Thanksgiving 2020

Thanksgiving this year was different. Like millions of others, we stayed home. In the past we celebrated with the entire family. I would make the bird and stuffing and rolls. Others made apps and sides and desserts and brought drinks and paper goods and decorations and entertainment. There would be a fun, festive feeling and a warm atmosphere of togetherness. Eventually the kids would get cranky, politics would undoubtedly come up, loud disagreements about mundane things would be discussed, and we'd all remember how grateful we are to not live under the same roof. It would swing back up with singing and dancing and laughter. At the end of the evening, with full bellies and some last chuckles, everyone would gather their coats and head out. Memories made with the photos to remember them. 

This year there was none of that. I didn't feel like being in the kitchen all day on my one day off to make a turkey we wouldn't eat half of. We had an awkward zoom call around lunch to celebrate a family birthday. We went outside to enjoy some of the beautiful unseasonably warm weather, but mainly spent the day trading "shifts" so that each other can feel some freedom of time off for a change.  I missed the traditions, I missed the togetherness. I even missed the eye-roll of the conversations we had a thousand times before and had no interest in hearing anymore about who went gluten free by choice. 

After we put baby to bed I scrolled through social media and ate my heart out even more watching stories of people who actually did gather with family and had those traditions. Maybe they quarantined 2 weeks before and got tested and were all negative. Maybe. I want to believe that the dire predictions are just an exaggeration. But considering how many people are traveling and how many people are not being as careful anymore makes me very worried. It makes me want to gather the people I love and head into a bunker until this is all over. 

Being alone for the holiday isn't new to us. We spent Pesach alone, still reeling from the shock of losing my father-in-law to covid. We spent Shavuot alone. Months later we spent the Jewish new year, Rosh Hashanah alone. But Thanksgiving hit harder. Maybe because we didn't think it would still be a thing in November. Maybe because things are getting worse, not better. Maybe because the novelty and panic have been replaced by anger over how mismanaged this pandemic has been. Maybe because there are still people resisting wearing a mask. Maybe because we're 9 months into a pandemic and some people still don't believe it exists, even as they're dying from it in the hospital. 

I think people have gotten weirder in isolation. Myself included. I'm not even talking about re-learning how to wear normal pants. I mean being able to have a conversation with someone without navigating away from their face to multi-task something else online while they talk, like I do now on Zoom. 

I know I'm missing social interaction but I don't know what I want. Between the masks and distance, being with people feels exhausting. Phone conversations these days feel exhausting. I prefer texting and even then sometimes the effort of coming up with a response feels like an accomplishment. I want a change of scenery but nowhere feels safe. Even if we had a location to go to, packing up everything we'd need for an overnight trip feels like a monumental effort. 

My response to this is to try to check in with friends. If they're not checking in on me maybe it means they're in the same funk. I try not to take it personally and instead start up a conversation, regardless of how much mental energy it costs. We wear masks to protect each other physically. I think checking in is a way to check in on each other's mental health. 

Stay strong. Stay healthy.

Non breaking news

Random thoughts below.

I have screen fatigue. Everything is with a screen. Work. Socializing. Communicating with family. Entertainment. My head hurts. My eyes hurt.

Like the rest of the country we've been ODing on news coverage of the elections.  Too Close To Call has been heard Too Many Times over the past week but at least we got news. I hope the transition resolves quickly. 

We sold our second car. Since March one car is more than enough. It was a hassle and annoying to have to take turns at the dealership because both of us are on the title and needed to sign the paperwork, which meant keeping the baby in the car for a while. It was an annoying adult process but I'm glad we did it and happy it's behind us. Just a few years ago I couldn't wait until we had a second car.

Cases continue to go up in our state. Our governor held a press conference yesterday to give people an update and last week he told people to "just wear the damn masks." I would vote for him as president.

