May

It's been a really eventful and busy month. As we turn the corner on spring and get ready for the next season, I'm thinking about all the things that I have to do over the summer. I wasn't sure what the next post was going to be but I didn't want to miss out on a May post, so I'll recap.

As pesach ended we were spit out into May at full speed. Work took over a large portion of my life. Our annual huge event happened last week and it was all-encompassing until about a minute ago. Beside for that there were also appointments and things to think about and groceries needed to be purchased and dinners needed to be somehow thought about, cooked, and eaten. Throughout all of it we were wrapping our minds around a big deal that still doesn't seem real. This week we went in for a 20 week ultrasound. It still seems surreal and scary to talk about but we couldn't be more thrilled. I'm not carrying big so besides for the people we've told no one really knows yet. I'm hesitant to share the news though I'm not entirely sure why. I kept writing since the transfer but have been hesitant to post about it on an infertility blog. It's partially sensitivity for others who may find the news difficult, partially disbelief about the content of the posts. Once I figure out a medium I'm comfortable with I'll share what I have.

That's it for May. Shabbat shalom!

Comparing

I forgot my password for the blog and things have been so busy that I just didn't have the time or headspace to deal with it. 

In a nutshell, work has been non-stop; Pesach preps have come and gone; Pesach itself was lovely. Things have been going well otherwise. I'll post a detailed update once I have time to get it all down. 

There was a story I wanted to talk about when it was fresh in the news. Anyone how knows me knows I watch the TODAY show regularly (ever since the whole Ann Curry debacle #teamann but that's another story). Dylan Dreyer is one of the meteorologists and she's fab. I follow both her and her husband, who's a cameraman on Nightly News, on insta. They're lovely people and it seems like they have it all. 

Recently she opened up about her struggle with secondary infertility. When she and her husband talked about it together on the show, something they said really resonated: "Pain is pain, joy is joy." The same morning they talked about their fertility issues, another cast member announced her pregnancy with her surprise, unexpected third baby. Dylan and her husband were clear that another person's joy is their joy, and their pain is their pain. One doesn't take away from the other. You can be happy for someone else's joy while still feeling your own feelings. At the same time, no one needs to compare one pain to another. If one lady had three miscarriages it doesn't disqualify someone who had "only" one. Each person is entitled to their own feelings. We're here to lend support to one another and that's the part that matters.

Vaccines

The measles outbreak is complete insanity. There is absolutely no religious reason preventing anyone from receiving these life-saving immunizations. Anyone stating that they don't vaccinate because of religious restrictions is confused and mistaken.

The Orthodox Union has stated: "There are halachic (Jewish law) obligations to care for one’s own health as well as to take measures to prevent harm and illness to others, and Jewish law defers to the consensus of medical experts in determining and prescribing appropriate medical responses to illness and prevention."

I'm usually fairly polite and diplomatic when my opinion differs from others. When it comes to matters like this there is no gray area and it infuriates me that people still believe the bogus claims against vaccinations. It's black and white: everyone who can should be vaccinated. There's no buts. There's no maybe. If your child is healthy and old enough, they should be getting the shots on time. If you're concerned about potential risks, seek therapy to get you through your anxiety but vaccinate your child in the meantime.

There are too many immuno-compromised, ill, too young, and old people who are not protected. If you don't vaccinate, you're putting everyone else at risk. If you don't believe in vaccinations, I can't deal with your type of crazy and I make sure to stay far away.

People have become too open-minded and it's taken a toll on the most vulnerable in our community. Enough is enough! If you've been blessed with children you should do everything you can to protect them against harm and part of your responsibility to protect them against preventable diseases.

Relationships are complicated

• I follow a few food bloggers on Instagram. Last year one unexpectedly lost her 2 month old baby. It was devastating to the entire community and all her tens of thousands of followers. She's been storying for a while but I had only started following her weeks before the tragedy. Since then I've started following a few others and just this past week tragedy struck one of the other bloggers. A young mom of 5 suddenly lost her husband. He was only 40. I don't pretend to understand their pain; I can't imagine what they're going through. But I feel so sad for them. I feel some pain on their behalf. I feel their suffering and I'm so sorry for what they're going through.

• I was supposed to have lunch today with someone but they had to cancel because of a last minute work meeting. I'm disappointed. I guess I was looking forward to it more than I realized.

• I found out that two work friends are going out to dinner next Fri night on a double date. Fomo? Perhaps a bit. I assume they wouldn't have talked about it in front of me if I wasn't supposed to know. We weren't invited is because it's on Fri night. Technically they can do another evening but with work schedules and childcare Fri nights seem to be a popular time to go out. When I made noise one of them mentioned, well if you hosted us for Shabbat dinner then we could be all together! While that's true, it's not the same. My house is not a restaurant and I'm not a short order cook. Going out and spending time with friends is a lot less stressful than creating a menu, shopping, cleaning, and cooking to host. Even if I do go through all that effort, there's a chance the four of them may go out for drinks after and they'll still have fun without us. I don't blame my religious preferences regarding Shabbat or keeping kosher. I think what stings is that they have more in common with each other and I'm naturally phased out.

