Impatience and fear

I'm working hard on trying to curb my impatience. I know that we can't do anything for a few months but in the meantime things we can do are taking f.o.r.e.v.e.r.

In my efficient-craving mindset, it sometimes boggles my mind how people aren't more effective with their time. Why don't they think three steps ahead and make better choices? Knowing what I know now, I could have taken more efficient steps to cut out some of the wait. A lot of it was beyond my control and all told it's only been two weeks since we saw the urologist.

I'm currently annoyed at how long we have to wait between each step.
Step 1: Initial consultation
Step 2: Ultrasound + blood work
Step 3: DNA fragmentation study
Step 4: Schedule surgery
Step 5: Surgery
Step 6: Wait 72 days after surgery before IVF

The clock for 72 days starts day of surgery, but there are so many steps first, and there's a wait time between each. We can't even schedule the surgery until results come back from steps 2 and 3. We did step 2; now we're waiting for step 3 which includes a 5 day wait time to get the kit and then another five days once its returned for results to be sent to the doctor. So far we're 14 days in since step 1.

We're not doing a transfer until we see the RPL specialist anyway so I'm impatient to hurry things up but for what? I keep calling that office for cancellations. So far nothing. They said they're now scheduling for November and apparently someone else is also calling often for cancellations. I'll keep at it but I've lost the optimism I had when I first scheduled that we'd for sure get in sooner.

I oscillate between wondering if these steps will help us or if we're just setting ourselves up for more disappointment. It's impossible to know unless we try, but it will take such a huge mental effort to get over the hurdle of risking another miscarriage in order to try again.

According to an article I read online, I think by Dr. Sher though I can't remember exactly, the probability of miscarriage goes up with every failure. Obviously it's not that earlier losses cause the current loss, but the fact that if there was an issue that caused the loss, it will likely keep being an issue until it's addressed. What if the issues are never addressed? What if they can't find the issue?

Varicocele seems to be only a piece of the puzzle but I don't think it's the only cause of the issues. For one thing, we were able to get normal embryos. Whether or not they were truly normal we'll never know, but I did get pregnant four times. And four times the baby mysteriously self-aborted. Each time it was a little further along in the pregnancy, leading to false hope and making each loss worse than the last. For another thing, it seems to be that people can and do get pregnant even with a varicocele and that it's sometimes only discovered by coincidence.

So there's something causing the miscarriage. It might be something as simple as adding baby aspirin to our protocol. It might not. I don't know. It feels like as long as we can keep trying there's still hope. I'm scared of trying because I'm scared of failing. I'm scared of being told there's nothing else to try. I'm scared of going through another loss. I'm scared of being told we have to come to terms that this may never happen for us and they can't even tell us why.

I can try to get myself pumped up even temporarily and I've been doing a few things to try to get in a better mood. A lot of it involves retail therapy. I got new sneakers which I hope to put to good use and take advantage of the nicer weather. I got highlights in my hair and paid a few bucks to the dentist for some bleaching trays. I considered therapy but if it's anything like the therapist I saw last year it wasn't helpful.

It may just take time. Time and distance from that whole thing. It was barely a month ago that it all happened. It's still incredibly fresh and traumatizing. I don't know if I'll be able to feel moisture between my legs and not immediately assume it's blood. Sometimes my mind goes back to that evening and I think about the events that happened. I think about a few minutes prior to when I discovered the gush and how happy go lucky I felt, how careless and content, how clueless and naive about what was about to happen. I just get so sad thinking about it. I don't avoid thinking about it. I embrace the thoughts and the discomfort and the pain they bring. This isn't something one just gets over; you have to go through it and hopefully come out the other side a little stronger and a little tougher.