I watch the Today show regularly and was sad to hear of Al Roker's news that he has prostate cancer. It's the kind of news that hits me in the gut because I know anyone at any time can get any diagnosis. We've been so consumed by worrying about this pandemic but regular fears are still there. Every time I have a cramp I worry. Every time I get a headache I worry. I play out the worst case scenario and tear up. Then I swallow the lump in my throat and tell myself to shake it off. Sometimes it's easier than others. The constant anxiety isn't helping. It's as though my brain seems to feel comfort in worrying because everything else is out of control. 

My office is still open even as the pandemic rages on. I've lost momentum with my job hunt. The applications I sent out went unanswered. There were few responses and mainly along the lines of "we hired internally" which makes me believe they weren't actually looking. Hiring freezes, competing with so many unemployed people, and finding time to fill out the tedious applications are all challenges. I'm grateful to still have an income and try to stay positive so that I don't become bitter.

I joined DietBet. I did it in October and didn't reach the goal but neither did the other participants so I won since I'd lost the most. I joined again for November and am in a much larger pot of people (and $). I find it low-key motivating which is what I'm looking for right now. The goal is to lose 4% body weight in 4 weeks. So far I'm 38% toward the goal with 16 days left. 

Wearing a mask with glasses is annoying so I've been wearing contacts more often. I wear the daily ones. I tried reordering and they said my prescription is expired. 

Earlier this week we were both feeling election withdrawal. By Monday the adrenaline wore off and the celebrations around the world simmered down. The 24/7 election coverage was done even though the news coverage continues. It just felt like we were part of something that connected the entire world and then it was over. Back to being distant. Disconnected. Apart. Historically I haven't been the most social person which translates into a smaller social group of people to reach out to right now and I find that I'm missing the connection. I miss having meaningful social interactions.

On the flip side of all this anxiety and looming depression on the far other side of the spectrum is baby boy. He's learning new words, coming up with fun tricks, exploring and tasting everything, and is just fun to be around. I miss him when we're not together and love coming home to his delighted squeals. In a million years I never would have thought I'd enjoy being home with the baby as much as I am enjoying it. If we were in a place financially where I could be home for the next few years I would do it. We're tag-teaming between us while both working full time and it's challenging and exhausting but so worth it. We're getting to enjoy him and watch him grow every day. He is such a blessing among all this poo.

I've started getting asked when our boy will become a big brother. Not unexpected. Even though it did not at all factor into our decision to keep him home, we're saving a lot on daycare since he's home. Once he turns two the cost decreases by 30% because the ratios are different by that age. I used up all my accrued time off for the last maternity leave so I'd likely have to take an unpaid time off. Maybe by the time this is relevant we'll have universal paid parental leave and affordable childcare options due to the new leadership. Regardless, it's on my mind. I'm not conflicted about it, I'm just dragging my feet because it requires so much mental energy that I don't have. I want to lose weight. I want to figure out what's going on with the liver thing. I want them to figure out what's happening with this virus. I want to try to get to a new job, stabilize our income, and get back into somewhat normal life. On the other hand.... tick tock. No one is getting younger and there's no guarantee about anything or how long it will take. So it's on my mind but I don't have it figured out yet.

Hope you and your loved ones are staying healthy and safe.

Birthday firsts

Our little guy turned one earlier this month. Something I heard in the early days after his birth was, "The hours are long but the days are short," which I felt to be very true as we neared his first birthday. In the depth of sleep deprivation it felt like an era that would stretch on forever and I couldn't see past it. Then in the blink of an eye he's a toddler.

The daily tasks of keeping a baby happy are exhausting but I enjoy every minute of it: feeding him, changing him, bathing him, playing with him. Doing all this while working full time from home is its own special ordeal, but absolutely worth it. Fitting meetings around nap times and remembering to keep fresh fruits and vegetables in stock and trying to present balanced meals that he will eat and remembering to stay hydrated myself so he'll have something to nurse. It's a non-stop juggling act, like every motherhood story, made more intense by the lack of any assistance in childcare outside the two of us because of the pandemic. Maybe there have been some outbursts over the past few months, but show me one couple who hasn't had the occasional meltdown during past 8 months. 

