Energy

I'm feeling antsy. I want pathology results. I want insurance to get back to us with approval. I want the retrieval to be behind us. I want to move forward. I also want 9 Av to be behind us.

I noticed a trend on social media. I always feel bad after spending too long on Instagram. People aren't posting videos of their nap or folding laundry or watching tv. They're posting about vacations and adventures. 

People assume that since we don't have kids then we have lots of time and money to travel. That assumption is so far from reality. Thousands of dollars go into treatments. Even if we did have the money for glamorous vacations, any days off work get saved for sick leave for procedures. 

We took our honeymoon trip for our ten year anniversary this past January. It took a while to save up enough money and vacation time and then we needed to find a gap between treatment to go. Even when we were on our trip I didn't post anything about it. First of all because I didn't want my house to get broken into by announcing we're away. Second because I was enjoying the trip and didn't have my phone out the whole time! I was enjoying the trip for me not for my social media followers. 

Something else I noticed about social media is that most of the people I follow are doing things. Packing to travel, cooking something delicious, spending time in a pool. A lot of celebrities instastory from their dressing room or stage before/after or during their program. All that takes so much energy. I realize now that someone like Conan is spending all his time and energy promoting his brand. He's brilliant and I love him but that sounds exhausting to me.

I barely have enough energy to get through each day. Every so often I feel like maybe I should start a new project to keep me entertained or occupied during the wait and I just can't wrap my mind around it. Gardening? The deer will just eat everything. Painting? Eh it's not worth making a mess I'll have to clean up. I wanted to organize my linen closet. It took maybe 10 minutes of work and nearly 3 days of lead time mustering up the energy to get there. 

I seem to have a What's the Point roadblock to getting started these days. Nothing seems as important as furthering treatment and getting/staying pregnant. What I need to remember is that it's not an exclusive activity, even if it does take priority. I just have to find the patience and energy for other things. 

I want to find a project that I'm passionate about. So far I'm drawing a blank on what I want to do. It seems like all my energy is spent on getting to and being productive at work, keeping the house running, and managing our treatment. On top of that trying to maintain a strict low-carb, no sugar diet. I need something to feed my mind and nourish the soul. I'll keep thinking about it; ideas welcome.