I did something bad. Really, really bad.
I poas.
I took a home pregnancy test on day 2 post transfer.
What was I thinking? I knew with absolute certainty that it was too early. I knew that it would be negative. I knew it would depress me.
And yet..... maybe......... maybe?.........
No.
Not maybe. Not even a little bit. Completely stark white. One hundred percent negative.
Of course it was. What was I expecting? I knew that it was too early. Only rare exceptions and liars start seeing something that early (as I found on Google).
I tried making myself feel better that it wasn't fmu and that it was too early and that there's still a chance. But the damage was already done. There's a crack in the hope and the negativity is seeping in. I turned to my husband for reassurance. He was so sad. Then he realized oh wait it's super early. Stop taking tests. Please don't poas again. I realize the failure hits him hard too and he may also want that bubble of hope until beta. That I was shattering it for him too when I decide to test early.
I made it worse.
I needed reassurance, something, anything, to tell me there's still a chance.
First thing in the morning on 3dp6dt I poas again. Again I knew the answer before I even dipped. Again I knew it wouldn't be good. Again I knew it would just make things worse when I didn't see any kind of reassurance, because it was just too early. But I did it anyway. I couldn't help it. I remembered from FET 3 back when I was doing pee sticks that I started seeing something on day 3 and was hoping this would be the same.
But... again... nothing. Not even a shadow of a something. Not even a hint. Not even after two hours.
There were no tears. Just sadness. I've resigned to the fact that this may not work.
There's no reason to poas. There's nothing it can guarantee. Even if it's positive it can't tell me that it's going to last past a chemical pregnancy. If it's negative it could be because it's too early or because the hcg just hasn't accumulated yet. Back at FET 3 I started seeing a line on 3dpt and rejoiced at the line getting darker every day... until it wasn't. Some time around day 10 the line was still there but it wasn't getting darker. In fact it was getting slightly lighter. What was going on? My beta came back in the 60s and a second blood test a few days later confirmed the chemical pregnancy was over. So what did I gain? Happiness for a split second in time? So much happiness to just be shattered to pieces days later?
I don't gain anything from finding out early. My need to know is second to my need for sanity. Logically I know I need to stop testing. I've used up most of my will in the past two cycles. I'm tired and I'm burned out and it's really hard to resist the temptation.
You know what helps? Discovering my pee sticks are expired. Whether or not that makes a difference doesn't matter because I've convinced myself that they're bad. They expire 2/2018 so they're technically still ok maybe? But I'd rather believe not so that I can use it to prevent testing and any unnecessary meltdowns.
Maybe I'll test morning of beta - that way there won't be too long a delay in finding out real results. See? There I go again with the impatience.
The only thing that will give us an answer is time. I need to know the answer so I can manage my expectations, but any answer I get today will be inaccurate.
How is it still only Monday? I haven't thought about it in almost thirty minutes.
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