Birthday firsts

Our little guy turned one earlier this month. Something I heard in the early days after his birth was, "The hours are long but the days are short," which I felt to be very true as we neared his first birthday. In the depth of sleep deprivation it felt like an era that would stretch on forever and I couldn't see past it. Then in the blink of an eye he's a toddler.

The daily tasks of keeping a baby happy are exhausting but I enjoy every minute of it: feeding him, changing him, bathing him, playing with him. Doing all this while working full time from home is its own special ordeal, but absolutely worth it. Fitting meetings around nap times and remembering to keep fresh fruits and vegetables in stock and trying to present balanced meals that he will eat and remembering to stay hydrated myself so he'll have something to nurse. It's a non-stop juggling act, like every motherhood story, made more intense by the lack of any assistance in childcare outside the two of us because of the pandemic. Maybe there have been some outbursts over the past few months, but show me one couple who hasn't had the occasional meltdown during past 8 months. 

When he wants a hug, he just crawls over for a quick cuddle. We get to see him interacting with his toys and be delighted when he sees a squirrel or dog outside. We get to be there to teach him and feed him and enjoy him, instead of sending him to a daycare that would get to do all those things for 8-9 hours a day if things were still how they were pre-pandemic. If there's a silver lining from all the madness and tragedy of the past year I would consider this in the top 3.

We are still strict about social distance. All our groceries are delivered and we don't go anywhere unless necessary - so far that's been limited to doctor's appointments. For his birthday I wanted the opportunity for him to see our family who are all under strict quarantine for various reasons. I advocated to work from home over the Jewish holidays which was a time span of three weeks. That would give me the necessary 14 days of quarantine and then we'd get a week to hang out with family without masks or social distancing. 

On his Hebrew birthday we both took the day off. The morning of his birthday we took a picnic to a local farm with one other family. The weather was beautiful and we kept our distance from the other family and any other people at the farm. After the picnic we got home in time for his afternoon nap. While he was napping I put the finishing touches on his birthday cake. We had a photographer come to our backyard, masked and with a long lens camera so he kept his distance. The plan was to take a few family photos of us and then do a cake smash. Since we were outside the baby kept getting distracted by leaves, which means that he barely touched the cake but we still got some great shots. After the photoshoot we cleaned up and I cut off the part of the cake that was smooshed. There was about 3/4 of the cake left completely untouched and intact so I cut it up into slices and wrapped each one individually. We then invited family members to visit us in the yard to give him a birthday kiss and pick up a slice of cake. 

Even though we did everything right (strict quarantine 2 weeks, etc) and they were now in our pod, we didn't want to have a big gathering for multiple reasons. For starters, it looks bad. I don't care about being judged but I do think there's something to be said about normalizing masks and social distancing. I don't want a neighbor or passerby thinking that it's now ok to have gatherings because "everyone else is doing it." Second, I didn't want it to be too overwhelming for the baby. After seeing just us for months at a time I thought it would be too much to have so many people showering him with attention all at once. The one-at-a-time method worked really well because that meant that the guest visiting had the baby all to themselves and we weren't passing him around and around. Baby got birthday attention, the visitor had our undivided attention, and everyone was happy with a slice of cake to-go. It was a beautiful day and I'm glad we got to spend it together. 

A few days later we had the one year well visit at the doctor's office. He's 55th percentile for height and about half that for weight. Doctor was pleased overall saying he's on his own growth curve. I still try to sneak in avocado and other fats whenever I can to plump him up, but my string bean baby is constantly on the move burning up those calories as they come in. Then came the shots. There were lots of tears. I think what made it worse this time was that they took bloodwork first. For the first time he had to have his arm held down while they looked for a vein and he really did not like that AT ALL. By the time they got to the four (4!!!) sticks in his thighs he was already beside himself. He's generally a very happy, mellow guy but this was not at all to his liking and he made sure to let us know. He was fine by the time we got to the car. I'm sorry baby... I don't like seeing you sad but I prefer slight temporary discomfort over preventable childhood diseases. 

