Farewell 2021

Who knew that we'd be in this position on 12/31/2021. Cases in my state are surging. There are no rapid test kits to be found in stores, but if you know someone who prepared ahead you might be in luck. PCR tests have lines wrapping around the corner. Hospitals are at 92-95% capacity so if someone has a stroke or gets in a car accident they're SOL because a bunch of unvaccinated people on ventilators are taking up all the beds and resources. 

In some ways this feels worse. A year ago we had hope. Hope that a vaccine will be the magic cure that we need to end the pandemic. Hope that it can't possibly last much longer because we have a new administration who can fix it all. Hope that we won't be worrying about this isolation business much longer.

What are we looking forward to now? We're basically relearning how to live with this. I can't even think about summer camp options because in the back of my mind I don't even know if schools are going to be open next week. Case numbers are so high that some schools are holding testing clinics before they'll allow students and staff to return after winter break. There was such a high case number before break that nearly 70% of students were out the day before break - either because they were positive, exposed, or scared.

It's also worse because we're worn down. We're mentally, emotionally, and physically fatigued from all this. Who has the mental stamina to go into this third calendar year with the same vigilance we had at first when we were wiping down our groceries? As I get more desperate for social interaction, for myself and my toddler, my risk tolerance wanes. It always ends up on the side of safety, so we haven't done anything I regret, but I've thought about it.

***

This past week school was closed and my husband worked overtime. So I was with the toddler on my own. I was surprised at how many people opted to travel. It was cold and rainy most days but we tried to take the opportunity to go outside whenever we could. Any pocket of time when it was tolerable to be outside we went out: we saw trees, we went to see animals, found parks, went to see some lights, and rode bikes outside. When we were stuck indoors we made cookies, played with toys, did puzzles, discovered play-dough, played music, trashed then cleaned the playroom more times than I can count, and had several occasions of screen time.

I love spending time with him. It was hard but I love every minute with him, watching him grow and learn and explore and test boundaries. Entertaining a toddler is challenging and exhausting, and I understand why preschool is so expensive. A week into break our routine is totally out the window. I was thinking of taking some time to potty train but I don't know if that will happen.

***

I reviewed my list of goals for 2021. I completed 3/5 things I wrote down. I didn't get to my goal weight or meet my fitness goal, but to be fair I also put no effort into either. Oops.

I wrote a lot more things on my list for 2022. Some are just things I want to be able to afford; others are financial goals. Some other things on there too like trying to figure out a balance between confidence and humility.

***

This blog is 5 years old. It's been a source of comfort and clarity so many times over the years, and the information chronicled here has definitely come in handy.

 
***

Wishing us all a very happy, healthy, and safe 2022. Sending lots of love and strength to anyone who  needs it. You're not alone.

Incident

Mornings can be hectic or calm, depending on how much prep I did the night before. On this particular lazy morning I was taking things a bit slow. It was the last day of school and work before winter break; I'd had consecutive early mornings the two days prior; and the boy was happily watching some toddler thing while practicing removing his socks. I was getting dressed while talking to a friend on the phone. We were wrapping up the conversation when I got an alert on my phone: a reminder for a meeting starting in 10 minutes that I had forgotten about. We quickly gather our things, locate the missing socks, get feet in shoes, and are out the door. 

We have a fairly short commute and while I was in a rush, I was not speeding. About halfway to our destination, we're almost hit by another car. I was able to swerve out of the way, honk extremely angrily, and be on our way. I was going straight and someone from the other direction was trying to turn right, across from me. The sun was behind me so it's possible there was glare? Or they're a terrible driver? Or distracted? Any of this is possible; I didn't stick around to find out. I just know I had the right of way and am extremely grateful that there wasn't more to that story. 

This was followed shortly by a simple drop off and scramble to get to my desk in time for my meeting. I was only a minute behind, and the meeting was on zoom. So I feel like there's a grace period of about 5 minutes anyway. 

As I'm settling in, putting my stuff in drawers as my computer boots up, my head is down. When I raise my eyes, a coworker had stuck her head in between the wall and my partition, locked eyes, and said, "Boo!" Maybe it was supposed to be funny or goofy. In my mind, rushing from the morning's adrenaline and with my head focused on the task of logging into that zoom meeting, it caught me completely off guard and FREAKED. ME. OUT.  I was so surprised and startled that I couldn't breathe. I didn't know it at the time, but it basically triggered a panic attack. I was silently dry heaving, trying to get air. Meanwhile this coworker looks away to someone else and says, "Oh she loves when I do that haha," not realizing I was in distress. I finally get some air and start sobbing. Just full-on ugly crying and heaving huge gulps of air. People start coming over and I'm trying to tell them to go away because I need space, and I'm not wearing my mask, and I still have this meeting! Someone gets me water and I shoo everyone away to log in. I'm only 3 minutes late to the meeting and it turns out I was first.

Throughout the meeting I kept my mic on mute and tried to take deep breaths. Occasionally I stopped the video to wipe tears and blow my nose. For the most part, and thanks to some low-light filters, no one could tell my face was blotchy. An hour later the meeting was wrapping up and I still wasn't anywhere close to calming down. Every time I thought about it, I would start to tear up again. Clearly in a fragile place. The meeting ended and I left the office. As I was walking out, the offending coworker was like, "Oh please don't be mad!" and I responded: I'm not mad, I just don't feel well. Still crying.

I went home to check my blood pressure. It was pretty high at 150/100. I tried to relax and checked it again - it was fluctuating but still high. Every time I thought about the morning again I got wound up and started to cry again. I debated whether to call the doctor. I knew there was nothing physically wrong but I was having a hard time calming down and it was concerning enough to keep my bp up. I knew I would sound dumb on the phone trying to explain it. I gave it a little more time and then called. They said to come in. They were so busy that I was in the waiting room for about 45 min before they called me back. That may have also been intentional to give my bp time to get back to normal. 

Thankfully, by the time I saw the doctor on rotation, blood pressure was fine. They checked out baby's hb and all sounded ok. I'm so glad they squeezed me in and I appreciate that they didn't make me feel stupid for coming in. I knew it was a waste of time but I wasn't able to calm down on my own at home and the reassurance was calming. 

Because it was a busy day, being the last one in office before break, I went back to work. That coworker kept trying to make it about herself and I just cut it. 

"Do you not want to talk to me?" No, I'm not ready. I'd rather just put it behind us. 

"Well can I ask a work question?" Sigh. Sure. Comes over, asks work question, then starts going into it. and I cut it short again - I'd really rather just put it behind us. 

Then I put a barrier between our desks so I wouldn't have to see her face. Maybe I was mad. Maybe I was just trying to get through the day without triggering tears again. Before she left for the day she came over again and I was thinking that she's just not going to let this go if I don't get through it. She said her piece, I told her to please not do it again - I don't enjoy surprises in general - and have told her not to do that particular thing in the past. She apologized profusely, said "I never would have done it if I had known you'd react that way." Well no duh. Whatever, over it. Will need time to forgive.

It was the first time for me experiencing something like that - where I couldn't get enough oxygen and just feel the wind knocked out. It also possible that the other pieces of the morning contributed to it and had the sequence of events been different, that wouldn't have affected me as strongly. It started with the smaller fear of being unable to breathe and then escalated to a bigger fear of 'is my baby ok?' when I realized I wasn't breathing. The whole thing was seconds long but in your mind it feels like forever. 

When discussing the incident with my husband I remembered that at 19w last time I also had an incident where I tripped on a loose brick during a family bbq. I fell with a glass bowl in my hand which shattered and got shards in my fingers. Good times.

19w+

I started feeling movement at 18 weeks. They said I'd be able to feel it sooner with this one because I would know what to look for. I think it might be because this one is a lot more active. At my last appointment I was down 5 lbs.

***

Here we are again with another surge. I'm sad and upset that we're back here. It's been so long of the same story. There seems no end in sight. We were close. We saw some light at the end of the tunnel. Things were going "back to normal" but with some differences. We were willing to put up with them because it was nearly normal. But now things are shutting down again. For me it was the NY Rockettes canceling the rest of their season that really hit me hard. Not that I had any plans to see it live or be in New York, but the shutting down of an iconic show during its busiest season was reminiscent of the darkest days of the lockdowns.

On the flip side there are the anti-vaxxers who are just not understanding that they're part of the problem. They're in shock that this is still a thing in the media and that the govt is pushing on everyone. I can't understand where they went so wrong in their education; where they went wrong in their way of thinking. I believe they think the same way about vaccinated people. I don't know what needs to happen to fix it. When everything feels so out of control, I have to remember that this is all up to Him and we never had any control at all.

At this point we're basically mitigating risk tolerance; weighing the benefits of the activity vs risk of exposure. School is a priority for everyone's benefit and mental health, so we send him with a mask and a prayer. Playdates outside of his regular circle of friends are out of the question. Playdates otherwise? Not sure. Unnecessary indoor activities are off limits. Outdoor activities are fine but because it's so cold those are far and few between. We try to take advantage of outdoor time that isn't freezing cold or pitch black by 5 pm - there are about 15 min of that every third day. I know it's a challenging time for everyone.

***

I got myself a present that brings me a lot of joy. A few years back I started taking pottery classes and really enjoyed them. At the time I did some research online and found several potters I started following on social media. When I got pregnant I had to stop because the spinning wheel made me dizzy. I hope to pick it up again someday soon but in the meantime I kept following the potters online to pick up tips and techniques and see their beautiful art. I recently purchased a [very expensive] mug from one of them and I absolutely love it. I saved it for my first warm drink on Shabbat and have been using it since for everything. It just makes me happy and I'm glad I splurged.

