Processing

Over the weekend a devastating incident took place in Pittsburg where 11 Jews were murdered during Shabbat morning prayers.

As more details come out about the incident it gets harder and harder not to get sucked into depression about the state of our country. There is so much hate and anti-Semitism and intolerance. It takes effort not to give in to the fear.

This morning I had a hard time getting out of bed. I knew I was upset about the added delay in treatment and while I was trying not to conflate the two, sadness is sadness. They both feel personal. Once I started crying I couldn't stop. I texted work that I will be late. I spent time crying, then tidying up. Even after showering and getting dressed my face was still too blotchy to get to work and I spent time davening.

Somewhere along this morning's hopelessness I emailed my doctor asking if it's absolutely necessary to wait before doing the biopsies. I knew that logically it makes sense to wait to do one biopsy for both tests at the same time but the thought of waiting the additional few weeks kept sending me back into heaving sobs. My people are actively being attacked and I feel inadequate in my inability to continue the tribe.

I reached out to a friend asking if I was being ridiculous. I recognize I've lost some objectivity when it comes to treatment. Wanting something so badly makes you feel irrational so I'm glad my medical team and support system are there to keep me grounded. Whatever is supposed to happen will happen.

As for the state of the country, I'm tired of people saying that we need to arm our synagogues and schools and churches and parks. That's not the answer. Less guns is the answer. Less hate is the answer. Even if there was an armed guard at the Tree of Life synagogue on Saturday, the monster motivated by hate may have still managed to get in and shoot people before anyone realized what was going on.

Just because this keeps happening we don't have the luxury of being numb or turning off the news because it's too upsetting. We can't rely on waiting for someone else to fix things. It's not good enough to give up because "I'm only one person." If you have a vote, you have the power to make a difference. Taking the opportunity to stand side by side with millions of other people with similar values and making our voices heard is the best way to initiate change. The answer is more love; the answer is more education; the answer is getting your voice heard by voting next week.