When others announce

Last night I worked late and then had a stomach ache so I didn't fall asleep until after 2. Is it possible I'm still feeling side effects from the antibiotics? I stopped taking probiotics when I finished the dose but maybe I should continue for another few days until I'm sure things are back on track. Here are the thoughts I scribbled into my notes app while trying to empty my mind so I could fall asleep.

Amy Schumer announced her pregnancy via Instagram last night. Meghan Markle's announcement just last week didn't phase me at all yet this one gives me all the jealousy feels. They're both the same age. I discovered them both as famous actresses, albeit now one is a royal. I don't understand what's the difference but I really feel that ache.

Just the other day I was discussing with someone how scary pregnancy is. I have all this time to think and worry about complications. The more I think about it the more the thoughts creeps in about how what a huge undertaking it is to overturn your entire life and bring in a child to the world. Your life as you know it is over. The child is absolute top priority and everything else takes the back burner. Not to mention all the medical issues that come up during or post pregnancy and delivery. Who would choose that? People who get pregnant easily and keep their pregnancy likely have freakouts but eventually time marches on and they have no choice but to go through the challenges as they come. For me the freakouts compound with every loss. The little nagging voice asks, "Are you really sure this is worth it?"

It seems as though the time comes for everyone else. My friend is planning to see a specialist in Nov and I already assume she will get pregnant before me. When I meet someone single I just assume they're likely going to find their soulmate, date, marry, and get pregnant before me. It's almost like a defense mechanism; if I expect the pregnancy then I can't get caught off guard by it and feel that familiar gut punch.

With Markle I knew for sure she wasn't going to wait. Having a royal baby is literally her job. There's more pressure on her than anyone. But Schumer? I didn't even know she wanted kids. Not that it matters. But I didn't expect the announcement and I think that's the difference.

It serves as an important lesson to me. It's important to let the ttc people know privately when you're expecting. Give them time to process. Do not put them on a group text. Do talk to them before announcing publicly. Do share your news privately, preferably in writing not in person, so they have the space to react however feels right to them. Ironically I don't have that many to be super sensitive to everyone else has already moved on.

I've been feeling really optimistic and cheerful the past few weeks. Accepting the delay was the best thing that happened to my mental state of mind. I've been focusing on making things better: advocating for myself at work (new title in the works?), organizing the house (tidying up more often in small spurts rather than big cleaning sessions has made things so pleasant), indulging in comfort food (maybe a bit too much) and focusing on positive things. The crisp beautiful fall weather has also really been helpful. But then something triggers the feelings, like an unexpected celebrity announcement, and I'm pulled right back into it.

Maybe it's baby fever? Maybe it's being tired of failing? Maybe it's wanting to move on from this phase? Maybe it's just as simple as being envious of someone else having what I want.

ETA:
Literally minutes after this post was published, a coworker acquaintance announced her pregnancy. It's someone that works across the building in a different department that rarely overlaps with mine, but she's friend with one of our team members, so we see her every so often. Everyone else on my team knew, I was the last to find out. It hit me like a ton of bricks. She's single and religious. But also nearly 40, so she decided to get a sperm donor and it worked the first time. Of course it did. I had to go home for lunch. I occasionally wear makeup and today happened to be a mascara day, but that was because I didn't expect to cry.