***

Happy holidays to all who celebrate. I hope 2022 is a good year for us all.

Smooth

It felt like November took about six months. We started Nov out at a new school. Thanksgiving was really nice. We even started Chanukah. I had another appointment at the obgyn and we settled on a due date. The RE calculates it based on the transfer date but the ob likes to go by lmp. It's only a five day difference.

The 15 week appointment was relatively quick and uneventful, thankfully, only made longer because the office is still missing a person to draw blood so I had to wait for them to decide if a medical assistant was going to attempt or if I should go to a separate lab. I volunteered to go to another lab. I don't need to be anyone's experiment for the day, especially if they're not confident.

There is a lot more time and space between appointments this time around. It's such a back-burner situation compared to the all-encompassing experience of the last one. No complaints. That's fine with me. I'm grateful it's been smooth. There are more aches and pains this time around (jaw? hip? why do those hurt?). My sleeping is different. My pallet still hasn't figured itself out. I'm more distracted by everything else going on to harp on the little things. I still won't go to a nail salon, though. Working on that superstition. 

I sent a gift basket to our RE for Thanksgiving. I don't think we sent anything last time because she was on maternity leave and then I was and then the world shut down and I lost track of things. I can't begin to describe my level of gratitude to her and while anything I gift her or say feels inadequate, it's better than nothing. 

The toddler has a cough. He had a cold a few weeks ago, never any fever, and even after the cold cleared up the cough stayed. I know that's normal for toddlers but I don't like it. We all got negative PCR tests before our small family Thanksgiving gathering. Today I decided it might be time to check in with the ped so waiting to get a call back. I know I'm a worrier but I don't care. The world is scary and I'd rather get told that I wasted time calling and reassurance that this will clear up rather than worry that something is being left untreated. 

I had a conversation at work about my salary. I presented my case for a significant increase. I asked for a 15% raise and got 4%. Better than nothing. At the end of the meeting I shared the news. They don't know yet that I will be advocating for a longer maternity leave and working from home flexibility. I didn't like having to put my 11-week old in daycare last time and I'd like to avoid that if I can. I'll leave that conversation for another time. 

Anxiety

This morning was unusually chaotic and it set the tone for the rest of my day.

I read a post about childhood cancer and got into my own head.

I also put the finishing touches on a photo album I've been working on (trying to get one per year). Going through the photos reminded me how isolated and alone we were last year and I felt very triggered, if that's even the right word for it.

In my excitement for the short upcoming week, I thought back to different years Thanksgivings. In the past this was my absolute favorite week of the year. When we started treatment there were some incidents that happened right around Thanksgiving that kind of soured me on it. I don't feel like going through the posts to link back.

While I'm in a different space now, I'm still worried. Anxiety is anxiety, rational or otherwise.

My next appointment is scheduled for next week, purposely after Thanksgiving.

Over 12 weeks

Having a frustrating day. When thinking through who I want to vent to I decided writing was my best option at this point while I figure things out.

The day started with a fight with my husband. I asked him to do something; he forgot; I overreacted; words were exchanged. It happens. Started the day on a sour note. Then a meeting I was looking forward to got postponed. I was supposed to talk to my supervisor about reconsidering my compensation. Having been on a couple interviews, seeing salaries of other employees in similar roles, and doing some market research, I've concluded I should be getting at least 20% more. I'd even settle for half that raise, especially with all the expenses coming up.

My salary was cut during the pandemic and over the summer brought back to where I was two years ago. I wanted to discuss an actual raise and was told to follow up in November. Today was the scheduled meeting and I was told it's "too early to discuss." Why? Because the budget hasn't been set yet. DUH. We were supposed to meet before the budget is set so that it could be worked into it. It wasn't even an email or letting me know in advance. I showed up with my folder full of research and info and was told it's not happening.

I'm so frustrated. It's such a power play and it makes me feel resentful. In all the ways I saw this going (and I played it out several times in my mind while rehearsing), the scenario of getting completely blown off didn't even cross my mind. I came prepared and was psyched to discuss the value I bring to the team and just felt very deflated. I wasn't going to discuss maternity leave today but I definitely have an idea about that as well. The short version is that there's no reason I need to come back full time to the office at 12 weeks postpartum when I've proven I can be an effective employee at home. More on that in another post.

In the meantime, I'm trying to figure out if it's worth sending an email or putting anything in writing about being disappointed about the meeting being postponed. It's not my style to lie and say I have other offers - that also never works if you're not actually willing to walk away. But I wish I had some leverage. I'm not going to quit and deplete our savings. Even starting a new job at this point doesn't guarantee maternity leave (paid or otherwise). Feeling disappointed and stuck.

****

In other news, ten week OB appointment went fine. Took a while, as expected. Since blood pressure is currently ok I only need to go in every 4 weeks. Thyroid is at goal; only baby aspirin and prenatal for now.

We told parents last week and siblings yesterday. Working on figuring out how to break the news to close friends and work. Last time it felt really important to do it in person. This time around I'm trying to figure out why I'm conflicted about using zoom or a text. 

I'm falling asleep by 8 pm some nights, just can't keep my eyes open anymore. It's part of the reason I haven't had time to update. Sunrise to bedtime my hands are occupied trying to get everything around the house done while juggling a curious and energetic toddler. By the time he goes to bed I'm just done and I fall asleep shortly after.  Nausea is still constantly there. The scale has moved down by half a lb in about two weeks but I feel bloated and huge. Minor inconveniences. Grateful to be in this position.

Someday

I'm at a 4/10 level nauseous as a baseline all the time. When I wake up it's at 10/10. I started keeping an emergency cheerios stash next to my bed and power through eating 3-4 before standing up. Some days I can get to breakfast before the cheerios are rejected. Some days when I get breakfast down (eggs are usually the only thing tolerated) in time then I can manage the nausea until about 11. Most days it's just constantly there. Laying down helps but I don't have that option all the time. I know every pregnancy is different. Last time the nausea miraculously went away for the most part by 13 weeks. On the other hand I don't remember it being this bad back then. I'm down 8 lbs from transfer day. No energy after 8 pm and usually asleep by 9 most nights these days.

I saw an ad for a Van Gogh exhibit nearby which looked really cool. It made me think that there's hope for a post-pandemic world where we can go out and do things. I know it's too soon because I'm hearing of a lot of cases from asymptomatic kids, breakthrough vaccinated adults, complications for vaccinated adults. I don't know what the answer is to end this pandemic but I'm really tired of it. I'm so done with the fear and anxiety. I've been on high alert for so long that I can't anymore. I'm feeling mentally and physically exhausted all the time.... but letting our guard down is not an option. It doesn't matter that I'm triple vaxxed and masked anywhere I go - our tiny person is unvaccinated and is too young to mask properly. So we carry on being as careful as we can and praying we get through this with mind and body in tact.

Gross

I've been feeling gross. I wake up nauseous. I go to bed exhausted and nauseous, usually asleep by 9 pm most evenings. Everything is gross. Coffee is gross - I've been putting a quarter teaspoon for the color in my hot water/milk mug and it's still too acidic. Plain water makes me throw up. Colors and sounds make me nauseous. My clothes bother me. I feel bloated and uncomfortable all the time. I don't remember this part, or maybe it wasn't as bad.

The temp regulator in my office is broken so we've been shivering for the past week. When I turn on my heater it makes me gag. Adding a sweater makes me itchy. So I sit and type with numb fingers and take a walk every so often to defrost my blood. 

The clinic bases due date based off the transfer date and the OB bases it off of LMP, so there's about a week difference. Based on that, measuring right on target. I had my last scan at the clinic and released to my OB. Appointment scheduled for the end of this month. #blessed

What day is it?

It feels like there hasn't been a spare moment to sit and think. I've been trying to hold on to everything so that I can process when I have a minute to breathe. I can barely keep track of the days of the week, let alone wrap my mind around it being October. 

FET update: done three labs confirming doubling beta. One scan down, one scan to go before they release to OB. Crinone continues through 10 weeks. First scan we saw the flickering of a heartbeat. [Side thought: If I was in Texas and if this was an unwanted pregnancy, it would already be too late for an abortion. Not even a few weeks from when I actually got pregnant. Mind boggling.] In true second child fashion, all of this incredible news took a back seat to everything else going on.

Our little guy had a respiratory situation. It started with a cough he got at daycare. Progressed to include a runny nose and wheezing. Tested negative for covid. We know RSV was going around school so even though he never officially tested for it, because treatment would be the same, that's what I assume it was. Between telehealth, peds, and urgent peds appointments and follow up phone calls, we finally got something that worked. He was put on steroids which helped clear his lungs. It was very scary for a minute because if that had not helped the next step was the emergency room. Scary on its own; terrifying during a pandemic when case numbers are STILL going up. Cough will still take some time to go away completely.

Between all those appointments we had the holidays. So much prep and so much cooking. I am completely burned out. I can't think about shopping, menu planning, cooking, or looking at food. The holidays landed in the middle of the week and then shabbat followed shortly after. There was just no time to recover and clean up from one when there was another coming right up. This repeated for a month. We were mainly home on our own. We are still not socializing regularly, so there was a limited number of people we could see. There seems to be an outbreak in our community of covid so it was a lot of keeping him from others so he doesn't cough on them and they don't infect him. 