• My neighbor's birthday was this week. She's much younger than me and has three kids. Literally the only thing we have in common is that we live near each other, but she's a nice person and I try to make an effort. I was at the store and picked up cookies, flowers, and a card and dropped them off. Her reaction was so sweet. She said it made her day. It made me happy that I was able to bring someone else joy. It wasn't even $10 spent and I didn't go out of my way - I was at the store anyway. Yet I can't even begin to count how many times I went back and forth in my mind about whether or not this was weird and should I just post a message on her fb wall instead. It was giving me anxiety to reach out with a kind gesture, as though I was breaking some cultural rule of being uncool. I don't know. I hope that the more often I step out of my comfort zone the less awkward it will feel with time.

My natural inclination is to believe that people want to be left alone, have enough friends, and aren't interested in connecting. I shy away even at the slightest hint of disinterest. I never want to feel like I'm forcing someone to be my friend. Over the years I've found myself on one-sided relationships where I would reach out and not hear back. Years ago I decided I don't enjoy one-sided relationships like that and they aren't worth my time or energy. These days if I don't hear back I just let it fizzle. If they want to reach me they know how. Relationships are complicated. It takes work and interest from both parties.

At the end of the day everyone wants to feel connected. Everyone wants to be wanted and loved. People need people. In times of happiness, in times of sadness, and everything in between. Some of us need more "by myself time" than others but for the most part we need each other. The most I can do is take steps outside my comfort zone, be open to new relationships, and see where that takes me.

News and Purim

I was unable to resist the college admissions scandal in the latest news cycle. For starters, it's refreshing to see a story that doesn't include that guy in the White House. It's also something that doesn't include murder or #metoo or kidnapping. It was just a juicy gossip story with new layers uncovered every day.

The thought exercises it lends to are also fascinating: the merit kids who didn't get in because someone else bough their seat - where are they now? Should the kids of the celebrities get punished for their parents' crimes? How was it allowed to go on in these prestigious universities? How can they prevent it from happening again?

The news cycle has moved on from details of the specific celebrity stories to general snowplow parenting. Kids can't become functioning adults if they never have a chance to develop their problem solving skills.

In other news, Purim yesterday was really nice. We opted to do the seuda with a large shul which meant not only significantly less work on my part but a really fun, festive way to celebrate. My RE gets back from maternity leave next Monday which seems to have flown by and taken forever at the same time. Pesach preps are well under way, and by that I mean I've started thinking about it and nothing else.

This is 35

Happiness takes work but it is a choice. During the Jewish month of Adar we increase our joy. It's not just automatic, but it's more easily accessible. One example I was taught was that it's as though He has opened up the happiness tap and all we have to do is reach out catch it raining down on us. It's available and there, but we do our part to gather it. So I've been working on happiness, positivity, being present.

At this point in my life, solid mid-30s, I don't have patience to do things I don't want to. I don't feel like I owe anyone an explanation for anything I choose. I appreciate genuine honest interactions more. I don't want to feel like I'm wishing my time away until xyz happens. For better or worse, this is my journey and it's up to me to make an effort to enjoy every day.

Over the weekend we celebrated my birthday. Friday was the actual day but I went to work and it was just us for dinner. Saturday night we went out with friends but I didn't keep my phone out so there isn't even a single picture - so did it really happen? On Sunday my family hosted a nice party. I took Monday off just to chill. I ended up spending some of the day getting the bathroom ready for the updating, but that's a different kind of joy since I'm so excited for this reno.

Tomorrow is a heavy date that's been weighing on me. While I've been trying not to let past baggage weigh me down I can't deny that it's on my mind. Working on trying to be positive about what's ahead.

Insurance update

So after 37 emails back and forth (gmail counted for me), and three phone calls, I think we have the insurance situation handled for the moment. I got a lot of assurances that included phrases like: "delay in billing," "readjust some of the balances," "apply more of an adjustment," and "credit will be returned." I'm glad I insisted on it getting escalated until I got an answer. This part of fertility treatment is no joke - it's almost like a full time job keeping it all straight.

For the moment, things are still going back and forth between the insurance and clinic which I was told could take another 30 to 60 days. In the meantime though no payment is due while they hash it out. There's still a fat chance we may owe a chunk because the benefits did max out sometime in the fall, but it may not be as steep as originally thought.

In other news, nearly as important, I recently discovered quesadillas. This is definitely a life enhancing discovery.