Relationships are complicated

• I follow a few food bloggers on Instagram. Last year one unexpectedly lost her 2 month old baby. It was devastating to the entire community and all her tens of thousands of followers. She's been storying for a while but I had only started following her weeks before the tragedy. Since then I've started following a few others and just this past week tragedy struck one of the other bloggers. A young mom of 5 suddenly lost her husband. He was only 40. I don't pretend to understand their pain; I can't imagine what they're going through. But I feel so sad for them. I feel some pain on their behalf. I feel their suffering and I'm so sorry for what they're going through.

• I was supposed to have lunch today with someone but they had to cancel because of a last minute work meeting. I'm disappointed. I guess I was looking forward to it more than I realized.

• I found out that two work friends are going out to dinner next Fri night on a double date. Fomo? Perhaps a bit. I assume they wouldn't have talked about it in front of me if I wasn't supposed to know. We weren't invited is because it's on Fri night. Technically they can do another evening but with work schedules and childcare Fri nights seem to be a popular time to go out. When I made noise one of them mentioned, well if you hosted us for Shabbat dinner then we could be all together! While that's true, it's not the same. My house is not a restaurant and I'm not a short order cook. Going out and spending time with friends is a lot less stressful than creating a menu, shopping, cleaning, and cooking to host. Even if I do go through all that effort, there's a chance the four of them may go out for drinks after and they'll still have fun without us. I don't blame my religious preferences regarding Shabbat or keeping kosher. I think what stings is that they have more in common with each other and I'm naturally phased out.

• My neighbor's birthday was this week. She's much younger than me and has three kids. Literally the only thing we have in common is that we live near each other, but she's a nice person and I try to make an effort. I was at the store and picked up cookies, flowers, and a card and dropped them off. Her reaction was so sweet. She said it made her day. It made me happy that I was able to bring someone else joy. It wasn't even $10 spent and I didn't go out of my way - I was at the store anyway. Yet I can't even begin to count how many times I went back and forth in my mind about whether or not this was weird and should I just post a message on her fb wall instead. It was giving me anxiety to reach out with a kind gesture, as though I was breaking some cultural rule of being uncool. I don't know. I hope that the more often I step out of my comfort zone the less awkward it will feel with time.

My natural inclination is to believe that people want to be left alone, have enough friends, and aren't interested in connecting. I shy away even at the slightest hint of disinterest. I never want to feel like I'm forcing someone to be my friend. Over the years I've found myself on one-sided relationships where I would reach out and not hear back. Years ago I decided I don't enjoy one-sided relationships like that and they aren't worth my time or energy. These days if I don't hear back I just let it fizzle. If they want to reach me they know how. Relationships are complicated. It takes work and interest from both parties.

At the end of the day everyone wants to feel connected. Everyone wants to be wanted and loved. People need people. In times of happiness, in times of sadness, and everything in between. Some of us need more "by myself time" than others but for the most part we need each other. The most I can do is take steps outside my comfort zone, be open to new relationships, and see where that takes me.