I wonder if those jealousy niggles will ever fully go away. I don't like to use the word trigger because it's overused and means something different to each person. For me it's more like a tug in my heart, the sting in my eyes, the pull in my gut. Then guilt that I feel it at all instead of just being happy for someone when they share their news.
Last week Dylan Dryer announced she was pregnant with baby number three. I'm not sure why it left me feeling unsettled. Because it was a surprise? Because she's in the public eye? Because they seemed to be done? It doesn't matter and I'm not sure why I care. To start, I have no idea how long they've been trying, and it wasn't anyone's business whether they're done having kids after their second. I dislike that envy is my knee-jerk reaction.
The daycare had an end of year picnic. Because of covid they held it outside where the parents could be socially distant, and because of the cicadas they did it a month early. It was the first time parents got to meet each other since we're not allowed in the building. I have no problem asking people if they're vaccinated. I don't care if someone thinks it's a personal question. [If they're vaccinated they have no issues saying so, and if they're not comfortable answering the question it's likely because they're not vaccinated and I know to keep my distance. I have no patience for people's feelings when a global pandemic relies on the majority of people being vaccinated so that we can collectively protect the most vulnerable among us who cannot get the vaccine. I try to reel in my judgy attitude, but if someone doesn't get vaccinated I have a hard time trusting their general judgement.] Anyway, when someone near me asked another couple near us if they're fully vaccinated, the dad answered "I am" and the mom hesitated. Turns out she only recently got her first shot because her OB recommended she wait until after her first trimester. She leaned back and rubbed her belly. Slight panic - are we not keeping up? - dissolved quickly.
A coworker of mine is due next month and she's starting her maternity leave coon. Besides for the luxury of being able to afford taking time before the baby is born because of her husband's income, I'm jealous that she's about to start the newborn chapter. It's a difficult stage with a lot of anxiety, for sure, but I loved every second of it.
The envy has gotten better with time. It's certainly better than it used to be before I had a successful pregnancy. When Kristen Welker announced her news, I had none of that. I've since realized my trigger is specifically pregnancy related, not necessarily babies. Even though it's my knee-jerk reaction, it dissipates quickly. Maybe one day I'll get to a place where I'll hear of a pregnancy announcement and not feel any jealousy.
I had (mostly) low level feelings of anxiety, resentment and envy while we were trying to have kids. Wanting children is such a powerful urge that it’s hard to imagine ever not feeling that way in the middle of it. But for me the feelings did go away pretty soon after our second daughter was born. It was just such a relief to not be constantly fixated on pregnancy that I found my main emotion was gratitude: for my children but also for the rest of life that could happen now that they are here. I also started menopause the year after Dani was born: which may have health effects down the road, but psychologically it was mostly a relief: a clear signal that one part of my life was over, and it’s time to focus on something else, which I’m really enjoying. I get nostalgia sometimes but it’s not disruptive.
ReplyDeleteI have concerns about the novel technology used in the vaccines and that long term effects are unknowable. I got mine in the end anyway, for a variety of reasons. We have supply issues in Canada though so it could be months before I have the chance for the second shot. If you are in a position where anyone that wants them can get both shots you are lucky. Cheers.
I still am oddly obsessed with pregnacy/ pregnant bellies and my IVF babies are 13. I can so relate to how you describe the feelings, tug at your heart and a pull in your gut. I am not sure it will ever go away, especially when I hear of surprise pregnancies, but it does get less in intensity and softens.
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