Weepy

I don't know how else to describe my mood other than weepy. It's a beautiful day -- almost summer-like -- and the house is clean: both things that usually make me so happy. Physically, I feel great since I haven't started any meds yet and the new diet/exercise routine is awesome. So what's my problem?

Beside the regular what-ifs that accompany a new cycle, I'm back to the thought that maybe I should get a new job. I started explaining it in a previous post, Leaning In . It's a new season, the weather is beautiful, and I'm thinking of renewal and change. Maybe I should be looking for another job, thinks I. Then I recycle all the arguments of why not. Then the pro arguments bubble up. There's never a resolution, but here I am thinking about how "everyone else" has their shit together with their fancy titles, their buckets of money, and amazing benefits whilst I keep peeking over to the greener grass.

I know facebook is not an indication of happiness for anyone - it shows only the highlight reel. I know everyone has their issues, even if they're not sharing them with the world. It still doesn't feel good to do a quick newsfeed scroll and see the perfection that is others' highlight reels... new cars and houses, fancy vacations, family outings, new babies.... etc. etc. etc. All normal things.

I'm happy with my job. It could be better, but for the most part I have a very enviable package. What they lack in salary they make up for in benefits. On some level I think that I keep going back to the career conversation because I feel like it's something I can control. The IVF treatment is so unpredictable and at times, especially during the waiting times, I feel so helpless that it's so incredibly out of my control. That's not a great feeling for a control freak.

Even though I have no guarantees, I need to believe that it will work. Otherwise I can't go through it over and over. I'm about to start injections again tonight for cycle #4 and I'm still confused why the other cycles weren't more successful. There's an element of control and there's an element of needing some good luck. We seemed to have hit a bump of some crappy luck the last two cycles.

I'm hoping and praying that we're successful and lucky this time around. I will do everything possible on my end... the rest is up to Him.