Some cousins dropped off birthday presents. It was very sweet and kind of surprised me - I honestly wasn't expecting presents. I had actually gotten several new toys for him during prime day so he had a bunch of new and exciting things to play with. One cousin drew a birthday card which now lives on our fridge. When his legal birthday came up it was a more mellow celebration with just the three of us, since by then we were out of the pod again, but special just the same. We reminisced about where we were this time last year and I sent a text to my doula thanking her and sharing a picture of the baby. Thinking about it now, I probably should also send a picture to our RE. We will eventually be revisiting that conversation but we both agreed we're not there yet. Among other things, I want to see what's the deal with this pandemic and whether putting myself in a situation that requires multiple doctor's appointments and juggling all that without childcare is even possible. 

So for now, we're just enjoying our toddler. Happy birthday, baby boy!

Drained

I'm finding it hard to carve out time for "extras" like writing here or responding to texts within a reasonable time frame. Showering for 10 minutes feels luxurious. Our ray of sunshine, the love of our lives and the light of our world with zero survival skills and extremely speedy movement, is officially a toddler. This post got a little wordy so more on his birthday and one year well visit will have to wait for another post. 

While I no longer feel physically drained like I did in the past few months (because sleep is magical), I definitely feel mentally and emotionally drained. Feeling like fewer people are taking the pandemic seriously, even while numbers continue to rise, is draining. The political climate is draining. The state of the world -- nay, the UNIVERSE (hello asteroid) -- is draining. Will it ever feel like the sky isn't falling? 

I advocated to work from home for the duration of the holidays so that we could spend our boy's birthday with the family who is all in one quarantined pod. Each segment is high risk for a different reason so they are all extremely strict with the quarantine and have each other for socialization. Because I'm obligated to be in the office, we were excluded from the pod and had to social distance and mask up whenever we visited. It's a busy time at work but I said if they didn't let me wfh I would take 3 weeks vacation. They begrudgingly allowed it temporarily for during the holidays.

My employer insists on "showing strength" and "being present" by telling us that we have to be in the office. I strongly disagree with this and believe it puts us at unnecessary risk during a still very much active pandemic. I feel like if I can do my job from home, since it's all online anyway, then I should have the option to stay home. It makes absolutely no sense to me to force people to come in if they don't have to. Worse, I'm sitting in the office wearing an envo mask under my surgical mask... on zoom meetings. To help with social distancing, the office has to be at 50% capacity at any given time so we're each supposed to be in the office 2-3 days a week. To them that's the compromise. They don't get (care?) that any breaking of the quarantine means we're excluded from the family pod. That means no help with childcare, no playdates with cousins, no social interaction at all. There are also people who prefer to come in to the office to get away from their spouse or kids, so it's not like the office would be empty if we didn't come in. 

I usually sit in an open, high-traffic area. I asked for an office with a door for the time I'm in the building. They couldn't accommodate that so they put movable mechitza walls around my desk. They're covered in black felt and meant to absorb sound. So not only is it hard to hear me through my mask but I basically have to shout to be heard from someone standing outside my enclosure. It's easier to email.... it would be hilarious if it wasn't so ironically frustrating. 

Under normal circumstances there are many pros to my job, but I've toyed with the idea of finding a new one for years. The current situation has stripped away all those pros and what filtered out is a concentrated dose of the cons. I'm becoming more miserable by the day and feel like a wilting flower. It feels like no matter how hard I work -- and trying to work full time while taking care of an active toddler is extra draining -- it's still not enough. There is no way to get work done while he's trying to steal my phone or help me type on the laptop. Naps are dedicated to getting work done and quickly answering emails while people are responsive. After bedtime I spend at least another 2-4 hours nightly getting work done. Evenings, weekends, Sundays... there's no down time. There's no separation between work and life anymore. The expectations are sky high and there doesn't seem to be any appreciation for how thinly my sanity is being stretched to get things done in such an unusual environment. 

I had my resume reviewed by a professional HR manager. My LinkedIn profile is updated and I'm looking for connections and any jobs that may be a good fit. I don't have a niche where I fit in, which is good in normal-job hunting because it means I can fit anywhere, but it also means I don't have a specific job title to search for. I started by looking for only remote jobs but have since expanded to to include those that aren't. I can't afford to not work but I'm willing to take a pay cut and start at a lower level to get my foot in the door to a good place. 

This past Sunday it felt so good to get things done after a month of having Yom Tov on Sundays. We took down the sukkah, installed a baby gate, got some decluttering taken care of. You know how sometimes things just pile up and you start feeling like the walls are hugging you? Getting rid of things you no longer use feels so freeing. Good weather always helps too. 