When he wants a hug, he just crawls over for a quick cuddle. We get to see him interacting with his toys and be delighted when he sees a squirrel or dog outside. We get to be there to teach him and feed him and enjoy him, instead of sending him to a daycare that would get to do all those things for 8-9 hours a day if things were still how they were pre-pandemic. If there's a silver lining from all the madness and tragedy of the past year I would consider this in the top 3.

We are still strict about social distance. All our groceries are delivered and we don't go anywhere unless necessary - so far that's been limited to doctor's appointments. For his birthday I wanted the opportunity for him to see our family who are all under strict quarantine for various reasons. I advocated to work from home over the Jewish holidays which was a time span of three weeks. That would give me the necessary 14 days of quarantine and then we'd get a week to hang out with family without masks or social distancing. 

On his Hebrew birthday we both took the day off. The morning of his birthday we took a picnic to a local farm with one other family. The weather was beautiful and we kept our distance from the other family and any other people at the farm. After the picnic we got home in time for his afternoon nap. While he was napping I put the finishing touches on his birthday cake. We had a photographer come to our backyard, masked and with a long lens camera so he kept his distance. The plan was to take a few family photos of us and then do a cake smash. Since we were outside the baby kept getting distracted by leaves, which means that he barely touched the cake but we still got some great shots. After the photoshoot we cleaned up and I cut off the part of the cake that was smooshed. There was about 3/4 of the cake left completely untouched and intact so I cut it up into slices and wrapped each one individually. We then invited family members to visit us in the yard to give him a birthday kiss and pick up a slice of cake. 

Even though we did everything right (strict quarantine 2 weeks, etc) and they were now in our pod, we didn't want to have a big gathering for multiple reasons. For starters, it looks bad. I don't care about being judged but I do think there's something to be said about normalizing masks and social distancing. I don't want a neighbor or passerby thinking that it's now ok to have gatherings because "everyone else is doing it." Second, I didn't want it to be too overwhelming for the baby. After seeing just us for months at a time I thought it would be too much to have so many people showering him with attention all at once. The one-at-a-time method worked really well because that meant that the guest visiting had the baby all to themselves and we weren't passing him around and around. Baby got birthday attention, the visitor had our undivided attention, and everyone was happy with a slice of cake to-go. It was a beautiful day and I'm glad we got to spend it together. 

A few days later we had the one year well visit at the doctor's office. He's 55th percentile for height and about half that for weight. Doctor was pleased overall saying he's on his own growth curve. I still try to sneak in avocado and other fats whenever I can to plump him up, but my string bean baby is constantly on the move burning up those calories as they come in. Then came the shots. There were lots of tears. I think what made it worse this time was that they took bloodwork first. For the first time he had to have his arm held down while they looked for a vein and he really did not like that AT ALL. By the time they got to the four (4!!!) sticks in his thighs he was already beside himself. He's generally a very happy, mellow guy but this was not at all to his liking and he made sure to let us know. He was fine by the time we got to the car. I'm sorry baby... I don't like seeing you sad but I prefer slight temporary discomfort over preventable childhood diseases. 

Some cousins dropped off birthday presents. It was very sweet and kind of surprised me - I honestly wasn't expecting presents. I had actually gotten several new toys for him during prime day so he had a bunch of new and exciting things to play with. One cousin drew a birthday card which now lives on our fridge. When his legal birthday came up it was a more mellow celebration with just the three of us, since by then we were out of the pod again, but special just the same. We reminisced about where we were this time last year and I sent a text to my doula thanking her and sharing a picture of the baby. Thinking about it now, I probably should also send a picture to our RE. We will eventually be revisiting that conversation but we both agreed we're not there yet. Among other things, I want to see what's the deal with this pandemic and whether putting myself in a situation that requires multiple doctor's appointments and juggling all that without childcare is even possible. 

