Rosh Hashanah 5781

This year's Rosh Hashanah was a little different. We didn't go to shul and we didn't host guests or go out. Because of the pandemic things were very different than previous years. My husband spent the summer practicing how to blow the Shofar. The neighbors lined up on the sidewalk and he blew the Shofar outside. 

I tried hard to make the holiday feel festive even without the usual things we used to take for granted. I got the baby a tiny suit that came with a hat and soft shoes. It was all I could do to not smoosh him with kisses long enough to take a picture. I tried several new recipes and we had delicious meals. We limited our usual amount of challah with honey and instead invested in some new exotic (to us) fruit like a prickly pear, some weird melons, papaya, and quince. The weather was absolutely beautiful and we spent a lot of time in our backyard along with the neighbors in their yards, essentially experiencing parallel holidays instead of our usual potluck. It was nice to socialize outdoors and pretend things were normal. 

The start of the holiday season means that our little guy's birthday is coming up. This time last year I was 9 months pregnant waiting for his arrival any day. There are a lot of emotions that come up when thinking about the last year. I started making him a photo album and going through the pictures was incredibly emotional. I negotiated spending the next few weeks working from home so that we can be fully quarantined in order to celebrate his birthday with other family members who are in an enclosed bubble because everyone is high risk for various reasons. 

I haven't decided what to do about breastfeeding past a year but I'm leaning toward weening so I can take a more active approach to losing weight. I'm+8 lbs from pre-transfer weight, which is about where I was at 6 weeks postpartum.  During the height of the pandemic I maxed out at +19 from my pp weight. It was partially because of no sleep (trying to eat myself awake), anxiety, and turning every mushy fruit into a muffin. We've since gotten that somewhat under control. 

We always said that we'd give him a year before thinking about next ttc steps, so now that it's nearly here we've started the discussion about a potential #2. We have to be mentally ready for the roller coaster and I'm not sure I'm there yet. We also have to be ready to do this in a pandemic... with a toddler... and no help. I'm not sure I'm ready for that either. On the other hand, is delaying anything going to help? I'm glad we started the conversation but I'm also glad we agreed to table it for a bit. 

Wishing everyone a happy, healthy, successful, and sweet new year.

Bananas

The past few weeks have been rough. I found myself really struggling mentally and emotionally. With the seasons changing, summer turning to fall and leaves starting to hit the ground, vacation turning to school mode, there are a lot of changes. One thing that has not changed is that there is still a global pandemic with an infectious virus still very much a threat. I feel stuck in a rut and no matter how much I want to "go back to normal" or move forward we just can't. It feels like we're being asked to swim with both hands and feet tied to an anchor. 

It's gotten to a point where I feel mentally drained. The task of keeping my house somewhat organized and clean has gotten overwhelming. I never had regular cleaning help but I used to have a crew coming every few months to do a scrub and reset everything. They haven't been here since winter. The task of keeping the fridge and pantry stocked even while not going to stores is a constant. Trying to keep track of what we have and what we need to use before it goes bad. I've made more muffins this summer than ever before, in all flavors and varieties, in attempts to use up fruit before it turns. The other day there were bananas on the counter right in my line of sight every time I entered the kitchen. They looked more sad and mushy every time I passed by but I just couldn't muster up the energy to do something - anything - with them. I couldn't even deal with peeling/chopping/bagging for the freezer to join their friends from previous months. I just wanted to give myself permission to ignore one thing without feeling guilt. I couldn't do it - they ended up in some baby mash over the next few days. 

This week is the first week of daycare. We told the director we're not sending right now and they're being lovely about it, probably since we didn't request our deposit back. I'm really hoping to send him once it feels safe. In the meantime since we're technically enrolled we're included in all the communications and it's frustrating to see what could be if we had a few hours of childcare per day. I don't even need full time, just a few hours. I think he would really enjoy it too. 

My friend lost her father in April. Her neighbors held a memorial dinner last week. She told me about it but said she understood if I don't come because of my discomfort around people these days. I suggested a zoom link so I could be included which she loved because that way family members out of town were able to join as well. I could see the dinner guests sitting about 4 feet apart on a deck (connected to someone's home, so you couldn't avoid going into the house) without masks. I considered going but I know I would have been the weirdo in a hazmat suit sitting 15 feet away, changing the vibe of the evening. I wanted to be there to support my friend but it wasn't about me. It was still frustrating to feel like this is one more thing the pandemic took control over. 