I'm having a hard time keeping up with the grocery orders. Keeping fruits and vegetables in stock and using them before they go bad is a losing battle. Last night I cooked dinner for the first time since I-can't-remember-when and it was a nice change from cereal. 

So that's where I'm at. A friend went through surgery earlier this week and I heard about it second hand because I'm so out of touch. I feel guilty, and conflicted for not feeling more guilty.  Please forgive me if it takes longer to respond to your text. Please don't be mad if I haven't called in a while. Please feel free to send me job prospects. 

Rosh Hashanah 5781

This year's Rosh Hashanah was a little different. We didn't go to shul and we didn't host guests or go out. Because of the pandemic things were very different than previous years. My husband spent the summer practicing how to blow the Shofar. The neighbors lined up on the sidewalk and he blew the Shofar outside. 

I tried hard to make the holiday feel festive even without the usual things we used to take for granted. I got the baby a tiny suit that came with a hat and soft shoes. It was all I could do to not smoosh him with kisses long enough to take a picture. I tried several new recipes and we had delicious meals. We limited our usual amount of challah with honey and instead invested in some new exotic (to us) fruit like a prickly pear, some weird melons, papaya, and quince. The weather was absolutely beautiful and we spent a lot of time in our backyard along with the neighbors in their yards, essentially experiencing parallel holidays instead of our usual potluck. It was nice to socialize outdoors and pretend things were normal. 

The start of the holiday season means that our little guy's birthday is coming up. This time last year I was 9 months pregnant waiting for his arrival any day. There are a lot of emotions that come up when thinking about the last year. I started making him a photo album and going through the pictures was incredibly emotional. I negotiated spending the next few weeks working from home so that we can be fully quarantined in order to celebrate his birthday with other family members who are in an enclosed bubble because everyone is high risk for various reasons. 

I haven't decided what to do about breastfeeding past a year but I'm leaning toward weening so I can take a more active approach to losing weight. I'm+8 lbs from pre-transfer weight, which is about where I was at 6 weeks postpartum.  During the height of the pandemic I maxed out at +19 from my pp weight. It was partially because of no sleep (trying to eat myself awake), anxiety, and turning every mushy fruit into a muffin. We've since gotten that somewhat under control. 

We always said that we'd give him a year before thinking about next ttc steps, so now that it's nearly here we've started the discussion about a potential #2. We have to be mentally ready for the roller coaster and I'm not sure I'm there yet. We also have to be ready to do this in a pandemic... with a toddler... and no help. I'm not sure I'm ready for that either. On the other hand, is delaying anything going to help? I'm glad we started the conversation but I'm also glad we agreed to table it for a bit. 

Wishing everyone a happy, healthy, successful, and sweet new year.

Bananas

The past few weeks have been rough. I found myself really struggling mentally and emotionally. With the seasons changing, summer turning to fall and leaves starting to hit the ground, vacation turning to school mode, there are a lot of changes. One thing that has not changed is that there is still a global pandemic with an infectious virus still very much a threat. I feel stuck in a rut and no matter how much I want to "go back to normal" or move forward we just can't. It feels like we're being asked to swim with both hands and feet tied to an anchor. 

It's gotten to a point where I feel mentally drained. The task of keeping my house somewhat organized and clean has gotten overwhelming. I never had regular cleaning help but I used to have a crew coming every few months to do a scrub and reset everything. They haven't been here since winter. The task of keeping the fridge and pantry stocked even while not going to stores is a constant. Trying to keep track of what we have and what we need to use before it goes bad. I've made more muffins this summer than ever before, in all flavors and varieties, in attempts to use up fruit before it turns. The other day there were bananas on the counter right in my line of sight every time I entered the kitchen. They looked more sad and mushy every time I passed by but I just couldn't muster up the energy to do something - anything - with them. I couldn't even deal with peeling/chopping/bagging for the freezer to join their friends from previous months. I just wanted to give myself permission to ignore one thing without feeling guilt. I couldn't do it - they ended up in some baby mash over the next few days. 