So for now, we're just enjoying our toddler. Happy birthday, baby boy!

Drained

I'm finding it hard to carve out time for "extras" like writing here or responding to texts within a reasonable time frame. Showering for 10 minutes feels luxurious. Our ray of sunshine, the love of our lives and the light of our world with zero survival skills and extremely speedy movement, is officially a toddler. This post got a little wordy so more on his birthday and one year well visit will have to wait for another post. 

While I no longer feel physically drained like I did in the past few months (because sleep is magical), I definitely feel mentally and emotionally drained. Feeling like fewer people are taking the pandemic seriously, even while numbers continue to rise, is draining. The political climate is draining. The state of the world -- nay, the UNIVERSE (hello asteroid) -- is draining. Will it ever feel like the sky isn't falling? 

I advocated to work from home for the duration of the holidays so that we could spend our boy's birthday with the family who is all in one quarantined pod. Each segment is high risk for a different reason so they are all extremely strict with the quarantine and have each other for socialization. Because I'm obligated to be in the office, we were excluded from the pod and had to social distance and mask up whenever we visited. It's a busy time at work but I said if they didn't let me wfh I would take 3 weeks vacation. They begrudgingly allowed it temporarily for during the holidays.

My employer insists on "showing strength" and "being present" by telling us that we have to be in the office. I strongly disagree with this and believe it puts us at unnecessary risk during a still very much active pandemic. I feel like if I can do my job from home, since it's all online anyway, then I should have the option to stay home. It makes absolutely no sense to me to force people to come in if they don't have to. Worse, I'm sitting in the office wearing an envo mask under my surgical mask... on zoom meetings. To help with social distancing, the office has to be at 50% capacity at any given time so we're each supposed to be in the office 2-3 days a week. To them that's the compromise. They don't get (care?) that any breaking of the quarantine means we're excluded from the family pod. That means no help with childcare, no playdates with cousins, no social interaction at all. There are also people who prefer to come in to the office to get away from their spouse or kids, so it's not like the office would be empty if we didn't come in. 

I usually sit in an open, high-traffic area. I asked for an office with a door for the time I'm in the building. They couldn't accommodate that so they put movable mechitza walls around my desk. They're covered in black felt and meant to absorb sound. So not only is it hard to hear me through my mask but I basically have to shout to be heard from someone standing outside my enclosure. It's easier to email.... it would be hilarious if it wasn't so ironically frustrating. 

Under normal circumstances there are many pros to my job, but I've toyed with the idea of finding a new one for years. The current situation has stripped away all those pros and what filtered out is a concentrated dose of the cons. I'm becoming more miserable by the day and feel like a wilting flower. It feels like no matter how hard I work -- and trying to work full time while taking care of an active toddler is extra draining -- it's still not enough. There is no way to get work done while he's trying to steal my phone or help me type on the laptop. Naps are dedicated to getting work done and quickly answering emails while people are responsive. After bedtime I spend at least another 2-4 hours nightly getting work done. Evenings, weekends, Sundays... there's no down time. There's no separation between work and life anymore. The expectations are sky high and there doesn't seem to be any appreciation for how thinly my sanity is being stretched to get things done in such an unusual environment. 

I had my resume reviewed by a professional HR manager. My LinkedIn profile is updated and I'm looking for connections and any jobs that may be a good fit. I don't have a niche where I fit in, which is good in normal-job hunting because it means I can fit anywhere, but it also means I don't have a specific job title to search for. I started by looking for only remote jobs but have since expanded to to include those that aren't. I can't afford to not work but I'm willing to take a pay cut and start at a lower level to get my foot in the door to a good place. 

This past Sunday it felt so good to get things done after a month of having Yom Tov on Sundays. We took down the sukkah, installed a baby gate, got some decluttering taken care of. You know how sometimes things just pile up and you start feeling like the walls are hugging you? Getting rid of things you no longer use feels so freeing. Good weather always helps too. 

