Jewish IVF: Have and have not

Tuesday, October 16, 2018

Have and have not

I've been struggling with a particular issue and I'm conflicted about whether or not to say something.

I've joined a support group that runs via WhatsApp for people going through fertility treatment. It's a mix of ages, locations, and various stages of treatment with the common denominator that we're all Jewish women. Some have kids after successful treatment while others don't.

There is one recurring issue that comes up for the women with kids: their family or friends don't understand why they still have that yearn for children even after having a child. There is no way to truly explain these feelings to someone who never went through treatment. I'm sorry that these women have been hearing hurtful and insensitive comments from family members or friends that just don't get it. At the same time, though, I feel that it's insensitive to the women in the group who don't yet have children. Any sentence that starts with "I'm so grateful for my child, but...." hurts me.

I admit that I don't fully understand their struggle. My desire to build a family is completely different from someone who already has a child. I didn't go through a full pregnancy, or delivery, or brought home a baby, or went through the infant stage and now have a toddler with all the demands and joys it entails. They have those experiences and they are mothers. I understand there is still that want to continue having children but I think it's different than someone who never had those experiences.

I hesitate to say something because I don't want to bring something up just to play 'devil's advocate' - I don't think there's room for that in support circles. No one can tell someone how to feel, regardless of their circumstances. If I do bring it up, will it fall on deaf ears because they're just not in a place to receive that feedback? Is it even my place to say something? I'm not the sensitivity police. It's a support group and people talk about whatever is on their mind, not everything is going to be exactly to my liking. At the same time, if I'm feeling stung every time this comes up then there is likely someone else also hurting for similar reasons.

What would you do?

6 comments:

JaclynOctober 16, 2018 at 10:45 AM
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JaclynOctober 16, 2018 at 10:54 AM
This is tough because your support group is for Jewish women. For nonreligious groups, there are secondary infertility Facebook groups where women can talk about these issues without triggering people with primary infertility. It’s hard, because I think there’s a place for Jewish groups since there is so much emphasis on families and children within the religion you want to be able to talk with others who know what you are going through. I’ve seen infertility support groups fight this issue a lot and nothing ever gets resolved, so I’d recommend considering also joining a primary infertility group so you can also get support from someone who really understands what you are going through. I actually completely agree with you about the pain of primary infertility - I had two children easily in my early and mid thirties, and my infertility at 38 kind of felt like it was my fault for waiting so long, so I always felt that other women had it harder than me. I bled with my first pregnancy and even though everything turned out fine it was much harder than my 2 misscarriages in my late 30s. I’m sorry the group is triggering, and hope you get your miracle baby soon.
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MaliOctober 17, 2018 at 12:13 AM
I agree this is tough. I was on an ectopic pregnancy website for many years, both as a member and then volunteer. Eventually, we split into groups, because it was very hard for women who had never had a pregnancy to feel the same compassion for those who already had children. Likewise, one of the women who had children told those who didn't that "they didn't know what they were missing, so it was easier for them." People in pain hurt other people in pain.

The risk of saying something is seeing an argument or fight ensue that can tear the group apart. The thing is that we can't win. Since I've been blogging, I've had conversations with someone complaining that women without children have implied that it is harder to resolve their infertility without a child than with a child. Despite the same people saying (before their pregnancy/birth) that they "couldn't bear to live without a child." So it's a no-win situation, I think.

As you point out, there are probably others who are hurting in the way you are too. Maybe suggest a subgroup for conversations that might be sensitive?
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AnonymousOctober 17, 2018 at 11:56 PM
Well I should start by saying that I am not a member of any support groups. But, as someone who didn't have a straight road to my first successful pregnancy, or my eventual follow up successful one, I would completely agree with you that the feelings I had to manage were different before and after I had a living child. I am sorry people on your group can't seem to realize this, and I think pointing that out can only be a good thing, as long as it's not done in a way that is too accusatory. I don't think anyone means to hurt others, but sometimes people are just so caught up in their own struggles they lose sight of what others are going through. A support group, I would think, should be a place where you can voice this, and be greeted with understanding.
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sumita sofatNovember 10, 2018 at 5:20 AM
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Tuesday, October 16, 2018

Have and have not

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