FET 6: The Series

Over the course of six weeks I wrote a total of sixteen posts dated 2/2 - 3/13 about our sixth frozen embryo transfer. Before starting the cycle, my husband and I decided we'd keep the news of this one to ourselves. We each kept our word and didn't tell anyone about the transfer or results. Unfortunately, the only time our family and friends found out about it was when we shared the news of the miscarriage.

For the brief shiny moment in time when all was going well we had a happy secret among ourselves. It didn't last long. It's that euphoria of "maybe it worked" that has fueled hope for another try.

The posts were difficult for me to read through. I still can't read through the last one; it's too raw and too soon. I'm posting them because I want to have the good parts of those weeks saved. I want to be able to reference numbers and symptoms in the future. I want to be able to look back and remember what it was like before it all went to hell. I'm also posting because it's part of my life and even though it's traumatic, it happened and I can't change that. So I embrace it.

But I don't want to harp on it. I'm posting them all in a chunk. I'm sharing the experience as it happened, in chronological order, and scheduled the posts to release with a little time in between each one. For me it's time to remember and grieve and mourn and be sad. But after that it will be time to move on. It will be time to look at the future and start fresh. It will be part of us but behind us.

My heart is heavy. This baggage will always be a part of our history and this one is definitely one for the books. By writing it down and letting it out, it gives me the option of storing the baggage in a safe space instead of carrying it around. I'm not trying to forget it; writing it is almost like permission to temporarily walk away from it so that, without the burden of past failures weighing me down, I can hope again, try again, and maybe succeed.