Mind blown

When we first got married over a decade ago, we knew we would need to do IVF to have healthy children. Even before we got engaged, we agreed together to screen out a particular devastating mutation rather than passing it on to future generations. Part of what helps me cope with each cycle is knowing that it's partly by choice. I didn't know it would take this many cycles.

I always knew that I wouldn't want to be put in a position to have to decide to purposely terminate a pregnancy, even if it was allowed according to Jewish law guidelines. It wasn't until six years into our marriage that we even thought about starting a family. We were just happy being a young married couple. We only started fertility treatment three years ago. Seven IVFs and four miscarriages later, we're still no closer and I'm no longer in my late 20s.

Fast forward to present date, our new RE recommended a urologist that specializes in male infertility. We scheduled the appointment with a "what's he going to tell us already" attitude but wanting to cover all bases. Our original appointment was scheduled for May 1 but, me being anxious and wanting to get answers, I called daily until they had a cancellation. We went in this afternoon.

The doctor talked to us for about 10 minutes, getting our history, and then did a physical exam. In three minutes he discovered an issue. A varicocele is an enlargement of the veins around the testicles. In short, it means that the circulation around the testicles housing the sperm cooling system is malfunctioned. The sperm gets overheated and degrades before even getting out. So even though all tests at the first clinic came out normal regarding motility, volume, etc., there's something wrong with the DNA fragments from the overcooked sperm. He mentioned that it's a common issue and is correctable. Men who come in with infertility problems that get this done see a 40% increase in pregnancy rates, according to this doc.

My mind is completely blown. Never in a million years did I expect them to actually find an infertility issue. Not only an issue, but it's also one that isn't fixed by bypassing the traditional methods of getting pregnant with IVF and PGD. Apparently there's something wrong with the sperm DNA which makes the embryos not viable, even though they're testing normal with the PGD. It can also explain the low rates of fertilization to blasts ratio although he didn't say that directly.

I have so many feelings about this! I'm shocked that they found something. I'm surprised that it wasn't caught before. I'm frustrated at all the procedures we did leading to this appointment that could have taken place two years ago. I suppose I'm happy it's a fixable problem. I'm upset that we didn't know enough to ask. I'm angry that my old RE dismissed us so many times and that I believed him when he said, "Just keep transferring." So many shots. So many appointments. So many retrievals. So many tears.

On one hand I'm skeptical about this urologist having found something so quick - are you serious? Was it just that simple? Did we really go through seven IVFs before discovering this? Is he just saying surgery is needed because he wants to pad his billables? On the other hand, I trust my new RE who recommended him, so I guess we have to take his word for it. It may not even be the silver bullet we're looking for but knowing what we know now we can't not go through with it.

It's a 1 hour outpatient procedure with a limited recovery window. Discomfort expected for up to 3 days and sore for about two weeks. No IVF until 72 days after procedure to give time for the new sperm to generate.

I'm still processing all this.

Embryo records

I emailed my old RE for embryo reports and he sent back an obnoxious reply which upset me. If I wasn't already seeing another doctor it would have upset me even more.

When I asked for my file in the summer in prep for our second opinion, I got a copy for myself and went through it - all 450+ pages. One thing that wasn't included was egg or sperm quality and embryo grades. In fact no information was included at all about our embryos. I sent my RE an email requesting more information, explaining that I'd like to understand more about our recurrent losses and was specifically looking for the embryo reports. He sent back a lengthy response, unusual for him, which basically dismissed the idea that the embryo reports would give me the answers I'm looking for.

For one, he likes to blame stats. He claims that on average 30% of fertilized embryos make it to blast. I wanted to know why my numbers were so much lower, closer to 10% in some cycles (i.e., going from 18 fertilized to 2 blasts?).  I'm not asking him about the ones that get lopped off from the genetic testing; we know there will be attrition due to what we're screening out. I'm talking about the ones that haven't even gotten to that point. His answer was that there may be factors with the egg or sperm or uterus but that they've tested "for everything." Seeing our new doctor I just know for a fact that that's simply not true. It's frustrating to hear that from his perspective this might be the end of the line. If we were less motivated we might have even believed it.

Beside that, he suggested my weight could be blamed for the failure of our cycles. It's such bullshit because if my weight was actually an issue they wouldn't have done any treatment on me. The clinic has strict BMI guidelines and doesn't proceed unless you're well below them. They pull the plug at baseline if you're near the limit with no cushion. I was below for all procedures and treatments. So if they did treatment on me, it means it wasn't a factor. Not only that, but it also means they've done treatment on other women with my BMI and if it was such an issue they would have modified the guidelines instead of continuing to use the current limits. It's also bullshit because the new clinic also has BMI guidelines and I'm nearly 40 lbs away from that limit. People much heavier than me get pregnant and carry healthy pregnancies to term all the time. I'm not saying it can't help to lose weight and I'm not saying we know for sure it's not a factor; I am saying that his excuse is super lame and the way it was presented felt dismissive and callous.

He literally suggested I ask for copies of my record and go elsewhere for another opinion. Translation: we're giving up on you because you're ruining our stats. This is a world class clinic and this is the advice they're handing out.

I didn't vent any of my frustration via email. I know everything gets recorded in my permanent file, including email communications. I don't know how long this journey will be and how many future doctors will see my records. I kept it civil and stayed on point: I want my embryo records. He responded that it's included in my medical record. Since I read it and I know that's not true, I persisted. Long story short, my nurse is on it and I will plan to pick up copies when I go back to check hcg later this week.

I'm focused on the bigger picture. I don't have to prove anything to him. I need to move on from spending another second of energy on him and focus on building my family. He can't help me so he's just out of the picture. Done. Out. Gone.

Blue

Bleeding has finally slowed down. I may even get a clean bedika to get to the mikvah at some point. It's bad enough to go through a miscarriage, but there's a whole slew of background things that happen at the same time, like becoming nidah and having the physical comfort aspect gone when you need it most. It's part of the package and not one I fully agree with but picking and choosing when it comes to religion is a whole other can of worms. It's just a really sucky side effect of every loss.

I haven't been drinking enough for the amount of blood loss I've been going through. It wasn't until I assessed my symptoms (low grade headache, inability to focus, extreme fatigue) that this occurred to me. I think I was subconsciously trying to avoid having to go to the bathroom.

I'm behind at work. I've barely done anything all last week. I'm distracted and it's starting to show in my performance.

This morning I woke up not in the mood for the long list of things I need to get ready for the holiday. It's such a shame because it's one of my favorites. I don't mind the prep and organization that goes into it - I'm a List Master and a pro at errands and organization. I'm just not in the mood with my thoughts dragging me down. Things that should have been done already but I just couldn't get out of bed most evenings the past week. Around noon I was able to peel myself out of bed and be productive for a few hours. Along with my husband we got a nice start on the preps.

We're not having sleepover guests this year. It was a decision made while I was still pregnant and we wanted to make sure I didn't overdo it with company.  Now that the pregnancy is over the lack of guests just seems like a depressing reminder of what was supposed to be. It's just as well because I can't get my act together enough to prepare the holiday for ourselves, let alone more people.

We're keeping it really simple this year but even so there's still a lot to do. We're home some, out some. Being out for yom tov meals is one less meal I need to prepare but on the other hand it has the anxiety of being around people. I don't know what's better or worse. I don't want to be alone and I don't want to be around people. I think the answer is small bursts of company. It will take time to feel like I can handle society again.

My heart hurts.