I'm having a hard time keeping up with the grocery orders. Keeping fruits and vegetables in stock and using them before they go bad is a losing battle. Last night I cooked dinner for the first time since I-can't-remember-when and it was a nice change from cereal. 

So that's where I'm at. A friend went through surgery earlier this week and I heard about it second hand because I'm so out of touch. I feel guilty, and conflicted for not feeling more guilty.  Please forgive me if it takes longer to respond to your text. Please don't be mad if I haven't called in a while. Please feel free to send me job prospects. 

Rosh Hashanah 5781

This year's Rosh Hashanah was a little different. We didn't go to shul and we didn't host guests or go out. Because of the pandemic things were very different than previous years. My husband spent the summer practicing how to blow the Shofar. The neighbors lined up on the sidewalk and he blew the Shofar outside. 

I tried hard to make the holiday feel festive even without the usual things we used to take for granted. I got the baby a tiny suit that came with a hat and soft shoes. It was all I could do to not smoosh him with kisses long enough to take a picture. I tried several new recipes and we had delicious meals. We limited our usual amount of challah with honey and instead invested in some new exotic (to us) fruit like a prickly pear, some weird melons, papaya, and quince. The weather was absolutely beautiful and we spent a lot of time in our backyard along with the neighbors in their yards, essentially experiencing parallel holidays instead of our usual potluck. It was nice to socialize outdoors and pretend things were normal. 

The start of the holiday season means that our little guy's birthday is coming up. This time last year I was 9 months pregnant waiting for his arrival any day. There are a lot of emotions that come up when thinking about the last year. I started making him a photo album and going through the pictures was incredibly emotional. I negotiated spending the next few weeks working from home so that we can be fully quarantined in order to celebrate his birthday with other family members who are in an enclosed bubble because everyone is high risk for various reasons. 

I haven't decided what to do about breastfeeding past a year but I'm leaning toward weening so I can take a more active approach to losing weight. I'm+8 lbs from pre-transfer weight, which is about where I was at 6 weeks postpartum.  During the height of the pandemic I maxed out at +19 from my pp weight. It was partially because of no sleep (trying to eat myself awake), anxiety, and turning every mushy fruit into a muffin. We've since gotten that somewhat under control. 

We always said that we'd give him a year before thinking about next ttc steps, so now that it's nearly here we've started the discussion about a potential #2. We have to be mentally ready for the roller coaster and I'm not sure I'm there yet. We also have to be ready to do this in a pandemic... with a toddler... and no help. I'm not sure I'm ready for that either. On the other hand, is delaying anything going to help? I'm glad we started the conversation but I'm also glad we agreed to table it for a bit. 

Wishing everyone a happy, healthy, successful, and sweet new year.

Bananas

The past few weeks have been rough. I found myself really struggling mentally and emotionally. With the seasons changing, summer turning to fall and leaves starting to hit the ground, vacation turning to school mode, there are a lot of changes. One thing that has not changed is that there is still a global pandemic with an infectious virus still very much a threat. I feel stuck in a rut and no matter how much I want to "go back to normal" or move forward we just can't. It feels like we're being asked to swim with both hands and feet tied to an anchor. 

It's gotten to a point where I feel mentally drained. The task of keeping my house somewhat organized and clean has gotten overwhelming. I never had regular cleaning help but I used to have a crew coming every few months to do a scrub and reset everything. They haven't been here since winter. The task of keeping the fridge and pantry stocked even while not going to stores is a constant. Trying to keep track of what we have and what we need to use before it goes bad. I've made more muffins this summer than ever before, in all flavors and varieties, in attempts to use up fruit before it turns. The other day there were bananas on the counter right in my line of sight every time I entered the kitchen. They looked more sad and mushy every time I passed by but I just couldn't muster up the energy to do something - anything - with them. I couldn't even deal with peeling/chopping/bagging for the freezer to join their friends from previous months. I just wanted to give myself permission to ignore one thing without feeling guilt. I couldn't do it - they ended up in some baby mash over the next few days. 