Above all that we had to work, trying to cram full weeks of work into truncated days. With no down time and feeling exhausted and crummy it's been a very hectic month. 

Grateful and happy. Ready to get into some new routine. 

Don't understand

I don't understand. I want to understand but I just can't wrap my mind around it. Why are people fighting SO HARD against masks and vaccines? They would rather inject themselves with worm medication intended for animals rather than accept the science and get the tried-and-tested HUMAN vaccine.  

 "We have been patient, but our patience is wearing thin. And your refusal has cost all of us." - President Joe Biden, September 9, 2021

Those words: your refusal has cost all of us. Your refusal is making my life more difficult. Your refusal means that case numbers are still going up and that I can't travel freely to visit family and friends. Your refusal means my son has never been in a grocery store or normal shul service. Your refusal is prolonging this pandemic for everyone! Your freedom is not more important than everyone's safety. People inject ink under their skin and drink alcohol until their liver explodes but won't take a medication that will end this pandemic. If you don't want your shot - fine - it's your choice to get sick, but stay out of the hospitals. Go live in the woods where you're not posing a threat to anyone else. You don't want to wear a mask? Fine, stay home. If you live in society you need to play by the rules and the rules are that you can't harm other people with your poor choices. 

On the flip side, Texas abortion laws. Where's the outrage there? Where's the protest and vitriol we've seen, like from people on airplanes refusing to wear a mask? The anti-abortion laws don't even understand basic biology (saying a woman has six weeks to decide, where most women aren't even pregnant weeks 1-3 because dating is based on LMP).

It's become a judgement point for me. I'm having a hard time maintaining relationships with people whose mindset is so different than mine. It started with the Trump era but I chalked it up to "different politics" and avoided the topic. This topic is not avoidable. If you're not vaccinated I won't bring my son in the same room with you. If you refuse to vaccinate your 12+ aged kids, you're putting them at risk and I can't wrap my mind around that parenting choice. I don't understand. 

Help me understand. Is there a reasoning I'm missing? Is there a message I can share that will help spread more correct information and get people on board? What is it? What's the trick to helping me understand them so that they can understand me? I don't agree with forcing anyone to do something so outside their comfort zone but what are the other options?

Rosh Hashanah 5782 - 2nd COVID new year

This time last year we were in shock that it was six months later from the start of the pandemic and we're still dealing with it. Everyone did Rosh Hashanah on their own. It didn't even occur to me that there may be more new years we'd be spending in a pandemic. 

Fast forward a year. We planned a small gathering for the first night. Considering the rising infection rates, one family decided it was too risky to travel. Another family had a member with fever and, even though everyone tested negative for COVID, they backed out too. I hope we have more opportunities for future gatherings all together soon. My husband went to an outdoor service and we stayed home.

The night before RH I got an urgent call around bedtime. "Get dressed, I'm coming to pick you up." Turns out a local COVID vaccine clinic was nearing the end of the day and there were several doses still left that were about to be tossed. It was posted in a public group, first come first serve, for anyone to claim. First, second... or third doses. I didn't hesitate and got the shot. Part of me remembered about pupo status and for a minute considered texting my doctor. But after following all the information online about the safety of the vaccines and the ACOG recommendations that anyone pregnant or TTC should get them, I was confident I was doing the right thing for my safety. Protecting me means protecting any potential occupant, knowing that getting covid while pregnant raises the risk significantly to both. 

Over the holiday I read a potty training book. Today I bought a potty. And while I was shopping online, also got some pee sticks. I've lasted this long without testing, maybe I can hold out. Lot of cramping and bloating, very uncomfortably so. I thought maybe it's a UTI but I tested for that and it came back negative so not sure what's going on but I also got more UTI strips. Pee everywhere.

FET 8: CD 28, 3dp

Only one symptom: cramping. Ongoing since transfer. Started before I started the crinone on cd 26. On Saturday we were walking home and it got more intense. I took a few breaks going uphill and then rested when I got home. Trying to stay hydrated. Getting ready for the holidays is keeping me occupied and my mind off the what ifs. 

I don't have any pee sticks. I may have learned my lesson with the mind games they cause and didn't restock after the last round. Instead, we're running around town looking for other tests: covid testing kits are once again in short supply. We're trying to test the group before gathering for the holiday and it's proving difficult to find kits. I went to two walgreens, a cvs, and a rite aid and got one kit. Others have found similar results. I don't understand why test kits are this difficult to find 18 months after the start of the pandemic. This, along with the new Texas abortion laws, makes me wonder if I should reconsider living in this country.

Watching the Netflix documentary "Turning Point: 9/11 and the war on terror." I was in high school when it happened and remember all the details from my point of view. Over the years I watched a lot of footage about other people's point of view of the same day. Hours and hours of documentaries and personal stories. Maybe it's that I remember witnessing the event, or that I know a world before 9/11, or that I'm still in disbelief that it actually happened. Regardless of the reason, I will watch anything new that comes out (minus the conspiracy theories - watched enough to know it's not for me).

Among several other dishes, my Rosh Hashanah menu includes a delicious vegetarian mock liver (basically an eggplant dip), some sweet and sour meatballs, and so much challah. 

Happy 5782! Wishing health, happiness, success, and peace to all. 

FET 8: Transfer day

I signed all the consent forms electronically ahead of time. Due to COVID protocols, my husband was not allowed to hang out with me in the waiting booth this time. They made him stay in the main waiting area until I was taken to the OR and then he was escorted in. I'm glad he was able to come at all since in this new world that's not at all a given.

They asked me to come in an hour before my scheduled procedure. While I waited and sipped water to get my bladder nice and full, I heard the other patients being wheeled to recovery from their procedures. One lady just beyond my curtain was coming out of an egg retrieval. She got 19 eggs and sounded like she was in a lot of pain. At one point while getting dressed she dropped her phone on the floor. Instinctively I reached out to get it then remembered the invisible privacy barrier between those curtain dividers. We're supposed to pretend we can't hear all the TMI happening just inches away. I called out asking her if she wants me to pick up the phone, and she responded, "Yes please" almost in tears. A nurse got to it before me and helped the patient. I'm sorry for how much pain she's in now. More sorry for her knowing the pain will be uncomfortable the next 3-5 days before she starts feeling better. I wanted to share with her all the tips and tricks I've learned over the years from going through multiple IVF cycles, at the very least remind her to snack on salty foods and stay hydrated no matter how much it hurts to pee. But not only was she not in the place to hear it - she was still very out of it and asking questions on repeat - she was also on her own journey. Maybe today is her hard day and tomorrow she'll bounce right back. Why should I scare her with how long it took me to recover. It's so individualized. 

Back to my story, my official weigh in this morning was 3.2 lbs higher than the last transfer. Different this time was also that in the waiting booth I just got a chair, not a bed. And I walked to the OR instead of getting wheeled in. Almost as though they didn't want to go through cleaning another bed in the COVID era. Two female doctors ran the procedure, with one female embryologist. The whole thing took about 10 minutes, which included the adjustment of the legs and instruments. 

We feel blessed to be in a position to be able to try again. Feels really lucky that it landed on a week day, not on shabbat or holiday, and that daycare is open and available (not a given considering the recent weather event and all the COVID protocols). 

The embryo they transferred was categorized as B/B, frozen as A/A. We're hoping for the best and I'm trying to tame my superstitions. For example, the doctor offered me a photo of the embryo. I have one from every transfer except the last one that was successful. I wanted the photo but was worried that taking it might "jinx" things. Logically I know there isn't any connection. But those are hard rooted and ingrained deep from years of failure. 

We left and picked up brunch, ran a few errands for the upcoming holiday, then both went back to work. Business as usual. Over brunch we chatted about the morning and discussed the lady in the booth near mine in pain from her retrieval. The conversation shifted to what-if scenarios and he asked if I would consider doing another retrieval if things came to that. I can't say for sure at this point, but I really hope I won't need to. We tabled the discussion to focus on the here and now. One day at a time. Our job now is to wait.

FET 8: CD 18

I've gone in three times this week for monitoring. Yesterday took the longest, by far. Luckily my lead follicle went from 16.6 to 19 mm overnight to make up for the ridiculous wait and I was able to trigger. Transfer is next week and even though they haven't given me the official time "because the OR schedule hasn't come out" yet, I already know since it's an exact number of hours from the trigger based on my last ERA. 

As the excitement builds so does the anxiety. On one hand it feels necessary to protect my heart by not putting too much hope into the transfer. On the other hand I know it will be crushing if it fails regardless of how many safeguards I try to put in place. I'm cautious about being hopeful and at the same time I want to live in the moment.

FET 8: CD 13

 Monitoring uneventful this morning, which in itself is an event. The waiting room was the most crowded I've seen it recently. 

As the tech was setting up, she mentioned an old ultrasound in my file and we chatted about our sons who are around the same age. She shared some tips on where to get some good fall outfits. As I got ready for the doctor I thought about the completely different mindset I have in the waiting rooms these days, compared to pre-2019 before we were successful. The days of repeated losses and sinking hope were very dark. They cast a shadow on every part of my life.

In my mind the current clinic is a place of hope and happiness. I wouldn't go so far as saying that I look forward to the appointments because they are inconvenient and expensive and invasive, but I don't dread them as much as I did in the first clinic. My doctor cares more and it gives the entire experience a different meaning. I hope the positive feelings continue. 

My heart hurts at what's happening in Afghanistan. 