What's next

So here's where things stand. My miscarriage started on Tuesday evening. I was bleeding heavily for about 24 hours and it slowed down over the weekend. By the time I went to get my hcg rechecked on Monday, I hadn't been on PIO for five days and the bleeding restarted heavily again getting rid of all that fluffy lining that was prepped for the pregnancy. My hcg measured 57. I started having really uncomfortable cramps in addition to the heavy flow. I tried tylenol but it did nothing. I had a hard time walking and even sitting at my desk was a challenge. Ibuprofen helped. It was really bad for two days before it started getting better. I think it's slowing down but it's still bright red with clots. I now understand that my period won't come for at least 4 weeks after my hcg is measured in the negative numbers. So it's going to be a while before we start anything again.

So.... what's next.

We met with our new doctor today. It was an ordeal getting there, thanks to the latest nor'easter.  I wasn't cancelling. If the doc was in we were going to make it. It was scary at parts because the snow was heavy and slushy, making the drive awful, but we got there and home with little incident, thanks to their office calling and offering an earlier appointment that opened so we got in and out before the streets became impassable.

Besides for waiting for my period, we have a long To Do list before we start another IVF:

• Start vitamins. She suggested fish oil for both of us. In addition, vitamin D3 and something else specific for me to improve egg quality (nothing shows we're getting poor quality eggs, but because it's going to be a while before we start anyway it can't hurt). 
• Schedule husband for testing by a urologist specializing in male infertility. He was tested for the regular stuff back when we first started and it all came back normal but she wants something specialized besides for the standard stuff. It's the first time a test was suggested for him instead of me; we're pro. We're on the calendar for first available appointment: May. 
• See a specialist for recurrent early loss. We're on the calendar for first available appointment: October. 
• Send records of pap spear and breast exam. Regular stuff they want to make sure I'm not ignoring. 
• See if I can get embryo reports from my old clinic. Nothing was mentioned in my medical file, which I think is weird. I emailed my old doc for info. 
• Infectious disease bloodwork needs to be repeated every six months. 
• Besides for the medical stuff, I need to get authorized by insurance which needs a period start date to verify, and I need to register with my insurance fertility hotline. 

Some of this is because we're switching clinics and we're starting everything from scratch. It's an ordeal and part of the reason we hesitated switching as long as we did. But we're at the point where all in.

I can't imagine we'll get to an IVF before summer. I guess I'm ok with that because I don't want to keep cranking them out with no results. We left today's appointment feeling drained and hopeful at the same time. There are new things to test; there are new things to try; there are specialists we can see and ask questions and possibly get to the bottom of why our transfers keep failing. At the same time it's so frustrating that these ideas weren't brought up before. Maybe it's because this new doctor knows that the traditional stuff doesn't work so she has the benefit of skipping it all and going to worst case scenario. But I can't help feeling angry at our old doc for just phoning it in and not caring enough about our losses to think of ideas of things to try. Whether or not it's true, it felt like he couldn't give less of a shit about whether we succeeded or not. While I had my reasons for not switching earlier, I'm upset that we spent as much time as we did under his care. If we'd succeeded it wouldn't have mattered that he wasn't a good fit for us. But we didn't and he lost a client. 

Emotionally I guess I'm doing ok. I used the snow day to start cleaning for pesach. It's going to take a while before I feel like myself again. For one I need to stop bleeding so that I don't get a reminder of what happened every time I go to the bathroom. At least the crying has stopped. I get misty when I talk about what happened but for the most part I can keep my composure for a full 12+ hours at a time. New personal record since it happened. It's been really rough but we're getting through it one day at a time. Sometimes it's one hour at a time. When it was really bad we were checking in on each other every few minutes. Time still passes. Life goes on around us and when we're up to it we join in. I'm trying not to fall into a depression. I know it's not entirely up to me but I'm holding on to whatever control I have over it.

I know we'll carry this one for a while. Every time we transfer the results are a little better than the last time but then the loss is so much worse than the time before. It's so difficult to pick up and dust off and start again every time. It's difficult but not impossible. I have to stop comparing myself to other people my age and see what they have. I have to stop thinking of the what if's if we had made different choices. I have to stop thinking about the losses that didn't make it and what would have been if they had. The past is the past. I can't change it. I can only make choices and decisions on things that haven't yet happened: that's what I need to focus on. One day at a time, one minute at a time if I have to, as long as we're moving forward and not stuck in the past.

Thank you for the emails, fb msgs, and texts. It means so much to know that we're not alone in our sadness and pain. Whatever messages were sent were greatly appreciated. Every time we shared the story with someone else it felt like another set of shoulders carrying the burden with us. 

FET 6: 5w2d (3/13/18)

This post was originally written on the date in the subject line. All posts for FET 6 were saved as drafts and posted together as a series on one day. Read more here. 

**Warning: Graphic, sad post ahead.**

I got home from work early and took a bowl of cereal to my room to watch tv and procrastinate making dinner. I finished my cereal and decided to make fish for dinner. I wanted to pop it in the oven so that it would be ready when my husband got home.

As I got up to go to the kitchen I felt what I can only describe as a gush. I knew immediately. I ran to the bathroom, lifted my skirt, and saw blood down my legs. I ran to the toilet and a clot came out. I freaked out but was surprisingly calm. I wiped, ran to get my phone, and went back to the toilet. My hands were shaking but my voice was even when I called the emergency line. I was told someone would call within 15 min.

I texted my husband letting him know and waited in the bathroom for the nurse to call. The call came within minutes. She asked for details: color, frequency, cramping. I told her it was bright red; it was just the gush followed by some small clots, that it seemed to be slowing; no cramping. She said to take it easy, not lift anything, stay hydrated, and to come in in the morning to get a third blood test. She said it's not necessarily the end and it does happen sometimes. She ended by saying that I should put a pad on to monitor how much blood comes out, and if bleeding soaks a pad in an hour to head to the hospital. I thanked her and hung up to let the sobs out.

Not more than five min later I get another call and recognized the number from my clinic. My nurse got the alert on her way out the door and wanted to check in. She tried to reassure me, saying people call in w bleeding all the time, that it can be normal to bleed and pass clots. I thanked her for calling - I cried on the phone to her and it was reassuring to hear it might still be ok, even if I didn't believe a word of it.

I went to get a pad and grabbed water to keep near me while I hung out in bed. My husband came home. I cried. Then I started shivering. I couldn't control it. He got in bed w me to comfort and keep me warm but the shivering continued. I was crying on and off, we tried to talk abt mundane things. I was wearing layers, three blankets, had a space heater pointed right at me, and the heating pad near my feet. I was still shivering.

I worried the shivering was going to cause more cramping and damage. I decided I need a shower to warm up. As I got out of bed I felt another gush. I ran to the toilet and more blood came out. I started the shower and got in to wash all the dried and fresh blood. I couldn't stop crying. Heaving sobs. My husband came to the bathroom to be nearby (for support? Maybe he was worried I'd fall?) As he poked his head in to check if he could do anything, a massive clot fell out. It was half a fist size. We both recoiled in horror and shock. I had the presence of mind, through sobs, to grab it off the shower floor and throw it in the toilet before it clogged anything. It was just instinct. I didn't know what to do with it. For a split second while it was in my hand there was the thought "should I keep it so I can give it to them for testing" and before the thought was fully formulated I had already gotten rid of it. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop saying "what a nightmare." I kept saying, "No, no, no!" I couldn't stop thinking that our chance is gone. I kept apologizing.

I realized I was washing all the blood away. And I was still shivering so the hot water wasn't helping. I wasn't monitoring the output. If I was bleeding more than a pad I need to go in but I was washing it all away. I got out shivering. Got dressed shivering. Got back in bed shivering. My husband brought me tea.

So I'm in bed. I've drank 2 bottles of water so far and it scares me to go to the bathroom. I've peed twice and it seems that bleeding has slowed, but every once in a while another clot falls out. While I was shivering I was having mild cramping. I'm sure the pregnancy is over. Doing tonight's shots was depressing. Preparing them. Taking it in the butt once again. I was numb. I don't think it matters because I think the preg is over.