This week is the first week of daycare. We told the director we're not sending right now and they're being lovely about it, probably since we didn't request our deposit back. I'm really hoping to send him once it feels safe. In the meantime since we're technically enrolled we're included in all the communications and it's frustrating to see what could be if we had a few hours of childcare per day. I don't even need full time, just a few hours. I think he would really enjoy it too. 

My friend lost her father in April. Her neighbors held a memorial dinner last week. She told me about it but said she understood if I don't come because of my discomfort around people these days. I suggested a zoom link so I could be included which she loved because that way family members out of town were able to join as well. I could see the dinner guests sitting about 4 feet apart on a deck (connected to someone's home, so you couldn't avoid going into the house) without masks. I considered going but I know I would have been the weirdo in a hazmat suit sitting 15 feet away, changing the vibe of the evening. I wanted to be there to support my friend but it wasn't about me. It was still frustrating to feel like this is one more thing the pandemic took control over. 

Several family members have formed a pod. They basically don't see anyone or go anywhere other than each other. Since I need to show up at the office once a week, we're excluded from the pod. We were trying to figure out a way to celebrate a family member's upcoming birthday in a socially distant way where everyone could be included. The idea was to have an outdoor movie projecting on a wall and everyone bring their own snacks. It was a good idea in theory, but besides for the bugs and humidity, it doesn't get dark until 8:30 which was too late for a lot of people. The idea was put on a back burner and I was told the party would be postponed. The next morning I see pictures of a get-together on our family whatsapp group. Turned out that the birthday celebrant was invited over for cake. Other members of the pod dropped in. A present materialized out of nowhere. Music started up and it was suddenly a party. It happened organically, which is fine, I don't fault them for getting together. But no one thought to open up a zoom room for us. It's gotten to the point that not only are they physically distant but we're starting to get completely forgotten. I wasn't angry, just sad about one more thing to miss out on. I asked for an explanation and got sincere apologies from everyone involved. I could make it into a federal case but that's not what I want. I let it go and moved on for the sake of peace. 

I had an interview last week. It was more of a screening. A friend recommended me to a company who has remote openings but the budget isn't approved yet so they're not actively offering anything. I'm very eager to get a new job. Not only was my salary reduced but hours have increased. At all hours of the day and evening we can be on -call. Sometimes we have meetings at 8:30 pm because that when everyone is available. There's no separation from work and home life. I know that finding a remote job during a pandemic is like looking for a unicorn but I can't let that stop me from trying. Things can get slightly better if I work remotely but my employer wants to hear none of it. I can get some help with childcare and stop the madness of trying to work full time while simultaneously entertaining a near-toddler whose current life mission is to discover gravity by experimenting with his head. When he's up he needs careful supervision, and when he naps or after bedtime is when I cram in work, try to throw in a load of laundry, prep food, respond to texts. We tag team as much as we can but it's still just the two of us each with our own full time job. 

I don't regret our decision to keep him home for the time being. It's the only way I feel I can protect him. But I'm feeling the weight of this challenge. This pandemic. The politics. The insecurity over what's to come. Part of me wants to believe that if we just hold on a little longer things may take a turn. What am I hoping will change? I don't know specifically. I just have to believe that there is hope and that this won't last forever. 

Best Interest

At the start of the pandemic shutdown it felt like time was standing still while we held our collective breath to see what happens. For a while I had trouble keeping track of the days and weeks - if it weren't for Shabbat to ground me then every day would have been the same. Every day was similar: going nowhere, doing nothing, and glued to the news to figure out what in the world is happening. The days passed and eventually we got used to the new schedule. Days turned to weeks which turned to months and suddenly we're in August with a fast approaching deadline about what to do with the fall. 

There are people who have gotten used to the new world. They're out and about in a way that works for their family. Then there are those of us who are still as worried today as we were in the tail-end of March. I'm not sure if it's PPD rearing it's head again, or it's the result of being home too much, or maybe a combo with a bit of both, but I've noticed my heightened anxiety about other things too.  A few weeks ago we decided to drive to a lake to have a picnic. The drive was about 25 min to get there. When we had gone about a mile away from home I started to feel uneasy. The what-ifs started rolling: what if we get a flat tire? What if someone rear-ends us? What if the car suddenly overheats? These were both rational and irrational fears. In regular times, if any of those things happen, you just call for help. AAA does their thing and you get a ruined afternoon and a story out of it. But these aren't regular times. The simple inconvenience of a misbehaving car could turn deadly if the AAA tech is a positive case exposing us to the virus we've been hiding from until now.