I'm too tired to write more or organize my thoughts or even read this over but I wanted to get this in before the weekend. Shabbat shalom!

FET 8: CD 9

Started the probiotics on Saturday night. It's a 6 day dose so it will be done by the next monitoring appointment.

I took our boy to see some farm animals. Not a lot of people but others with toddlers were there - great outdoor pandemic-friendly activity. I left the stroller in the car to give him a chance to run around and burn some energy. There was a stretch of area between the chickens and the horses covered in gravel and as interesting as the animals were, it's nothing compared to rocks. I let him play with rocks up until he started aiming to taste them - some ick factor but mainly choking hazard. So the next stretch of rocks I carried him. I know I'm carrying a little extra weight and it's even though it's only 8 lbs more than my pre-pregnancy weight, I know it's distributed differently. I was also wearing a fanny pack to be able to have my hands free for such things as catching a rock before it goes down the hatch... A grandmother chasing her own toddler in the rock area saw me as I carried my son and asked if I'm also expecting. I laughed it off and said no. I think she meant it as it's so hot and you're carrying a big boy and if you're also expecting, hats off to you. It didn't bother me immediately but as I thought more about it (my first mistake) it got to me. Later it got me thinking about what I would have said if it was post transfer and I was pupo. Or if it was a confirmed pregnancy but not far enough to be sharing. Lie? Does that jinx it?

We are in the hurry-up-and-wait part of the cycle. As we get closer I feel myself getting more anxious. Part of me is preparing for disappointment because the transfer could fail. Thankfully things are busy and this isn't the only thing on my mind so I'm not grinding all the possible scenarios. I'm on fewer medications this time (no thyroid meds, no blood pressure meds) and so I have to remind myself to take the ones I am on (baby aspirin, prenatal) because it's just not on my mind as much.

I think deep down I was expecting for something to delay this transfer. First it was finances, then it was the probiotics. I could tell them I want to wait to try to lose weight; but I had over a year to lose weight - if it was going to happen it would have. I'm just scared. On one hand I absolutely loved being pregnant. I felt my best physically during that time, even if I was an anxious mess most of it. I absolutely want more children and I am thrilled to have the chance to try again. On the other hand, I'm worried about becoming that anxious mess again. I'm scared of the what-if's, knowing that each pregnancy is its own adventure and anything could happen. I don't know what's going to happen with this pandemic or how it will play out - how do I know that my vaccinations are even still effective without testing for antibodies regularly? Going in for doctors appointments or even potential hospitalization for whatever reasons... what will happen with my family? How can I leave my boy, even if it's for a short hospital visit to have a baby?

I think these are normal thoughts people have and I know I'm not the first one to come up with them. I also know that I don't want the fear of the unknown to get in the way of the good parts of life. We move forward, have faith, and hope for the best. Also eff that lady.

FET 8 prep

In getting ready for a cycle again there were so many forms and checklists to take care of before we could be cleared to start. In one case, as we were nearing the finish line of the marathon of tasks that needed to get done, I noticed a discrepancy. On a final checklist we were supposed to both sign as the intended parents, it had a summary of the protocol we are about to do. The error was in the timing of when my lining is receptive. The number of hours looked off - close to 6 days - when I know for a fact that my ERA results said I need at least 7 days. 

I took out my notes from 2019 and confirmed that I'm right. Then I went back to the blog post where I wrote even more notes, and confirmed again. I contacted the clinic and was told that this is what is in the protocol, but that they'll check with my doctor. Less than an hour later I got a call from my doctor apologizing profusely. It was indeed an error. After the recent ERA mishap, my guard is up and I feel the need to scrutinize everything. It looks like my feelings are justified. There is little else that is really a huge mistake in protocol other than transferring an embryo to a lining known to be pre-receptive. I'm so glad we caught the error now but it worries me to think what else we missed. 

**Lesson 1: Always keep notes

**Lesson 2: Always speak up

In the conversation we went over the protocol again in trying to repeat the 2019 protocol that worked with FET 7. Turns out there was another step missed: I never took the vaginal probiotic. That mistake was on me. I didn't realize it needed to be in the cycle before the transfer cycle. The doctor mentioned it in one of our conversations and then it just slipped my mind. In her opinion that was a deal breaker and she recommended delaying the transfer to do the probiotic this cycle. So... delay? My mind was going 100 miles an hour trying to figure things out. I was very disappointed but not at all unsure about avoiding a gamble with an embryo's success rate. This conversation was happening in the late afternoon while a certain toddler was very eager to go play outside, in the 100 degree heat, and had no patience for this phone call. Meanwhile the doctor was saying, I'm going to look a few things up, give me a minute. So I asked if she wants to call me back and we agreed she would. 

A few minutes later, the scene was completely different. My husband had finished work and took the toddler outside. I sat in the quiet, air-conditioned living room with a paper and pen, ready to figure out our strategy. I felt calm and collected: if this is what needs to happen to give our embryo the best chance possible, then that's what we'll do. No tears; just facts. The doctor calls back as promised. Figured out a timeline. Based on my long cycles we'll do the probiotic as soon as my period is over. If my cycle goes as planned, there will be time. If, for some reason, I ovulate weird then the cycle is scrapped anyway. In either case, it's a go. 

Went in this morning for baseline monitoring. Here we go. 

Womp womp

It took a month for the lab to tell us that there was not enough sample to run the ERA test.

I'm very frustrated. It shouldn't have taken a month to get us that information and we shouldn't have had to run after them for results. There were several mistakes along the way, starting with the original paperwork that didn't check off enough boxes. I remember that painful biopsy and my eyes hurt. Memories of pain or tears of frustration? Some of both.

My doctor is comfortable moving forward with the information we have. I'm scared and worried but I need to place my trust somewhere. What better place than with the doctor who helped us the last time around. I also remind myself that frozen embryos are not babies. Delaying a transfer because we're worried about the outcome doesn't give them a chance. I could biopsy my uterus another year of cycles and I'm not guaranteed to get better or different results. Ultimately there's only so much we can do and after we put in our best effort and do everything in our power, it is up to Him whether the embryo will stick, thrive, grow, and result in a healthy baby.

_ . _ . _ . _ . _

I turned down the job. It wasn't the right fit for me. I know it was the right decision because after that conversation I felt relief, no regret. I'm glad to have had that experience because it sharpened my interview skills and clarified my priorities. There is fear in change but when it's commingled with excitement then you know there's something to it. I'm not sure of the path going forward but I now know I'm more open to change than I originally thought.

_ . _ . _ . _ . _

An old filling needed to be replaced. It took about 20 minutes but I got 3 hours of a numb lip which, in my opinion, is the worst part. Once my tongue was no longer numb I felt a sharp edge. I tried to floss it away. Tried to reason that it will likely smooth out on its own. But after 24 hrs of it bothering me (my tongue keeps going back to check if it's still there - yep, still sharp), I called the dentist for an adjustment. They squeezed me in 45 min before closing with a full waiting room. The dentist couldn't feel what I feel so kept randomly polishing in a variety of angles and no matter how much I tried to explain the location, he wasn't understanding. I could tell he was getting impatient. He said, try that see how it feels. 

What I should have said: "I understand that you're busy and have other patients waiting, and I appreciate that you fit me into the schedule today. It's still bothering me though and I need your help to fix the problem. Can we start by isolating the area to see if we can get on the same page so you know where to smooth it out?" 

Instead, I said: "Okay" and left. And now I'm embarrassed and mad at myself that I didn't push it. It will probably bother me all weekend and I'll call back on Monday and waste more time on it because it should get fixed.

I will likely be looking for a new dentist.

_ . _ . _ . _ . _

I hate that case numbers are going back up. I hate that protections against the virus, like vaccinations and mask-wearing, have become so politicized that people are fighting against them. I recognize people are worried and want to exercise some control in a situation that feels very much out of control. I also recognize that there is so much misinformation circling that it can be difficult to make sense of it. Just because it is 100% clear to me that the vaccines are safe and effective doesn't mean that someone else will take my word for it, or the word of top leading experts, or their own doctors. I think incentivizing people won't work; it's only when things become inconvenient for them (like when work or school mandates it, or it will be a requirement for concerts and events) that more people on the fence will get vaccinated. 

My friend on maternity leave gave notice. She gave birth in June and was supposed to be back to work in a few weeks but because of the virus she decided to stay home with the baby. She is worried about sending her child to daycare with what's happening in the world. Being fortunate enough to be in a position to have that choice is the dream. I love that for her and hope she enjoys time home with baby as much as I did. 

What do I want?

A recruiter contacted me on LinkedIn regarding a job opening. It's not a job I would have applied for, but now that it basically fell in my lap I feel like I should consider it. There are a lot of pros to the position and some drawbacks. I know no position is ever going to be perfect, but even with all my complaining about my current job I've grown roots where I am now and I'm finding it very challenging to cut ties. 

In my mind I go back and forth: if an official offer were presented, would I take it or would I not? If I'm not taking it, I need to tell the recruiter now and stop wasting people's time with interviews. 

It started with messages back and forth with the recruiter, followed up with a phone screening, then a zoom meeting with multiple people, then an in person meeting 1:1. Now they want me to meet the next level people and I only have a hazy idea of what the compensation package includes. 

If I'm not sure maybe I should hear more, but is that leading them on. Waiting until I get an offer and then using that as leverage at my current position feels deceitful and could backfire. In fact I would only tell my current employer about it if I was genuinely ready to accept. There's no graceful way to tell your employer that you're looking without them taking it poorly, is there? Even if they give me more money, there's not much they can do about the other things that I'd want to change like boredom and limited growth opportunities. 