This week is the first week of daycare. We told the director we're not sending right now and they're being lovely about it, probably since we didn't request our deposit back. I'm really hoping to send him once it feels safe. In the meantime since we're technically enrolled we're included in all the communications and it's frustrating to see what could be if we had a few hours of childcare per day. I don't even need full time, just a few hours. I think he would really enjoy it too. 

My friend lost her father in April. Her neighbors held a memorial dinner last week. She told me about it but said she understood if I don't come because of my discomfort around people these days. I suggested a zoom link so I could be included which she loved because that way family members out of town were able to join as well. I could see the dinner guests sitting about 4 feet apart on a deck (connected to someone's home, so you couldn't avoid going into the house) without masks. I considered going but I know I would have been the weirdo in a hazmat suit sitting 15 feet away, changing the vibe of the evening. I wanted to be there to support my friend but it wasn't about me. It was still frustrating to feel like this is one more thing the pandemic took control over. 

Several family members have formed a pod. They basically don't see anyone or go anywhere other than each other. Since I need to show up at the office once a week, we're excluded from the pod. We were trying to figure out a way to celebrate a family member's upcoming birthday in a socially distant way where everyone could be included. The idea was to have an outdoor movie projecting on a wall and everyone bring their own snacks. It was a good idea in theory, but besides for the bugs and humidity, it doesn't get dark until 8:30 which was too late for a lot of people. The idea was put on a back burner and I was told the party would be postponed. The next morning I see pictures of a get-together on our family whatsapp group. Turned out that the birthday celebrant was invited over for cake. Other members of the pod dropped in. A present materialized out of nowhere. Music started up and it was suddenly a party. It happened organically, which is fine, I don't fault them for getting together. But no one thought to open up a zoom room for us. It's gotten to the point that not only are they physically distant but we're starting to get completely forgotten. I wasn't angry, just sad about one more thing to miss out on. I asked for an explanation and got sincere apologies from everyone involved. I could make it into a federal case but that's not what I want. I let it go and moved on for the sake of peace. 

I had an interview last week. It was more of a screening. A friend recommended me to a company who has remote openings but the budget isn't approved yet so they're not actively offering anything. I'm very eager to get a new job. Not only was my salary reduced but hours have increased. At all hours of the day and evening we can be on -call. Sometimes we have meetings at 8:30 pm because that when everyone is available. There's no separation from work and home life. I know that finding a remote job during a pandemic is like looking for a unicorn but I can't let that stop me from trying. Things can get slightly better if I work remotely but my employer wants to hear none of it. I can get some help with childcare and stop the madness of trying to work full time while simultaneously entertaining a near-toddler whose current life mission is to discover gravity by experimenting with his head. When he's up he needs careful supervision, and when he naps or after bedtime is when I cram in work, try to throw in a load of laundry, prep food, respond to texts. We tag team as much as we can but it's still just the two of us each with our own full time job. 

I don't regret our decision to keep him home for the time being. It's the only way I feel I can protect him. But I'm feeling the weight of this challenge. This pandemic. The politics. The insecurity over what's to come. Part of me wants to believe that if we just hold on a little longer things may take a turn. What am I hoping will change? I don't know specifically. I just have to believe that there is hope and that this won't last forever. 

Best Interest

At the start of the pandemic shutdown it felt like time was standing still while we held our collective breath to see what happens. For a while I had trouble keeping track of the days and weeks - if it weren't for Shabbat to ground me then every day would have been the same. Every day was similar: going nowhere, doing nothing, and glued to the news to figure out what in the world is happening. The days passed and eventually we got used to the new schedule. Days turned to weeks which turned to months and suddenly we're in August with a fast approaching deadline about what to do with the fall. 