I moved the heating pad to around my neck and the chills have subsided. So have the cramps. Now I just have a super full bladder bc I'm scared to go to the bathroom. Every time I go there's not much on the pad or tp but always clots and blood in the toilet. I'm googling. Apparently others have had something called a hematoma and have gone on to have healthy babies.

I'm not so interested in having false hope. Whatever it is, it is. I never quite believed this was it. I never really embraced that this could be it. I kept waiting for the bad news. With our history, how could I not. I wonder if that attitude will matter if it comes down to having to accept the end. I couldn't have imagined it would be this horrifying.

I'm grateful I was home when it happened. I'm grateful I was close enough to the bathroom to minimize the mess. I'm grateful it was the end of the work day and that my husband was already on his way and home shortly after it happened. I'm so grateful for my husband. As I was sobbing the only thing I could say to him was, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I couldn't help but feel like a failure. I've let us down once again. He kept saying don't apologize, you don't have to apologize. So I just kept crying.

It's a lot more blood than I've had in my past miscarriages. Even the chemical pregnancies that passed a few days after stopping all meds weren't this heavy. The wegmans incident was only one small clot followed by some brown smudges the next few days.

Now we wait for morning to get bloodwork. What will it tell me? If it's at 5400 or more then apparently the preg is still on track? Anything less means it spontaneously aborted itself. And we're back to sq1 with no answers and nothing to show for 3 years of trying including 7 IVFs and 6 FETs.

Only thing to do is wait.

FET 6: Beta #2 (3/12/18)

This post was originally written on the date in the subject line. All posts for FET 6 were saved as drafts and posted together as a series on one day. Read more here. 

Today is 5w1d aka 17dp6dt.

I went in for bloodwork this morning and they got it on the first stick - yay! I waited anxiously for results which came shortly before noon: beta came back at 2738. Wow, right? It's within the normal doubling range considering the first beta was 686 four days ago. I'll be honest and say that I was a tiny bit disappointed that the number didn't blow the doubling out the water. It was literally quadrupled from Thursday, minus six points. Was something wrong? Why is it a few points off from true doubling? I googled it and it seemed to be normal and fine.

So what's next? Ultrasound. They like doing an u/s when beta gets above 2,000 and/or around 6 weeks. So, assuming all continues well, six weeks for me is Sunday the 18th and the earliest we can do the u/s is Monday the 19th. However I want my husband to be there and Fridays are more flexible for him. I asked my nurse if it's ok to wait until 3/23. She responded that it's better to come in 3/16 which is two days earlier than the 6 week mark. All this was done over email so there was a long time between each response. I asked her what to expect on the appointment - I didn't want to go too early and be disappointed. I tried calling the front desk to schedule for the 16th but no one answered and I kept getting stuck in a hold loop. It was frustrating to try to get answers.

I'd rather go in on 23rd with more of a chance to see something. The u/s from May when they discovered the blighted ovum is still fresh in my mind and I'm scared. Now that I think about it more, maybe they want to make sure it's not ectopic, but wouldn't the hcg numbers show that? Or other symptoms? I don't know. We're walking on eggshells here and worried about everything. I'll try to pinpoint an answer from my nurse in the morning.

None of it seems real. We haven't fully processed. We've been here before and it didn't exactly have the outcome we wanted. So we're just ignoring it. It's somewhere in the background of our life. We do the shots nightly. We talk about bloodwork or appointments as casually as we have as though it's just another cycle. We're not discussing the what-ifs or the could-this-be-it because it's just too surreal. It doesn't seem like it needs to be talked about yet. It might sink in if we see a heartbeat.

FET 6: 4w5d (3/9/18)

This post was originally written on the date in the subject line. All posts for FET 6 were saved as drafts and posted together as a series on one day. Read more here. 

This morning I felt cramps and they scared me. I wasn't sure if it was gas or something more ominous. I might still be digesting the enormous birthday dinner from yesterday. That's what I'm telling myself.

This just goes to show that it's impossible to "just relax." All this can end in a split second. It has before. On one hand I feel like I can't let my guard down - everything is so fragile. On the other hand I want to enjoy the happy moments as they happen. Last pregnancy I spent all my time worrying and waiting for the bad news. When it came it was devastating and no amount of thought or anxiety could have prepared me for it, so what did I gain by worrying all the time? 

I still can't help it but I recognize it's not ideal.

I'm scared to go to the bathroom. I'm worried about every twinge. 

How do people not know when they're pregnant? I don't understand how they can grow a human without realizing anything is different. Maybe I have more symptoms because of the PIO. I don't know. Then I think about all those unwanted pregnancies and how people wish them away, hoping they'll dissolve before it becomes a relevant baby. Or those moms who take shit care of their bodies eating garbage, smoking anything, or drowning in alcohol.... those pregnancies last through the nine months. I've seen those babies in the NICU, going through withdrawal and hearing their tortured cries. It's horrendous. Yet those pregnancies managed to hold on. 

Here I am taking vitamins and shots and eating whole grain and a specially crafted balance of carbs and proteins and fats just to get through each day and stay pregnant. 

FET 6: 13dp6dt, BETA (3/8/18)

This post was originally written on the date in the subject line. All posts for FET 6 were saved as drafts and posted together as a series on one day. Read more here. 

My original birthday post doesn't include the reason I was really happy all day. Beta came back positive at 686.

We went in for bloodwork together for the first time. We needed to get our non-viable embryo disposal forms signed in front of a staff member as a witness. The other option was to find a notary but that would mean going during business hours and it wasn't something we wanted to miss work for. We went earlier than usual so that my husband could still be at work on time. So we left home at 6:30 AM. I had been dead asleep only half an hour prior, so I didn't really have a chance to chug my water as usual. I tried, but it was so early and even room temp water felt cold and like cement in my stomach. I still got 16 oz down but it apparently wasn't enough, or didn't have enough time to absorb, because they couldn't get blood even after two sticks.

I took a break, drank tons more water, signed the paperwork in front of our witness, then went back to the waiting room to get called back for bloodwork. At this point it was 7:20 am and I was fussing that if they would have gotten blood the first time around we'd be done by now. My husband wasn't worried. He said there is nothing more important we have to do today. <3

I got called back again and the staff had rotated. The new person was able to get it with one stick. We checked out and booked it out of there. On the ride home we chatted and I was happy he got to see a glimpse of what life is like for me during a cycle. When it's one time that they can't get blood it's one thing; but when it's like that day after day that time adds up and it's really frustrating.

He went to work and I went shopping, doing some retail therapy and just clearing my head browsing at stores. I was so pleased with my BBB score. I got new bedroom decor and sheets and blankets and throw pillows - the works! My bedroom decor vision is coming together. I just have to get an electrician to swap out the light fixture and we're almost done.

I had already decided that when the call comes in I'll let it go to voicemail so that we can hear the results together. I'd been peeing on my expired pee sticks so I knew there was some hcg in my system. At 10:55 am I got an email with the subject line: Mazal Tov. From there it became the happiest day. No matter what else went on birthday-related, I knew I'd be on cloud nine the rest of the day. Later on the nurse called to confirm I had gotten the results but I was shopping and it went to voicemail anyway.

At this point I don't have any more fall-back reassurances. At least when I was peeing on the sticks and seeing the line get darker day by day it was a measure of something going right. But now that we've confirmed it, there's nothing the pee sticks can tell me. It's another waiting game until next beta on Monday. So nerve wracking.

We've gone from 13dp6dt to 4w4d with one result.

So we wait. We'll enjoy our secret and the morning sickness that started creeping in around mid-mornings.

FET 6: 11dp6dt (3/6/18)

This post was originally written on the date in the subject line. All posts for FET 6 were saved as drafts and posted together as a series on one day. Read more here. 

