Best Interest

At the start of the pandemic shutdown it felt like time was standing still while we held our collective breath to see what happens. For a while I had trouble keeping track of the days and weeks - if it weren't for Shabbat to ground me then every day would have been the same. Every day was similar: going nowhere, doing nothing, and glued to the news to figure out what in the world is happening. The days passed and eventually we got used to the new schedule. Days turned to weeks which turned to months and suddenly we're in August with a fast approaching deadline about what to do with the fall. 

There are people who have gotten used to the new world. They're out and about in a way that works for their family. Then there are those of us who are still as worried today as we were in the tail-end of March. I'm not sure if it's PPD rearing it's head again, or it's the result of being home too much, or maybe a combo with a bit of both, but I've noticed my heightened anxiety about other things too.  A few weeks ago we decided to drive to a lake to have a picnic. The drive was about 25 min to get there. When we had gone about a mile away from home I started to feel uneasy. The what-ifs started rolling: what if we get a flat tire? What if someone rear-ends us? What if the car suddenly overheats? These were both rational and irrational fears. In regular times, if any of those things happen, you just call for help. AAA does their thing and you get a ruined afternoon and a story out of it. But these aren't regular times. The simple inconvenience of a misbehaving car could turn deadly if the AAA tech is a positive case exposing us to the virus we've been hiding from until now.

As it turned out, we ended up getting to the lake and seeing that it was crowded, with few people wearing masks. So we drove around a bit to see the lake and then turned around and headed home. No incidents in the hour round trip, thankfully. I wasn't so anxious that I couldn't function. I was driving while my husband kept the baby entertained in the back. We were listening to music and chatting. Overall it was a pleasant outing, minus the last ten minutes when the baby had had enough. He's not used to being strapped in that long considering how infrequently we venture out with the car these days. But the background anxiety was there, lurking just below the surface. 

Everything feels like impending disaster. It's obviously not healthy to think this way but not unusual for what's going on in the world. It's justified and concerning at the same time. As long as I'm self-aware enough to recognize it I feel like I have it under control. But the simmering anxiety makes me question my gut which is something I've always felt I could rely on without question. 

There are some things that are just facts and don't require much overthinking. The pandemic is not yet under control. There is a risk of getting the virus when people are within close proximity, especially when they're not wearing a mask. It is unknown who will have complications or just be asymptomatic if infected. It is not known if a vaccine will fix this issue. Those are just black and white facts. 

Then there are the gray areas which are what's keeping me up at night. With all the precautions being taken by schools, will they be able to prevent the spread of the virus? Even with all the precautions, will there still be an outbreak and any school that opens eventually get closed again? Will going to get my own groceries instead of getting delivery put my family at risk? Will being fully quarantined for two weeks prevent us from spreading the virus to our extended family if we want to see them and hug them?  If they do open schools and there is a huge increase in cases will we go back to square one and shut everything down? There are so many unknowns. 

My job is no longer allowing us to fully work from home starting in a few weeks. I don't know the exact plan for what they expect from us (especially since offices need to be staffed at max 60% to encourage social distancing). I know working from home while doing full time childcare is not ideal, from both the employee and employers standpoint. In fact, it's really difficult to juggle and quite exhausting. But the alternative is sending him to daycare which I'm convinced will put him at an incredible risk. 

If we could afford to live off of one salary that would be my first choice and I would care for the baby while my husband worked. My second choice would be to to continue working from home during naps and walks and after bedtime. I do not want to be forced to send him to daycare so that I can keep my job. I can't imagine feeling good about that. Anticipating this I started sending out my resume several months ago. While I'm sure they're out there, I'm having a hard time finding companies that aren't on a hiring freeze and have jobs available that are fully remote. 

After thinking about it for a while - since this is what keeps me up at night - I realized what bothers me the most about the reopening plan. The problem is that on a leadership level, starting from the White House and seemingly from my employer, we are being told to trust blindly that they have things under control when it clearly isn't. It gives me no comfort to hear the president say that if we stop testing we'll stop having cases. Since leadership inspires no confidence, I feel like I need to rely on my gut. 

Is my gut broken because of overuse and decision fatigue from the last few months? I'm reluctant to ignore it now when it seems like it could literally be a life and death situation. If it comes down to it, do I quit my job so that I don't have to send him to daycare? I don't know what to do and I don't see a path how to fix this. I know I'm not alone in this - there are millions of other people worrying about health vs income. 

I'm mentally exhausted and don't know how to recharge to be able to think things through more clearly. I don't want to make a rash decision or feel backed into a corner.