Monday, July 22, 2019

Movement

It was around week 21 that I started feeling movement. That's when things started to feel real.

I remember one Friday afternoon around week 23, I was feeling sick and lightheaded but had so much to do and kept pushing myself. At one point I had to catch myself and take a minute to sit before letting something bad happen like pass out. It was warm and I was sweating and in a bad mood. My husband and I were arguing about something or another. It was a heated argument and as voices were raised and important points exchanged loudly, there was more and more kicking from baby. The angrier and louder I got, the more movement.

At one point I remember being frustrated at the kicking. If you kick me I'll kick you! I distinctly remember thinking that. I remember feeling annoyed that my body wasn't my own for the time being. As I calmed down so did the kicks and everyone settled down. When I was thinking clearly again I was not only embarrassed by those thoughts but I deeply regretted them. How could I take for granted something so special, something I've waited for for so long? How could I get annoyed at kicks?

Fast forward to today, nearly at the third trimester, and I was feeling less kicks than normal. I called my doctor's office to find out what's normal and instead of a reassuring answer they sent me to L&D to get checked out. Freaking out? Terrified? Assume the worst? Of course. All that and more. It was a harrowing 20 min from the time I got off the phone to when I was checking in. Thankfully they were able to find the heart beat quickly and tracked movement on the monitor even though I wasn't feeling it myself. They kept me on the monitor for nearly an hour while they checked off all the boxes they needed and I wasted time online.

Today's visit reminded me of that feeling of shame I had back at the early stages during that argument when I was frustrated at the intrusion. Not only do I now welcome the kicks but I also wait for and look out for them as tiny reassurances in a world of unknowns. Each step is a fleeting blessing and I can't take any piece of it for granted.

2 comments:

  1. ALWAYS BETTER TO CHECK IT OUT!!!! The worry otherwise is not good for either of you. Glad all was well.
    The baby's reaction to the disagreement with your husband was a minor precursor of what will always be post birth. Children are super reactive to your emotions. Keep paying attention.
    Never put yourself down for responding to what you notice about your body or your baby's body/behaviors. Believe in you.
    Hugs and good wishes

    ReplyDelete
  2. Delighted to hear you are almost at the third trimester now!

    ReplyDelete

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