Last night I was so tired of discussing it that I just put my phone away and went to sleep at 9 pm. I spoke with several people close to me, including my husband. Throughout the course of the conversations it was clear that I don't know what is my priority: is it about a higher salary? Is it about flexibility? Is it about growth? Is it looking for a new challenge? What do I want? What is the most important thing to me? 

I tried thinking about it in terms of how a man might see this. A man might not hesitate to cut ties with a current employer. A man wouldn't worry about "wasting people's time" with interviews. A man might not even hesitate to take a new job and then keep looking for something even better. But a man doesn't need to think through appointments trying to get pregnant, then pregnancy and maternity leave.

Even though I'm generally decisive and assertive, there are limitations to my job hunt that I know are significant enough to make me think twice. For starters, if I want to stay in the student loan forgiveness program I'm limited to government or non-profit jobs for the next several years. If I'm limited to where I can look, should I just wait until it's forgiven before trying to make a move?

Am I holding myself back, yet again, unnecessarily? Am I not allowing myself to be excited about this opportunity because of fear of change, or should I listen to my gut telling me that this isn't the right move? I don't know.

Thinking through my priorities, I know that my number one priority has been trying to grow our family. That remains my priority. I don't regret the choices I made until now to help that priority along. That said, I don't think I need to give it as much oxygen as I used to. In other words, other employers have dealt with pregnant employees and maternity leave and parents with kids who need to be picked up from school - all that is just life. Everyone wants flexibility. So knowing that ttc is my personal priority, what is my next career move?

Uneasy

Usually after Tisha B'Av I feel a sense of relief and like a weight being lifted along with the mourning restrictions. This year I didn't feel that relief and for a few days after there was a lingering uneasiness. So what's contributing? 

1. Instagram is a big part of it. Vacations everywhere. It seems like everyone in my newsfeed, and life orbit in general, has gotten the memo that the pandemic is over and they are traveling. Beaches, toes in the sand, speed boats, beautiful exotic locations, swimming with dolphins, spa treatments, indoor dining (!), concerts, and more. 

I know that I can hop on a plane and have just as much of a vacation. If we wanted to spend the money and make it work, we can. But I feel like it's still too pandemic-y to do that. Am I the only one who's hearing about the variants and spike in cases? Why does no one else seem to care? Is everyone else vacationing and making memories on account of the rest of us paying for it later with new fall restrictions? 

2. Upcoming FET. I'm anxious. I don't feel physically ready. I would have liked to be where I was last transfer, weight-wise. I'm a few pounds away and maybe if I went on a restrictive diet I'd get there in time, but I'm just not in the mindset. I nearly bought a $2,000 exercise bike that seems to be all the rage these days but I caught myself before going through with it. I don't need another laundry rack. Beside that, I'm worried about getting back on the emotional and mental roller coaster. 

3. Work. Last year they cut everyone's salary due to the pandemic. This year, instead of a raise, I got back what was cut. On one hand I'm so grateful to be employed, and I'm grateful to get back what was cut. On the other hand, it feels like I worked so hard for the raise in the first place and I'm now two years behind in advancing my income. I'm conflicted between being grateful for what I have and being bitter for what was lost. 

I've tried to articulate my frustration about this but people in my life see it as very black and white: if you don't like your job just leave. If you don't leave, stop complaining. I know those are options, but it's not that clear cut. I love parts of my job and there is an aspect of "golden handcuffs" with some of the non-salary perks. There is also a major shift coming in the next year as well as in the five-year forecast. With my student loan forgiveness program also on the line, there is a lot more to consider than just immediate salary concerns. It's complicated. Do I risk the stability of a job around the same time I'm trying to get pregnant again?

So all this is weighing on my mind. 

For over 10 years we were married and didn't have children. As much as we wanted to visit places we never felt that we had the vacation time or money. We were also in various stages of treatment and zika hit right in the middle of all of it. I want to change our scenery (responsibly) but it always feels like there's something holding us back. I don't regret prioritizing fertility treatment. Maybe when we're done this TTC chapter we may have more freedom but a lot more expenses. I'm looking forward to family vacations and traveling to new places. In a few years my PSLF won't be a consideration anymore because hopefully it will be forgiven, but that feels like I'm putting my life on hold for those years. Am I? Should I? Or should I try to squeeze in bits and pieces of what I want to do now? Tomorrow isn't a given and who knows what the world will look like. If I wait for everything to be perfect and do things with minimal risk, I might spend my life waiting. 

Waiting for results

As I suspected, they were supposed to do all three: ERA, EMMA, and ALICE. They only did two of the three because of a paperwork error at the clinic. I prefer not to repeat the test if it's at all avoidable. It's not only the wait of an additional cycle but it's also the discomfort of the procedure in addition to the out of pocket cost. But more than all of that, I don't want to waste an embryo on a transfer where we're not sure about the environment. My doctor apologized profusely and said she would call the lab to see if they still have the samples to be able to run the third test. She is confident, however, that we will have enough information to be able to move forward. The third test was only thrown in as a why-not since we were taking samples anyway. Hopefully I'll know more in the next day or two.

The timeline got kind of messed up due to an unexpected shorter cycle. It seems like the mock cycle for the biopsy shortened my cycle significantly and my period arrived nearly a week earlier than anticipated. If we decide to move forward with a transfer at the next cycle, assuming it's predictable and not another fluke, it puts a potential transfer right in the middle of when we were planning to go on vacation. If we delay to the following cycle, we're looking at all the fall holidays which means lots of complicated logistics.

I don't want to skip our getaway, but I would postpone a vacation before trying to do a cycle during the holidays. If we wait until October then we're missing out on whatever potential benefits the biopsy did to the lining. Not sure that's scientifically backed but it's a theory, and we're trying to replicate whatever was successful last time. 

_ . _ . _ . _ . _

I'm on the hunt for a new microwave. Our old one has a piece that wore down, exposing a tiny amount of metal. This happened early on in the pandemic so our solution was to not have a microwave and just stopped using it. I finally called to schedule a repair and was told that it's unsafe and needs to be replaced. It's the kind that lives above the range so it needs to be installed with the exhaust so it's more complicated than just going to the store and picking one up. I don't miss the microwave that much so I'm not very motivated to make this happen. I don't want an unsafe appliance in the house so I'm making an effort to care. No regrets about getting rid of it. Not excited about needing to make decisions about another car.

_ . _ . _ . _ . _

My car has a recall on it so I need to schedule a time to take it in. Another adult errand I'm not excited about. We started looking at cars again. Once my husband's company requires everyone to come back from remote work we'll need a second vehicle. I'm glad we got rid of our old second car which took up space, cost a lot to insure, and had its own slew of issues.

_ . _ . _ . _ . _

trigger warning: internet child loss

I would describe my social media usage as frequent short bursts. I occasionally take a look at my usage time and it hovers around a daily average of 30 min. So definitely a waste of time but not so much that it's out of control. I was mindlessly scrolling Reels on insta while spacing out when I stumbled on something that really upset me. My feed is normally short dances, kitchen hacks, puppies and babies. In other words - happy reels that make me smile. I skip anything not to my liking . I was on the the third or fourth reel in a row, which started out with a happy family "until tragedy struck" and they show a couple at the cemetery looking over at their son's tombstone. It upset me so much, it nearly ruined my entire day. But I needed more information. How did he die? What happened? Upon some more investigating, their son fell off the bed at 20 months old, hit his head, and was declared brain dead a few days later. They started the instagram account to promote their business named after their son which sells something with loved ones names on it.

I have so many questions. It upset me that this happened - every parent's nightmare. It doesn't take much to make me cry about something I already have anxiety about. But the way they presented it, almost sensationalized it, to be able to promote their business. Everyone grieves in their own way, I understand that and don't care as long as it's not hurting anyone. But why do they have so many pictures of themselves at the cemetery? Who takes a camera there? Smiling with the coffin? wtf. Maybe I didn't get enough info about the situation because I left the account, I closed insta, and put my phone away for a few hours. It was that unsettling. It still makes me cry whenever I think about it. I don't know this kid. I don't know this family. It's the terrifying thought that this happens to people that is so upsetting to me. I wasn't prepared for it and it caught me off guard.

There's nothing to do about it, it's not like I can report the reel. Other than having poor taste they technically didn't do anything wrong. My beef is about how this could even happen and there isn't any human who can answer that question. I wasn't sure I would write about this but it was so upsetting. I needed to get it off my chest and I'm working on being less superstitious. I feel like that's where a lot of my anxiety stems from.

I'm not the kind of person that needs a TW on everything, or at least I thought I didn't. But I recognize that being in a specific mindset can alter how someone receives information. For me, I would have known to scroll past that reel had they put in a TW at the start. It feels like, in part, they did it on purpose for the shock value and that's what I dislike about it the most. 

Biopsy 4x

Friday was CD22. At a designated time a week prior I triggered with Ovidrel and went in for the biopsy on Friday morning. It was purposely scheduled for after monitoring so the waiting room was empty. I saw a lady coming out from the back with an ultrasound picture in her hand. The good kind. The 5-week bubble holding an infinite amount of joy. As she was shoving other things into her purse, waiting in line to make a follow up appointment, it waved around like a flag of hope. I remember that feeling and I was so happy for her. I debated whether or not it's too weird to go congratulate her. I decided that it is and if the situations were reversed I would not want a stranger from the waiting room to mention it. So I sent her some silent good vibes and kept scrolling on my phone.

