Movement

It was around week 21 that I started feeling movement. That's when things started to feel real.

I remember one Friday afternoon around week 23, I was feeling sick and lightheaded but had so much to do and kept pushing myself. At one point I had to catch myself and take a minute to sit before letting something bad happen like pass out. It was warm and I was sweating and in a bad mood. My husband and I were arguing about something or another. It was a heated argument and as voices were raised and important points exchanged loudly, there was more and more kicking from baby. The angrier and louder I got, the more movement.

At one point I remember being frustrated at the kicking. If you kick me I'll kick you! I distinctly remember thinking that. I remember feeling annoyed that my body wasn't my own for the time being. As I calmed down so did the kicks and everyone settled down. When I was thinking clearly again I was not only embarrassed by those thoughts but I deeply regretted them. How could I take for granted something so special, something I've waited for for so long? How could I get annoyed at kicks?

Fast forward to today, nearly at the third trimester, and I was feeling less kicks than normal. I called my doctor's office to find out what's normal and instead of a reassuring answer they sent me to L&D to get checked out. Freaking out? Terrified? Assume the worst? Of course. All that and more. It was a harrowing 20 min from the time I got off the phone to when I was checking in. Thankfully they were able to find the heart beat quickly and tracked movement on the monitor even though I wasn't feeling it myself. They kept me on the monitor for nearly an hour while they checked off all the boxes they needed and I wasted time online.

Today's visit reminded me of that feeling of shame I had back at the early stages during that argument when I was frustrated at the intrusion. Not only do I now welcome the kicks but I also wait for and look out for them as tiny reassurances in a world of unknowns. Each step is a fleeting blessing and I can't take any piece of it for granted.