Oh no... guess what I found. Another pack of expired test strips. Yes I was looking. Yes I took one. Yes it was positive.

Now I'm worried it's a false positive because it's expired. I'm also worried about another chem bc it's a faint line for this far along. 

Why do they make us wait so long??? I know that in the grand scheme of things 9 months is a longer time, plus waiting for every step feels like forever like between betas and waiting for ultrasound. But that's because it takes time for baby to grow. I also think the clinic waits this long to prune out the chem pregnancies, so even if it implanted but isn't sticking it will start decreasing and lower expectations. 

My beta is on Thursday. That's two whole days of waiting and thinking. Two more nights of wondering. Two more evenings of shots. 

FET 6: 10dp6dt (3/5/18)

This post was originally written on the date in the subject line. All posts for FET 6 were saved as drafts and posted together as a series on one day. Read more here. 

We've reached double digits to days post transfer. Feels like a marathon. Does it ever stop feeling like the 2ww take up six times as long as regular weeks? Three more days until beta.

Last night the shots were getting to me. It's not just the shots, it's making sure I'm remembering everything. It feels like I'm constantly reminding myself not to forget something. First thing in the morning is the thyroid medicine, then a reminder to myself of no eating for at least 30 minutes. In the evening it's PIO and every third day add a second shot of DE. Before bed I take the prenatal and vitamin D3 supplements. The D3 I have come in units of 1000 and I'm supposed to take three (which, in addition to the vit D3 in the prenatal, comes out to 4000 nightly). The capsules are so thick and chalky that it takes two or three gulps of water to get them all down. I need to switch to gel caps or at least another version with a higher dose per pill so I don't have to swallow as many.

The shots themselves never seem to get easier. Sure, we've gotten a rhythm down and we can do them with a lot less fanfare than earlier days. The areas we've been poking are getting sore. Even though my husband rubs the muscle after, I'm noticing lumps that I have to work out. I worry that the lumps represent medication that didn't reach its destination. Last night we tried a new spot for the shot and it hurt a lot more than usual. New means the area hasn't gotten numb yet. When it hurts like that and brings tears to my eyes I just think about all the discomfort and pain we've gone through and cry about how we'll take it if another transfer fails. 

The first few days post transfer I had that constant full feeling in my uterus. Either I've gotten used to it or it's become even more mild because I haven't really noticed it as of late. My boobs are kind of sore if I poke them but that's likely the PIO. I finally succeeded in trashing the remaining expired pee sticks so I can't even obsess about whether or not to take those.

I haven't been nauseous but I've also not really had an appetite. I can explain most of the symptoms away to anxiety and meds. At this point I can convince myself it went either way. I think it worked but I don't know if it will get to ultrasound. I will honestly be very surprised if we get a negative beta. We've gotten past those where we've only gotten slightly further along each time: 

FET 1 - negative

FET 2 - negative

FET 3 - first beta was 61 then went down at second beta

FET 4 - first beta was 448, then doubled, then suddenly went down at third beta

FET 5 - first beta was 273, then more than quadrupled, then ended up as a blighted ovum discovered at 7w4d

So the first goal is to get a positive beta, because as sure as I believe my wonky/expired pee sticks from last week, still have to make it official with blood work. Then the next step is to hear a heartbeat. After that, we'll deal with whatever comes. 

FET 6: 7dp6dt (3/2/18)

This post was originally written on the date in the subject line. All posts for FET 6 were saved as drafts and posted together as a series on one day. Read more here. 

The past two days I've been distracted with Purim so it helped keep my mind off the elephant in the room. This morning I tested again with expired strips. I literally fished them out of the trash to take one but then threw the rest out once I got my answer. It's not going to get any more or less accurate and I need to get rid of them all together. Since then, the trash was taken out and picked up so there's no more temptation.

Wednesday was the fast day. I felt guilty for not fasting but my husband and I agreed that, being one of the minor fasts, it's not worth risking implantation issues by fasting. I broke the fast in the morning by taking my morning pill with usual amount of water. For breakfast I had some dry cereal and another bottle of water. I didn't eat treats or extras - kept hydrated and ate enough to last until the next meal but not until satisfaction. Even though I wasn't doing anything wrong, I still felt that in solidarity with those who are fasting, like my husband, that I shouldn't use this as a way to take advantage of the situation. I had my light breakfast and then went to work. I came home for a quick lunch and went back. I didn't snack or drink at my desk. My coworkers already know I observe the fasts and breaking it in front of them would have been a giveaway something is up. 

That night we walked to Megilla reading where people booed haman enthusiastically. When we got home I made some hamentashen while keeping my husband company in the kitchen as he ate his post-fast meal. The next morning we got up early to get ready for shul and early megilla. We both worked that day so we had to get up and out early. I spent the first half of the day at work; more of a party than actual work. at noon I went home and had a light lunch followed by some local deliveries by walking around the neighborhood. Before we knew it it was time to head to the seuda. I brought veg lo mein, rolls, hamentashen, and paper goods. It was more of a load than wha others brough but I felt kind of responsible to pull it together. It was the first time in ten years we weren't hosting and I missed it, but I wasn't going to risk working hard and jeopardizing the potential pregnancy in the early stages. 

We left a little early (6:30ish) because we had friends stopping by and also some of us needed to do a shot. Turned out our friends had to leave shortly after arrival because their kid wasn't feeling well. Just as well since we were pooped. 

I didn't set an alarm for this morning so I slept late until 7 am. I woke up with a full bladder and intention to carry out the stupid task of taking another hpt. It was an expired strip but the line showed up almost immediately. It was also a lot darker than the line on 4dp. I don't think the strip is lying but I also know not to believe this might be happening for real. No real symptoms other than the full feeling in my uterus. It's become a more mild feeling and very much in the background. No more pulling, no more cramps, not really fluttering - just.... there. 

I started thinking ahead to calculating second beta and then heartbeat and then trimesters... I really had to pull the reins. Woah. Just woah. Calm down. It's really hard to not be excited when you see two lines, but I'm only hurting myself if I get ahead of things and it all comes shattering down. 

So Purim is over and we're starting to get ready for Pesach. I've already told my husband I don't want to host. That includes sleep over guests like his family. It makes everyone sad and I don't know how to solve the problem so that everyone gets a piece of what they want. 

I want: not to work hard, not to host

He wants: to spend time with his family, for his family not to be sad (which they will be if they're not invited).

My compromise:

- option a: buy all prepared foods

- option b: have them in a neighbor's house (not available)

- option c; not have them at all 

- stay in a pesach hotel nearby

His compromise: 

- stay in a regular hotel 1.5 miles from his parents. 

We'll see. 

FET6: 5dp6dt (2/28/18)

This post was originally written on the date in the subject line. All posts for FET 6 were saved as drafts and posted together as a series on one day. Read more here. 

I didn't test this morning. I have something else keeping me distracted.

There's a situation at work that's occupying my mind. I didn't fall asleep until past midnight and was up at 4:30 am thinking about it again. It's inappropriate for me to confront the person at work but if she comes to me (which she won't; she knows better) I have my comments prepared. It got so heated in my mind when I played out the conversation that I went on to imagine where else I'd work once I got fired or let go. I'm making it into a bigger deal than it is and being a lot more dramatic than necessary. But I feel like a wrong needs to be righted and I feel powerless to fix the issue because my hands are tied due to bureaucracy.

I've noticed that there's now a semi-permanent feeling below my waist. I keep confusing it with GI but I've been pretty regular with that so it doesn't make sense that it's a factor. It's almost like a full bladder feeling, but centered. Full uterus? I hope so.

