Thursday thoughts

This morning someone in my family group chat posted a picture of her messy living room after the little kids trashed it with the caption: "This is what my living room looks like <hiding face emoji>" I was feeling a little sensitive and while I normally wouldn't respond, I felt like I was done with complaints about kids and responded with "#blessed Hope my living room looks like that one day." Passive-aggressive? Maybe. But I'm tired of people taking their kids for granted. They're kids. They're going to make a mess; they're going to interrupt your sleep; they're going to come home with snot and fever for at least four months out of the year. That's just life. Enjoy it.

Two women in my community who each suffered the loss of a child in the past two years celebrated incredible miracles this week. One had a girl, one had a boy. Their tragedies brought them close and they were able to get strength from each other. I can only imagine how difficult it is to get to the point of hope and faith to have another baby after such terrible loss. I'm happy for them. I'm sad for me that I'm still waiting but the sadness doesn't take away for my happiness for them.

I'm feeling anxious and antsy. I keep feeling like I'm missing something. Like I'm forgetting to do something and it will have immense consequences when I realize what I forgot.

I'm anxious for results. I want to know already. What takes so freaking long. They already took my money. They said week of the 17th but I was hoping that was an overshoot. The week after is a holiday and I know that if we don't get results before then it will be a ghost town until after the first of the year.

I'm anxious to try again. I'm scared about trying again. I'm scared that after all this wait and delays and treatments and biopsies it will still fail. I'm scared that after all this it will still fail and at that point we won't know why or what to address and won't know what to do to fix it. But if we don't try we don't have a shot at success. If we don't try we won't know if it worked or not.

I feel stuck and stagnant. I just want to feel like I can move on with my life. I'm seeing women who have struggled alongside me planning birthday parties for their 2 year olds. I'm seeing friends my age planning their kids bar mitzvah. I question everything else around my life wondering what life choices brought me to this point and whether I want to keep pursuing something that has been such a massive failure for so long or if I want to cut my losses and just move on without success.

What if I decide I'm done. What if I decide I just won't have kids. Will I live a life of regret? Will I always look back and think I should have tried harder for longer? Will I always feel like I missed out on an enormous piece of life? Will it be all that, but also a huge sense of relief? Will the relief outweigh the missing piece? Will putting an end to the appointments and procedures bring freedom from the anxiety that comes along with them? If I decide to quit it won't feel like quitting, it will feel like taking charge and ending a very difficult chapter.

Only it's not just my decision. And I can't read the future so I don't know what the right choice is. For the time being I'll stay on the path that feels right until it doesn't feel right anymore.