2WW thoughts....

I woke up this morning at 4:30 AM to use the bathroom and wasn't able to fall asleep afterward. It's unusual for me to wake up in the middle of the night, but once I'm up I'm up for good. I started thinking about all the steps that we need to get through in order for this to be real.

The beta needs to come out positive (high number? I don't know much about this stage and beyond). Then there's a second blood test to confirm numbers are rising. Then there's an ultrasound to check for heartbeat. At some point after that I assume I get released to my OB/GYN for the rest of the pregnancy, which comes with its own slew of appointments and tests: anatomy scan, diabetes check, etc. etc. There are probably a bunch of things that happen that I have no idea about since we were never there before.

There's no guarantee that pregnancy will last full term without complications (protein in urine? high blood pressure? preterm labor?) and then labor and delivery need to go well and the baby needs to survive infanthood with the dreaded SIDS lurking around every corner. Once it starts eating solids you have to make sure it doesn't choke on a grape or a button lying around or randomly sticks a fork in an electrical socket.

Even once you're past all that and your kid becomes a walking toddler, happily playing on vacation, some monster can come out of the water and snatch him away. If puberty and bullying don't get to him first, he might become a young adult hanging out with his friends who ends up in a club with a terrorist and a semi-automatic weapon.

No matter what we do, we cannot predict the future or protect them forever. It scares me all the steps that need to go right in order for this to happen for us to have a health child. It scares me more to think about the responsibility entrusted to us if having a child does become a reality.

I'm no expert, but I'm going to guess that these thoughts are part of the reason I couldn't fall asleep again at 4:30 in the morning.