It's a very mild feeling and I only notice it when I'm paying attention. I check in every so often: am I still feeling it? Yep, there it is. I recognize it from my chem pregs. Most specifically, I noticed its absence once I miscarried -- I hadn't realized it was there and when it was new I didn't know to expect it.

So regardless of what the pee sticks said, I think something may be going on. Whether it will last through beta is another question. Whether it will last to ultrasound... who knows.

Other than being unable to sleep well I haven't noticed other symptoms. No food aversions. I smell a lot but I've always had a sensitive nose. My skin is clearer but I wonder if that's because of the meds and vitamins I'm taking religiously.

FET6: 4dp6dt (2/27/18)

This post was originally written on the date in the subject line. All posts for FET 6 were saved as drafts and posted together as a series on one day. Read more here. 

I tested again. I knew it wouldn't be good but I still did. So stupid.

It came out negative, of course. And then I had to reassure myself so I googled (omg will the madness never end?!) and they all said that expired tests are a big mistake. In fact, some even recommend not using a test within 6 months of expiration because the chemicals degrade, especially the cheap strips that I'm using. That made me feel better. 

Then I checked the test again about 20 min later and it had turned to a faint positive. So I raced back to google and they said that false positives are also common with degraded tests, especially if they're kept in the bathroom with steam and heat. That's where I keep mine!

Solution: toss the rest of the strips. I only had about 6 more and they all expire 2/2018. They're not going to tell me anything and I will just keep driving myself insane going back and forth. 

I'm trying to have something every day to look forward to. Purim is coming up. We're going to a party on Sat night. My birthday is coming up. We may celebrate early or late.... beta happens to be on my birthday. I debated asking the clinic to change it to a day earlier. But I decided I'll take my bday off of work and so that way I'll be able to control where I am when I get results. In the past I've gone home to cry and been unable to come back. I was already planning to take off for my bday so it works out well. 

I've been trying not to scrutinize every twinge or symptom. In truth I haven't really had symptoms. My uterus feels like it's been dancing for a few days. Fluttering? Activity? Something. But who's to say it's not from the PIO. I'm not reading too much into it. No lower back pain, thankfully, ever since I got a new bed. I've been tired, but that's mainly from waking up too early and being unable to fall back asleep. No food aversions, no nausea. The cramping is all but a faint memory. Every so often I remember my secret and get a little jolt in my stomach. Sometimes it's excitement. Sometimes it's dread of another failure. Trying to stay positive and stop googling.

Yesterday felt like the longest day in history. I couldn't believe how long time was dragging.

FET 6: 3dp6dt (2/26/18)

This post was originally written on the date in the subject line. All posts for FET 6 were saved as drafts and posted together as a series on one day. Read more here. 

I did something bad. Really, really bad.

I poas. 

I took a home pregnancy test on day 2 post transfer. 

What was I thinking? I knew with absolute certainty that it was too early. I knew that it would be negative. I knew it would depress me. 

And yet..... maybe......... maybe?.........

No. 

Not maybe. Not even a little bit. Completely stark white. One hundred percent negative. 

Of course it was. What was I expecting? I knew that it was too early. Only rare exceptions and liars start seeing something that early (as I found on Google). 

I tried making myself feel better that it wasn't fmu and that it was too early and that there's still a chance. But the damage was already done. There's a crack in the hope and the negativity is seeping in. I turned to my husband for reassurance. He was so sad. Then he realized oh wait it's super early. Stop taking tests. Please don't poas again. I realize the failure hits him hard too and he may also want that bubble of hope until beta. That I was shattering it for him too when I decide to test early.  

I made it worse. 

I needed reassurance, something, anything, to tell me there's still a chance. 

First thing in the morning on 3dp6dt I poas again. Again I knew the answer before I even dipped. Again I knew it wouldn't be good. Again I knew it would just make things worse when I didn't see any kind of reassurance, because it was just too early. But I did it anyway. I couldn't help it. I remembered from FET 3 back when I was doing pee sticks that I started seeing something on day 3 and was hoping this would be the same. 

But... again... nothing. Not even a shadow of a something. Not even a hint. Not even after two hours. 

There were no tears. Just sadness. I've resigned to the fact that this may not work. 

There's no reason to poas. There's nothing it can guarantee. Even if it's positive it can't tell me that it's going to last past a chemical pregnancy. If it's negative it could be because it's too early or because the hcg just hasn't accumulated yet. Back at FET 3 I started seeing a line on 3dpt and rejoiced at the line getting darker every day... until it wasn't. Some time around day 10 the line was still there but it wasn't getting darker. In fact it was getting slightly lighter. What was going on? My beta came back in the 60s and a second blood test a few days later confirmed the chemical pregnancy was over. So what did I gain? Happiness for a split second in time? So much happiness to just be shattered to pieces days later? 

I don't gain anything from finding out early. My need to know is second to my need for sanity. Logically I know I need to stop testing. I've used up most of my will in the past two cycles. I'm tired and I'm burned out and it's really hard to resist the temptation. 

You know what helps? Discovering my pee sticks are expired. Whether or not that makes a difference doesn't matter because I've convinced myself that they're bad. They expire 2/2018 so they're technically still ok maybe? But I'd rather believe not so that I can use it to prevent testing and any unnecessary meltdowns. 

Maybe I'll test morning of beta - that way there won't be too long a delay in finding out real results. See? There I go again with the impatience. 

The only thing that will give us an answer is time. I need to know the answer so I can manage my expectations, but any answer I get today will be inaccurate.

How is it still only Monday? I haven't thought about it in almost thirty minutes. 

FET 6: 2dp6dt (2/25/18)

This post was originally written on the date in the subject line. All posts for FET 6 were saved as drafts and posted together as a series on one day. Read more here. 

I started to notice that familiar cramping/butterfly feeling about three hours after the transfer. It comes and goes and when it's not there I miss it. I know it's not progesterone symptoms because I've been on PIOs for over a week and I only started feeling it after transfer.

Friday night we hosted our guests. They left around 10 pm which is a little early but all four of us were yawning and it was just right. It was a lovely evening and it was a great idea to have guests to keep my mind occupied for the evening.

That big lunch I had on Friday came back to haunt me in the middle of the night. I got woken up at 3 am by stomach aches and went to the bathroom but even after two trips it wasn't done. So instead of going back and forth to bed and bothering my husband, I sat on the couch to read and ride it out. At 5 am my husband comes to find me asleep on the couch with a crick in my neck. I went back to bed with no more interruptions.

Shabbat morning we went to shul for Parshat Zachor. It was crowded as expected. When we got home I was sitting on the couch when I turned to look outside the window. When I turned I got a sharp pain in what felt like my left ovary. An involuntary "ouch!" escaped and scared my husband but the pain wasn't that bad, just surprising. I remembered clearly getting something similar last transfer in the afternoon two days after the transfer (not one day). Who knows if it means something or not. There was no more sharpness to the pain but it was a dull ache for the rest of the day. I tried stretching to get it to loosen up but I don't think it's a pulled muscle I can fix. I'm not putting heat on it. It will hopefully loosen on its own. In the meantime I'm scrutinizing every twinge and every symptom.

I took a nap in the afternoon and went out to meet a friend on Sat night. I didn't get to bed until after midnight but I barely slept more than 5 hours.

Eleven days until beta.

FET 6: Transfer day (2/23/18)

This post was originally written on the date in the subject line. All posts for FET 6 were saved as drafts and posted together as a series on one day. Read more here. 

Officially pupo!

I can't even remember the start of the day. I got semi dressed to take out the trash. Then go back in bed with coffee to watch Today. I showered last night right before the massage and planned to be home by noon and shower then go to the clinic. So I got dressed and went to work. Got little done and left at noon. I decided to stop at the grocery to pick up soap and milk, among a few other items. I was supposed to drink my 16 to 20 oz at noon, but I figured I'll drink when I get home.

