We talked about possibly sending the baby back to school in May. Hopefully by then the state case numbers will be low and steadily decreasing, more people vaccinated, and it will be less risk. He needs to be in a social setting and I think we need to get used to the idea of him being back in school. I love spending time with him and I wish I could full time. Then my job made an announcement that we need to be back full time. So it may need to happen sooner. The daycare added significant fees and it's so expensive. My husband and I are both vaccinated but I'm really worried about the baby who's too young to wear a mask.
I also went to get my eyes checked. At my request they did some tests to see if I'm a candidate for lasik. I did a virtual consultation for it and even crunched the numbers to see if we can make it work. When it all goes right, it's such a simple procedure with a limited recovery and so much benefit. There are some considerations like childcare during recovery and a ride after the procedure, but the main factor is the cost. I can't justify spending $4,000. Not in our current financial state. Not in this current economic climate. Not when we're about to start paying for daycare again. Not when we don't have any insurance coverage for another FET.
My period was late. For a small window of time I allowed myself the fantasy of thinking through the what ifs. Is this what "normal" people go through when their period is late? That jolt of excitement about the possibility that this might be a pregnancy. Then followed by terror because it's unexpected and you haven't had time to plan it. Then followed by reassuring yourself that if this happens it will be a blessing and you'll figure it out. Then followed by fear because you're not ready. Then followed by confusion because you forgot this happens for free for some people.. then delight, then horror, then glee... then stop yourself because you felt a cramp. Hold your horses. You're just late. It likely doesn't mean anything at all. But that was a fun ride. A day later there it was.
I celebrated another birthday a few weeks ago. In the past I used to think of my birthday as a time to compare my current state with where I thought I'd be at this point and inevitably always feel old and unaccomplished. It used to remind me of my declining fertility or that I'm nowhere near where I thought I'd be in my career by now. This year I thought about what a gift a birthday is. Another year wiser, another chance to try new things, a new chapter. So many people lost their lives this past year. They don't get to celebrate any more birthdays. I used to dislike it because there's so much pressure to have an amazing day. That's just not how things happen in my social circle and I've come to accept it and manage my expectations. But shifting the mindset is a gamechanger. No one owes me anything and I am so grateful to still be here. Thank you Hashem.
Happy Pesach to all who celebrate <3
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