Blue

Bleeding has finally slowed down. I may even get a clean bedika to get to the mikvah at some point. It's bad enough to go through a miscarriage, but there's a whole slew of background things that happen at the same time, like becoming nidah and having the physical comfort aspect gone when you need it most. It's part of the package and not one I fully agree with but picking and choosing when it comes to religion is a whole other can of worms. It's just a really sucky side effect of every loss.

I haven't been drinking enough for the amount of blood loss I've been going through. It wasn't until I assessed my symptoms (low grade headache, inability to focus, extreme fatigue) that this occurred to me. I think I was subconsciously trying to avoid having to go to the bathroom.

I'm behind at work. I've barely done anything all last week. I'm distracted and it's starting to show in my performance.

This morning I woke up not in the mood for the long list of things I need to get ready for the holiday. It's such a shame because it's one of my favorites. I don't mind the prep and organization that goes into it - I'm a List Master and a pro at errands and organization. I'm just not in the mood with my thoughts dragging me down. Things that should have been done already but I just couldn't get out of bed most evenings the past week. Around noon I was able to peel myself out of bed and be productive for a few hours. Along with my husband we got a nice start on the preps.

We're not having sleepover guests this year. It was a decision made while I was still pregnant and we wanted to make sure I didn't overdo it with company.  Now that the pregnancy is over the lack of guests just seems like a depressing reminder of what was supposed to be. It's just as well because I can't get my act together enough to prepare the holiday for ourselves, let alone more people.

We're keeping it really simple this year but even so there's still a lot to do. We're home some, out some. Being out for yom tov meals is one less meal I need to prepare but on the other hand it has the anxiety of being around people. I don't know what's better or worse. I don't want to be alone and I don't want to be around people. I think the answer is small bursts of company. It will take time to feel like I can handle society again.

My heart hurts.