I got home at 12:15. And went to the bathroom. When I was back on my phone I saw my nurse had emailed w subject line: Transfer. Heart pounding I started going through all the scenarios why she would be contacting me minutes before we leave to go to the clinic. So I fumble to get my password in and read the email. I see that she wrote, "glad the transfer went well!"  I instantly type back, "haven't been there yet. What do you mean??" And since she didn't respond within seconds I called. Luckily for everyone she picked up in the second ring because I was about to Lose. My. Shit. My hands were shaking when she answered. I had assumed that they put my transfer in someone else. That's the only reason right??? She apologized and said she looked at the thaw report. The thaw was ok. She was premature on sending the email. Story of their life right? This is basically what happened a few weeks ago when the nurse looked at the info wrong. I told her that I'm about to go for the transfer and when they ask why my blood pressure is through the roof I'll blame her.

What hell. Never a dull moment. This clinic is such a disaster. At some point I'm going to write out all my grievances so that I don't forget with time. Throughout the morning I kept going to the bathroom. At first it was normal then kept getting softer.... nervous shits.

So it's 12:30 by the time I drink my water. It's 30 min past the time but whatever. We got ready to go and arrived in time at 12:45. I ran to the bathroom (one of the nurses yelled out "only a little!" thinking it was my overfull bladder) and had a mess with #2 but trying not to let all the pee escape.

We had the transfer. I was emotional but tried not to cry bc I didn't want to mess up the speculum/catheter and ruin it all. Held my husband's hand throughout. Took a selfie while we were waiting before doc got there. Got a picture of our embryos and it was over before we knew it. Back home by 1:45.

I had lunch when we got home because I was starving: scrambled eggs w swiss slice, bagel w cream cheese, 2 grillers, 3 mini hamentashen, and pineapple. Weather is cloudy and drizzling and chilly.

Now I'm watching Louis CK and Jim Gaffigan. And keep reminding myself- oh right! That happened! It's 3:17 and I'm chilling before showering for Shabbat and having our guests.

We're both optimistic about this transfer. It was rough getting to this point but we're pretty zen with the decisions that got us to this point. Now we just need stickage!!!

FET 6: night before transfer (2/22/18)

This post was originally written on the date in the subject line. All posts for FET 6 were saved as drafts and posted together as a series on one day. Read more here. 

The house is clean. The pineapple is purchased. Shabbat is all prepared, including the table set. I'm post massage. It was nice but not relaxing. As I was getting ready to go I was annoyed I had to leave the house in the cold weather. Another sacrifice for the good of the transfer...

Took one last shot and all that's left is to do the transfer. This is it. We've prepared for months for this. We've done everything we can. Now it's up Him to help with implantation and a healthy pregnancy. Good luck to us!!

FET 6: T minus 2 (2/21/18)

This post was originally written on the date in the subject line. All posts for FET 6 were saved as drafts and posted together as a series on one day. Read more here. 

Two more sleeps until transfer. Scheduled the cleaning crew for Thursday morning. Scheduled a massage for Thursday evening. Transfer is scheduled for 1:15 PM on Friday so we're supposed to arrive by 12:45 PM. At noon I'm supposed to empty my bladder and drink 16 - 20 oz within 15 minutes and hold it until after the transfer. K.

I'm excited and calm. I'm worried and nervous. I'm simultaneously thinking "this is it" and "what a waste." I want to believe that this time it will be different and just can't believe it will be. We've been eating takeout almost nightly. Chinese food tonight; grill yesterday; bagels the day before. I don't know why, I've just been reluctant to cook and tired to shop for groceries. I don't think I'm trying to self-sabotage by pumping my body full of msg; I think I'm getting all the takeout cravings out of my system so that I can avoid it for the weeks after transfer. 

On Friday night we have guests coming and I plan to have literally everything ready before I leave for work. I plan to leave work at noon and meet my husband at home before we go to the clinic together. Once I get home I'll have time to take a shower and get to the clinic with time to spare. At least that's the plan.

Today I went for a checkup for my eyeballs. I saw this article and decided it's time to get my itchy eyes checked out *shiver* Thankfully no eye worms and my itchy eyes are just... itchy. She recommended some eye drops. I also mentioned the eye twitch I've been having on my right eye but she wasn't concerned: caffeine, stress, dry eyes, lack of sleep.... all possible causes. It's pretty minor and has been receding the past few weeks. I told her we're ttc with treatment and she's like, "Yeahhhh.... that kind of stress can take a toll." I didn't even know I was stressed.

FET 6: Lining check (2/16/18)

This post was originally written on the date in the subject line. All posts for FET 6 were saved as drafts and posted together as a series on one day. Read more here. 

On Friday I went in for the lining check. In many ways the FET protocol is so much easier than IVF. Less appointments, less medication, less of a roller-coaster regarding emotions and hormones. In general just a lot less anxiety overall. The FET protocol has four appointments:
- Baseline
- Lining check
- Transfer
- Beta

The whole thing is a month to five weeks from start to finish. There are two weeks between baseline and lining check, then a week after that is the transfer. The 2ww varies by clinic and some people wait as few as 8 days before getting their beta. My clinic is pretty set on a full actual two weeks so we wait thirteen days before beta. Sometime I want to wait more... just hold on to hope for a little longer. I never do because if it didn't work then waiting just means unnecessary butt shots of PIO for no reason. But I digress; back to lining check.

Friday morning was the first day off work for the long president's day weekend but I couldn't sleep late because I had an early appointment. I got to the clinic and there wasn't much activity going on so I assumed I'd be seen quickly. I made sure to drink a lot that morning to try and avoid any blood draw issues. The tech who called me back looked tense and worried, very different from her usual chipper self. It was also a tech that's usually in the lab drawing blood but sometimes they rotate so it didn't seem so out of place. I was concerned there was something wrong with my file or protocol but she just said they're going to do the ultrasound first and left the room. The ultrasound tech came in, checked the lining. Anything above 8 is good. Sometimes my uterus likes to be an overachiever and have 12s but anything above 8 is "excellent."

For comparison, my lining at previous Lining Check appointments:

FET 5: 10.37 mm
FET 4: 8.69 mm
ERA I: 11.70 mm
ERA II: 9 mm
FET 3: 10 mm
I didn't keep records for FET 1 and 2.

After that I went back to the waiting room to wait for bloodwork. I had just enough time to text my husband an update before getting called back. New person. Uh oh. I told myself I'll give her a chance before asking for the other tech who is more experienced with my vein.

She was very chatty and while I don't normally engage, this time it was interesting. She asked if I had a long wait time and I said not really. She said they had a girl almost pass out in the chair when the other tech drew her blood. I said that doesn't bode well for the duration of her stay at a fertility clinic. Good luck to her. It explained the worried look on the other tech's face when she called me back for the ultrasound. While we were chatting she was checking and rechecking my vein. She apologized for "being OCD" but I said I'd rather you check it a hundred times and only stick me once. I told her I drank a lot of water but that it's a tricky vein and not to feel bad if she doesn't get it. See what I did there? Setting the stage for calling in the cavalry because I'm too chicken to hurt her feelings even at the expense of my pincushion arm. She got it on the first draw. We all cheered. All told it was a quick appointment, 35 min total.

I got the call from my nurse later that afternoon. Lining is at 8.7 mm and E2 518 with low progesterone. Good to start PIOs, but with very specific instructions.

My nurse got detailed directions from the lab who said that they timed the ERA II results based on when I took the first shot that cycle and when the biopsy was. This was to calculate an even "more precise" transfer window. She gave me instructions that the first PIO shot had to be at 9:30 PM exactly on Sat night but the subsequent shots can be more flexible as long as they're within up to 24 hours of each other. Weird. But at the same time, I'll accept any supposed advantage I can get. I had plans to meet with a friend on Sat night. I didn't want to cancel but at the same time I had this PIO shot stuck in the middle of the evening. Turned out there was bad weather and no one felt like going out in the snow and ice so we rescheduled. My husband is a pro already and we did the shot on schedule without incident.