I got called back. The doctor doing the procedure went through the paperwork and the biopsy was done quickly and efficiently. They had to take three vials-worth so they dug deep but it was only when they were taking the instruments out that the pain got to me and I teared up. Maybe they hit something on the way? I don't know. I originally thought we were doing an ERA but I think it's EMMA, and ALICE.  Same procedure but different tests. The results should be back in about 2-3 weeks. 

I'm not sure we're transferring next cycle - even if the results come back sooner than the estimates and in time for my next CD1, I'm guessing they're going to find something that needs to be treated. Maybe it's a defense mechanism but my gut is telling me to manage my expectations and be patient with the timeline.

5 min

I did it! I spent 5 min today lifting weights. They were 5 lb weights and I did arms for 6 min and 54 seconds. I set a timer to let me know when 5 min were up, but I also set a stopwatch. I knew that once I got into it I'd continue which is what happened. I finished a set and then added some abs (crunches, leg lifts) after the nearly 7 minutes of weights, for a total of a 10 minute non-walk workout. 

I'm equal parts embarrassed and proud. I'm ashamed that it took so long to actually do it, and that I broke a sweat from those few minutes. Definitely not in the same shape as I used to be. 

The goal is to be healthy and strong and I'm proud I finally took a step over the hump of the mental wall that was preventing me from starting. I still don't have a reason, but now that I've started the ball rolling I hope next time won't be as challenging and I can get a streak going. 

ERA CD14

Tuesday I went in for day 12 monitoring. Lining looked good but largest follicle was at 13 mm so they're giving it a few more days to grow. I think they want to see it closer to 18. My arm is getting really bruised from blood draws. Wednesday I got to see my obgyn for my annual appointment. Still love her. Today more monitoring and also an endo appointment for thyroid follow up. Largest follicle at 17 and lining up to over 9. I think I'll have to come back tomorrow. I hope not again on Saturday.

_ . _ . _ . _ . _

I had a conversation with my obgyn about long term contraception. According to Jewish law, contraception for men is not allowed; there are no restrictions for use by women. If I don't want to take hormones, I can do an IUD or get my tubes tied at the next c section.  Getting tubes tied is a permanent long term solution with the added benefit of a decrease in the risk of ovarian cancer. I would still be able to use the uterus for pregnancy with frozen embryo transfers (our own, donated, or even carry as a surrogate for someone else). 

I'm not sure how I feel about this permanent option. IUD has its own benefits and challenges, such as being reversible but having heavier period and potential breakthrough bleeding (a halachic nightmare).  My fertile window is closing and likely within the next ten years this will be irrelevant, but for the next several years I don't want to have to take a daily pill. I also don't like the side effects of the hormones - for me it means headaches and elevated blood pressure. It's not something we need to figure out right now, just something I'm thinking about. 

_ . _ . _ . _ . _

We're working on making healthier choices and getting our pandemic weight gain under control. I've oscillated up and down with the same 10 lbs. At transfer I don't want to weigh more than I did last transfer. To get there I need to lose 6 lbs. I'd like to lose more, but that's the current, realistic goal. 

Action items we're taking: 

• Actively drinking more water. Daily goal set at 100 oz. I've been getting through about half. I definitely notice less munching when I'm full of water.  
• Fill up on soup and salads. I've been good about taking a big salad for lunch. It takes planning and effort to make sure there are veg in the house, and take time to clean them and cut them, but worth it. My challenge is making sure I eat enough protein and fat along with it so that I'm not starving by the time I get home and snack before dinner.
• Weight Watchers? Considering joining, not sure if it's worth the cost. I think accountability is key so I would appreciate the support. 
• 5 min weights daily. Trying to make this a thing. I meant to start this week and just haven't. I don't know what the mental block is for it - everyone should be able to carve out 5 minutes of their day to lift weights, right? I have them in my bedroom and see them all the time. I just have to start. 

Once the cicadas are done (hopefully soon 🙏) we can restart our daily walks again. I always feel great after a long walk. I only recently noticed that the pain in my foot - self diagnosed as plantar fasciitis - has gone away and was very pleased with this realization. It started right after the birth and lasted about 18 months. 

Natural cycle ERA

This morning I went in for  day 4 monitoring for the ERA+ testing. Thanks to the copious notes I took last time we did this, chronicled on this blog, I know what to expect. Today there were some follicles at 9 mm. When the lead one reaches 20 mm and there's an LH surge detected, biopsy is 6 days later. If no surge, I take ovidrel and come back 7 days later. Last time, it took forever for the lead follicle to reach 20 and they told me to take the ovidrel when it reached 17. We're several years and multiple cycles later, with a lot that happened in between, so we'll see. 

I'm in a different headspace this time. Even logistics are different, since I can't just leave in the morning for a 90 minute monitoring appointment without some scheduling and planning. I'm so grateful to have that as a priority. It makes everything pale in comparison and dulls the urgency of unnecessarily overthinking things.  

_ . _ . _ . _ ._

There's a situation at work. I've talked for years about how every time something like this happens, I weigh out the pros and cons of staying vs finding another job. In the past the pros of staying always won. Today there are even more reasons to stay, but I've reached a point where I feel the need to say something. I have a meeting with my supervisor this afternoon to discuss my concerns and I hope it goes well. 

_ . _ . _ . _ ._

I've always been an introvert with minimal need for human interaction. I had my people and was fine with it. Over the years some relationships kind of fizzled and haven't been replaced. Pre-pandemic I started feeling the need to put more effort into building new relationships but was dragging my feet on getting it started. Then the world stopped. At this point in the pandemic, I'm craving new experiences and have found myself striking up conversations with complete strangers. I know they feel the same because they enthusiastically respond in kind. I'm willing to put in the effort but not sure how to direct this open energy. Will keep my eyes open to opportunities.

Lurking envy

I wonder if those jealousy niggles will ever fully go away. I don't like to use the word trigger because it's overused and means something different to each person. For me it's more like a tug in my heart, the sting in my eyes, the pull in my gut. Then guilt that I feel it at all instead of just being happy for someone when they share their news.

Last week Dylan Dryer announced she was pregnant with baby number three. I'm not sure why it left me feeling unsettled. Because it was a surprise? Because she's in the public eye? Because they seemed to be done? It doesn't matter and I'm not sure why I care. To start, I have no idea how long they've been trying, and it wasn't anyone's business whether they're done having kids after their second. I dislike that envy is my knee-jerk reaction. 

The daycare had an end of year picnic. Because of covid they held it outside where the parents could be socially distant, and because of the cicadas they did it a month early. It was the first time parents got to meet each other since we're not allowed in the building. I have no problem asking people if they're vaccinated. I don't care if someone thinks it's a personal question. [If they're vaccinated they have no issues saying so, and if they're not comfortable answering the question it's likely because they're not vaccinated and I know to keep my distance. I have no patience for people's feelings when a global pandemic relies on the majority of people being vaccinated so that we can collectively protect the most vulnerable among us who cannot get the vaccine. I try to reel in my judgy attitude, but if someone doesn't get vaccinated I have a hard time trusting their general judgement.] Anyway, when someone near me asked another couple near us if they're fully vaccinated, the dad answered "I am" and the mom hesitated. Turns out she only recently got her first shot because her OB recommended she wait until after her first trimester. She leaned back and rubbed her belly. Slight panic - are we not keeping up? - dissolved quickly.

A coworker of mine is due next month and she's starting her maternity leave coon. Besides for the luxury of being able to afford taking time before the baby is born because of her husband's income, I'm jealous that she's about to start the newborn chapter. It's a difficult stage with a lot of anxiety, for sure, but I loved every second of it. 

The envy has gotten better with time. It's certainly better than it used to be before I had a successful pregnancy. When Kristen Welker announced her news, I had none of that. I've since realized my trigger is specifically pregnancy related, not necessarily babies. Even though it's my knee-jerk reaction, it dissipates quickly. Maybe one day I'll get to a place where I'll hear of a pregnancy announcement and not feel any jealousy. 

Here we go again

I have some annual appointments coming up in June with my gyn and endo. I figured once I get those sorted out, it would be a good time to start the conversation again with my RE about an FET timeline. When I called the RE office last week to schedule my telehealth for after those June appointments, it seemed like the schedule was very full and I couldn't get in until late June. There happened to be one opening available for this week so I just took it, and suddenly... we're back in just like that. 

We met earlier this week and discussed a potential timeline. There are three things that need to happen before the FET: mock transfer, saline ultrasound, and biopsy. I originally thought that all three could be in one appointment, but apparently they need to happen at different points in my cycle. It's preferable that the biopsy happens the month before the FET but the other ones could happen any time and results are valid for a year. As soon as I was done the telehealth appointment I contacted the front desk to get scheduled for the saline ultrasound and mock transfer which I did this morning. 

I got to the office about 10 min before my procedure. Before even arriving there was a covid screening online, as well as one at the front desk. The waiting room had changed a lot since I was last there. The magazines and informational pamphlets were gone, replaced with hand sanitizer pumps and social distancing signs. There were only about 5 available seats in the waiting room, instead of the usual 40. I got called back, they took vitals, and I was asked to sign paperwork. They started with the mock transfer, then I emptied my bladder, then they took measurements (including inspecting my c-section scar), and did the saline ultrasound. We chatted for a bit after and I was done. Thankfully, I think we're cleared to move forward. I had severe cramps after the procedure. It got better with time and advil, but man on man I had forgotten that discomfort. 

