Drained

I'm finding it hard to carve out time for "extras" like writing here or responding to texts within a reasonable time frame. Showering for 10 minutes feels luxurious. Our ray of sunshine, the love of our lives and the light of our world with zero survival skills and extremely speedy movement, is officially a toddler. This post got a little wordy so more on his birthday and one year well visit will have to wait for another post. 

While I no longer feel physically drained like I did in the past few months (because sleep is magical), I definitely feel mentally and emotionally drained. Feeling like fewer people are taking the pandemic seriously, even while numbers continue to rise, is draining. The political climate is draining. The state of the world -- nay, the UNIVERSE (hello asteroid) -- is draining. Will it ever feel like the sky isn't falling? 

I advocated to work from home for the duration of the holidays so that we could spend our boy's birthday with the family who is all in one quarantined pod. Each segment is high risk for a different reason so they are all extremely strict with the quarantine and have each other for socialization. Because I'm obligated to be in the office, we were excluded from the pod and had to social distance and mask up whenever we visited. It's a busy time at work but I said if they didn't let me wfh I would take 3 weeks vacation. They begrudgingly allowed it temporarily for during the holidays.

My employer insists on "showing strength" and "being present" by telling us that we have to be in the office. I strongly disagree with this and believe it puts us at unnecessary risk during a still very much active pandemic. I feel like if I can do my job from home, since it's all online anyway, then I should have the option to stay home. It makes absolutely no sense to me to force people to come in if they don't have to. Worse, I'm sitting in the office wearing an envo mask under my surgical mask... on zoom meetings. To help with social distancing, the office has to be at 50% capacity at any given time so we're each supposed to be in the office 2-3 days a week. To them that's the compromise. They don't get (care?) that any breaking of the quarantine means we're excluded from the family pod. That means no help with childcare, no playdates with cousins, no social interaction at all. There are also people who prefer to come in to the office to get away from their spouse or kids, so it's not like the office would be empty if we didn't come in. 

I usually sit in an open, high-traffic area. I asked for an office with a door for the time I'm in the building. They couldn't accommodate that so they put movable mechitza walls around my desk. They're covered in black felt and meant to absorb sound. So not only is it hard to hear me through my mask but I basically have to shout to be heard from someone standing outside my enclosure. It's easier to email.... it would be hilarious if it wasn't so ironically frustrating. 

Under normal circumstances there are many pros to my job, but I've toyed with the idea of finding a new one for years. The current situation has stripped away all those pros and what filtered out is a concentrated dose of the cons. I'm becoming more miserable by the day and feel like a wilting flower. It feels like no matter how hard I work -- and trying to work full time while taking care of an active toddler is extra draining -- it's still not enough. There is no way to get work done while he's trying to steal my phone or help me type on the laptop. Naps are dedicated to getting work done and quickly answering emails while people are responsive. After bedtime I spend at least another 2-4 hours nightly getting work done. Evenings, weekends, Sundays... there's no down time. There's no separation between work and life anymore. The expectations are sky high and there doesn't seem to be any appreciation for how thinly my sanity is being stretched to get things done in such an unusual environment. 

I had my resume reviewed by a professional HR manager. My LinkedIn profile is updated and I'm looking for connections and any jobs that may be a good fit. I don't have a niche where I fit in, which is good in normal-job hunting because it means I can fit anywhere, but it also means I don't have a specific job title to search for. I started by looking for only remote jobs but have since expanded to to include those that aren't. I can't afford to not work but I'm willing to take a pay cut and start at a lower level to get my foot in the door to a good place. 

This past Sunday it felt so good to get things done after a month of having Yom Tov on Sundays. We took down the sukkah, installed a baby gate, got some decluttering taken care of. You know how sometimes things just pile up and you start feeling like the walls are hugging you? Getting rid of things you no longer use feels so freeing. Good weather always helps too. 

I'm having a hard time keeping up with the grocery orders. Keeping fruits and vegetables in stock and using them before they go bad is a losing battle. Last night I cooked dinner for the first time since I-can't-remember-when and it was a nice change from cereal. 

So that's where I'm at. A friend went through surgery earlier this week and I heard about it second hand because I'm so out of touch. I feel guilty, and conflicted for not feeling more guilty.  Please forgive me if it takes longer to respond to your text. Please don't be mad if I haven't called in a while. Please feel free to send me job prospects.