There are people who have gotten used to the new world. They're out and about in a way that works for their family. Then there are those of us who are still as worried today as we were in the tail-end of March. I'm not sure if it's PPD rearing it's head again, or it's the result of being home too much, or maybe a combo with a bit of both, but I've noticed my heightened anxiety about other things too.  A few weeks ago we decided to drive to a lake to have a picnic. The drive was about 25 min to get there. When we had gone about a mile away from home I started to feel uneasy. The what-ifs started rolling: what if we get a flat tire? What if someone rear-ends us? What if the car suddenly overheats? These were both rational and irrational fears. In regular times, if any of those things happen, you just call for help. AAA does their thing and you get a ruined afternoon and a story out of it. But these aren't regular times. The simple inconvenience of a misbehaving car could turn deadly if the AAA tech is a positive case exposing us to the virus we've been hiding from until now.

As it turned out, we ended up getting to the lake and seeing that it was crowded, with few people wearing masks. So we drove around a bit to see the lake and then turned around and headed home. No incidents in the hour round trip, thankfully. I wasn't so anxious that I couldn't function. I was driving while my husband kept the baby entertained in the back. We were listening to music and chatting. Overall it was a pleasant outing, minus the last ten minutes when the baby had had enough. He's not used to being strapped in that long considering how infrequently we venture out with the car these days. But the background anxiety was there, lurking just below the surface. 

Everything feels like impending disaster. It's obviously not healthy to think this way but not unusual for what's going on in the world. It's justified and concerning at the same time. As long as I'm self-aware enough to recognize it I feel like I have it under control. But the simmering anxiety makes me question my gut which is something I've always felt I could rely on without question. 

There are some things that are just facts and don't require much overthinking. The pandemic is not yet under control. There is a risk of getting the virus when people are within close proximity, especially when they're not wearing a mask. It is unknown who will have complications or just be asymptomatic if infected. It is not known if a vaccine will fix this issue. Those are just black and white facts. 

Then there are the gray areas which are what's keeping me up at night. With all the precautions being taken by schools, will they be able to prevent the spread of the virus? Even with all the precautions, will there still be an outbreak and any school that opens eventually get closed again? Will going to get my own groceries instead of getting delivery put my family at risk? Will being fully quarantined for two weeks prevent us from spreading the virus to our extended family if we want to see them and hug them?  If they do open schools and there is a huge increase in cases will we go back to square one and shut everything down? There are so many unknowns. 

My job is no longer allowing us to fully work from home starting in a few weeks. I don't know the exact plan for what they expect from us (especially since offices need to be staffed at max 60% to encourage social distancing). I know working from home while doing full time childcare is not ideal, from both the employee and employers standpoint. In fact, it's really difficult to juggle and quite exhausting. But the alternative is sending him to daycare which I'm convinced will put him at an incredible risk. 

If we could afford to live off of one salary that would be my first choice and I would care for the baby while my husband worked. My second choice would be to to continue working from home during naps and walks and after bedtime. I do not want to be forced to send him to daycare so that I can keep my job. I can't imagine feeling good about that. Anticipating this I started sending out my resume several months ago. While I'm sure they're out there, I'm having a hard time finding companies that aren't on a hiring freeze and have jobs available that are fully remote. 

After thinking about it for a while - since this is what keeps me up at night - I realized what bothers me the most about the reopening plan. The problem is that on a leadership level, starting from the White House and seemingly from my employer, we are being told to trust blindly that they have things under control when it clearly isn't. It gives me no comfort to hear the president say that if we stop testing we'll stop having cases. Since leadership inspires no confidence, I feel like I need to rely on my gut. 

Is my gut broken because of overuse and decision fatigue from the last few months? I'm reluctant to ignore it now when it seems like it could literally be a life and death situation. If it comes down to it, do I quit my job so that I don't have to send him to daycare? I don't know what to do and I don't see a path how to fix this. I know I'm not alone in this - there are millions of other people worrying about health vs income. 

I'm mentally exhausted and don't know how to recharge to be able to think things through more clearly. I don't want to make a rash decision or feel backed into a corner.