Several family members have formed a pod. They basically don't see anyone or go anywhere other than each other. Since I need to show up at the office once a week, we're excluded from the pod. We were trying to figure out a way to celebrate a family member's upcoming birthday in a socially distant way where everyone could be included. The idea was to have an outdoor movie projecting on a wall and everyone bring their own snacks. It was a good idea in theory, but besides for the bugs and humidity, it doesn't get dark until 8:30 which was too late for a lot of people. The idea was put on a back burner and I was told the party would be postponed. The next morning I see pictures of a get-together on our family whatsapp group. Turned out that the birthday celebrant was invited over for cake. Other members of the pod dropped in. A present materialized out of nowhere. Music started up and it was suddenly a party. It happened organically, which is fine, I don't fault them for getting together. But no one thought to open up a zoom room for us. It's gotten to the point that not only are they physically distant but we're starting to get completely forgotten. I wasn't angry, just sad about one more thing to miss out on. I asked for an explanation and got sincere apologies from everyone involved. I could make it into a federal case but that's not what I want. I let it go and moved on for the sake of peace. 

I had an interview last week. It was more of a screening. A friend recommended me to a company who has remote openings but the budget isn't approved yet so they're not actively offering anything. I'm very eager to get a new job. Not only was my salary reduced but hours have increased. At all hours of the day and evening we can be on -call. Sometimes we have meetings at 8:30 pm because that when everyone is available. There's no separation from work and home life. I know that finding a remote job during a pandemic is like looking for a unicorn but I can't let that stop me from trying. Things can get slightly better if I work remotely but my employer wants to hear none of it. I can get some help with childcare and stop the madness of trying to work full time while simultaneously entertaining a near-toddler whose current life mission is to discover gravity by experimenting with his head. When he's up he needs careful supervision, and when he naps or after bedtime is when I cram in work, try to throw in a load of laundry, prep food, respond to texts. We tag team as much as we can but it's still just the two of us each with our own full time job. 

I don't regret our decision to keep him home for the time being. It's the only way I feel I can protect him. But I'm feeling the weight of this challenge. This pandemic. The politics. The insecurity over what's to come. Part of me wants to believe that if we just hold on a little longer things may take a turn. What am I hoping will change? I don't know specifically. I just have to believe that there is hope and that this won't last forever. 

Best Interest

At the start of the pandemic shutdown it felt like time was standing still while we held our collective breath to see what happens. For a while I had trouble keeping track of the days and weeks - if it weren't for Shabbat to ground me then every day would have been the same. Every day was similar: going nowhere, doing nothing, and glued to the news to figure out what in the world is happening. The days passed and eventually we got used to the new schedule. Days turned to weeks which turned to months and suddenly we're in August with a fast approaching deadline about what to do with the fall. 

There are people who have gotten used to the new world. They're out and about in a way that works for their family. Then there are those of us who are still as worried today as we were in the tail-end of March. I'm not sure if it's PPD rearing it's head again, or it's the result of being home too much, or maybe a combo with a bit of both, but I've noticed my heightened anxiety about other things too.  A few weeks ago we decided to drive to a lake to have a picnic. The drive was about 25 min to get there. When we had gone about a mile away from home I started to feel uneasy. The what-ifs started rolling: what if we get a flat tire? What if someone rear-ends us? What if the car suddenly overheats? These were both rational and irrational fears. In regular times, if any of those things happen, you just call for help. AAA does their thing and you get a ruined afternoon and a story out of it. But these aren't regular times. The simple inconvenience of a misbehaving car could turn deadly if the AAA tech is a positive case exposing us to the virus we've been hiding from until now.

As it turned out, we ended up getting to the lake and seeing that it was crowded, with few people wearing masks. So we drove around a bit to see the lake and then turned around and headed home. No incidents in the hour round trip, thankfully. I wasn't so anxious that I couldn't function. I was driving while my husband kept the baby entertained in the back. We were listening to music and chatting. Overall it was a pleasant outing, minus the last ten minutes when the baby had had enough. He's not used to being strapped in that long considering how infrequently we venture out with the car these days. But the background anxiety was there, lurking just below the surface. 

Everything feels like impending disaster. It's obviously not healthy to think this way but not unusual for what's going on in the world. It's justified and concerning at the same time. As long as I'm self-aware enough to recognize it I feel like I have it under control. But the simmering anxiety makes me question my gut which is something I've always felt I could rely on without question. 

