ERA: as the two previous ERA tests have told us, my lining was pre-receptive and I need an extra day. This wasn't news, but we wanted to confirm since the past two were medicated and this was in prep for a natural cycle.
EMMA: no significant signs of inflammation from bad bacteria. While this is great news, it was surprising. Obviously it's good because we've already treated it multiple times so thankfully it's finally confirmed gone. On the other hand I kind of expected there to be a big announcement about what the cause is of the persistent inflammation that wouldn't go away, then use a cycle to treat it, then biopsy again to make sure it's gone... in short - I wasn't prepared for the all clear. It had taken time to accept the long delay that having a change in schedule, even for the better, kind of shook me. I'm just not mentally prepared to brace myself for another transfer and all the baggage that it reminds me of. We spent the past year doing one thing after another getting ready for this point but it feels like it suddenly snuck up on me. The past six FETs failed; four of them in miscarriages. I always knew getting myself psyched up for another try was coming but and I hadn't expected it to be time to start.
For a hot second, we had a conversation about possibly delaying a transfer. Talking through it I realized it's not what I want, but it crossed my mind when I panicked at the results. I also realized I didn't want to tell anyone the results because I was scared of the predictable next question: "so when are you transferring?"
My instinct is to respond with "well that's really none of your goshdarn business" but is that fair to someone who has been by my side every step of the way? When I call crying or I text with bad news to help spread the burden so that it doesn't crush me? I know I don't owe anyone anything, but shouldn't the support system that has been around all this time get to know the good news too? I don't want to tell people when we're transferring, but I know I'll be calling if there's another failure, so maybe it doesn't hurt to give them a heads up about good news for once.
For the time being I deflect by vaguely talking about the persistent endometritis and how there's just constant delays, and how everything takes forever because it relies on my natural cycle. Not lies; just not the full truth. As it stands now, my doctor wants me to use a probiotic. While the bad bacteria didn't register in any significant quantities, apparently the good bacteria was low also, so doc suggested a vaginal suppository. It doesn't delay anything because we still need to wait for my period. We missed this cycle because of waiting for results so even without any additional delays, I estimated a transfer in Feb. That's fine - that will give me time to get my head in the game.
Here's what else that has been keeping me busy:
Work
End of year is always a busy time at work and this year was no exception. Since my office officially closes for the last week of the year, I wanted to get as much done as possible before the last day. Things kept popping up with last minute emergencies which made the week really hectic but thankfully it all got done.
Saying yes
A few years back I read a few books about people saying yes to things (Amy Poehler, Shonda Rimes). At the time it was interesting reading but I didn't really make any changes based on them. More recently I noticed I was feeling like I was saying no to too much, to the point of not having much to do. I didn't immediately do a 180 and start saying yes to everything, but I made more of an effort to rationalize my no's to myself. Why am I saying no? Could this actually be a yes? Is this an opportunity I'm missing because I'm so used to automatically saying no? So I've taken on a bit more and already it feels like a huge shift, especially to an introvert, homebody such as myself. Even though I'm happy with the shift, I'm continuously monitoring to make sure I don't overextend and burn out.
Pottery
There are a lot of things that make me happy about this. It's not an inexpensive class, but I feel like I'm getting my money's worth. I've also taken to watching youtube videos of other potters making things to get ideas and watch techniques. There's more to it than just the evening of class because the clay dries out so there's also in between class visits to trim and glaze. It takes up time but I don't mind. I debated whether to take the same class again or try a different clay class. I want to get better at throwing pots but I also really enjoy new things. Turns out that as a paying student taking any class I can use the studio while there aren't classes in session and practice on my own. So for the winter session I signed up for a sculpting class and I'm excited about it. I do plan to continue practicing the techniques I learned this past semester and maybe take an intermediate class at some point once I'm more comfortable with the basics. I love the options. It was also really exciting to bring home my first items fresh from the kiln. Even between the very first bowl to the most recent mug there's already a huge difference. I can see that I'm getting better and it's really exciting.
The other part of this is that it is tiring. There are a lot of steps to get set up at the wheel - get water, get your clay (most times hauling out chunks of 20+ lbs), set up tools, adjust the wheel. Then sitting in the squat position leaning in really takes a toll on your body if you're not used to it. I remember after the first few classes I felt sore the next day, almost as though I've had a full workout. After throwing pots, you need to find a place to store them. Then cleaning up is a whole ordeal. By the time I put away my clay I'm exhausted. It's a great feeling.
Beside all that, I enjoy the non-screen time of the activity. If you want to talk to someone, you just turn to them and talk face-to-face. Your hands are dirty so you can't pick up your phone anyway. I leave it locked up for the duration of my time in the studio and it's a relaxing, freeing feeling. This is coming from someone who greatly enjoys screen-free weekends every shabbat so it's not at all a new concept, but there's something about it being allowed and purposely choosing to do something else.
Working out
I'm working on getting to the gym for 30 min three times a week. I've chosen a great gym with a six minute commute door to door and it's still a time suck. Why? It takes to psych myself up to get there and make sure I have clean workout clothes and schedule so that I have enough time to shower and dress after and eat something before working out, but time it correctly with the morning meds which need to be taken on an empty stomach and then no food for 30-60 min.
Once I'm at the gym, I'm good to go and have fun working out. Once I've gotten everything aligned, and it is getting easier the more often I do it, then it's a breeze. I like sweating. I like feeling stronger. I can already tell I'm not as out of breath as quickly. I even noticed a slight dip in my blood pressure, which is thankfully normal, but no longer starts to rise if I'm late with meds. I enjoy checking it off my list once I'm done working out for the day. But it's still an effort and the transition of getting used to it takes time. I know it's lame to make a big deal of 90 min of exercise a week, but whatever it's my #firstworldproblem.
That's the latest for me. Hope you're enjoying today, whether you're home or travelling, whether you're celebrating the holiday or just vegging out.
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