As it turned out, we ended up getting to the lake and seeing that it was crowded, with few people wearing masks. So we drove around a bit to see the lake and then turned around and headed home. No incidents in the hour round trip, thankfully. I wasn't so anxious that I couldn't function. I was driving while my husband kept the baby entertained in the back. We were listening to music and chatting. Overall it was a pleasant outing, minus the last ten minutes when the baby had had enough. He's not used to being strapped in that long considering how infrequently we venture out with the car these days. But the background anxiety was there, lurking just below the surface. 

Everything feels like impending disaster. It's obviously not healthy to think this way but not unusual for what's going on in the world. It's justified and concerning at the same time. As long as I'm self-aware enough to recognize it I feel like I have it under control. But the simmering anxiety makes me question my gut which is something I've always felt I could rely on without question. 

There are some things that are just facts and don't require much overthinking. The pandemic is not yet under control. There is a risk of getting the virus when people are within close proximity, especially when they're not wearing a mask. It is unknown who will have complications or just be asymptomatic if infected. It is not known if a vaccine will fix this issue. Those are just black and white facts. 

Then there are the gray areas which are what's keeping me up at night. With all the precautions being taken by schools, will they be able to prevent the spread of the virus? Even with all the precautions, will there still be an outbreak and any school that opens eventually get closed again? Will going to get my own groceries instead of getting delivery put my family at risk? Will being fully quarantined for two weeks prevent us from spreading the virus to our extended family if we want to see them and hug them?  If they do open schools and there is a huge increase in cases will we go back to square one and shut everything down? There are so many unknowns. 

My job is no longer allowing us to fully work from home starting in a few weeks. I don't know the exact plan for what they expect from us (especially since offices need to be staffed at max 60% to encourage social distancing). I know working from home while doing full time childcare is not ideal, from both the employee and employers standpoint. In fact, it's really difficult to juggle and quite exhausting. But the alternative is sending him to daycare which I'm convinced will put him at an incredible risk. 

If we could afford to live off of one salary that would be my first choice and I would care for the baby while my husband worked. My second choice would be to to continue working from home during naps and walks and after bedtime. I do not want to be forced to send him to daycare so that I can keep my job. I can't imagine feeling good about that. Anticipating this I started sending out my resume several months ago. While I'm sure they're out there, I'm having a hard time finding companies that aren't on a hiring freeze and have jobs available that are fully remote. 

After thinking about it for a while - since this is what keeps me up at night - I realized what bothers me the most about the reopening plan. The problem is that on a leadership level, starting from the White House and seemingly from my employer, we are being told to trust blindly that they have things under control when it clearly isn't. It gives me no comfort to hear the president say that if we stop testing we'll stop having cases. Since leadership inspires no confidence, I feel like I need to rely on my gut. 

Is my gut broken because of overuse and decision fatigue from the last few months? I'm reluctant to ignore it now when it seems like it could literally be a life and death situation. If it comes down to it, do I quit my job so that I don't have to send him to daycare? I don't know what to do and I don't see a path how to fix this. I know I'm not alone in this - there are millions of other people worrying about health vs income. 

I'm mentally exhausted and don't know how to recharge to be able to think things through more clearly. I don't want to make a rash decision or feel backed into a corner. 

Choices

This morning I saw my neighbor's cleaning lady park in front of my house and had a small wave of jealousy. I can just as easily call my cleaning crew and schedule a cleaning. They would be thrilled to come back. I see people on social media posting things like "finally alone!" after sending their kids to camp. Or taking their first "back to work" selfie.

I could do all these things if I chose to. It's not that I don't want to, it's that it feels unsafe to make those choices. Would it be nice to get some space and quiet? Sure. Would it be nice to have someone else take care of the cleaning, or get takeout instead of cooking, or a million other things we took for granted in the past? Sure. But not at the expense of any of anyone's health. It doesn't feel safe to go out. The virus is out of control in the United States and I just don't think it's worth the risk.

I don't wish anything bad to happen to people who make these choices. But I wonder how it's possible for some people to go regular grocery shopping, send their kids to camp, have their cleaning help, go to work -- in short, live "normally" -- and not contract anything. Or maybe they are just asymptomatic and are lucky not to be suffering from it. I wonder if it's selfish of them to do those normal things at the expense of spreading the virus and extending this nightmare for everyone.

