Routine

Now that the holiday is over we're back to routine. In so many ways, it's such a blessing. You know what to expect, you know what you're supposed to do and where you're supposed to be. There's something special about not having to think about those things every day. So many people came back to work saying that spring break was nice, but they were ready to come back. I didn't feel ready. I could have used another week.

Thankfully my niece is out of the hospital. My sister is probably traumatized for life. It was terrifying for us, as family members, seeing the baby so sick. I can only imagine how hard it was for the baby's mom. Hopefully she'll continue to recover and this will simply become a terrible memory in the past.

In doctor news, I've sent updated records to our new RE. I've also called the out of town specialist to see if they have any cancellations before our September appointment and they don't. I'll keep trying. I called my regular obgyn for a yearly and got on the schedule for next week (called her a bunch of times also and got the appointment bumped up from mid-May). Tomorrow is the appointment for my husband's ultrasound. I called the surgery scheduler and left a message there.

There's a lot going on. On one hand it's annoying we have to do all these things before we can move forward. On the other hand it's something to do to feel like we're somewhat in control. At least we're "fixing" and "addressing" things that may or may not be the issue that fixes everything. I don't know.

I'm still in and out of the blues. Externally I'm numb. I've cried a few times the past week but it was mainly in fear for my niece's welfare. She may not be my baby biologically, but she's still the family baby.

Even my crying has lost some of its energy. It's more like my eyes well up and spill over. I get a tissue to wipe my eyes and blow my nose and it's over. It's not like the heaving sobs of before when things were still fresh. Either I'm coming to terms with the sucky reality or I've kind of given in and given up, accepting that this is just my life. At least for now. 

Routine helps mask the should-haves as we pass the milestones. For example, cleaning up from the holiday and getting ready for the work week thinly veiled the fact that if the pregnancy had stuck I'd have been 9 weeks yesterday.

Cleaning, laundry, groceries, work.... all normal things that normal people do on normal days. Going through the motions helps me feel like I'm back in the normal world. Before all this started. Before we knew what would happen. Before our hearts were shattered again and again.