I feel like things are moving fast and not fast enough. I'm excited to try again and I'm scared of what's to come. I'm worried about juggling everything, and pandemic stuff, but as it is we waited longer than planned and I don't want to keep waiting. 

Removing the stigma

One of my favorite reporters announced that she and her husband are expecting a baby girl in June with the help of a surrogate. I watched her story this morning and, as I was wrangling my own miracle from trying to head-dive off the bed, I teared up listening to her talk. I'm so, so happy for her. 

Here's this successful, strong woman who likely has the means to afford whatever treatment it would have taken. Through absolutely no fault of her own, it wasn't meant to be for her to carry her own baby. It's hard not to feel like a failure even when it's completely beyond your control. How could your own body betray something your mind and heart want so badly with every fiber of your being? It's not logical because no one blames themselves for needing glasses or having IBS... it's just how your body is made.

I remember when she got married, then some years passed, and thought that maybe she just doesn't want kids. Then felt guilty for even contemplating it - it's so not my business. I remember when Dylan Dryer went through secondary infertility and the show did a whole big story on it to raise awareness (and ratings). She was about to start IVF and the doctors told her not to take the medication because she was already pregnant. I was proud of her for sharing her story. So many people suffer in silence, myself included. It's intensely personal but such an enormous emotional burden to bear. Part of me was ashamed I couldn't do what I felt was my birthright as a woman. Even though I wanted understanding and support, I didn't want pity and I didn't want "helpful" comments. I was also incredibly superstitious and felt like talking about anything might jinx it. 

While she was telling her story, they showed B-roll footage of live shots she squeezed in between doctor's appointments, and getting bad news right before going into a big day.  Women are expected to go through hell and still put on a professional and friendly face. I felt that. It brought me right back. She talked about all the tears that were shed and I felt that also. I remember getting bad news in the car on the way to a seminar, and had to wipe the tears, fix my make up, switch gears, and walk into a room full of people to participate in a workshop. 

Until I reached out, I was not in a place to accept emotional support. It took two failed IVFs and two failed FETs before I even started this blog. I've become more vocal about it and when I'm asked for advice, I make the time to share advice from my experience. We need to be there for each other. Even if you're not ready to accept my support yet, I'll be there to listen and hold your hand when you are.

When Kristen Welker and her husband shared their story, I was happy to hear her news. No strings, just happiness. When someone shares their story, I'm so proud of them. Their courage brings awareness which can help end the stigma. I'm so grateful to them for doing what I couldn't. 

Solidarity and Accountability

It's National Infertility Awareness Week. While I don't have anything specific to share, I appreciate that it exists. It should be recognized in solidarity with anyone struggling to build their family. 

***

The former police officer who killed George Floyd was convicted on all three counts. As sad and upset as I feel about the unfairness of what people of color go through, it's a drop in the bucket compared to what they're feeling. Photos of people reacting started flooding my newsfeed on social media. People crying; kneeling in the middle of the street; pulling the car over to process... overcome with feelings. I feel emotional. I recognize it's not about me.

***

At the start of the pandemic I ordered a pair of jeans to wear around the house. Comfy and zoom-appropriate. I made the mistake of ordering just a hair too small "to encourage" weight loss so they never fit right. While I was in the category of people who gained weight during those stressful first months of lockdown, I've since gotten back to baseline so we're back to just a bit too snug. My goal is to fit into them comfortably by end of May. Maybe if I write that down I'll be more inclined to follow through. 

Spring

It kind of feels like we're stuck in a limbo between normal life and the dangers of the pandemic. The weather is turning nicer and some reason it feels like that means this should all be over by now, but the mutations, rise in cases, and vaccine hesitation are keeping us from actually moving past it. We're not quite out of the woods yet, as much as we want to be.

Our nearly 18 month old started back at preschool this week. There was definitely some separation anxiety and I dreaded sending him off. It didn't help that when the teachers sent pictures of a smiley baby, I could see the signs of tears recently wiped away. It's an adjustment for all of us. I think he would need to be at school regardless, because he's a social kid and he will benefit from that setting. It doesn't make me miss him any less. 

So what's next.... Can I plan a trip? Tackle some house projects? Plan our next FET? I think we're still not sure. 

I feel conflicted about starting an FET right now. The clock is ticking and ideally I'd want to get started as soon as possible because we don't know how long it will take to be successful. After a year of the pandemic, it doesn't seem like things will be totally back to pre-pandemic any time soon. So do I hold off for an unknown amount of time? Or do I purposely put myself in a more risky condition? It's impossible to know. I don't know the right answer. I revisit this conversation in my head every time I get my period, so I guess I can table it for now until May.

Maybe ok

My mood has improved significantly with the weather. (It might not be just the weather - it could be less of the orange politician in the news, or that there grownups now in charge? Maybe. Let's just assume weather for now.) There have been several stormy days but they've been interspersed among gorgeous spring days so it's been fine. We're able to go outdoors more often. Walking more often. Getting fresh air and everyone moving more makes such a difference. I got a fitness tracker watch (one of several birthday presents I gifted myself) to see how many steps I take. I don't know if it's off or what but it's close to 17,000 a day sometimes. I know chasing a toddler is exhausting but this has to be wrong, right? 

I had off work for Pesach so tried to make the most of it, especially when the weather was nice. Eased up restrictions a bit and took him to outdoor playgrounds when there were no other kids there, we visited some horses and chickens, we took walks looking for puppies (we have a lot of dog owners in our neighborhood) and just enjoyed each others company. On the last day of the holiday he spiked a fever and was extremely crabby and lethargic, refusing food and drink. It was alarming enough that I called the ped on call and was told that if he doesn't settle within 45 min of crying to take him to urgent care or ER. Thankfully he calmed down after 35 min and became himself enough to eat. After some motrin and a full night's sleep he seemed to be himself except for a slight runny nose, dry cough, and some loose stool. I got him covid tested  - and myself in solidarity bc it's a yucky test -just for peace of mind and we both got negative results. So I guess it's a cold? How did he get a cold? After being in a protective bubble all year we were caught completely off guard at the first sign of a fever, made all the more terrifying during a world pandemic. 

I'm mentally exhausted by trying to keep it together when things are still so not yet normal. I feel like I'm allowed to believe things can be ok now that vaccines are more available. There is still the fear of all the things we don't know, especially for those who can't yet get vaccinated. I know this isn't going away so soon and we need to learn to live with it, but it's hard to turn off the anxiety that's been simmering for the past 13 months. 

With my better mood comes hope for new things. I'm ready for the conversation of looking ahead to another FET. I'm interested in new opportunities and saying YES to things I may not have before all this. I want to try and explore new experiences. I've always been introverted and content in my small social circle but this pandemic has awakened a need to do new things, like socially interact with other people. 

Musings

I went to the dentist for a cleaning. They made me take off my mask -- eek. I didn't have any cavities and everything "looked wonderful." There was something they saw on an x-ray from an old filling I got in my teens. It wasn't apparent clinically but they recommended getting it replaced at some point. 

We talked about possibly sending the baby back to school in May. Hopefully by then the state case numbers will be low and steadily decreasing, more people vaccinated, and it will be less risk. He needs to be in a social setting and I think we need to get used to the idea of him being back in school. I love spending time with him and I wish I could full time. Then my job made an announcement that we need to be back full time. So it may need to happen sooner. The daycare added significant fees and it's so expensive. My husband and I are both vaccinated but I'm really worried about the baby who's too young to wear a mask. 

I also went to get my eyes checked. At my request they did some tests to see if I'm a candidate for lasik. I did a virtual consultation for it and even crunched the numbers to see if we can make it work. When it all goes right, it's such a simple procedure with a limited recovery and so much benefit. There are some considerations like childcare during recovery and a ride after the procedure, but the main factor is the cost. I can't justify spending $4,000. Not in our current financial state. Not in this current economic climate. Not when we're about to start paying for daycare again. Not when we don't have any insurance coverage for another FET. 

My period was late. For a small window of time I allowed myself the fantasy of thinking through the what ifs. Is this what "normal" people go through when their period is late? That jolt of excitement about the possibility that this might be a pregnancy. Then followed by terror because it's unexpected and you haven't had time to plan it. Then followed by reassuring yourself that if this happens it will be a blessing and you'll figure it out. Then followed by fear because you're not ready. Then followed by confusion because you forgot this happens for free for some people.. then delight, then horror, then glee... then stop yourself because you felt a cramp. Hold your horses. You're just late. It likely doesn't mean anything at all. But that was a fun ride. A day later there it was. 

I celebrated another birthday a few weeks ago. In the past I used to think of my birthday as a time to compare my current state with where I thought I'd be at this point and inevitably always feel old and unaccomplished. It used to remind me of my declining fertility or that I'm nowhere near where I thought I'd be in my career by now. This year I thought about what a gift a birthday is. Another year wiser, another chance to try new things, a new chapter. So many people lost their lives this past year. They don't get to celebrate any more birthdays. I used to dislike it because there's so much pressure to have an amazing day. That's just not how things happen in my social circle and I've come to accept it and manage my expectations. But shifting the mindset is a gamechanger. No one owes me anything and I am so grateful to still be here. Thank you Hashem. 