Regardless of why or how, it must be nice to not live in a head-space of constant worry. Maybe that's what I'm jealous of.

Unsettled

I've been having a lot of anxiety about the "Covid and the Classroom" news. I know schools need to open. I know it's best for the kids to be among peers and learn in person. I know my own baby would enjoy having that social aspect added to his daily routine. But it seems like everyone in leadership is ignoring the fact that nothing is different regarding the virus. Cases are still spiking, hospitals are at capacity, and people are still getting very sick and dying. The only difference is that people are sick of being home and the economy is in the dumps. There is nothing different about the dangers of the virus and how contagious it is. I don't want to send him back to daycare until I feel it's safe and it doesn't feel safe. Daycare has not yet opened so until now it wasn't even a choice.

Our quarantine habits haven't changed. We don't go out to anything non-essential. Groceries are still being delivered. I haven't had normal ice cream in months because they haven't figured out how to keep it from melting yet. Whatever... I certainly found a way to stress eat and gain weight without it. I broke quarantine a few times for doctor's appointments fully masked and then felt uneasy for 2 weeks after each one waiting for that window of time to pass. We agreed to see some family at 10 ft apart. We go out on walks around the neighborhood. We cross the street if anyone comes near us and head home if the streets feel too crowded. Not everyone wears masks or is as concerned with keeping their distance.

I recognize that the world can't stay shut down forever - it was only supposed to be for a few weeks to "flatten the curve" and slow the spread. I don't want it to stay shut down, but we haven't fixed the problem yet! I know the longer we're in quarantine the harder it's going to be mentally to get back. Even so - going back when things feel this unsafe just to start going out is not the answer. When I'm up at 4 in the morning because I'm worrying and can't sleep I go online and look for remote jobs I can do from home so that I don't have to send him to daycare when it does reopen.

I hate that I'm being forced to go back to work, even at limited hours, just to "get used to being in the office again."  I can do my job at home, and have since March, but starting next week they're asking us to come back for optics. If schools are open in the fall we're expected to show up in person full time. I hate that I feel like I need to choose between my safety and my paycheck. No exceptions. If we refuse to come back, we can self furlough. With limited work as it is, that will likely be followed by unemployment. I wish we had another financial option so I could tell them to go to hell. I hate that I feel like going outside puts me and my family at risk. I hate the uneasy feeling I get every time I watch the news because they're in such denial of what's happening.

The White House corona task force is such a joke. I watched them the other day congratulating themselves on what a great job they're doing, while at the same time ignoring the additional tens of thousands of new cases that were reported that day. The numbers are out of control: as of this writing there are 135,000+ deaths and over 3.17 million confirmed positive cases in the USA. They're only testing 700,000 per day and all the experts are saying they need at least 1-2 million per day. The task force says "schools must open" but don't care at what cost to human life. They don't want to fund any of the guidelines suggested from CDC, instead threatening to slash school funding for anyone who doesn't open. They ignore the fact that people are waiting for 8 hours in 100 degree weather in Arizona just to get a test.

Quarantine fatigue is real. People around us have stopped keeping their social distance. They have backyard BBQs where the adults are sitting 6 ft apart but there's a table of shared food and the kids are all playing together. The more people say they're done the less I want to go outside and interact with anyone. That's not great for my mental health but I'm worried about our physical health too. It's impossible to be in a constant state of hysteria but it seems like there are daily new things to trigger it that I'm getting worn down and that itself feels scary. Like if I let my guard down for too long everything might cave in. Simple things we used to take for granted, like readily knowing what day it is and what month we're in, have taken a back seat.

As he gets more active and nearly mobile, he needs more attention. It's getting harder to try to work while he's awake which is fine - I cram the work in during early or late hours, nap times, and whenever my husband can take a break from his job. I'd rather juggle the impossible than worry about risking his health by sending him to school. Besides, I'm really enjoying being home with him. If I had the option to be a stay at home mom I would take it without hesitation. 

It may not be feasible to stay home forever but I feel that we have to stay strong, mentally and emotionally, for ourselves and for each other, until there is a real solution. When will this end? I don't know how and I don't know when and that's the most unsettling part.