished my degrees with honors.I finished my MBA with so many student loans but I didn't care because I knew I'd get a high-powered job and pay them off in no time. Somewhere along the way I detoured into the non-profit sector and kind of lost my ambition and confidence when we started treatment. 

The water-cooler rumors have it that there will be a major shift in my organization in the next 5 years. The details are vague but what I believe that means is that a lot of the higher ups will be retiring, opening a lot of positions in management. Is that enough to get me to stay? Am I patient enough to wait that long for a change? Will I be happy with whatever the change will be, assuming there's a lot more information that doesn't get trickled down via rumors?

Then there's the whole baby thing. Is it happening? Is it something to plan around? It's the proverbial elephant in the room. I started treatment thinking it will work eventually and so I should be patient because WHEN I get pregnant I'll want the work flexibility. But it's been a year. I've put my career on the back burner for a while now because of something that may happen. At this point I'm not sure it will happen so soon, if at all. I'm not sure I want to put things on hold for it anymore. If it happens, then I'll work it into my schedule, whatever that may be. I don't know that I want to pause life while I wait for my babies. In reality, I think I'm scared that I'll put 100% into having kids and if it doesn't work out, I'll not only end up childless but also in a career going nowhere because I waited too long to make a move.

I'm a believer in living life without regrets. I don't want to look back and say "should've" for anything. I know I will not regret putting everything I have into trying to have a family. I know I won't regret that. I want to make sure I'm making strategic moves for my career as well. I would definitely pursue an opportunity if it landed on my lap. The question is at what point do I go out and start pursuing a new challenge?

I think this transfer could answer a lot of these questions. The outcome may determine a few factors leading down a specific path. If I get pregnant, then the decision is made to stay put and keep the flexible schedule throughout pregnancy and until daycare starts. If it doesn't work, then I'll likely need to do more IVF rounds in the future, which means that I may as well start looking for another job with better health benefits that could cover future cycles. We'll see. Maybe there's secret option #3 I'm not thinking of that will reveal itself later on.

Wednesday Woes

There are a few things causing me stress these days.

We're trying to get a new mattress. The one we have is nearly 12 years old and my husband's back is acting up. It's not like the "we need a second car" conversation. This feels urgent because when your back is tweaked you can't function properly. So we're trying to wade through all the information online. Crowd sourcing online wasn't a big help because we got one recommendation and it was for the most expensive line of mattresses there is. While I don't mind investing the money for something important, I want to make sure it's the right option.

The medication billing error saga continues. Of the original $3600 bill, they approved a 50% reduction but I requested an additional $600 off -- mainly because I don't want to spend all our money on this stupid mistake instead of being able to afford future treatment. Instead, they sent a bill for an additional $600 so now the bill is nearly $2400. I hate having a bill due - it's so against my nature. I also hate seeing "second notice." I would pay it if I had the money, I just don't. I don't want to go into debt for their billing mistake. We're being so careful about not spending above our means and it's stressing me out that they keep making mistakes with our account.

We need a second car.

My cousin is engaged, hooray! We really want to go to the wedding, which is likely going to be at the end of December. We have some points but I don't know if we can afford a trip to Israel. Also, who knows where we'll be with treatment at that point. I've been wanting to visit Israel (last visited there in 2006 and I really miss it) and this is such a great opportunity to see the whole family at one time. It's depressing that we'll likely miss it.

Someone at work is constantly making mistakes that keep affecting me. We deal with sensitive information and if there is a mistake, we need to walk on eggshells to fix it. Wouldn't it make more sense to take the time to do it right the first time instead of spending 3x as long trying to fix an issue? I hate taking the blame for someone else's mistakes, but I also don't want to shift blame if we're a team. It keeps coming up and every time it's more frustrating. One example I can give is a PowerPoint presentation that had a typo in it. A different team member put together the presentation and I saw it for the first time at the meeting. My boss came to me with the mistake, assuming I put together the presentation. What am I going to do - throw a team member under the bus? That doesn't feel right. This seems to be happening every other day and I'm not sure what the correct reaction is. Over the past few weeks there have been several issues that came across my desk and every time it was something I was responsible for, I was able to explain it and show proof and backup for what happened justifying it. If it was something she was responsible for, it was just a mistake. I think they know she sucks and they put her on probation so if I complain about her it might put her job in jeopardy. Work politics are stressful.

I've hit a food rut. I'm trying to be careful about counting calories and instead it seems like I don't have any idea what to cook/eat. We're avoiding takeout food, and nothing I think about making sounds good. We've been living on sandwiches and cereal in the meantime. 

I have a really busy week coming up and I'm tired just thinking about it. On the flip side, I'm grateful to have a job that's keeping me busy and distracted so I don't have to overthink the ERA II cycle. I'm not as annoyed about "wasting" this cycle as I was with the first ERA, maybe because I know it's not a waste anymore.