I thought I cried enough yesterday so that when I'd get the news I'd be ok, but no. I can't stop crying. I left work at lunch for some fresh air and texted my supervisor that I have a migraine and I'm not coming back for the day.
Traffic was insane this morning. There was an accident on I-695 and only one lane was squeezing by, resulting in complete gridlock during morning rush hour. I sat in 5 mph traffic for 30 min before turning on Waze and getting an alternate route taking the back roads. I got to my appointment half an hour late and the tech drawing my blood said she was stuck in the same accident over an hour earlier.
When I got the results call it went to voicemail because I have no reception in my office. I read the transcript from Google voice and gathered my things to go out for some air. I know I was expecting it, but it just goes to show how much I was holding on to hope that it was as devastating to hear as it is. We were in! We were pregnant! All it had to do was hold on another 8 months. Why? Why??
I called the doctor back to ask some questions and tried to hold myself together so that I don't sob on the phone. After a long wait, he comes on. He repeats the news. I tried asking a few questions and he said he's not in his office, he's in the hallway between patients because things are hectic. I asked whether the protocol needs to be changed or if there is something we should be doing different after three failed FETs. He tried answering my questions from memory and kept getting information wrong (like asking if I had a RPL workup -- what? no! this was the first one that stuck!). He said that he's crazy right now with one doc on vacation, another doc had an accident hurting her foot, and the major accident from this morning was still an active scene making the entire schedule insane with patients coming in late for their appointments.
At that point I lost my shit. Between sobs, I basically said that I appreciate he's in a tough situation but that this is a very hard time for me and I deserve his attention too. He tried explaining that he will call back when he's at his desk but since he's not at his office right now he might forget and if that happens I should call back. WHHHATTTT??? What kind of care is that?! It made me so upset. I could be being unreasonable, I don't know. It just seems like when you're dealing with hormonally charged women and sensitive news like this you don't just dismiss them.
Not only is the treatment not working but the doctor doesn't seem to care at all. He's like, "Well do you have anything else left in there?" Because I need to remind him. I told him we have two more in the freezer and his reaction was that we should just keep transferring until one sticks. That's it? No changing the protocol? No looking into what went wrong and what we can possibly change? No checking dosage or looking more closely if what we're doing is the right thing? Clearly what you're doing now ISN'T WORKING!!!!!!
I tried not hanging up on him, because even with all this I know I still need the clinic. I said fine, goodbye and hung up. Now I'm home sobbing and trying to understand what I did wrong to deserve this.
At that point I lost my shit. Between sobs, I basically said that I appreciate he's in a tough situation but that this is a very hard time for me and I deserve his attention too. He tried explaining that he will call back when he's at his desk but since he's not at his office right now he might forget and if that happens I should call back. WHHHATTTT??? What kind of care is that?! It made me so upset. I could be being unreasonable, I don't know. It just seems like when you're dealing with hormonally charged women and sensitive news like this you don't just dismiss them.
Not only is the treatment not working but the doctor doesn't seem to care at all. He's like, "Well do you have anything else left in there?" Because I need to remind him. I told him we have two more in the freezer and his reaction was that we should just keep transferring until one sticks. That's it? No changing the protocol? No looking into what went wrong and what we can possibly change? No checking dosage or looking more closely if what we're doing is the right thing? Clearly what you're doing now ISN'T WORKING!!!!!!
I tried not hanging up on him, because even with all this I know I still need the clinic. I said fine, goodbye and hung up. Now I'm home sobbing and trying to understand what I did wrong to deserve this.
Oh no Hun... I'm so sorry :( I think you're right, you need a discussion to try and figure out what is causing the failed FETs!! I'd keep pushing or start looking f
ReplyDeleteThanks for your continuous support, it means a lot.
ReplyDeleteI started the conversation with my doc about different options. He's supposedly an excellent doctor but that doesn't help me if he doesn't have the time of day for me.
He's sure that there's nothing wrong and his recommendation is to continue transferring, but he did list a few things we can try like the ERA or an endo scratch, neither of which he recommends at this time.
I'm not convinced that there isn't anything else to try or test and I'm not willing to just sit back and trust blindly. I don't care if I annoy him with my questions and "being needy" if it means I'll get the outcome we're paying (and praying) for.