For the very first time, I organized the meds and all accompanying paraphernalia in a little basket. It's easier than having to haul out the big box it came in where I hid it in the closet like I've been doing for every single past cycle. This is so much better! I think I didn't want to do it previously because I didn't want it to become part of the "normal" landscape of my room but it so is and nothing I tuck away in the closet will hide that fact.

I had so much anxiety leading up to this week but right now I'm just super chill. I wasn't even worried about the lining check or bloodwork. I'm very much in the "if it's meant to happen, it will happen how it's supposed to" camp these days. The only thing I'm a little bit concerned about is that our transfer is scheduled for a Friday and we have guests coming for dinner that night. We scheduled it months ago based on their work schedule and babysitter availability (they're coming without kids). They're not the type to cancel unless one of their kids is sick... and even then probably not. I'm planning to make everything in advance and just chill and relax but I know myself and I know I'm going to want to be up and about taking care of serving stuff and clearing up, etc. I could cancel but I think it would be nice to hang out with friends and laugh and chill instead of anxiously channeling my inner couch potato worrying about every twinge.

T minus 5 days!

FET 6: Baseline (2/2/2018)

This post was originally written on the date in the subject line. All posts for FET 6 were saved as drafts and posted together as a series on one day. Read more here. 

Traffic was light. I wore my weighing in outfit. I purposely have the same outfit on not only because it's the least amount of fabric I can get away with in public for weighing in but also because I like comparing apples to apples between baseline appointments, and that morning my apples were quite chilly. Not the best outfit for windy weather.

I discovered a double edged sword to my baseline appointments. I want to control my weight so I don't drink before. But then I'm dehydrated and they can't get blood. They got my weight, all fine. Then tried for blood which started but then stopped. So I suggested instead of poking another two or three times and then ultimately going to my hand, which is really painful, how about I drink and do the ultrasound, and then come back for blood. That helped, plus they got a different person. I appreciate when the techs are experienced and mature enough to know when to tag out.

When I went for the ultrasound the tech saw something. Not that she let anything on but I already know her and I could tell. She started asking questions so I knew something is up. She asked who my doc is. She asked if I started spotting. She wished me good luck and left. As I was leaving the attending doc said to me that my lining is a bit thick  at 14 mm and not truly at baseline. He said that he'll add a note for my doc to see when he checks my chart. So starting depends on the doctor's preference. The attending doctor apparently likes to wait for the lining to be "at baseline" before starting meds, whereas my doctor only needs to see the bloodwork at baseline in order to proceed and doesn't put too much stock in the ultrasound as long as there are no cysts or other issues, since they're planning to build up the lining anyway.

I got the call around noon that we're all clear to start and had the first deletrogen shot at night. We had a lovely low-key shabbat, since our guests declined due to having sick family members, and then went to a superbowl party on Sunday where we ate too much junk food./

FET 6: The Series

Over the course of six weeks I wrote a total of sixteen posts dated 2/2 - 3/13 about our sixth frozen embryo transfer. Before starting the cycle, my husband and I decided we'd keep the news of this one to ourselves. We each kept our word and didn't tell anyone about the transfer or results. Unfortunately, the only time our family and friends found out about it was when we shared the news of the miscarriage.

For the brief shiny moment in time when all was going well we had a happy secret among ourselves. It didn't last long. It's that euphoria of "maybe it worked" that has fueled hope for another try.

The posts were difficult for me to read through. I still can't read through the last one; it's too raw and too soon. I'm posting them because I want to have the good parts of those weeks saved. I want to be able to reference numbers and symptoms in the future. I want to be able to look back and remember what it was like before it all went to hell. I'm also posting because it's part of my life and even though it's traumatic, it happened and I can't change that. So I embrace it.

But I don't want to harp on it. I'm posting them all in a chunk. I'm sharing the experience as it happened, in chronological order, and scheduled the posts to release with a little time in between each one. For me it's time to remember and grieve and mourn and be sad. But after that it will be time to move on. It will be time to look at the future and start fresh. It will be part of us but behind us.

My heart is heavy. This baggage will always be a part of our history and this one is definitely one for the books. By writing it down and letting it out, it gives me the option of storing the baggage in a safe space instead of carrying it around. I'm not trying to forget it; writing it is almost like permission to temporarily walk away from it so that, without the burden of past failures weighing me down, I can hope again, try again, and maybe succeed.

Not ok

I told family and friends our news. Everyone is so sad. I can't help but feel like I'm letting everyone down with this news. I can't help but feel like I'm fatiguing my support network. They've obviously not said anything of the sort, but it feels like a burden to keep saddling them with this sucky news.

I fell asleep last night at 8:00 pm. I was exhausted from the drama and drained from all the blood loss. I woke up while it was still dark and had too much time to think. It was followed by too many tears. I didn't take any time off work because I wanted a distraction from the continuous loop replaying the horrors of the event. I went to work yesterday. I went again today. When it got overwhelming and I couldn't hold back the tears anymore I went home at lunch for cry breaks.

I haven't really eaten in two days. Today it was coffee in the morning, tangerine at some point during the day, then leftovers for dinner.

I'm so, so sad. Not only because of the loss, but also because of the fear. The anxiety that this will never end. The worry that we may not get to have a family. The panic that we may spend years of our life trying for something that's not in the cards for us to have.

First day of spring is on Tuesday. It holds no specific symbolism for me, but it's a good a day as any to turn a new leaf. I've decided to let myself wallow and be miserable until then. If I enjoyed alcohol, I'd be so sloshed right now. But I don't and nothing helps numb the heartache. Pesach is around the corner and as much as I don't want to think about it, it's still happening and I need to snap out of zombie-hood. But not yet. For now, I wallow and let the pain flow through.

Over before it began: PUPO no more

At the end of February we had our sixth transfer. As we'd agreed, my husband and I didn't tell anyone. True to our pact, I didn't tell family, friends, or post anything about it. I did write and I have about 12 unpublished drafts about the journey.

It was going well until yesterday evening just after 5:00 pm when I started bleeding. It started with a huge gush of heavy, bright red blood and followed by large clots. There was absolutely no warning at all. Even though it was the first time that has happened, I knew immediately it was the end. I called the after hours emergency line and the nurse said to stay hydrated and come in in the morning. I didn't sleep all night and first thing this morning we went in to the clinic together. They took blood. Then they did an ultrasound. The doctor couldn't see a sac, and for how high my hcg was measuring it should have been showing clearly. It was all but over, we just needed to wait for blood results to confirm that hcg was dropping.

He couldn't explain why this pregnancy failed. He couldn't explain the massive bleed. He couldn't give me any reason for any of it. He wasn't unkind but he also didn't offer any reassurance or hope. Once again we were left alone in the room for me to get dressed and for us to pick up the pieces of our shattered hearts.

When things were going well we couldn't believe it. We didn't talk about it, we didn't plan or dream or think ahead. We were just trying to take it one day at a time; one test at a time. Beta 1 came back at 686 on my birthday. It was a wonderful present. Beta 2 came back at 2738 on Monday, which was four days later and normal doubling time. Then, out of nowhere, on Tuesday 3/13 I started bleeding. It was immediately a lot and it was traumatic. The gory details are in one of the drafts I saved.

I'm not sure yet when I'll post the drafts. I want to but I don't think I'm ready. I felt it was important to preserve the timeline for multiple reasons. Some of the posts are just so full of hope and I don't know if I can read through them in prep for publishing. Maybe I'll just post the raw pieces, if at all.

