Motivation

CD1 was on Friday as expected. It was a much heavier period than anticipated. I thought that along with the hysteroscopy they did a D&C, so what else was there to slough off? Apparently a lot.

Without going into more details, it was different than what I had expected. The whole weekend I was incredibly crampy and uncomfortable and tired. I often felt the need to lie down or space out. I had such strong sugar and carb cravings but I used whatever willpower I had to try to stick to my healthy eating. I usually crave peanut butter during my period; this time I switched to unsalted peanuts instead hoping it would have a similar effect. It didn't but it was good enough.

Sunday I had to wake up early for Day 3 bloodwork for insurance. Even though I had it in my calendar with a reminder on my phone and I told my husband so he can remember also, I kept worrying that I would forget to go. New clinic is only open until 8 am on weekends (I'm keeping score of old vs new clinics, possibly more on that in a future post) and I knew that if I missed it then we'd have a delay in getting insurance approved which could delay the IVF by a month (really 2 months because we wouldn't do it during the holiday season) and that anxiety wouldn't let up until I got there and had it taken care of.

It was actually not so bad. Again, my clinic is part of a hospital so the lab had patients there for other purposes. When I got there I was second in line. As I was leaving there were 12 people waiting. I didn't have any wait time but I could see how this can become a problem during monitoring days. The tech was clearly a professional but my veins were being tricky and rolly that morning so she ended up getting on a superficial vein. It was the first time that was done on my arm instead of my hand. It hurt more but I appreciated the one-stick.

I was so tired that I conked out for a 3-hr nap on Sunday afternoon. I had a few things I wanted to do and none of them got done. I was ok with that because bloodwork was behind me and that felt like a huge accomplishment.

Even with all the cravings and setbacks, I've been good with my eating habits. It's so clear that what you eat reflects on the scale. To me it's very black and white. When I eat less, I weigh less. Right now I'm working on getting rid of the extra lbs that piled on after our March loss. My highest ever weight was about 30 lbs away from where I am today, which was 2014. I lost the 30 lbs in prep for our first IVF and kept it off, for the most part, with oscillations up and down about 7 lbs in either direction.


The insulin situation ramped up the need to eat better and to date I've lost 7 lbs since May. I'm trying to get down another 13. If I lose 13 lbs it will get me down to my lowest weight since I started tracking in my app in 2012. There will still be more to go after, but I will feel accomplished that I got past the regular 7+/- and get to a new realm. The eating habits are really down to willpower because it's totally doable when my brain in on board. Exercise is another story.

I was talking to someone about trying to stay motivated to exercise. The response was, "well isn't having a baby enough motivation?" I had to think about that. If I thought that it was a direct cause and effect, I'd for sure make the connection and use that as motivation. But I don't see it that way. I don't even see things working as it is. When looking at the calendar, I realized this is how I was timing things: Aug retrieval; Sept holidays; Oct ERA; Nov transfer; Dec recovery; Jan try again. That wasn't even a conscious thought! When I shared this with my husband he acknowledged that that's just how we've been conditioned on this road.

Maybe on some level I'm trying to hold back on something in case that next transfer doesn't work so that we have something else to try. We're literally throwing the kitchen sink at this next transfer and if it doesn't work then not only will we be devastated all over again but we'll be completely stumped at what to do next.

I've gotten up to 30 min twice a week. Once I'm already in workout clothes and working out, it usually lasts closer to 45 min, but it's that hump of getting to that space of working out that's my challenge. It helps to recruit a friend. If I schedule a time to take a walk with someone then I feel bad canceling and so it's much more likely to happen. I'm also working on getting my husband on board but our schedules don't line up and if I wait for him to be available it ends up not happening.

I am motivated to succeed and I'm doing anything I believe will help. I guess I'm just having a hard time believing that our efforts will pay off since they never have in the past. Without even realizing it I've clearly built a protective wall. Maybe now that I've realized it, it will take less effort to get around the mental block.


Right now we're waiting for pathology results and insurance authorization. The wait continues.