There are some things that are just facts and don't require much overthinking. The pandemic is not yet under control. There is a risk of getting the virus when people are within close proximity, especially when they're not wearing a mask. It is unknown who will have complications or just be asymptomatic if infected. It is not known if a vaccine will fix this issue. Those are just black and white facts. 

Then there are the gray areas which are what's keeping me up at night. With all the precautions being taken by schools, will they be able to prevent the spread of the virus? Even with all the precautions, will there still be an outbreak and any school that opens eventually get closed again? Will going to get my own groceries instead of getting delivery put my family at risk? Will being fully quarantined for two weeks prevent us from spreading the virus to our extended family if we want to see them and hug them?  If they do open schools and there is a huge increase in cases will we go back to square one and shut everything down? There are so many unknowns. 

My job is no longer allowing us to fully work from home starting in a few weeks. I don't know the exact plan for what they expect from us (especially since offices need to be staffed at max 60% to encourage social distancing). I know working from home while doing full time childcare is not ideal, from both the employee and employers standpoint. In fact, it's really difficult to juggle and quite exhausting. But the alternative is sending him to daycare which I'm convinced will put him at an incredible risk. 

If we could afford to live off of one salary that would be my first choice and I would care for the baby while my husband worked. My second choice would be to to continue working from home during naps and walks and after bedtime. I do not want to be forced to send him to daycare so that I can keep my job. I can't imagine feeling good about that. Anticipating this I started sending out my resume several months ago. While I'm sure they're out there, I'm having a hard time finding companies that aren't on a hiring freeze and have jobs available that are fully remote. 

After thinking about it for a while - since this is what keeps me up at night - I realized what bothers me the most about the reopening plan. The problem is that on a leadership level, starting from the White House and seemingly from my employer, we are being told to trust blindly that they have things under control when it clearly isn't. It gives me no comfort to hear the president say that if we stop testing we'll stop having cases. Since leadership inspires no confidence, I feel like I need to rely on my gut. 

Is my gut broken because of overuse and decision fatigue from the last few months? I'm reluctant to ignore it now when it seems like it could literally be a life and death situation. If it comes down to it, do I quit my job so that I don't have to send him to daycare? I don't know what to do and I don't see a path how to fix this. I know I'm not alone in this - there are millions of other people worrying about health vs income. 

I'm mentally exhausted and don't know how to recharge to be able to think things through more clearly. I don't want to make a rash decision or feel backed into a corner. 

Choices

This morning I saw my neighbor's cleaning lady park in front of my house and had a small wave of jealousy. I can just as easily call my cleaning crew and schedule a cleaning. They would be thrilled to come back. I see people on social media posting things like "finally alone!" after sending their kids to camp. Or taking their first "back to work" selfie.

I could do all these things if I chose to. It's not that I don't want to, it's that it feels unsafe to make those choices. Would it be nice to get some space and quiet? Sure. Would it be nice to have someone else take care of the cleaning, or get takeout instead of cooking, or a million other things we took for granted in the past? Sure. But not at the expense of any of anyone's health. It doesn't feel safe to go out. The virus is out of control in the United States and I just don't think it's worth the risk.

I don't wish anything bad to happen to people who make these choices. But I wonder how it's possible for some people to go regular grocery shopping, send their kids to camp, have their cleaning help, go to work -- in short, live "normally" -- and not contract anything. Or maybe they are just asymptomatic and are lucky not to be suffering from it. I wonder if it's selfish of them to do those normal things at the expense of spreading the virus and extending this nightmare for everyone.

Regardless of why or how, it must be nice to not live in a head-space of constant worry. Maybe that's what I'm jealous of.

Unsettled

I've been having a lot of anxiety about the "Covid and the Classroom" news. I know schools need to open. I know it's best for the kids to be among peers and learn in person. I know my own baby would enjoy having that social aspect added to his daily routine. But it seems like everyone in leadership is ignoring the fact that nothing is different regarding the virus. Cases are still spiking, hospitals are at capacity, and people are still getting very sick and dying. The only difference is that people are sick of being home and the economy is in the dumps. There is nothing different about the dangers of the virus and how contagious it is. I don't want to send him back to daycare until I feel it's safe and it doesn't feel safe. Daycare has not yet opened so until now it wasn't even a choice.

