Down

From so many people I hear that they're reaching capacity for what they can tolerate. As moms, as employees, as human beings. "Wet sponge that just can't absorb anymore" is the phrase that comes to mind. 

For me, I've gotten into a routine and have become kind of numb to everything else. I have limited interests and nothing seems worth the effort. My world has narrowed to the walls of my house. I try to walk outside regularly but with the cold weather even that's not happening regularly. I stopped caring about what I eat and have gained weight. I've lost momentum with my job search. Where there was once determination there is now only dejection. Advice from people who have successfully advanced their careers is irrelevant at best and mocking at worst: "I got recruited off LinkedIn;" or "my friend said there was an opening and got my resume to the hiring manager." No one responds to my applications and I'm starting to wonder what's the point. On the flip side I try to remind myself that I should be grateful to be employed, that not everyone is as fortunate, and that hopefully one day things will get better. 

What at first felt like survival mode has now just become the grooved plateau I live in. Anxiety turned to numbness. We're always in the house so I can't find a chunk of time to get the cleaning crew in. I'm doing the never-ending cycle of laundry, dishes, and trash/recycle removal and little beyond that. The only thing I care about is taking care of and playing with my little one, and the thought of sending him back to school is something we yearn for and dread and the same time. The original plan was waiting for us both to be fully vaccinated before considering it, but he's so bored in the house no matter what toys or games we offer. I think the warmer weather will help when we can be outside for longer than 2 minutes at a time. 

I'm stuck with fertility treatment. We can't do anything because our insurance doesn't cover a single penny. We're still technically looking for jobs in the hopes that one of us finds one with better insurance. But in this climate we're not hopeful that something amazing like that will fall in our laps. 

I watched the first half of the impeachment trial and was so impressed and horrified with the case presented. I couldn't bring myself to watch the defense, mainly because they kept showing clips of him and I had no interest in seeing his face again. Outcome incredibly depressing. 

I was eligible to get the vaccine in two of the current phases of my state (through my job and volunteer status at a hospital). My husband is in the last group to be called and so is not yet eligible. We've heard from several people that the mass vaccination site at Six Flags, which is a drive-through, isn't checking paperwork. If you get an appointment, you get a vaccine. Getting an appointment is the challenge, with people trying for hours multiple days in a row before scoring an appointment. They don't understand why he won't sign up. "If you can get a vaccine, you should - it's a matter of life and death. Who's to say who is more eligible? Why do they get to decide that my life isn't as important? If it doesn't go in my arm it might go to waste?" I agree that the vaccine rollout is a complete disaster. I don't have the answers but it feels wrong. And we're not going anywhere or doing anything to give him any increased risk so no point in fighting for appointments when hopefully more will become available and his phase will open soon. It's so disappointing that we waited months for this and had time to prepare but it seems like everyone was caught with their pants down to encourage a Hunger-Games-style situation. The whole thing adds to the depression. 

We're coming up on the one year anniversary of the lockdowns. One year yahrtzeit of my father-in-law's passing from the coronavirus. 

Overall feeling down.