Separate

As I get older I find it harder to make friends. I never had an easy time making connections, but in school there was a natural common denominator and everyone was about the same age. I made a few close friends over the years and really tried to hold on. Relationships take effort and as friends had kids their lives naturally got more busy in a different direction and get-togethers became less common.

It's at the point now that I find myself with maybe one or two relationships that I'm trying to hold on to. A few years ago, taking notice of our dwindling circle of friends, we made a concious effort to make new friends. Easier said than done, especially for two anti-social introverts such as ourselves. I used to be much more outgoing and friendly, but life has changed me a bit and I find that I now abhor small talk.

During our Chicago trip a few weeks back, I had an epiphany I shared with my husband. Sitting in a coffee shop and hearing the conversation from the people in the table next to us conversing loudly about something going on at work, I realized that I hate small talk because it's so mundane and pointless but I love having deep, meaningful conversations. Unfortunately, you have to get through the small talk to meet new people and get to the real stuff. Maybe that's why I've taken to the blogosphere so easily? People are sharing their most intimate thoughts -- hopes, struggles, dreams. Sure, there's the occasional joke or vent but for the most part it doesn't feel like forced small talk.

When I found out a good friend was having a birthday party for her kids, I understood why we weren't invited but it didn't help me feel better about being left out. She invited over 50 people including kids and adults. We probably wouldn't have gone anyway, even though it would have been easy to blend in, but it would have been nice to be asked and given the option.

We're having a hard time fitting in at shul, too. Everywhere I look around there are kids and babies. It's a quick and easy way for people to connect as an unending source of conversation for even the most socially awkward person. For me, I try to step out of my comfort zone and talk to people but at first sight of it being awkward my mind goes into panic mode of, "Abort! Abort!" In the months we've been members at our shul, we haven't gotten a single invitation for a shabbat meal. We've extended invitations to a few different families. Either we were turned down (all legit reasons: out of town that week, family visiting, etc.) or they came and never reciprocated. Maybe it's us. There has been a slew of births recently and while I get sent an email about a meal train for the family, we don't get invited/notified to the bris. I tried volunteering for the recent mishloach manot project by the shul, but was told they're good with volunteers and didn't need more. There may be a whole bunch of legitimate reasons to explain all these away, but it seems like everyone is too involved with their own lives to extend a token of friendship.

It's hard enough to make friends myself, let alone finding a couple we both like but I'm doing my best to stretch out of my comfort zone to make an effort to make new friends. How do people make new friends? How do I do it without seeming creepy or desperate?

We're happy being together or with family. We don't need a lot of excitement to be content. It just feels a little lonely sometimes, especially when I feel purposely left out.