Our quarantine habits haven't changed. We don't go out to anything non-essential. Groceries are still being delivered. I haven't had normal ice cream in months because they haven't figured out how to keep it from melting yet. Whatever... I certainly found a way to stress eat and gain weight without it. I broke quarantine a few times for doctor's appointments fully masked and then felt uneasy for 2 weeks after each one waiting for that window of time to pass. We agreed to see some family at 10 ft apart. We go out on walks around the neighborhood. We cross the street if anyone comes near us and head home if the streets feel too crowded. Not everyone wears masks or is as concerned with keeping their distance.

I recognize that the world can't stay shut down forever - it was only supposed to be for a few weeks to "flatten the curve" and slow the spread. I don't want it to stay shut down, but we haven't fixed the problem yet! I know the longer we're in quarantine the harder it's going to be mentally to get back. Even so - going back when things feel this unsafe just to start going out is not the answer. When I'm up at 4 in the morning because I'm worrying and can't sleep I go online and look for remote jobs I can do from home so that I don't have to send him to daycare when it does reopen.

I hate that I'm being forced to go back to work, even at limited hours, just to "get used to being in the office again."  I can do my job at home, and have since March, but starting next week they're asking us to come back for optics. If schools are open in the fall we're expected to show up in person full time. I hate that I feel like I need to choose between my safety and my paycheck. No exceptions. If we refuse to come back, we can self furlough. With limited work as it is, that will likely be followed by unemployment. I wish we had another financial option so I could tell them to go to hell. I hate that I feel like going outside puts me and my family at risk. I hate the uneasy feeling I get every time I watch the news because they're in such denial of what's happening.

The White House corona task force is such a joke. I watched them the other day congratulating themselves on what a great job they're doing, while at the same time ignoring the additional tens of thousands of new cases that were reported that day. The numbers are out of control: as of this writing there are 135,000+ deaths and over 3.17 million confirmed positive cases in the USA. They're only testing 700,000 per day and all the experts are saying they need at least 1-2 million per day. The task force says "schools must open" but don't care at what cost to human life. They don't want to fund any of the guidelines suggested from CDC, instead threatening to slash school funding for anyone who doesn't open. They ignore the fact that people are waiting for 8 hours in 100 degree weather in Arizona just to get a test.

Quarantine fatigue is real. People around us have stopped keeping their social distance. They have backyard BBQs where the adults are sitting 6 ft apart but there's a table of shared food and the kids are all playing together. The more people say they're done the less I want to go outside and interact with anyone. That's not great for my mental health but I'm worried about our physical health too. It's impossible to be in a constant state of hysteria but it seems like there are daily new things to trigger it that I'm getting worn down and that itself feels scary. Like if I let my guard down for too long everything might cave in. Simple things we used to take for granted, like readily knowing what day it is and what month we're in, have taken a back seat.

As he gets more active and nearly mobile, he needs more attention. It's getting harder to try to work while he's awake which is fine - I cram the work in during early or late hours, nap times, and whenever my husband can take a break from his job. I'd rather juggle the impossible than worry about risking his health by sending him to school. Besides, I'm really enjoying being home with him. If I had the option to be a stay at home mom I would take it without hesitation. 

It may not be feasible to stay home forever but I feel that we have to stay strong, mentally and emotionally, for ourselves and for each other, until there is a real solution. When will this end? I don't know how and I don't know when and that's the most unsettling part.

June

We recently celebrated several milestones. Our thirteen year anniversary. My husband's first father's day as a father, without his father. The baby sleeping through the night minus one wakeup most nights. Four teeth. Almost crawling.

Things have slowed significantly at my job. Covid affected the budget so they cut our salaries. There is less work also because of covid and the new tasks I was supposed to take on after returning from maternity leave are nearly non-existent. What little work we are doing is from home. Yet for some reason they want to have us phasing back to working in the office. Staggered at first "to prepare for a full reopening in the fall." I fought back on this because I said I felt unsafe to return to work during a spike in cases across the country. There wasn't even a mask policy in place until I brought it up. Conversations are up in the air but they don't seem to be making exceptions. I feel like I need to find another position. It makes me feel guilty to want a different job when 40 million people are unemployed but these are the times we're living in. I have an MBA and years of experience and even though I love parts of my job I've had countless times I felt the need to consider leaving. It always came down to needing the flexibility for fertility treatment. Maybe now is the right time to leave. Find a new place and have time to prove myself before needing flexibility for future treatment when we decide to pursue #2.