I think we're done with this clinic. We transferred all our healthy embryos. We've signed forms to discard any nonviable ones that aren't getting transferred. We've given them three years of our lives, countless dollars, and seven tries. They had their chance and they blew it. Our account is clear and there's nothing holding us back from switching. Part of it feels like giving up. Part of it feels like a fresh start without all the baggage and terrible memories of the horrible news we kept getting. I'm not planning to make any major decisions before we have time to process but it helps me feel better to think ahead. I guess I'm not yet ready to give up on trying, as much as part of me wants this nightmare merry-go-round to end.

I got to work on time after dropping my husband off. I said eff it to my healthy eating and had coffee and cookies for breakfast. We're both so sad. We're doing normal things in the hopes that if we pretend everything is normal then the sadness won't wash over and engulf us. As my husband put it when I texted to check in on how he's doing: "mess packaged in pretty wrapper." The call came just after 1 pm. Levels dropped to 1237. It's officially over.

It hasn't really hit me. Maybe because I'm at work, trying to get through the day even though my mind is a million miles away. Maybe it will sink in when I have to tell my family of yet another loss. In the meantime I tear up and quickly regain composure before my face blotches over to the point of no return. My heart is heavy and truly it makes me most sad that my husband is sad. While logically I know it's not my fault because there was nothing in my control to change the outcome, I still can't help feel responsible that it's my body that keeps failing us. I'm the one who is supposed to carry our children, and for some reason my body keeps expelling them before they've had a chance at life. We've yet to see a live heartbeat on one of our transfers.

I know we'll be ok. I know we've been through this before and eventually felt hope again. But it gets harder with each loss. It gets harder with each healthy embryo lost. It gets harder when beta numbers grow stronger only to spontaneously abort without any reason. We've literally tried every single thing we were suggested. It's disheartening. It's depressing. It's discouraging. How much more can we go through? How many more cycles? How many more years? How much more money and heartache before we either succeed or give up?

Today I have no answers. Only sadness.

Storage malfunction

A news article is making its way around the internet and crossed my desk last week: "2,000 frozen eggs and embryos possibly ‘compromised’ after fertility clinic temperature malfunction."  

How completely and terribly horrible. The clinic is offering to pay for people to undergo more procedures to replace but that's just awful. What about people who've aged out? What about people who lost spouses? What about women who froze their eggs in prep for chemo? There's nothing easy about replacing lost embryos and sometimes it's an impossible option. 

Some of the women in my support groups on fb were effected by this and lost embryos. None are planning to join the class action lawsuit. One said that the doctors and nurses have been closer than some family members when she was having her losses. They took care of her when she had ectopic pregnancies and were an emotional support when she lost a baby at 19 weeks, even though she had technically graduated to her OB by then. 

So many people are hurt by this. Sure, the victims of the loss of their embryos. But it's also the staff and doctors and the entire university losing its credibility. They haven't even figured out what the malfunction was to be able to say for sure it won't happen again. 

Sad all around. 

This is 34

It was a great day. I took the day off work and spent it doing whatever I want. First I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and whipped out a collection of gift cards and coupons I'd been saving up. I walked out with nearly $300 worth of stuff after paying only $21. I also visited Williams-Sonoma for fun, shopped around for some clothes, and then had lunch with friends. Got my nails done in the afternoon and went out to dinner when my husband came home from work. For dessert we opted for a huge Belgian waffle with whip cream, ice cream, chocolate, and berries instead of cake. Worth it.

All in all I'm happy with the decision to take off and just do stuff I don't normally do - like go to a store and browse; I buy everything online these days. I was happy to have me-time as well as spend it with people I love. It was interesting to see who preferred to send private messages and who posted on social media. I appreciated it either way and tried to respond to the personal messages (via text/email) but stayed away from fb most of the day. Family celebration over the weekend coming up.

Happy birthday to me!

Drama

After planning for another lazy Sunday, it picked up in some unexpected drama before I even had breakfast. At 34 weeks along my sister tripped on some uneven floor and fell on her side. Her husband was working out and she couldn't reach him. She called me sobbing. She calmed enough to call the doctor who told her to go to the hospital so we raced over.

They did a bunch of tests. The only one I stepped out for was the sonogram. I've never gotten to see any of my pregnancies reach that stage and I didn't know how I would react. Since I couldn't be sure that I'd get through it without crying I didn't want to risk it and waited outside the door.

Long story short, they monitored her for a few hours and released her with instructions to take it easy and follow up with her doctor. It was a scare and I'm glad it didn't escalate to anything more.

As we sat in the L&D ward I couldn't help but wonder.

Purim 2018

Purim was on Thursday. Between preparing mishloach manot and doing my part of the potluck meal it kept me busy. Even though we didn't host for the first time in ten years (we were both working), it turned out to be a lovely day itself.

Tuesday I had an appointment for my yearly eye checkup. I had a little twitch in my right eye plus they were both dry so timing worked out well. She didn't find anything specific to cause the dryness or twitch but suggested drops I can start using. She said the twitch can be anything from stress, lack of sleep, caffeine, etc. Later in the conversation she looked at my medical history and meds I'm taking and saw a prenatal and asked, are you pregnant? And I said, "trying... IVF stuff." To that she responded, "Well, there you go: that can cause a lot of stress." Since then the twitch has actually been getting better and fading away - maybe the drops help too. 

This past weekend we had the craziest winds. There were downed trees and neighbors losing power. Our house is older and one of the things that needs updating is the windows. They're not very energy efficient and the winds were just seeping right through making it so cold. I found a space heater to put in our bedroom last night which made a huge difference but we weren't comfortable leaving it on overnight. We had it on for a few hours with the door closed and then turned it off right before bed. It worked really well and now I carry it around to whatever room I'm in to keep me company. If I tried to turn the heat up to the entire house it would pool around one room and shoot my electricity bill up through the roof; this is a much better solution. 

Over the weekend I also had some stomach issues. I don't know if it was something I ate over Purim (we ate a lot of junk) or on Friday, but I had the worst stomach pain on early Sat morning. I ran back and forth to the bathroom literally every 20 min until about 5pm. I didn't have anything left and still I was having stomach pains as though I needed to go. Not even gas was coming out at that point. We considered going to urgent care to get it checked out. I'm a big fan of checking things out and going to the doc for even the most minor things, but this felt silly - it was just a little bug, right? I wanted to see if it would resolve on its own. It was concerning that it wasn't resolving fast enough, and without getting into too many details there were also different colors that were  unexpected and causing alarm. I hadn't really eaten all day because I was worried it would make it worse. After shabbat I took a hot shower and it seemed to really sooth whatever tension was causing the cramping/urge to go. I guess being cold all day wasn't helping? I don't know. I went to a post-Purim party and had a nice time - no bathroom emergencies. It's not completely gone but I'll keep drinking water and monitoring. Maybe it was a stomach bug and hopefully it's over. I will say I feel about 10 lbs lighter. 

I'm currently fighting with the clinic about a new charge on my account. Last year's February cycle produced two embryos, one tested healthy and the other not. We transferred the healthy one in April which resulted in the blighted ovum. The other was cryopreserved. A lot has happened in the meantime and since it's not a viable embryo I kind of forgot about it until last week when taking inventory. I asked my nurse to get rid of any of the non-transferable embryos so she said she'll get paperwork ready. In the meantime, they want to charge me for another year of storage. I'm not paying for storage for an abnormal embryo we're not planning to transfer and about to thaw and dispose. So the due date was 2/24 for payment. No notice that it's coming up, no heads up or anything. The card they have on file was replaced which is the only reason I got notified. They were trying to just take the payment directly and it didn't go through. It's amazing that the departments there don't talk to each other. Now I have get some paperwork notarized and send it over and then dispute the charge. It's always something.