Happy Pesach to all who celebrate <3

Sinking

Since I've been fully vaccinated, and after both my husband and I tested negative for COVID-19 after a short voluntary quarantine, we were finally welcomed into the family pod. It's been great to have playmates for our boy to play with. There's a difference of mind in our pod and I'm struggling. 

Some believe that we must follow CDC guidelines to the letter. Those guidelines, as of Feb 18, 2021, state: "COVID-19 Cases are Extremely High. Avoid Events and Gatherings. COVID-19 cases, hospitalizations, and deaths are extremely high across the United States. To decrease your chance of getting and spreading COVID-19, CDC recommends that you do not gather with people who do not live with you at this time. Attending events and gatherings increases your risk of getting and spreading COVID-19. Stay home to protect yourself and others from COVID-19."

Some others in the pod believe that since a large portion of the adults of our pod are fully vaccinated (some only had one shot; kids none obvs), if we take all the necessary precautions such as fully masking and keeping distance, it should be ok to gather indoors for a short amount of time with people outside the pod. Among the fully vaccinated, there are those of the opinion that we can hang out indoors unmasked with members of the pod.

I feel like there is a disconnect between science-based facts and baseless fear with unnecessary isolation. We can no longer rely solely on common sense and our judgement is bias because we're exhausted by decision fatigue. At the same time there are no clear rules about what's allowed now that some of us are immunized. 

In short, this is leading up to the current argument we're having. There's a social occasion happening this weekend I'd like to attend which happens to be at the building I work. I believe it's safe for me to go. I'm in the building for work regularly; masks will be worn by all attendees; I'm fully vaccinated +2 weeks have passed since my last dose; social distancing will be maintained; I don't plan to stay long. 

Short term concern is getting kicked out of the pod. The long term and more serious concern is getting an extremely contagious virus and passing it on to unvaccinated family members. 

My mental health has been sinking and I feel like this is a form of self-care. Taking control of a situation in which we have no control. We're staring down the anniversary of a year of isolation and pain... to me going to an event with seemingly minimal risk seems like the ultimate f-u in the face of a pandemic that stole so much from so many. 

But maybe that's the temptation. Letting our guard down now seems like giving up after spending so many months with cracked hands and foggy glasses and anxious news reports. I don't know the answer and I'm tired of arguing about it. I'm tired of all of it. I'm just sad and tired. 

Support is available

For anyone struggling to build their family for any reason, this is for you. You are not alone. 

This summit will be bringing together nearly a dozen organizations that provide resources for people going through fertility challenges or want to support those going through that difficult journey. Jewish in context but everyone is welcome. Free and open to all. 

Register at iwassupposedtohaveababy.org/summit

 

Down

From so many people I hear that they're reaching capacity for what they can tolerate. As moms, as employees, as human beings. "Wet sponge that just can't absorb anymore" is the phrase that comes to mind. 

For me, I've gotten into a routine and have become kind of numb to everything else. I have limited interests and nothing seems worth the effort. My world has narrowed to the walls of my house. I try to walk outside regularly but with the cold weather even that's not happening regularly. I stopped caring about what I eat and have gained weight. I've lost momentum with my job search. Where there was once determination there is now only dejection. Advice from people who have successfully advanced their careers is irrelevant at best and mocking at worst: "I got recruited off LinkedIn;" or "my friend said there was an opening and got my resume to the hiring manager." No one responds to my applications and I'm starting to wonder what's the point. On the flip side I try to remind myself that I should be grateful to be employed, that not everyone is as fortunate, and that hopefully one day things will get better. 

What at first felt like survival mode has now just become the grooved plateau I live in. Anxiety turned to numbness. We're always in the house so I can't find a chunk of time to get the cleaning crew in. I'm doing the never-ending cycle of laundry, dishes, and trash/recycle removal and little beyond that. The only thing I care about is taking care of and playing with my little one, and the thought of sending him back to school is something we yearn for and dread and the same time. The original plan was waiting for us both to be fully vaccinated before considering it, but he's so bored in the house no matter what toys or games we offer. I think the warmer weather will help when we can be outside for longer than 2 minutes at a time. 

I'm stuck with fertility treatment. We can't do anything because our insurance doesn't cover a single penny. We're still technically looking for jobs in the hopes that one of us finds one with better insurance. But in this climate we're not hopeful that something amazing like that will fall in our laps. 

I watched the first half of the impeachment trial and was so impressed and horrified with the case presented. I couldn't bring myself to watch the defense, mainly because they kept showing clips of him and I had no interest in seeing his face again. Outcome incredibly depressing. 

I was eligible to get the vaccine in two of the current phases of my state (through my job and volunteer status at a hospital). My husband is in the last group to be called and so is not yet eligible. We've heard from several people that the mass vaccination site at Six Flags, which is a drive-through, isn't checking paperwork. If you get an appointment, you get a vaccine. Getting an appointment is the challenge, with people trying for hours multiple days in a row before scoring an appointment. They don't understand why he won't sign up. "If you can get a vaccine, you should - it's a matter of life and death. Who's to say who is more eligible? Why do they get to decide that my life isn't as important? If it doesn't go in my arm it might go to waste?" I agree that the vaccine rollout is a complete disaster. I don't have the answers but it feels wrong. And we're not going anywhere or doing anything to give him any increased risk so no point in fighting for appointments when hopefully more will become available and his phase will open soon. It's so disappointing that we waited months for this and had time to prepare but it seems like everyone was caught with their pants down to encourage a Hunger-Games-style situation. The whole thing adds to the depression. 

We're coming up on the one year anniversary of the lockdowns. One year yahrtzeit of my father-in-law's passing from the coronavirus. 

Overall feeling down. 

Daily Grind - pandemic style

I've been wearing an envo (reusable N95) plus surgical mask since July. The envo seals around my face so not only does it give better protection but also eliminates the glasses fog. Some people looked at me weird when I first started showing up with this (especially the ones who were more concerned about matching their mask to their outfits), but now double-masking is a thing sanctioned by the top professionals. 

When I start to get overwhelmingly down about the state of the world and how stuck I feel, I try to think of the positive sides to this pandemic. There are lots, but so many come with a darker side. For example, we've saved a nice chunk of change from not sending anything to the dry cleaners for the past year. But that probably means that a lot of others did the same and that business went under.

My weight has been going up and down in direct correlation to my mood. At the start of the pandemic I gained. Toward the fall I lost enough to get back to baseline (pre-pregnancy weight). At this point I'm finding myself comfort-eating more often than not and it's showing. I feel my clothes fitting tighter and get surprised when I catch an unexpected angle in the mirror. I try to fight the "what's the point" attitude with "this isn't forever." It takes a lot of mental energy to eat mindfully and I'm not in that mindset. I want to be healthy and strong, with all the right reasons to motivate me, but with so many limits on our lives food is a reliable, easy reward during a time we can all use extra love and comfort. 

I took some time this week for personal grooming and self-care. I encourage my husband to do the same. We're deep in survival mode doing the bare minimum. After an incident left my feelings deeply wounded I needed to reset: I lovingly made a giant vat of chicken soup on Sunday. I had been saving the ingredients the week prior and finally got everything I needed in the last delivery. Since baby boy is currently transitioning from two naps to one, those nap minutes are precious and I used them to chop and clean veg to start the soup. I let it simmer for hours, and the house smelled amazing. I patted myself on a job well done and was so happy to have healthy lunch and dinner options for the next few days. The next morning I woke up literally by sitting straight up in bed: I had forgotten to put the soup in the fridge the night before and the whole pot spoiled. Between teething and the nap situation, I'd been getting less sleep and I was so tired and out of it the night before that I just forgot. I had no one to blame but myself and I was so, so upset. It put me in a funk and I needed something tangible to snap me out of it so I waxed my eyebrows and gave myself a pedicure. I gave a donation to charity to try to offset the sadness I felt by this seemingly minor incident to try to put out some good vibes into the world. [Thinking more about it I realize this was the last straw to something else too. I recently took on the challenge of watching all the Star Wars (yes, 9 movies). I didn't realize it at the time but I was feeding off of the energy of the rebellion who had something to fight for: a unifying goal that they were all working hard toward together. Excitement, adventure, hopping in a ship and taking off. All the things stuck people don't have. I'm thinking the soup was the last straw for me and it sent me down a dark path. I'm still not totally over it but at least better.] 

We've discussed the option of trying to figure out how to schedule the cleaning crew to give our house a scrub since that's something that brings us joy. But with the cold weather making outdoors not an option and no safe indoor options, we literally have nowhere to go for several hours. Something else to push to the back burner for "when this is over." 

I'm trying to think ahead and believe things will get better. There will be a time when we can hang out with friends and hang out with family and feel safe dropping our child off at school. I try not to think too far ahead because then it makes it harder to come back to the present when none of those things are an option. It's like playing the What Would I Do If I Won The Lottery - you imagine all the things you can buy with unlimited funds; how the world would be wide open for you to explore without the burden of debts or a daily job to report to... but then you need to come back to reality and realize you're still stuck to the financial ball and chain that is the daily grind. 

On top of the mental struggle is the cherry on top known as guilt. As challenging as things feel for me, everyone I speak to is going through something. Some are challenged with trying to settle the estates of loved ones who were lost to the virus; others are dealing with struggling with food insecurity and financial instability because they lost their jobs; some are dealing with the crippling anxiety that comes with isolation, loneliness, and fear of what we're all dealing with. It doesn't mean my challenges are real to me, but putting things in perspective is important too.