We haven't been to daycare since they last shut down on March 13. We've been back to get his stuff - lined up in the parking lot, popped the trunk, and one of his teachers put a bag in. I brought him along and they waved and cooed through the closed window. It was bittersweet. Even though he was only in daycare 10 weeks, I could tell the teachers loved him. They are not considering reopening until September. When I was asked by the director if we plan to come back my knee-jerk reaction was that I don't want to send him to daycare until there's a vaccine. I held back from saying that and said that it all depends on our jobs: whether we're still employed, working from home, how many hours. I know it's not any kind of definitive answer but I don't think anyone can give one these days.

Baby loves eating. He's long and super active so weight gain is slow but I think we're on track to the goal of tripling birth weight by first birthday. He gets around by rolling, flipping from back to tummy to back over and over. His personality is coming through and he seems to understand things more every day. He makes it clear when he doesn't want to eat anymore. He knows he's not supposed to lick the carpet but tests boundaries daily. We're gearing up to babyproof everything.

Married couples were never meant to spend this much uninterrupted time together. There are signs that we've been together in quarantine too long. Easily frustrated at each other at little things, making a big deal of something that wouldn't necessarily make the highlight reel under normal circumstances, getting in each other's space. The usual. We're working on keeping the peace and trying to be kind. This is far from over and we know we're lucky to not be quarantining in loneliness.

I needed to make a change for my mental and physical health so I put the nutella away and started walking around the neighborhood. I had gained 10 lbs over the last few months and feeling down and dumpy. I'm not sure how much I can diet strictly while breastfeeding but I can definitely cut the sweets and snacks. Already down 5 so that's making me feel better. My husband and I decided to try to lose 10% of our body weight so that's our current summer project. 

I found a lump on my breast. I thought it was breastfeeding related and tried to massage it out but it just resulted in a bruised boob. I gave it some time before I went to get an ultrasound. The radiologist said it doesn't look concerning but wants me to come back in a month. 

We wanted to get away, I really miss the beach and the water, but I'm too nervous to be around people. I'm worried about hotels and vacation rentals and what-if catastrophes. I recognize the stay-at-home order was supposed to be temporary but while the country is still out of control with regard to covid cases I'm just not comfortable taking unnecessary risks. Maybe my first trip out of quarantine will be to Trader Joe's. 

May

I should have been writing as things were happening. I know memories fade fast but between working and simultaneously taking care of the baby, sporadic sleep, and maximum anxiety I just couldn't find the energy.

I had foot pain that started in February that I meant to get seen. Then quarantine happened and I just put it on the back burner. It got bad enough where I was waking up stiff all over with shooting pain coming from my right heel when I tried to put weight on it that I reached out to a physical therapist who did a telehealth appointment and told me about plantar fasciitis. That sounded like what I had. She gave me some exercises and stretches to do, along with ice and rest. There was no time for ice or rest but I tried keeping up with the stretches when I remembered and it was more manageable.

I know exercise will help but I have to find the mental energy for that. I barely have the energy to keep my shit together long enough to do the basics. We've been home since March and only been doing grocery delivery. No takeout, no breaks. It was hard enough getting dinner together nightly. Now we're eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner at home. Baby has started solids, which was terrifying at first, but now really fun to watch him explore and discover new foods. We're up to 3 teeth. Likes include sweet potatoes and squash; dislikes include avocado and new textures like cottage. I'll keep offering them to see if his tastes evolve.

Shavuot came and went. It was another holiday without shul or guests. When pesach started we didn't think we would still be doing this for shavuot. Yet here we are.

I've participated in plenty of the trends making rounds on instagram. That includes baking banana bread, trying out different bread recipes like crusty bread and pita, giving my husband a haircut, the whipped coffee, and probably a bunch others I'm not thinking about. I gained weight during quarantine which doesn't help my foot pain or mental state. I'm eating myself awake, I'm stress-baking, and we've prioritized things that require little to no prep, like cereal, which is basically empty calories. 

I'm still enjoying being home with him. As hard as it is to work while taking care of him, I'm grateful to have a job and I'm grateful I get to enjoy watching him reach milestones and get cuter by the day. He's sleeping a little better these days - still waking up at night but not as often and not for as long.

I've cried at the news of George Floyd's death and all the other horrible stories of mistreatment of black people that came to light. I've cried at the numbers that keep rising: cases, hospitalizations, deaths. I've cried at the mismanagement from leadership at the top. I've cried at the feeling of hopelessness that this will never end. I've cried at the uncertainty of what will happen with our income. I've cried in anxiety about our health and our family's health. I've cried that my baby's grandparents and cousins can only enjoy him via video chat or from a distance and missing the most delicious stage yet.