FET 6: 5w2d (3/13/18)

This post was originally written on the date in the subject line. All posts for FET 6 were saved as drafts and posted together as a series on one day. Read more here. 

**Warning: Graphic, sad post ahead.**

I got home from work early and took a bowl of cereal to my room to watch tv and procrastinate making dinner. I finished my cereal and decided to make fish for dinner. I wanted to pop it in the oven so that it would be ready when my husband got home.

As I got up to go to the kitchen I felt what I can only describe as a gush. I knew immediately. I ran to the bathroom, lifted my skirt, and saw blood down my legs. I ran to the toilet and a clot came out. I freaked out but was surprisingly calm. I wiped, ran to get my phone, and went back to the toilet. My hands were shaking but my voice was even when I called the emergency line. I was told someone would call within 15 min.

I texted my husband letting him know and waited in the bathroom for the nurse to call. The call came within minutes. She asked for details: color, frequency, cramping. I told her it was bright red; it was just the gush followed by some small clots, that it seemed to be slowing; no cramping. She said to take it easy, not lift anything, stay hydrated, and to come in in the morning to get a third blood test. She said it's not necessarily the end and it does happen sometimes. She ended by saying that I should put a pad on to monitor how much blood comes out, and if bleeding soaks a pad in an hour to head to the hospital. I thanked her and hung up to let the sobs out.

Not more than five min later I get another call and recognized the number from my clinic. My nurse got the alert on her way out the door and wanted to check in. She tried to reassure me, saying people call in w bleeding all the time, that it can be normal to bleed and pass clots. I thanked her for calling - I cried on the phone to her and it was reassuring to hear it might still be ok, even if I didn't believe a word of it.

I went to get a pad and grabbed water to keep near me while I hung out in bed. My husband came home. I cried. Then I started shivering. I couldn't control it. He got in bed w me to comfort and keep me warm but the shivering continued. I was crying on and off, we tried to talk abt mundane things. I was wearing layers, three blankets, had a space heater pointed right at me, and the heating pad near my feet. I was still shivering.

I worried the shivering was going to cause more cramping and damage. I decided I need a shower to warm up. As I got out of bed I felt another gush. I ran to the toilet and more blood came out. I started the shower and got in to wash all the dried and fresh blood. I couldn't stop crying. Heaving sobs. My husband came to the bathroom to be nearby (for support? Maybe he was worried I'd fall?) As he poked his head in to check if he could do anything, a massive clot fell out. It was half a fist size. We both recoiled in horror and shock. I had the presence of mind, through sobs, to grab it off the shower floor and throw it in the toilet before it clogged anything. It was just instinct. I didn't know what to do with it. For a split second while it was in my hand there was the thought "should I keep it so I can give it to them for testing" and before the thought was fully formulated I had already gotten rid of it. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop saying "what a nightmare." I kept saying, "No, no, no!" I couldn't stop thinking that our chance is gone. I kept apologizing.

I realized I was washing all the blood away. And I was still shivering so the hot water wasn't helping. I wasn't monitoring the output. If I was bleeding more than a pad I need to go in but I was washing it all away. I got out shivering. Got dressed shivering. Got back in bed shivering. My husband brought me tea.

So I'm in bed. I've drank 2 bottles of water so far and it scares me to go to the bathroom. I've peed twice and it seems that bleeding has slowed, but every once in a while another clot falls out. While I was shivering I was having mild cramping. I'm sure the pregnancy is over. Doing tonight's shots was depressing. Preparing them. Taking it in the butt once again. I was numb. I don't think it matters because I think the preg is over.

I moved the heating pad to around my neck and the chills have subsided. So have the cramps. Now I just have a super full bladder bc I'm scared to go to the bathroom. Every time I go there's not much on the pad or tp but always clots and blood in the toilet. I'm googling. Apparently others have had something called a hematoma and have gone on to have healthy babies.

I'm not so interested in having false hope. Whatever it is, it is. I never quite believed this was it. I never really embraced that this could be it. I kept waiting for the bad news. With our history, how could I not. I wonder if that attitude will matter if it comes down to having to accept the end. I couldn't have imagined it would be this horrifying.

I'm grateful I was home when it happened. I'm grateful I was close enough to the bathroom to minimize the mess. I'm grateful it was the end of the work day and that my husband was already on his way and home shortly after it happened. I'm so grateful for my husband. As I was sobbing the only thing I could say to him was, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I couldn't help but feel like a failure. I've let us down once again. He kept saying don't apologize, you don't have to apologize. So I just kept crying.

It's a lot more blood than I've had in my past miscarriages. Even the chemical pregnancies that passed a few days after stopping all meds weren't this heavy. The wegmans incident was only one small clot followed by some brown smudges the next few days.

Now we wait for morning to get bloodwork. What will it tell me? If it's at 5400 or more then apparently the preg is still on track? Anything less means it spontaneously aborted itself. And we're back to sq1 with no answers and nothing to show for 3 years of trying including 7 IVFs and 6 FETs.

Only thing to do is wait.