Not ok

I told family and friends our news. Everyone is so sad. I can't help but feel like I'm letting everyone down with this news. I can't help but feel like I'm fatiguing my support network. They've obviously not said anything of the sort, but it feels like a burden to keep saddling them with this sucky news.

I fell asleep last night at 8:00 pm. I was exhausted from the drama and drained from all the blood loss. I woke up while it was still dark and had too much time to think. It was followed by too many tears. I didn't take any time off work because I wanted a distraction from the continuous loop replaying the horrors of the event. I went to work yesterday. I went again today. When it got overwhelming and I couldn't hold back the tears anymore I went home at lunch for cry breaks.

I haven't really eaten in two days. Today it was coffee in the morning, tangerine at some point during the day, then leftovers for dinner.

I'm so, so sad. Not only because of the loss, but also because of the fear. The anxiety that this will never end. The worry that we may not get to have a family. The panic that we may spend years of our life trying for something that's not in the cards for us to have.

First day of spring is on Tuesday. It holds no specific symbolism for me, but it's a good a day as any to turn a new leaf. I've decided to let myself wallow and be miserable until then. If I enjoyed alcohol, I'd be so sloshed right now. But I don't and nothing helps numb the heartache. Pesach is around the corner and as much as I don't want to think about it, it's still happening and I need to snap out of zombie-hood. But not yet. For now, I wallow and let the pain flow through.